Anger and what to do........

[Kahlia]

HI, all....I am a recovering addict-3 years clean. My family are all dysfunctional. I am soooo angry that I sould just scream, but do not want to lose my voice. My Mother told me that she does not believe anything I say and I am a drug addict. I told her, "Yes, I am a RECOVERING drug addict" I hear about everything that I have ever done and things that are very hurtful to me. My younger brother passed away recently at the age of 42 in his sleep. I was cursed out by my older brother, he was hungover and needed a target. My Mother said that she was not there, so she did not know what REALLY happened???hmmmmm.....as a person in recovery, I have made my amends and I am done with them at this point. I have nobody that I owe one to. I am just at my wits end and I keep coming up with the "MOTHER" thing. Like what if something happened and I have told her that I do not wish to speak to her under these circumstances. I am wrong either way to me. I am not willing to put up with this sort of verbal abuse and yet she is my Mother. It is difficult. Then the older brother calls me after all this time and wants to know how I am???? GUILT??? I really do not trust his motives as he is still drinking and he wanted to know private things about me. It was weird. My 1st thought was that mom had put him up to it to find out what was going on since I won't talk to her. Her parting statement was "The only way I will ever call you is if someone is lying in the funeral home". NICE.....I think she is crazy and I told her she needs help. I KNOW that I cannot control anything but myself and I am not trying to. I am just MAD.....and that is a secondary emotion that comes from hurt....thanks for listening and any input would be greatly appreciated.....I have gone to a meeting.......Kahlia

[Gooch]

Takes time for us to change....

Takes even more time for our families to recognize it

[Ann]

Kahlia

Years ago my son (who is an addict) took me to a NA conference and we listened to a wonderful speaker named Mona, who had 25 years clean. She shared, with humour, that her mother still took her purse to bed with her when Mona visited.

My point is, you don't have to prove yourself to anyone. The fact you are clean and living a better life today is proof enough, whether they choose to see it or not. Whether she trusts you or doesn't remains her issue, she owns that not you. I know that it can be annoying and even hurtful to know she doesn't trust you, but there's nothing you can do to change her, even if you're clean 25 years like Mona.

But you can develop a sense of humour about it, see the funny side of it, and let it go. Your behaviour has changed since you found recovery, and that is admirable. The thing is, her behaviour has not changed, and the best thing to do is learn to live with it or without it, either way she owns it.

Be true to yourself, you know in your own heart who you are and how you are, and that's really all that matters.

Hugs
Ann

[Blessed]

If you were my daughter I would be so proud of you for your recovery. Most of my life I did not get what i needed from my family. They are incapable, I accept that. My sister said some very hurtful words to me, they broke my heart, I told her I love you, I will pray for you. I do have boundaries today,I dont tolerate abuse. I have found a supportive family in my recovery group. I am careful of the words I speak, Quick to admit my wrongs and willing to forgive others for their wrongs. I do it so i can be free from anger and the spirit that comes with it. So I can be filled instead with a spirit of peace and love. I seek Gods will in my life and trust in him. I pray for the power to carry it out. You are a miracle...You are divinely loved. seek your serenity in him...

[Kahlia]

Ann-I agree with you about the humor of the whole thing...when my Mom told me the only way she would call me is if someone where lying in the funeral home, I said...."I can read about that in the paper". Not being mean, it was just so funny that she thought that way. I am prioud of me today and who I have become. I just needed to vent and get it out...I do not keep anyhting in anymore, that was one of my biggies when it came to using. I always sat back and took all the crap anyone gave me. She does not even know who I am today. It is OK....she is ill and I was too. I am just better now that I have gotten help. I pray for these people as I hope someday they can feel what I feel inside-a sense of acomplishment and a peace that only a HP can give you....Thanks for your kind words....Mom also keeps her purse hidden...Kahlia

[Shakur T.]

Peace,

My family were probably the last ones to accept the fact that I was changing. It was mostly because they had heard it all before. My biggest difficulty was not trying to convince them of my sincerity, but of me being able to overlook THEIR shortcomings like I want others to overlook mine..

I had a hard time forgiving my mother for some very hard things said and done to me, but it was ESSENTIAL for me in this recovery process to learn how to understand instead of trying to be understood. After some years of acceptance, committment and surrender, we began working on our relationship. Today, I'm happy to say that we are best friends! We still don't see eye to eye on a lot of things but we are able to transend our differences and live in harmony and peace...

[Cathy31]

Hi Kahlia
It must be very hurtful for you the way your mother has behaved. You have gotten some great advice here - seeking to understand and not be understood is a HUGE one for me. I agree with Best you ARE a miracle, it's TOTALLY understandable that you are feeling hurt, but remember resentments (however well founded!!) are poison for us addicts, so I am glad you could come here and vent, take it to a meeting and to the Lord in prayer, I find that helps. I just can't STAND being wronged!!! But we have to live with it and live better despite it. I think you are totally justified in setting boundaries too. think about it, talk about it and pray about it.
I'm glad you are here and I'm sorry that you were hurt.
Cathy31
x

[Kahlia]

Cathy-Thanks for the kind words and you are right about resentments-they eat us alive if we let them. I have turned it over to my HP and am just moving along the road to peace and serenity. I cannot change anyone and won't try. Have been through the whole co-dependant thing and am done with all that, too. It is amazing that even though we KNOW these people are still sick, we are still hurt by them. We want support and love and get a lot of hurtful things thrown our way. I guess, too, it is my Mother. She Knows what buttons to push. I am not angry anymore, I am in a semi-numb state now. That's how I deal with things...I kinda hang out and just let it all pass by me.....as it says.....This too shall pass......Kahlia