title? whose got a title?

[Gooch]

sort of like when at a meeting and the chair says "does anyone have a topic?"

well yeah .. life on life's terms, recovery in general, where i'm at today, gratitude... after a while everything seems to blend into some sort of stae of mind where I can't quite pick one so I feel like saying "e.) all of the above!"


Ever since I heard a great speaker explain "exact nature" I've been really paying attention to staying attentive to the solution .. keeping my focus on God, ( or getting it back to God asap after I notice I'm trapped in the TOSO {triangle of self obsession})

Financially I have had every reason to be scared witless ( still not a good enough reason to use), my relatoinships have been as challenging as ever, (nope not a good enough reason to pick up) and health .. geez every time I get one thing addressed theres a new issue or an older one that I wasn't quite ready to deal with ( not for lack of wanting but it just didn't seem like God had hit me over the head with my sign yet.. one of my prayers has been for God to really make it more obvious to me when the time is right so I don't jump the light and mess everything up acting as an instrument of my own will)

In 3 years of being out of my career I have only had 26 weeks of unemployment, a low paying position that was pretty rough on me physically, and most recently a part time construction as needed gig with the guy who graciously volunteered to be my first sponsor so many moons ago. Other than that I've had to pretty much live on my wits (good luck with that lol)

I'm still in love with, in fact more so every day, my last girlfriend who moved to her own place and declared it necessary to work on her own stuff, in her own space. Whether or not our relationship ever returns to anything other than the wonderful friends we are currently, I've been so honored to partner with a person who's honesty and integrity exceeds my hopeful expectations. I'm so grateful to been on the recieving end of respect from somone struggling to maintain their own and gain that self acceptance we all search for.

Well God apparently decided to hand me my sign 2 weeks ago when my old friend a long distance truck driver called and said he wanted to buy some motorcycle parts from me and offered me enough to pay far enough ahead on my support and other bills to take the time off from the part time gig to return to the health plan.

Tuesday I had surgery for a recurring Umbilical hernia .. I was chatting with my doc at 9:15 laying on the table when they dropped the mask on me. One of my last thoughts was I'm grateful for my life to this point and if for some reason I never wake up again I've been blessed.

My next recollection was a nurse poking me and asking me the simple questions .. ( like my name .. lol stuff like that and though groggy and not able to grab my license I was able to eventually drag up the required responses) .. I said is that clock right? is it really only 11:45?

An hr later and I was on my way home after having been given some heavy duty painkillers that would have made my mouth water and my addict go into full cop mode back in the days of my misuse. I was also given a prescription for another old acquaintance .. I'm here to tell you that pain is pain and I still haven't mastered the ability to wish it away. My prescription was for a 5 day supply at 1 every 4 hrs. At first I felt like I had leaned across a table saw. It was agonizing to move, but I managed the scrunch into and extension out of the car coming home. THe painkillers were initailly only giving me relief for 2 hrs and even then when I moved a little too suddenly or stretched slightly past the point my body wanted to let me, I was yelping and moaning. Wed was probably the worst. To be honest I was afraid I might wind up calling the doctor and asking for an option as the painkillers weren't giving me the relief I wanted .. but I kept trying to get back to giving God a few more minutes to show me the miracle. Thusrday seemed a little better and I was even able to start stretching the pain pills out by an hr and then later in the day 2 hrs.. Last night I slept in bed for the first time and slept for 5 hrs straight. My first pain pill this morning was at 8:30 am ( an hr after I woke up) and I didn't have my second til 4:30pm .. it's 11:30 and I might take one in the next hr to help me drop off to sleep. I've been to 2 meetings today and visited a friend. Still feeling pretty tender and I know it's gonna be a while before I feel natural again..

I haven't been as gracious or patient with everyone as I have wanted to be..( ammends to my mom and my sponsor) (Looks like they've postponed my halo fitting once again) and I'll be perfectly honest once or twice .. maybe as many as 4 times I've felt that old familiar numbness wrapping around me and whispering it's sweet lie .. "wouldn't it feel great to feel this way all the time" .. Once again thanks to Narcotics Anonymous, the literature I hear read at every meeting, random calls from an addict here and an addict there, a great place like SR where people wish me well and make a conscious effort to ask for blessings for me, a sponsor who shows me what to and what not to do, the instant message gang that always has a joke or an uplifting thought, supportive family and friends, the newcomer at meetings and here helping me remember what it was like while I was caught trying to get over that fence from active addiction to recovery, and most of all a forgiving and patent Creator.......I've been able to detox from morphine and percocet to hydrocodene ( and it looks like as of day 5 of the 5 day supply I will be tapered off with about 7 remaining doses) in less than a week.

So far so good.. once again the power of one addict helping another has saved my grubby old butt for another few miles of life's winding road.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet.. every other time I've had to take prescribed narcotics for injury or surgery in recovery, ther have been ghosts that come back to jangle me days, weeks and even months after I've gotten my physical system detoxed again. I also know that when those ghosts rattle old chains behind me I'll have you all standing beside me to remind me why its so important to keep walking forward toward the job my Boss has for me to do.

Sorry this is such a long read but I gotta give back whats been handed over to me the best i know how...

An addict, any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use, and learn a new way to live.

We ain't gotta kill ourselves no more! no matter what!

[mackcat]

gooch-
you are amazing.
simply amazing...
thanks for being in my life.

hugs
mackat

[Phinneas]

((((Gooch))))

Your post is such a gift to me. Thank you.

I am still afraid of Drs. and medical procedures and even going to the dentist. Seeing a fellow addict go through a procedure like you did with all of the necessary meds and not only not abuse them, but continue working a strong program of recovery throughout, gives me hope that someday maybe... just maybe, I can, too.

Sending you love, support and healing, my friend.

hugs,

phinny

[namommy]

:hugehug


Mack already said it, you are simply amazing.

Love ya
Laurie D.

[Dan]

It's in my sig line below.
It ain't never gonna change.
Grace and honor.
(...)

[Gabe]

Gooch...
I'm so glad I have you in my treasure box.

[Ann]

Glad you're feeling better, Gooch. You are such an inspiration to all of us, and especially me. Thank you.

Hugs
Ann

[Gooch]

oh pshaw.....nothin amazing about me.. I'm just doing the best I can to follow the directions you guys point me to .. oh wait .. it is amazing that a stubborn sob like me could get out of his own way long enough to take some suggestions. lol .. ok .. well if I'm amazing,, it must be the NA talking

... woke up this morning and so far no pain pills ,, nada zip ! and I'm practically dancing around listening to the stereo while I check email on this conglomeration of puter parts I threw together until I figure out what went south in my laptop,

Called my sponsor this morning and let him know I was sorry I tossed him out the other day when he stopped by to check on me and let it slip that he was worried about something on his bike.. I know he didn't do it on purpose but i could feel my blood pressure take a leap, lol

I was thinking of giving him an assignment but decided to let him off easy this time

[Dan]

Just for the record, I don't think you're amazing.
But I do however think you have a special smell.

[historyteach]

(((Gooch))))
Thank you...
...you give me hope that Trevor will one day find his way...
Be well; continue sharing your light. It helps...
...and let us know if you need help too!
Shalom!

[Gooch]

oweeeeee .............. it only hurts when I laugh .. gonna get you for that one. :Lmao

[Dan]

Originally Posted by Gooch

oweeeeee .............. it only hurts when I laugh .. gonna get you for that one. :Lmao

Oops, forgot bro.
Sorry

[KelKel]

(((Gooch)))

[godsonmyside]

Yeah, You got my number, Heck, your house is on the way to alot of the meetings I go to, so not having gas can't be an excuse. LOL
As you know, I've been through the prescibed ordeal and ended up changing my clean date, but, I've seen some recovering addicts go through it gracefully and if I had it come up in my life again, I've got some great examples in my life.

Peace,
Todd J.

[namommy]

Gooch,

So glad to hear you are doing better today. It won't be long before you are rockin' and ridin' again. Stay cool.

[namommy]

PS. I need to admit that is pretty nice that you are posting so much since you've been down. Thanks for all the advice you've been giving me. it really means alot.