empathy and compassion. or lack of.

[namommy]

Hello everyone,

I am trying to get to the bottom of some feelings I am having, or should say, NOT having.

My ex-husband had a heart attack on Monday, and has been in the hospital all week. They found some serious problems, and on Friday they transferred him to a specialist at another hospital. The attack was caused as a direct result of this disease. His 1st heart attack happened when he was 29 years old, from endocarditis, a virus that eats the heart valve that gets in your system from IV drug use. He has one artificial valve, and another valve is leaking. Well, he tried to go to rehab last week, but he has a $500 deductible with his insurance, so he decided he would go cold turkey, and do outpatient rehab. He had the attack from the withdrawl.

Anyway, (this is gonna sound really bad). He stiffed me on child support last week, and told me he would get it to me this week and now he can't because he is in the hospital. I don't want to see the man die, he is my childrens father and that would devastate them, but I am not feeling any type of compassion here. I am just feeling pissed off because I am tired of being jerked around for child support. I have $4 to my name until tuesday, and I don't know what I am going to do. I am PISSED.

When he called me about the specialist and we talked, he asked me if I was going to wish him good luck, and I gave him a half-hearted "yeah, good luck" and that was it.

I don't like being this cold hearted, I have learned about empathy and compassion in recovery, and I don't like the way I am feeling and behaving right now.

Any insight would be great, thanks.

[Paulie]

I would say pray for him, pray for the person you have the resentment for. Keep praying until it feels right.

[servicejunkie]

Namommy, empathy and compassion is definately what I'm feeling for you right now. It may sound kind of screwed up, but should we expect anything different from a using addict?? I'm sure you know all about the whole naranon loving them from a distance thing, but that is probably pretty difficult when he is your kids father and you have to let him be in your life to some degree.

I have been repeatedly dissapointed by my brother over the years who is also a using addict. Over time, I have also lost alot of the compassion and care I used to have with him, and have distanced myself from him. I guess maybe its just surrender in action. I guess to some degree it would be INSANE for me to expect anything different from him. I have to try to distance myself from him emotionally sometimes and forgive him when I find myself being resentful.

I do have friends in recovery who will not hessitate to ask to borrow a few bucks when they are on hard times, friends help each other out like that sometimes. From reading your posts, I know there is a part of you that must have empathy and compassion for him, simply from your own experiences with addiction. Unfortunately, you and your childrens wellbeing is at stake so it is certainly understandable that you are not feeling that way right now. Just remember the promise of NA, and keep hope that he will change some day and find freedom from active addiction. My heart and prayers are going out to you and your children and I know god will give you and your kids the strength, courage, humility, serinity, and faith you will need to make it through this and to forgive him. (I know, easier said than done). Love & Respect, Mike L

[namommy]

Thank you.

I prayed alot about this situation, and I realized, that like you said Mike, I have distanced myself from him, put up a wall between us. I have tried over and over again to try and help him find recovery, and he continues to resist.

I did try to call the hospital today to make amends for my cold behavior yesterday, and to tell him that I do wish him luck, and I hope everything goes well. The phone was busy, so I will continue to try. I shared about this at a meeting tonite, and got alot of support. I was told that I must have some compasion just because I am sharing about it and wanting to feel something different than I am right now. I was also reminded that we don't have to accept the unacceptable. His behavior has been unacceptable to me, and it is OK for me not to like it.

I was also reminded (in my heart) that God always sees me through. I always recieve what I NEED. I have been strapped financially before and I have always seen it through to the other side. I have faith that God won't let me down now.

Thanks for being here.