Needing Some Advice...

[rose]

Hi Everyone,
Just to give you a brief update, my husband of 20 years took up crack almost 2 years ago, it turned are household into a living nightmare. I had to make him leave the home, he was running around with young prositutes, spending up to$400.00 a day, what was left in the bank I had to take what was left and put it into a place where he could not get at it. I tried my best to stand by his side and give him support only to be brought down again by his selfishness and manilpulation, he started to become violent, mainly when he was coming down and wanting money. He then did 3 armed robberies, was released on a nine month house arrest, he was not living with us during his house arrest, but I knew that he was out past his curfew and going by the court orders, the police knew his car and the people he was hanging out with were known to the police and I knew that it was only a matter of time before he was caught. Well he did and now the judge revoked the house arrest and put him in jail. During this time in jail, he just shows and talks to me with words of hate for me and wants me to take some of the responsiblity. If I hadn't take the money away he wouldn't have had to do the robberies, kicking him out made him hurt so much that he did more crack. I have distanced myself from him and refuse to go and visit, realizing that I have to go on and what happens to him happens. He parents have been away since Dec 20th and just returned last week. I got a call from his mom and she told me that she sees no hope in him ever getting better as he has nothing left to strive to get better for, he has lost his wife and sons. I was going fine mentally, but when she told me this, I started back to square one of what can I do to help. I know I can't do it for him, it has to come from within him.
Has anyone here lost there families and still knew that they had to do it for themselves without there families?

Rose

[lafever chris]

Right now he`s still hanging on to anyone that will enable him to continue the insanity. Sometimes jail isn`t enough to quit. Your dealing with an evil drug, one that doesn`t care who it hurts, it`s boundries are infinit. He needs to be acountable for his own actions, as long as someone is there to help him he can`t hit the bottom that he needs for a reality check. Sounds cruel but your dealing with a drug that has more love for him than you do, that`s why it`s so hard to break the deadly cycle. I wouldn`t be afraid to go see him, just don`t give in to his demands, you must be in charge at all times to quickly humble him. I`ts not about anyone abanding him right now it`s about him taking responsability for his own actions and making amends where they are due, wether to the court system, you, family, etc.. Only then, should he have gained all your trust, to ease him back into your life completely. I`f need be, let him stay at a half way house, keep daily contact over the phone with him and make him truly greatfull to come back home at your terms. Thats if family doesn`t inable him right out the gate.



chris


P.S. It`s not that you don`t love him, it`s because you do.

[Moontime]

You did the right thing, you didn't enable him. Who robbed the armed robberies, he did? He's not looking at his responsibility of being a slave to the disease of addiction. Yeah, it was easy for me to blame everyone and anything of why I ended up where I did. I finally hit my bottom when I was cut off from my family. Shame/guilt were my bottoms, you need to look at for you. If he wants help, get him NA meetings, half-way houses/detox information, I wouldn't go that much further. He needs to do this for himself, tough-love approach worked for many,many addicts me included. It sounds like he's one who needs it that way too.

[rose]

Moontime,
Before he was put in jail, not the 1st time I got him out by getting him into a rehab, had to take the stand and tell the judge just what a great person and family provider, father and spouse, the judge released him and let him go to to rehab, after rehab I did go to some of the NA meetings with him, but not all, this was for him and I was going to my own. Some nights I would drop him off at NA only for him to walk in the front door and out the back up the street to the dealers, then he would be waiting for me outside the meeting to pick him up, I knew he was higher than a kite and just what he had done. He has been in jail now since Oct. was in another city and it didn't go to see him and didn't have the money to waste on gas to listen to his crap. He put in a transfer to a jail here in town and called thinking now I can come every weekend for a visit, but I refuse to go. He calls me every name in the book, the C (that hurts), says he wants me to loose everything and hurt just the way he hurts. I refuse to give him anymore moral support, I have done all that is possible for me to do for him.

Rose

[Moontime]

My Great Grand sponsor who has many decades clean says this is Recovery program, not a drug program. When someone who is a non-addict and married to an addict, he tells the non-addict to run and run like hell.

[lostinky]

Yes, my sister .Granted I gave her a starting point by calling th epolice and placing a mental inquest warrant on her but that was it.
the rest she did - On her own and for herself - and is still clean 11 years later .
You can not save him - he has to do it for himself.If jail time , losing you wasn't motivation enough ,then taking him back will not help either.
As hard as it is and as much as you wish differently, that is the reality .
The only thing you can do now is to save yourself and your children if you have any .
I visit quite frequently the NarAnon forum here - it helps so much .
Perhaps you should just peek in ?
Until he wants to help himself , there is nothing anybody can do .Sad but true.

[rose]

I guess for me the most hurtfull, is the spite and resentment he holds towards me, he truly wants me to hurt and lose what I have saved. I still have our boys, the home, my job and are longtime friends. These are not the friends he took up with, but friends that where there for him, but in the long run they knew that there was no more they could do for him. Just why in one hand does he want to see me hurt ( as if I haven't, lost 30lbs and I am only 5ft) then in another breath, pleades that I will be there for him. In no way shape or form is he coming back home when he gets released from jail and I will not be involved as to where he goes to live. I know that this is something he has to conquer on his own. I have also come to the point that he can no longer be my partner, this doesn't mean that I don't love or care for him, I just know that I will always be looking and waiting for the ball to drop again and it is not how I want to live my life. I go to al-anon and have learned so much. I came so far, then I got the call from his parents saying that he has no hope or anything in his life to have a goal to reach for if he doesn't have his boys and his wife there. It just put me back to square one, we are just no going to live on egg shells with him. Has anyone here lost there families over this? I am feeling like if I am not there he will die one day and I will have remorse for the rest of my life, maybe I should have done more, but in my heart I know I did the very best I could.

Rose

[lafever chris]

My heart goes out to you rose, sounds like you`ve made your mind up. Just stick with it. And just talking about it helps, it also sounds like you have a good support system with the al-anon.


chris

P.S. keep on, keepin on, you can always re-evaluate this situation at a later time. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is give time, time.

[splendra]

(((((Rose))))

I think you are doing very good..... I know it hurts for you to hear all the name calling and the badgering but, that is the disease calling out to you not your husband. I will say a prayer for you and your family. I hope you won't let the disease rob you of your peace.....

[dahoop]

Hi Rose I can relate to your story mine is very similar and my experience is he would never take any responsibility for his actions It was always my fault. Well I took responsibility for my part and that was putting up with it for as long as I did, The lies the blaming it all left my self-esteem very low and a lot of prayer and and recovering friends to get to the other side. After a year or so he would still call to abuse me verbally and after all this time he still blames me well I didnt put the pipe to his mouth all I have done is let him go he has a God and so do I the only regret is that it left me leary of men and untrusting. Now that I am with someone else it is a process to let him in and let my walls down because of the fear. But He is very understanding and patient and treats me better than anyone has ever so my life after the turmoil is better than I could imagine. Just wanted you to know that someone can relate and that ther is a light a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Take care of you and the boys and your gifts too will be great.
you are a miracle
darlene