Question on drugs & pregnancy!!

[marteen]

Hi, I am from the Naranon forum and would like to ask a question. I don’t know where else to ask and I am at a very confused and concerned place right now. Sorry this is so long but I need to give a little background.

My 23 yr old daughter is the addict in my life. DOC was cocaine but don’t know now. Last January, she was admitted to ER for attempted suicide. They tested her positive for 9 different drugs including cocaine. By court order, she was admitted to state mental hosp for 72 hour evaluation due to the suicide. She was then supposed to go to a drug out patient program etc. She only went to one visit, at which the therapist told her she was a drug addict. AD told me that and cried and said it was the first time she had heard someone tell her what she was. However, that did not last long. Last Christmas, I stupidly gave her some extra money (did not know at the time that was a no-no). It was to pay a payment on the car she pawned but she told me later, when her car was repossessed, that she used that money on drugs!

By May, she had met a 30yr old, ex-con (for drugs, armed robbery) addict and moved with him several states away. We have not seen her since then but the phone communication has been horrible. She is always off the wall (or at least most of the time), constantly blaming us for everything wrong in her life, has severed her close relationship with younger sober sister, and has consistently acted extremely “out of character” for her. She has always had mood swings and a temper, but Mr. Marteen and I did not know that she had been smoking pot and drinking since she was 15! Could have had a lot to do with that! And I personally think that she is bi-polar.

That is just a very brief summation of what we know has been going on with her. As you can see, the drug stuff is not in our imagination. In addition, my AD is and never has been the type of person who has ever fought hard for anything, either for herself or anyone or anything else. She is NOT the type of person who I would consider could have the determination to kick a drug habit or any habit by herself.

The problem and the question is this: She says she is now pregnant. Says she has gone to first pre-natal visit and had all types of blood tests etc. How can she hide that she is doing drugs? And if they found out, wouldn’t there be repercussions? Have we all been crazy in thinking that she is doing drugs and/or drinking? I have never heard anyone so mean, nasty, foul-mouthed and blaming as she has been to us time and time again. She accuses me of being on Prozac because I don’t yell and cry on the phone like I used to. I have told her that I am working on MY recovery and I choose to not handle things like that anymore. Of course, there are times when she pushes my buttons and I yell and scream but I am more aware and try not to.

What gives? Can anyone shed some light on this? I love my AD and I am so worried about this child she may be bringing into the world. She and ex-con never have any money; always need $200.00 and he was in jail for a couple months, again, just recently. While he was away, AD was completely “off the wall”. She could not function and would verbally abuse and scream and yell at us. We finally had to shut off all the phones. We just couldn’t take it. Again, very extreme behavior. Actually, she wasn’t very good again until he got out of jail, which leads me to believe that he may be her supplier. Just a thought.

I know this is long and I am sorry but I would appreciate it if anyone can give me some info or advice.

Thank you so much and prayers to all of you.

Hugs,

Marteen

[nodope]

Dear Mrs. Marteen,

My heart is broken for you. I am fairly new here, and have no authority or skills to give you any advice.
I am praying for your daughter. She needs help for sure. I am so sorry you are going through this. She has no idea at this time just how fortunate she is to have such a loving, and caring mother.
Please let me tell you from an addicts view. We belittle, and curse those dearest to us. We BLAME everyone, and everybody except ourselves for where we are. I found the one who loves me the most, and who would go to the ends of the earth for me.....my mom....was the easiest target. The easiest to con money from. It is truly amazing what a mother will give to her child, and for how long, and how a beloved daughter can just keep conning. To this day my poor mom sleeps with her money down her pants. Once she started to fend for herself I physically pushed her. I ripped money from her hands. I stole from her. It must be so awful seeing the child you raised turn into such a monster. You mentioned how angry she got when you remained calm. That's what we do when the people we love get wise, and can no longer live with our mess.
I'm sure the good people on here will bring comfort, and help. I believe there are ways to bring safety to a child. If she is even pregnant. This is only my opinion. If she's "out there" I don't think she'd go for prenatal visits. She may even use this as a way to get something monetary out of you. Then again if she is maybe this will bring her to some much needed help.
Hopefully you can find some peace. You are a devoted mom. There is no way that you, and your husband knew what she was doing as a teen. Every single thing we say, and do is usually calculated, and viscious. There is hope though. As you know that is NOT your daughter. She can come back though. I am certain she loves you, and the rest of her family. She's just terribly sick right now. I send you love, and hope. I am sure someone will help you here. Know you are a great mom, and this is not your fault.

[marteen]

Nodope,

Thank you so much for your kind words and for the inside info from an addict's view. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you being frank with me. I pray that you work through your sobriety and you have to give yourself a lot of credit for acceptiing what you are and have done. That is the one thing that I pray my AD will someday discover. Then, and only then, will she be able to start her healing process. And learning to forgive yourself as well is an extremely important thing.

I do pray, for the baby's sake, that AD is not pregnant but again, I have no way of knowing. I might just call and tell her that I am flying there to make sure she gets to the doctor. Would be interesting to hear what she has to say. In fact, that might be my next move. I am just concerned for the baby, if there is one.

Again, thanks and I will say a prayer for you and your sobriety.

Hugs,

Marteen