Feeling those feelings...

[margo]

...and I'm having a hard time. My sponsor left town last year, just before the sh*t hit the fan in my personal life. Although I confided in her what had happened, she didn't do what I thought she should (keep checking in on me) so I thought f*ck you and f*ck the Program. I felt abandoned by her. I dropped my step work, stopped going to meetings. I was drinking in November, didn't tell anyone, not even here until right now, and even claimed to still have all my clean time when trying to encourage a newcomer at SR. I feel sickened by myself.

I found out late last week that my sponsor is back now, in fact it was her 15-year cake on Friday night, so I went because underneath that anger and resentment was a whole lot of hurt and I love her and wanted to see her. I also felt really hurt that she didn't let me know she was back and has been for some time. Turns out she's having a lot of difficulties in most areas of her life and cannot give anything of herself at this time. So feeling rejected again. The topic of the meeting on Friday was feelings, and I've been having a whack of them ever since. Very tearful and cannot control my emotions very well right now. I have always run away from my feelings - I cannot even think of the concept of "feelings" without crying, and I hate it. I know it's not healthy to stuff them, but I don't know what else to do with them, I can't handle them. It seems like there are so many tears inside me they will never stop. I started smoking again on Friday after having been quit for three weeks, but back on the wagon again today. I'm so good at pretending I'm okay, but I feel like I'm having an emotional meltdown.

Help?

[namommy]

I don't know if this is the best advice coming from me. But, I am one that has a hard time allowing myself to cry. When I finally do, I feel like I am going to shatter into a million different pieces and I won't ever stop. I soon find out though that I feel so much better after I let myself go. I don't shatter, and eventually the tears do stop flowing and I feel lighter. I feel better, freer.

Feel your feelings. Allow yourself to be hurt, angry, whatever you need to feel.

If you can, listen to the words to the song "I'll stand by you" by the Pretenders. It says it all.

It took alot of courage to admit about your clean time. Be proud of that courage, and draw from it now.

[Dan]

Hi margo.
I usually hang in the room down the hall. But I read here a lot.
When I read your post though, it reminded me of a passage from one of the stories in the Text.

"The growth I have enjoyed has not been without pain. I am continually made aware of my own character defects, and as I become willing, I rejoice in letting them go, as I turned my narcotics addiction over to God. Growing up at age thirty-four still baffles me, but my tears mean something.
I have comfort in my hurts and a solution to my problems, whatever they might be.
Today I have something that will last."
Recovery is my responsibility.
Page 181.

(...)

[mackat]

margo

thank you for sharing -
It took me a long time to understand that when i cry its cause i hurt and its what humans do when we hurt.
my built in shame-o-meter kept me twisted up for many years about emotions- being human means i get to experience the FULL range of emotions- and i only got that thanks to a tough ol biker sponsor who had become fearless about his tears.
When that sponsor went out i felt all those abandoned emotions big time. Went into major depression. And so gradual i had no idea i was there til i was REALLY there. But i did keep going to meetings [those poor people- they had to have gotten tired of the same ol sh*t coming out of my mouth]
But like you are doing here, i was practicing my honesty to the best of my ability, practicing the willingness that comes with sharing and after several months, i could see myself coming back around.
This disease is so big. I will pick up anything to beat the hell out of myself.
so much to learn about loving myself.
glad to say that today its working for me.
sounds to me like its working for you too
big hugs
mackat

[cleanlady]

Cry! Cry! Cry! I think its so cleansing to cry, I always feel a lot better after a good cry. Its sometimes embarassing at meetings, but I say, whatever works... We are so used to not feeling, that when we get clean its scary to feel anything. I think its so great to actually know when I'm sad or depressed, to be able to laugh and smile again also comes from staying clean and if I have to cry to be able to laugh, today I can welcome that!

[Gabe]

Margo...

[Paulie]

Margo -

I hope you know right now how very proud I am of you and how much I admire you as a person/woman in recovery.

You did not have to come and be honest about your sobriety, we would have never known. But you did, and you did that because during your time in the rooms you picked up some tools, and today, after being clean, not using those tools is very uncomfortable for you....and that my friend, is not only a good thing but a huge gift of recovery.

I am sorry about your sponsor, I know she meant alot to you. I have been there, you may remember a year and a half or so ago my sponsor relapsing and me being extremely upset about it. I was hurt, I took it personally that she didnt' try and stay sober because I needed her. Who the hell do I think I am sometimes? you know what I mean. He recovery has nothing to do with me as your sponsors has nothing to do with you.

today, over a year later I have another sponsor, that in most ways I work even better with than the previous one. I asked God to put the right person in my life and he did my sponsor is great. The same will happen for you, I know in my heart.

With all the changes going on in your life right now, I hope you know how important the gift you have just given to yourself being honest is.

Margo, I love you lady!!!

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and taking it just one day at a time. The miracle is happening Margo all around you.

[Moontime]

Margo!!! ((((HUGS)))
I can tell you from my experience, my greatest struggles have been my greatest victories!! That every rude awakening has been followed with a spiritual awakening or awareness. I had to get honest and understand where I'm at, in order for me to rise in the process. Tears shed are part of the healing process from my experience.
I also have to say from my experience that anytime I set up expecatations for my sponsor, friends and/or my NA brothers and Sisters, they will always fail in meeting them sometime or another. That my Higher Power has NEVER let me down. I also know that if I don't feel like I'm recovering with my current sponsor, that I have to get a new one. This is my recovery, not my sponors, not anyone elses.
These feelings will pass, I was in your shoes before, it was suggested I looked at this from possibly a different perspective, the awareness I got was that I need to rely on my higher power more than any one person. That my sponsor's duty is to guide me through the steps, when I break it down, anything more is a bonus, anything less I need a new sponsor. The feelings will pass, you are stronger today because you got honest.

[Kahlia]

I agree with Moontime.....every hardship can be turned into a victory. I have learned so much from all the hard times and then I grew from them....it is just a part of our emotional healing, I believe. I wish you the best and know about soemone leaving at a time when you really need help.....you will get some. Just keep on venting and you will find that it will work out however it is supposed to be.....Blessings from me......Kahlia

[Gooch]

(((((((((((Margo)))))))))))))


Bless you. & Thank you.

[abtchonamission]

(((((((((((((Margo))))))))))))))

I don't know you well. Not even close to well. But I'm impressed with your courage. i read your words and see someone special, someone strong.

love & hugs,
trisha

[Ann]

(((Margo)))

From the day I hit these boards, you were one of my mentors, not because you were strong as a rock, but because you were willing to show your soft side, your emotional side and survive whatever life handed you.

You will survive this too, Margo, just let life take you to where you're supposed to be.

Love you, Margo

Hugs
Ann

[LizzyB]

Margo...

[margo]

((((((((((Family)))))))))) Thank you to all who took the time to read my ramblings and offered your love and support. The crisis I was in when I started this thread has been brewing for a long time. Pride is one of my biggest defects and it's what kept me from reaching out long ago. Another of the big ones is a tendency to focus on what I don't have, what I can't have, rather than what I do have and can have. My sponsor may be unavailable right now, but there have always been others, f2f and right here, who are willing to reach out their hands to this addict who still suffers if I ask, and for that I am so grateful.

I'm doing better today, feeling more grounded. And I'm working on day three smoke-free.

[Paulie]

(((Margo)))

[best]

:hugehug

Has anyone told you that they love you today?

*HUG*

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by margo

a tendency to focus on what I don't have, what I can't have, rather than what I do have and can have.

ow! I've reminded myself and had help remembering that for the last 48 hrs and I still keep getting sidetracked thinking I can beg, borrow, wheedle, con, manipulate, or bully somehing into happening that just doesn't seem to feel like it's the "right thing".

I was going to tell you I loved you today but Best allready beat me to it.

so I will say it anyway... you are a wonderful part of what makes SR my solid connection to recovery. Love you lady!

[margo]

I love you's two too!

[lafever chris]

Congradulations on your honesty, thats a big step in recovery, one that if not achieved will be the shortcumming, if not downfall, in your journey. Now that you`ve become honest you can build a whole new foundation, one without cracks in it. I know because there was a time when i lied to gain acceptance in the fellowship, i loved the way people treated me, and even though i was miserable inside, i didn`t want to let go of my so called status that i felt i had achieved in the rooms, that some how if i got honest i was letting people down. Now thats insane, concidering that the program is based on honesty. That old saying "Your as sick as your secrets" is true. I was living a lie, everything i said to the newcomer about staying clean was true, i just wasn`t practicing myself, i had adapted the program to fit my lifestyle until it became so unbearable that the only way out was to become honest. Those that matter don`t mind, and those that mind don`t matter. To me your a winner! It`s much better to be working on 30, 60, 90, etc... knowing that you have earned what you have, then walk around full of yourself. I often get caught up in the meetings with whoe`s full of it, then i`m reminded that if i am not the problem, then there is no solution. I know that what i do in my recovery might inspire others, especially when they see the freedom that comes with being honest. Most addicts would rather die, or go insane then get honest, thus many just dissapear, leaving us wondering what ever happened to joe or sally. Don`t be a joe or sally, keep doing what your doing, and chances are if someone gives you **** about your honesty its because you`ve found a courage that seems untangable to them. Believe this , most people put others down because you`re doing what they cannot. Whether you realize it or not your an inspiration to us all. And it proves that the program works if you work it. Keep adapting your life to program and you shall know a new peace, one that people cannot help but notice, and they`ll say, i want what she has.


chris



P.S. God loves you, for he`s know all along, and still stuck by you.

[namommy]

((((((((margo))))))))

I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and I too love you.

I am glad you are doing better today.

And, damn!!! 3 days without smoking, you are my hero. I have been thinking about it alot lately. Even considered setting a quit date. (I've done that about a million times).

[margo]

((((((((((Chris & Namommy))))))))))

Thank you.