The Addict in my Head is Trying to Kill Me

[Phinneas]

I have an addict in my head that is trying to kill me. Do you know that voice? It's the voice of my disease, the voice of self-destruction, of self-loathing. It's the voice that says I'm not worth it, I don't deserve good things or to be happy. That I don't deserve recovery, or even to live.

I've heard some speak about the native american metaphor that we all have a black dog on one shoulder and a white dog on the other. The one who survives and grows is the one we feed.

I try to feed my white dog with prayer, meditation, working the steps of recovery, letting others love me, taking care of myself, etc. But those black dog thoughts still come at me from deep, deep within and bring me to my knees.

I am hoping that you guys can relate to this and share your experience and advice.

thanks, family

--phinny


P.S. Kahlia's signature quote reminded me of this song. I think the lyrics and message are wonderful description of this inner conflict.


Put Your Lights On
(Santana / Everlast)

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there’s a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say I’ve got nothing to fear

There’s a darkness deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, into my hole
God, don’t let me lose my nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Because there’s a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I’ve got nothing to fear
La ill aha ill allah
We all shine like stars
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away

[mishelly]

Hi Phinneas, I'm new here and I know exactly what you mean. Unfortunately, I'm too new to addiction recovery to know how to shut that voice up. Hope I learn it real quick, cause I need stop the war in my head.

[Evanna]

Ah, thats the voice that grabs me every morning before i am fully awake and while i am pretty defenceless. I know that voice.

[mackat]

yeh

i've delt w/ the committee tween my ears for a long time- for a while i resented the $hit out of them- seemed like my only relief came when i was at a meeting...

later i gave em all names- Dopey[of course] Grumpy, Tasmanian devil, etc

still later, when it seemed that they had kept me going waaay too far into the night as well as first thing the next morning, i kinda called a mid brain meeting- told 'em all that i was damned impressed by their willingness to put so much overtime into gnawing at my business. Told 'em that i was giving them a seperation package- lots of gratitiude that they had kept me company etc... but that i thought it was time for me to be in going a different direction now...
so i began doing serious prayer, real meditation

learned that not only did meetings shut down that incessant tape loop, but so did working with my sponsor, working with others, writing steps, writing my journal.

and when i go wacko nuts these days, i call my sponsor. Usually he just says: "breathe honey, just breathe"

sharing, like you guys have, is one of the most fundamental things i can do for my recovery.

hugs
mackat

[Paulie]

So again I learn I am not the only one. That voice in my head was talking to me all night last night.

So today, I do something good for me, I take the focus off the bad and put it on the good. Today I tell myself how much I deserve all that I have been given in recovery. today I choose (and for me right now in my life) it is a choice, to not use, to not listen to that voice and to make it a good day.

Thank you for sharing, another gift to know I am not alone.

[Phinneas]

Thanks, family. It's still amazing to me that when I feel most alone, I discover that I am not. That's one of the biggest gifts of recovery for me-- others who can relate, share and help so openly and freely.

Not to derail my own thread , but about that committee that mackat mentioned.... I hear people talk about the committee in their heads in meetings and such, but I honestly don't know if I have one. Or... hmm... maybe I do, but that one voice is so loud and strong that it drowns out all of the others?



phinny

[nutz]

phinny,
you have that voice too???.lol
for a while there.... I thought I was the only one that's nutz.

There's an article or a thread about guilt that help me.
The criticle voice....always critizing me...Like me Momy and dady
use to do when i was a kid and I get those familiar feelings
even thou i don't live with mommy anymore.

I notice when I'm trying to grow or move forward in whatever issues.
Here comes that stupid vioce and the funkie feelings all over my body.
fears, heart beat skiping. Sometimes it gets trigger by unrelated
issues. But I've notice it's base off of fear of some sort.
fear of not being good enough , accepted or not accepted
fear of failing and on...and on millions forms of fears.. me guess.
i just allow myself to feel thou feelings now.
After about five minutes or after the feelings pass
I ask that stupid vioce.
And Then ?...and then? ....and then????
then it throws more crap at me...
then i replied..."Mmmmm how interesting"....."that's nice," "you don't say"!lol
tell me more....lol
I even ask it the dumest question sometimes...
Will I die, if I don't get accepted ?
Will I die, If I'm not go enough ?
Will I die, If I'm not afraid anymore?
So....where's god in all of this??lol
Are you happy ?

Total silence......LMAF
ME:
Oki doki , now that , that's out of the way.....
how about we go have some fun.
how about we go talk to the tree or sum'in .
how about we play some music and jam out.

I've also ask that vioce to change it's style.
Instead of telling me that I suck or whatever,
to an encouragement type of style.
I've ask it to refrase it.." you just need to work on that"
"yeap...you did a no..no, try not to that anymore or do better the next time"

wierd !!!! it's changing the style slowly.

your beautiful phinny
give me some FIVES...

[mackat]

nutz-

you rock!

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by mackat

nutz-

you rock!

ditto only double!



--phinny

[nutz]

oki doki
2 fives, then.
Mmmm, a five n five

[Kahlia]

[quote=Phinneas]I have an addict in my head that is trying to kill me. Do you know that voice? It's the voice of my disease, the voice of self-destruction, of self-loathing. It's the voice that says I'm not worth it, I don't deserve good things or to be happy. That I don't deserve recovery, or even to live.

I've heard some speak about the native american metaphor that we all have a black dog on one shoulder and a white dog on the other. The one who survives and grows is the one we feed.

I try to feed my white dog with prayer, meditation, working the steps of recovery, letting others love me, taking care of myself, etc. But those black dog thoughts still come at me from deep, deep within and bring me to my knees.

I am hoping that you guys can relate to this and share your experience and advice.

thanks, family

--phinny


P.S. Kahlia's signature quote reminded me of this song. I think the lyrics and message are wonderful description of this inner conflict.


Put Your Lights On
(Santana / Everlast)

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there’s a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say I’ve got nothing to fear

There’s a darkness deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, into my hole
God, don’t let me lose my nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Because there’s a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I’ve got nothing to fear
La ill aha ill allah
We all shine like stars
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away[/QUOTE

THAT is my signature!!!!!....Kahlia Just kidding...isn't it an awesome song????

[Aa_vark]

hi phinny - a while back i saw a comic - a little devil that had been demoted from Hell to Heck - he had a PITCHSPORK in his hand. :smileeek:


maybe that image could help you, too?

Over time that evil voice that wants me to use is loosing its power over me...


say hi to the 's

[hopealwayz]

I can relate to having that voice. The voice tries to convince me of many lies. Once it activates itself, words of poison begin spewing into my thoughts aka "stinkin thinking" but that is when I pray to my HP to take away these thougts and I meditate. That is when I realize my gratitude towards my sobriety instead of hanging on to evidence of things past.

Some times it is harder than others but it is guaranteed that if I don't give in and feed that addictive voice, it's strength weakens.

(((Jojo)))


Lots of love,
Hope

[cj.]

(((((jojo)))))

I think nutz said it best for me also.

When I am trying to move forward into undiscovered territory or make positive changes in my life so that I can grow, my disease comes at me with all those put downs and bullcrap and lies so I will feel worthless and give up my freedom to it.

But I don't. I simply keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk as far away from it as I can because I have learned that I am worth it and I really don't feel like giving up my freedom today!

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

cj

[Kahlia]

[quote=Phinneas]I have an addict in my head that is trying to kill me. Do you know that voice? It's the voice of my disease, the voice of self-destruction, of self-loathing. It's the voice that says I'm not worth it, I don't deserve good things or to be happy. That I don't deserve recovery, or even to live.

I've heard some speak about the native american metaphor that we all have a black dog on one shoulder and a white dog on the other. The one who survives and grows is the one we feed.

I try to feed my white dog with prayer, meditation, working the steps of recovery, letting others love me, taking care of myself, etc. But those black dog thoughts still come at me from deep, deep within and bring me to my knees.

I am hoping that you guys can relate to this and share your experience and advice.

thanks, family

--phinny


P.S. Kahlia's signature quote reminded me of this song. I think the lyrics and message are wonderful description of this inner conflict.


Put Your Lights On
(Santana / Everlast)

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there’s a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say I’ve got nothing to fear

There’s a darkness deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, into my hole
God, don’t let me lose my nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Because there’s a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I’ve got nothing to fear
La ill aha ill allah
We all shine like stars
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away[/QUOTE

I Am your Disease.... Phinny, please read....Kahlia

[mishelly]

Good stuff, Kahlia...thanks from the