Feeling kinda down :(

[Maria83]

I'm feeling kind of down and scared about tomorrow. I have court tomorrow but I know I wont really find out the real out come of everything tomorrow but still its scarey because this is the first time I have been arrested and the first time I will be going to court for anything. My att. said that one of two things will happen either they will throw my case out (only because i have some family memebers & friends that work for the police department DA and are really close friends with the judge I have) but he doubts they can do that because its a felony or they send it up to the main court. My att. said that when it goes to the main court that since its my first offence and I'm going to NA meetings and out patient treatment that I'll most likely get anywhere from 6-24 months of house arrest. Just having one of those days...been stuck in the house for the last 13 days well 2 of those days I spent in jail...only leaving the house to go to NA meetings and Dr. app. and walking the dog. I woke up this morning and my mom was in a really bad mood and saw me smoking and was like you really need to stop your smoking its not healthy and I don't appreciate you smoking. I just thought in my head one addiction at a time PLEASE. The best part is she smokes...I know she doesn't like me smoking so I won't do it right infront of her but its like with all the other **** that i'm dealing with do I really need to hear her bitch about me smoking too. I mean yesterday she was outside smoking with me and today shes bitching and saying I don't need to be smoking and I need to put it out and quit. I was like WTF?!! Wed. I have to go back to work because I already used a week of my vacation time and my boss knows about what happen and so do a few other people I work with so I'm really scared to face them but I guess I should look at it as if I still have a job... and it could be worse. I hate all the ups and downs that I am going through...1 minute its like I'm feeling better physically and mentally and have a positive out look on things and the next its like I'm so depressed and feeling ****** and it just seems like everyone seems to be feeling the opposite of what I am feeling at the time. I'm still feeling pretty ****** physcially *detoxed at home w/ no meds* only been taking asprin occasionally which hasnt been doing sh*t considering I was addicted 2 pain meds. I had feeling tired all day with an occasionally burst of energy here n there and then not being able to sleep at night. I'm tired all day and my body aches and then when I finally try to go to sleep I can't. Is that normal? To make matters worse I saw my mom had a bottle of xanax in her purse *i have been wondering why she hasnt let her purse out of site since i have been home....now I know why* I actually opened up the bottle took a pill out and was like I'm going to put it in my room and save it for later so I can get a little something out of that one pill hopefully and actually sleep. Stood in my room with the pill in my hand for a good 5 minutes and I was like do I really want to do this...happy to say I went and put the pill back. Now I know she has them its like the temptation is there but I know it is sooooooo not worth it cause if I start popping those obviously she is going to know a lot have gone missing and it is going to lead to other things. So I am just going to wait till my health insurance kicks in on the 1st and go straight to the Dr. and hope he can recommend something. I'm dreading all the blood work they are going to have 2 do 2 C if I didn't any damage to my liver because of the amount of pain meds I was taking a day and for how long I was taking them. I think I'm done venting now and for anyone who reads this thanks for listening.

[Evanna]

Hey Maria,
I went to court in recovery for stuff that i had done in my using. The whole thing felt horrid....it brought back all that shuffle and shame thing that goes on when we are using. The outcome was alright but it still felt yukkie.

Well done for putting the pill back. As for your liver...try and keep it in the day. Even if it does show damage the liver has remarkable powers of recovery when looked after kindly.

Let us know how it goes today.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

[Maria83]

Thanks for responding and your positive comments Evanna. As for the court today it went as expected. They waved it because I am pleed guilty and my next court date is Aug. 1st so I will not know anything for sure until then. =-\

[Paulie]

But then when it is over, it is over and you move on from there. Paying the consequences of our using sucks, no doubt about that, but it is also freeing at the same time.

Stay in today, you are gonna be amazed how things work out.

[namommy]

Maria,

Keep staying clean. It does suck when we have to face up to our actions from our addiction, but eventually it will be over. If you don't pick up you can at least say you did it clean.

I can so relate to the Mom and the smoking. I lived in my parents house when I first got clean and had to go outside to smoke. When I came in "you smell like a d*mn ashtray, blah, blah, blah..." I would just think, "God, grant me the serenity."lol

which meetings do you go to, If you don't mind me asking. I haven't been to the meetings over that way for a while, but maybe I can suggest some of the women that I know over there that you can hook up with.