Let me try again :-) - help me understand this man

[Cranberry7777]

I met a wonderful man. He told me on the very first date that he was in recovery for both drugs and alcohol. Says he's been clean for 10 yrs. He's been very open about it and attends regular meetings.

I guess what I'd like to know is this: is trying to form a relationship with a man in recovery the same as trying to form a relationship with a man who is not dealing with those issues? I am no stranger to addictions - not personally, but with previous men in my life. Part of me wonders why, once again, I am attracted to someone with an addictive personality, but I did not know this about him while I was scoping him out :-). But at least this man is a million steps ahead of the other men I've been with - this man is in recovery where the men in my past could not even admit to having a problem.

I'm seeing that trying to get close to this man is going to be like pulling teeth. If that is just the way he is programmed, recovery notwithstanding, then fine - I'll step away. But I'm wondering if I need to be more patient with him due to him being in recovery?

Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated. I don't want to walk away from him based on my ignorance on this subject. He has said to me that he doesn't want to "take me hostage". What does he mean by that? What is the mindset of a man in recovery when trying to have a relationship?

Thanks!

Sarah

[Time2Surrender]

Maybe he just doesnt want to jump into anything too quickly,which many of us especially early in recovery tend to do.If he has been clean 10 yrs and is actually working a program,then Im sure everything will be fine.Just give him some time.

[Evanna]

Oh my, Sarah. Hugs. Reading your post i found myself thinking never mind the man, understand yourself. Sounds like you have some patterns going on there that you are really aware of but maybe not fully dealt with yet?

I dont think you should be making allowances for this guy because of his recovery beyond the basic respect we would award any person. If he is 10yrs clean then i am guessing that he must be able to take care of his own recovery and doesnt need fixing. Take care of yourself and dont accept (or make) excuses for things that dont sit right with you.

Just my thoughts, reading your post. Others may see different.

[Cranberry7777]

[quote=Evanna]Oh my, Sarah. Hugs. Reading your post i found myself thinking never mind the man, understand yourself. Sounds like you have some patterns going on there that you are really aware of but maybe not fully dealt with yet?


Thanks Evanna. Its funny because after I posted my original post, I surfed the net a bit, and have read many similar posts from women who appear to have the same pattern as me - and it seems SO clear to me when I read it about someone else, but meanwhile, its clearly my problem too! I've also been researching co-dependency. I think I may very well have bigger issues than I imagined. Thanks for pointing that out. :-)

[Evanna]

Sounds like you been doing some soul searching. Well done that Sarah.

You may find the women's forum and Nar-Anon forum on here helpful to you. Many lovely women on this board.

Best Wishes, Evanna.