Want to work 12 Steps, but meetings don't help.

[tyler]

I have been a marajuana abuser for over 16 years. I have spent the vast majority of this time stoned. I would smoke when I woke up, continue throughout the day until bed, and even wake up in the middle of the night to get high. I was spending at least $1000 a month on my habbit. Of course it affected all aspects of my life and eventually lead toward the loss of my employment, loss of my wife of 11 years, bankruptcy, and attempted suicide. I think it is safe to say that my life had become unmanagable. I have been to treatment twice with little success and been hospitalized for depression twice as well. Over the last couple of years I have attended well over 100 NA meetings in hopes that this may help me. At one point I attended over 50 meetings in a row. I have shared in some meetings, have listened in others. For the most part I have found them to be not helpful at all. I don't really identify with most of the people at the meetings. They are all nice enough, but beyond having a drug problem, I don't really have much in common. Here is my question. I think that I could probably benifit from "working the 12 steps." I would at least like to give it a shot. However it has been my experience that a "sponsor" insists on regular meeting attendence in order to work together. I am just not willing to take over 2 hours out of my day, every day, to attend meetings that have just not proven helpful at all. There are only 24 hours in a day. At least 8 are spent sleeping, 9-10 spent working, and I like to make the best use of the remaining ones. I'm sure there are those who will say that I "just want to work my own program," or "am not willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean." Staying clean is really not an issue. I have been clean for over a month on my own. I finally reached a point in my life where I reconized what a mess I've made of everything and really have no desire to return to that life. The only place that life will lead me to is death. If I really want to kill myself, there are much faster and less painful ways to do it. However, I do feel that great emptiness in my life. I think the 12 steps my help teach me how to fill that void. NA says that it gives "suggestions" and that a person should "take what helps and leave the rest behind." It also says that the defination if insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Why must I attend meetings when they are of no help to me? I guess I wouldn't be opposed to going to 1-2 a week, but every day just isn't going to happen. If this is required to work the 12 steps then I guess I need to find another option. I would like to hear any advise or opinions anyone has. I'm at a point that I'm not sure what to do. I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post as that is certainly not my intention. I have posted this on both the NA board and Substance Abuse board. I hope that is not a problem. Thanks in advance for your advice.

[bikewench]

For the most part I have found them to be not helpful at all. I don't really identify with most of the people at the meetings. They are all nice enough, but beyond having a drug problem, I don't really have much in common.

That's too bad.

In my opinion... it's working the Steps that lifted me out of the muck.... and following the principles of the program.

In meetings... I relate to what people are doing around their addiction. It's like a mirror to me to see how the addiction is working in my life. That's how I relate.

An oldtimer said to me once... when I was lamenting once again that I just couldn't' "get it"....

"you'll stop using when the pain of using is greater than the pain of not using."

That statement made me look at just what I was giving up to use... and made me aware of how I lie to myself so that I don't have to face what's going on in my own head.

Spending time on this forum was a huge wakeup for me... as every aspect of the addictive personality is covered. Codependency is the root of all addiction... so if you can't deal with your addiction head on or in meetings... you might want to attack it from the side.. by understanding what is driving you to use in the first place.

You can be free.

[Paulie]

The only requirement is the desire to stop using.

Maybe you are not finding meetings helpful because your are looking at the differences, not the similarites to others in the room.

There is no requirement that says you have to go to a meeting everyday to work the steps with a sponsor. In my experience, every sponsor is differnt. I would suggest that you ask at meeting level if there is anyone in the room available for sponsorship. then meet with the person/people and discuss this with them. If I met you at a meeting and you told me all this, I would say okay do 2 meetings a week and we will start to work the steps and see how you feel after you get into working them.

Remember it is your recovery, a sponsor is just someone to guide you.

But understand that some sponsors have different requirements than others, so you may have to talk to different people. For me I suggest the amount of meetings depending on the person, their life, etc. I have a sponsee with 3 kids, asking her to attend a meeting everynight would overwhelm her between the kids, homework and all that stuff. What works for her is 2 meetings during the week that are in the day and 1 at night that her kids like to go to with her.

Everyone is different, dont' give up.

[Gooch]

Over the last couple of years I have attended well over 100 NA meetings in hopes that this may help me. At one point I attended over 50 meetings in a row. I have shared in some meetings, have listened in others. For the most part I have found them to be not helpful at all.

Helpful to who? you ? maybe your attendance at a meeting might be helpful to another guy who wanders in and doesn't feel like he fits in because he was only a stoner..

That emptiness you feel ..... just a shot in the dark here but it's self centered in nature.

If you want your emptiness to go away try helping someone else. Sponsorship isn't just about what the sponsee gets out of it, it's a 2 way street.

No offense intended...

[Roxann]

Tyler,
Hi I'm Roxann and I'm an addict. I am a mom of 2 young active boys, and married to a man who works 2 jobs so that I can afford to stay home with my boys. Going to a meeting everyday is absolutely impossible for me. I have it worked out so that I attend 2 meetings a week one week, and 3 a week the next. I go to the same meetings everytime, and one of them is my home group where my sponsor goes also. I also enjoy catching an online meeting here when I can, which isn't often.

ON the weeks I go to 2 meetings, my sponsor comes over here after I take my son to kindergarten and we read the Basic Text and work in the 12 Step Workbook. I call her everyday, and sometimes more than once. It's a good situation for both of us.

I'm sure that you can work something out that will work for you. Good luck Tyler.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by tyler

I was spending at least $1000 a month on my habbit. Of course it affected all aspects of my life and eventually lead toward the loss of my employment, loss of my wife of 11 years, bankruptcy, and attempted suicide. I think it is safe to say that my life had become unmanagable.

And the problem with this is it will only get worse unless you are willing to do something about your addiction

I think that I could probably benifit from "working the 12 steps." I would at least like to give it a shot. However it has been my experience that a "sponsor" insists on regular meeting attendence in order to work together. I am just not willing to take over 2 hours out of my day, every day, to attend meetings that have just not proven helpful at all. There are only 24 hours in a day. At least 8 are spent sleeping, 9-10 spent working, and I like to make the best use of the remaining ones.

Everyone has a busy schedule.We all have jobs,oblications,etc.The thing about recovery is,you must be WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS!Recovery is hard work,and it doesnt happen over night.The reason the meetings havent helped is because you have not worked the steps.If I did nothing but attend meetings and didnt have a sponsor to help guide me through the steps,nothing would change.And recovery for me is about change and surrendering.

Why must I attend meetings when they are of no help to me? I guess I wouldn't be opposed to going to 1-2 a week, but every day just isn't going to happen. If this is required to work the 12 steps then I guess I need to find another option.

For me the meetings are now mostly about the fellowship.I have a lotta friends in NA,and when I go to a meeting I get to go see them.Going to a meeting everyday is only a suggestion.Usually for newcomers.90 meetings in 90 days.

[doorknob]

Hey Tyler,

Long time pothead here too. Smoked 24/7, even waking up at night and smoking just to go back to sleep. As far as meetings and the steps, I'm just the opposite. I find them helpful to feel connected but don't have a clue what to do with the steps as a nontheist. Anyway, there's no reason why you can't work them. I believe there are workbooks and like others have said, sponsors vary as do meetings. There's also MA too, if it is in your area. Thanks for sharing.

Paul J (Day 2)

[Gooch]

doorknob .. Couldyou help me out with a definition for "nontheist"? I can't seem to find an entry in a dictionary.

[doorknob]

Originally Posted by Gooch

doorknob .. Couldyou help me out with a definition for "nontheist"? I can't seem to find an entry in a dictionary.

It just means that I don't believe in any theistic religion (a personal interventionalist god) like the one spoken of in the 12 steps. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in the possibility of some ultimate reality, but not one that answers prayers and intervenes in the life of humans. I guess some where between atheist and agnostic. It's a term I got from a LifeRing member, and I thought it better described my belief system. Just not (non) a theist. Like eastern religions are nontheistic religions. I hope that makes sense!

Paul J (Working on day 3)

[Gooch]

Way to go on day 3!

ok .. makes sense to me.. I do know many who attend 12 step fellowship meetings and work the steps who fit that description.. Some of them have helped me come to my own understanding of God. The important aspects of the God refered to in the steps is that it's a power greater than ourselves and that we are totally free to develop our own understanding and relationship with that ultimate reality that is comfortable for us.. You don't have to agree with my understanding or vice versa for "it" to work for us. The important thing is that we share the hope of freedom from addiction and our experiences coping with our emotions and challenges without dope.

I've taken aspects of many different theologies and quantum physics and combined them in a manner that works for me. Narcotics Anonymous is truly a spiritual not religious program. If you feel as though there is some interconnectedness between mattter and energy that may explain some of the "coincidental phenomena" that occurs in your life I would interpret that as spiritual enough to work the steps.

[FriendofBill]

Tyler

I commend you on wanting to recover.
My suggestion would be to obtain some willingness.

Willingness to do things different this time
Willingness to do something that doesnt feel "comfortable"
Willingness to listen to others who have found peaceful sobriety
Willingess to do what those other do in order to obtain peaceful sobriety

Self-will is a power enemy in the fight of addition. Try giving yours to someone, something in exchance for a higher powers will...."HIS" will will guide you to that recovery that feels so good.

Good luck

[tyler]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate your time and concern. I have discovered several 12-step alternatives which I think may be helpful. I think I will investigate these further. I am not going to get into specifics as this is an NA forum and I don't want to start yet another *issing contest about who's program is better. I have not given up on the 12-steps, I just think it may be time to look at some other options. Thanks again for everyone's opinions and suggestions.

[Gooch]

Sharing our experience, strength, and hope about what has worked for us in our recovery should never depend on promotimg our program of choice through bashing someone elses.

I appreciate the respect you demonstrate for Narcotics Anonymous.

Here's hoping you discover the combination that proves succesful for you.

[Roxann]

Good luck Tyler. I hope that whatever you choose, you find your way to sobriety and happiness. Thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

[Paulie]

As long as you are sober, that is what matters how ever you do it

[godsonmyside]

I think that I could probably benifit from "working the 12 steps." I would at least like to give it a shot. However it has been my experience that a "sponsor" insists on regular meeting attendence in order to work together. I am just not willing to take over 2 hours out of my day, every day, to attend meetings that have just not proven helpful at all. There are only 24 hours in a day. At least 8 are spent sleeping, 9-10 spent working, and I like to make the best use of the remaining ones.

Maybe all that smoking burnt some cells that keeps the selective thinking patterns screwed up!!!! No pun intended. Most show up to this 12 step Fellowship and don't want to work the 12 steps. Go figure!!! Now I meet some one who wants to work the 12 steps, but not the way they are intended. Wow! Let me know how that works!!!!!!!!
When I went to meetings I couldn't figure out things either, so I learned to ask the ones I could Identify with, there has to be someone. NA is about Recovery, not about what we used. Although we do find these things out, sometimes too much information about the using and not about the 12 steps, in my opinion. But all in all, there is someone usually that we can identify with in NA, and we can learn something from them, if we really want help, we can get that help. 1 month is awesome, by yourself is wonderful, That how you got to this point in your life in the first place. I really hope you can work through the denial in your life and believe this process can do for you what it has for many of us who live it. Those couple of hours that are so worth not f*ckin up to learn how to live, I hope you love them and can enjoy them, those are the hours that got me to having to work the 12 steps in the first place, to learn a New Way to Live....
Todd J.

[mackat]

hee heee
damn if i don't find us to be the wackiest bunch o' folk- coudn't DREAM up our various characters!!!
evertime i'm sure i've heard the last possible reason to NOT surrender, get willing, get honest etc A brand new shiny rationale pops up. I love it!!!!!
me? i'm back to basics -step one, lots of meetings, work w/ others, meditation and prayer to the gawd of my missunderstanding cause i had a real genuine scare recently and i have been watching old timers falling out of this and two are now recently deceased and so i know that MY disease will kill me.
And i know that i have been on that spiritual ride which gooch and others have alluded to, and i know that that is when i have been ALIVE - truly ALIVE!
OH yeh- and my ol sponsor KS is back in .
So
its all about learning to love myself. And sometimes my silly ol brain is the biggest obstacle to that.

mackat

[Gooch]

'sup Mack? long time no see you've been missed bro!

[godsonmyside]

Great to see ya Mack!!
Todd J.

[mackat]

Good to see you Todd, Gooch!!!!! much luv!!!!!
life has been eventful-maybe get it together to do a thread update. Suffice it to say that besides Hunter S. T. spreading his brains all over his room just up the road from me , we have had 2 OD deaths in the last month in our rooms.
both of em guys who at times really seemed to have a hold of recovery.[D's 5 yr ol son asks "is heaven close enough so's i can visit my dad?"...gulp]

So once again i am eye ball to eye ball with my disease.
Cause i know that left to my own devices, i was just as self centered as to forget that anyone else existed but me and my pain.
When i realize what i would have missed by checkin out back then.....
whew

hugs to all
mackat

[lafever chris]

You are a 30 day miracle, one day at a time. But sounds like your trying to disqualify yourself from getting help. One of our biggest enemies is ourselves, we often say or think, i`m uniqe, or i`m different. Also, you just don`t understand. One of the addicts best sayings is, i know, but. It`s suggested 90 in 90. This is not to drive us crazy, it`s to help emphasize to ourselves how unmanageable our lives really are. Alot of addictive personality comes out in 90 days and were no longer able to hide the real us. This is usually the shortcumming in our program, because most addicts sabotage their own recovery without ever realizing it. One of the last things that becomes clear to an addict, is that they are addicts. Addiction is the only disease that tells us we don`t have one. People get to know us, and call us on our b...sh.. . We begin to see ourselves in other people. We begin to look at the similarities not the differences. Narcotics Anonymous is a We program, We do recover. We isolated ourselves long enough, we start to realize that were the problem, not people, places, and things, even though we like to blame everything but ourselves. We have to realize that we cannot change the people, places, and things, that we can only change ourselves, the real problem. I`f i`m not the problem, there is no solution. Ultamately Know one can tell you what to do. What i have told you is my experience, strength, and hope, that`s all any of us really have to offer. What has been passed down from one addict to another. Everthing that has been taught me, is what has awakened and helped countless others. I keep what i have by giving it away. Some day, you too, will have this gift. Now you say, a meeting a day is taking time out of your life, and that time is too short to wast. Yet chances are, you used 24/7. Hmmmmmmmmmm........ . Is one hour, too big a price to pay for your freedom? Or should you risk going back to the hell you once knew?


chris

P.S. Don`t give up the miracle. And god bless you on your journey to being happy, joyous, and free.