I Hate This Disease!!

[cj.]

Yesterday, I buried a friend because of what drugs did to her. They stole her life at the age of 29. They left two small children without a mother. They smashed hopes and dreams. They left a family feeling terrible quilt because they blame themselves for not doing enough. And they left a hole in my heart, and many other hearts, for the loss we feel in our recovery room.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. But most of all, I hate this disease. I am tired of listening to people pussyfoot around the danger of using. I'm tired of seeing people take their recovery for granted. I'm tired of this disease taking my friends.

I am also sorry for my attitude because I am not usually this negative. I am just upset.

cj

[Roxann]

CJ, you are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling. Don't apologize for your attitude. You lost a friend in an awful way. I'd be angry and negative too.

I am sorry for your loss. I haven't lost anyone due to addiction, so I can't say that I know how you feel. I can hug you though. You and your friends family are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

[Dan]

(...)
Hey cj...
Although I accept my condition on good days, I don't see what else I could do in your shoes right now.
Bless the children.

RIP cj's friend

[Tricky]

yes, im with you all the way,

i sit next to people in meetings and they say things like. . . im proud to be an addict or its great being an addict. . . im NOT im angy and sad and ive lost friends and loved ones at tha rate of two a year, i dont want this disease, i dont think i deseve it, im tired of fighting every day, i want this battle to end the war to go away./ . .

your not on your own and i can totally relate to you, god go with you for being so honest, il say a prayer for your friend tonight and im not religeous at all.

i like people to be up front and hoest and this is what you are. . . .x

[abtchonamission]

c.j.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. All the feelings you have sound pretty normal under the circumstances. Grieving takes time, and goes through many different emotions. Keep talking about it, whether here, in your group, or with friends. My prayers for you, your friend, and her children.

(((((((Hugs))))))))
Trisha

[Kahlia]

C.J.-I am very sorry and sad for your loss. I lost my two cousins to Heroin addiciton....a friend and my best friend killed herself. It gets to the point where you have to get mad.....anger is always a secondary emotion, it comes from hurt. In other words, you never just wake up mad for NO reason. You are hurt, confused and sad. Grieve however you want but talk....it helps...again, I am sorry......Kahlia

[Time2Surrender]

(((CJ))) Im sorry for your loss.I have lost a lotta friends to this disease myself.Including losing a fiance less then 3 weeks before our wedding day.That one was hard.And I was going through the same feelings as you,and then some.I hated alcohol and addiction.

[Paulie]

I too am sorry for the loss of your friend. I have been in your shoes and it hurts bad. I was angry, oh so very angry. It doesn't have to happen, we don't have to die from this disease that we have.

Don't apologize for your feelings, feel them that is what we are supposed to do. Cry, let the emotions out. Talk about it at meeting level, I did and it helped alot. You never know who you help find that moment of clarity to take this disease seriously when you share at meeting level.

[Gooch]

(((((((((CJ))))))))


Please don't apologize for your feelings. You've every right to be furious with addiction for the things it has stolen from all of us.

Prayers and hugs for you at this time. and prayers now and in every circle for those litle ones who have and will suffer directly and indirectly at the talons of this disease.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[BikerBill8]

CJ, Sorry for your loss I had a relitive who died fron this decease he killed himself. prayers to and the children.

[cj.]

Thank You everyone for your kind words of support and for all your prayers.

My friend's death was one that hit pretty close to home. I have known other addicts who have died from their disease and I always feel a loss. But this loss was the greatest one for me so far because Kelly was a part of my sponsee family. She had nearly 2 years free from active addiction when something happened that she just couldn't handle. It only took a few short months of using again to bring her life to an end.

It was extremely hard to watch the joy she had found slip away into oblivion. She was a beautiful young woman who's life will be celebrated by my decision to be more responsible to, and caring toward, the frailties of the human spirit. She is my lesson on the truth of our disease. (Not that I needed another one!)

Through my day yesterday, my Higher Power helped me to put my thoughts and feelings into perspective to the point where my anger became a strong burning desire to work harder with other addicts. I'm unsure yet what form that will take, but I know that more will be revealed to me as time goes on. The one thing that I do know, however, is that my anger will be used against the disease and not the person.

If there is anyone who reads this and is still sitting on the fence about whether or not you are an addict, remember this - your disease owns the fence. It will lie to you over and over again until it convinces you that you do not have a problem. Please don't listen to the lies it spews.

My deepest prayers are with all addicts who are still out there lost to their disease. May you someday come to find the help you need to live free from drugs. It is worth it.

Peace
cj

cj,

I KNOW that fence! I don't listen to its lies. I know I am an addict. I'm just having trouble climbing the fence. It is very very high with razor wire on the top! Know what I mean? I am trying to find that strength within me that I used to have. It's got to still be there. I know it is time. I realized it was time when I looked in the mirror one day and realized that I wasn't looking at my own face anymore. I look so tired and old and haggard and worn-down. I think my eyes used to sparkle. Now they are just dull and lifeless. I don't get pleasure from anything anymore...not even my drugs. When did it stop being fun? Probably after the first buzz. Because I've been chasing it every hour of every day ever since. I know what I need to do...I keep telling myself that. I don't know what I'm waiting for. But I get up every morning and, first thing after work, I come here and read these forums. And I do feel a little stronger every day. Now I've just gotta get off my a** and DO IT! I don't want to be responsible for my husband and children and parents and sisters, etc... to feel all of those feelings you described about your friend's passing. Because, even though it's hard to love myself right now, I do know that the people in my life love me. Thank you for sharing!

[wantneeda]

So sorry CJ....THIS is the reason i spend so much time on SR...i NEED to see the reality of addiction staring me in the face...i read...the newcomers...the follies....the inspirations..the weakness...but THIS is what I need...i am still new...10 months in..thank God...i spend alot of time these days being grateful and mostly positive..it amazes me how fast i can forget how very serious this disease is. I really need to read these posts...thank you. When i was in detox i remember hearing a story about a fellow who spent years in denial..family, friends kept trying to get him to quit...one day he thinks,..ok..i think i have a problem here..goes to detox...2 months later he falls..ya knowq..thinks he doesn't have the strength to fight the battle..smokes one rock..it killed him. That story i heard the first time i was in detox, it scared the crap outta me, but a few months later, ater being ina 28 program as well, i figured ..ok..i know what the shite does to me..ya..i'm an addict..k..bring it on..i came out of rehab with some knowledge of the disease but no tools..no time in the program and just knew i wasn't done..fast forward 6 months..i'm back in detox. How fast i lost that fear of that story i had heard.
to hear of someone going out after 2 years and not coming back is sooo heartwrenching. It's that fear today that keeps me clean and sober. I know of at least 5 people this year alone that haven't made it. I can not explain what it does to my heart to think of how many addicts out there who will not make it. I want to make it.
Hate this disease?....OMG, every minute of every day!!!! With every fiber of my being!!!!
the only thing that is cured is ham...i must stay ahead of that devil on my shoulder and continue to battle him every single minute of every single day or i could end up to be a statistic.

[Paulie]

Sometimes we have to share the bad to understand the good.

cj the timing of your post was especially sensitive to me. Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of the death of my friend Steve. He was my H's first sponsor 10 years ago and a man that I admired with all my heart. He was in the mens house of the rehab I went to, he ws the house parent and on Sundays he would come to the womens house and talk with us. he wanted us to not only understand the seriousness of the disease we had and the importance of the steps (which is stressed greatly) but he wanted us (me my bf was in his house) to understand the part that my bf played in my disease. He wanted us women to understand we could be strong without the using men in our lives, understand how to separate the 2. He was instrumental in my early recovery.

Then he stopped working a program, he stopped walking the walk. He drank, he went back to prison. He blamed his HP and everyone around him for his relapse and his time in prison. He came out an angry and angry man. got in a fight in a bar, got on his harley and hit a van straight on. That was 3 years ago yesterday that he left this world.

I shared this story here on your thread to pay tribute to my friend Steve along with your friend. both have left this world way to soon. They are sober now and with their help, they keep us sober.

Using your anger to help others is a gift and I am sure your friend is smiling down on your right now.

[hopealwayz]

Cj, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

It is ok for you to talk about your feelings and you are allowed to feel the way you do. This disease is so horrible and nasty and we do not deserve to be held in it's grips.

((((Cj)))))

Love,
Hope

[bella]

cj, i know you are torn up and i am so sorry for that. i just wanted you to know; you sharing that story is a prime example of why i started looking around here. i am new to this but i've been clean for a while. i need to hear stories like this. i know it wasn't easy for you to share it, but it makes me realize that my sobriety is not a sure thing. it's not guaranteed. i have to make it myself and the consequences are real and they are permanent. i have always heard how much worse it is going back out after some clean time. this makes it hit home. thank you for sharing your story. i think i needed to hear it.