Relapse and anger.

[Blake]

Over the last couple of days I have found out that a few people in the program that I know have relapsed and have no intention in comming back anytime soon. I should feel sympathy for them, but all I feel is pissed off. I'm angry that they could just say **** it and go back out. I kinda admired this one guy's recovery, he had 7 or 8 months and he could talk the talk. All of a sudden he isn't at meetings anymore, I figure, he must be out of town since his job makes him travel alot. Last night at the meeting, some one said that he was back out (they didn't say his name but it was obvious who they were talking about) He had actually called another addict in the program and asked them to come over, when she went to see him, he pulled out his pipe and tried to get her to "do just one"..........THIS MAKES ME VERY VERY MAD........he was trying to **** up her recovery b/c he ****** his. After hearing all this I shared, "if I ever relapse, please don't come and try to save me b/c you can't and I wont try to come save you if you relapse. I'm not strong enough to do that. I'll pray for you to make it back, so just pray for me to find my way back too." I felt like an ******* saying this, but I was pissed off at the time and it is how I feel, unfiltered. Hopefully one day I'll be able to help someone that relapses but not today, I don't want what they have.

Just needed to vent, feel better now.

Thanks,
-Blake

[mendingheart]

Blake,
Maybe you could look at that as something that inspires you to be thankful and remain
sober, make it a positive energy. ?? Do not allow others to alter your focus.....be an example to those who are lost.
Vent away!
Mendingheart

[namommy]

I find that when I get angry when someone relapses it is a combination of things. I am pissed at this disease for coming at us so hard. I am pissed off because the person 'left me' (how self-centered) and I am now stuck feeling the loss. And, I am jealous that they were able to say f*** it, go get high again, and I won't. I can if I really want to, but I don't want to live that way anymore. But, I am jealous that they got high again and I can't. Put them all together and you've got a major resentment.

Acceptance.

[Blake]

I've had some time to think about this and journal about this and I'm not angry anymore. I don't think I was really angry to begin with. I think I was sad and since I don't like being sad, I played it off as anger. It hurts to see people that I have opened up to and have opened up to me go back out. I know how miserable it is to be out there useing and I really wish that no one ever relapses, but that isn't gonna happen. Sometimes I feel like it is the easy way out to just say **** it and go back out, but that is my disease trying to fool me. It is a 24 hours a day 7 days a week job to be in active addiction. I can relate to the jealousy thing though, even though it is illogical to think this way. Today I feel bad for people that relapse and I pray that they make their way back to the rooms if they don't die first.

Thanks,
-Blake

[BikerBill8]

Hey Blake, The longer you stay clean and you keep going to meetings there will always be people going back out. Some will even be you friends and sponsees. That is life.

[windysan]

Anger is something I have to avoid at all costs. It makes me sick.

[hopealwayz]

Anger does keep us sick. Acceptance is the key.