New here! Ex-meth addict

[rene7]

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting. I was addicted to meth for just a little over a year, but now nearly two years later I'm still plagued by it. I hung out with not just dealers, but manufacturers, so I did a lot of it and never had to buy it. I was addicted my entire junior year of high school. At school I was always coming down after a weekend of partying and I lost all of my decent friends. I was hateful and cruel to everyone. Towards the end I shook so bad when I was using or even when I saw dope that I could hardly even do it. Does anyone know why that would happen? So anyways, my boyfriend and I decided to stop together. I was excited for my Sr year because I wanted to try to get my old friends back. Then I got pregnant so I went to a special school and graduated only one month into my Senior year. Now I have absolutely no friends. I refuse to have my baby around meth, so I do not want to go around all my addict friends. (I don't know if they're still doing it or not) I have been clean so long, but I still think about it constantly. Every once in awhile I'll smell it burning (crazy) or wake up because I'm dreaming that I'm smoking it so I'll start sucking in my sleep. Will this ever stop? I don't even feel like the same person I was before I started using. Now I'm really shy, for example I had lunch an old friend the other day (an old dope-friend) and my heart was pounding and I shook the whole time. I don't know why. I can't go to groups or anything because my parents don't know any of this. Even if I wanted to use I don't know how to get it anymore, so that's not an issue. I just need help and support. When will this end? Will I think about it forever? Thanks for listening to me vent.-rene

[Time2Surrender]

Hi Rene,welcome to SoberRecovery.Sorry to hear your going through such a hard time.You came to the right place.You can find a lot of support here.Hang in there.

[bluesky]

Rene-I'm proud of you for staying clean for so long. You can do it. Every morning thank God that you are there for your baby and your baby and you are healthy and can look forward to the day ahead together. There is no greater joy than your child. One day at a time. Life is for living and enjoying your loved ones. Don't let one second slip away from your time with them. I'll pray for your strength to endure and that your cravings will disappear. You have your youth going for you. God Bless!

[duo]

Hi Rene,
Duo here - addict/alcoholic. All I can say is congratulations for coming to SR - you need to vent, as you say, especially if you are unable to go to meetings. You know, part of healing is changing every aspect of our lives, including the friends we used to drug with and the places we did it in. You will find new friends, you will find a healthier social structure on which to depend. Have you thought about joining a sports club or something like that? You must be careful of not isolating yourself - you need the support of others. Keep coming back here - there are so many people here who really care. As far as the cravings - these will dissipate as time goes on. Have faith in that - and when you have a using dream, talk about it - often when I've relapsed I've been able to trace its causes back to a using dream that I simply suppressed upon waking up.
Strength and love
***DUO***

[cj.]

Hello Rene and Welcome to SR!!

I respect the courage you have in staying clean and providing a healthy lifestyle for yourself and your baby. I can also imagine how difficult it must be to have no support on hand when questions and feelings come up about addiction and recovery. I am sure that the members on this board will do their best to answer your questions and give you encouragement when you need it.

As for still smelling the drugs and having using dreams, it is a fairly common occurance for many of us in recovery. I have been clean for 4 1/2 years and I still have the odd using dream and certain smells will trigger what I like to call 'a blast from the past'.

I think it depends on how much importance you place on these times that will determine the amount of power they hold over you.

If I choose to become fixated on them out of fear or longing for the numbing effect the drugs gave me, then I set myself up for a battle with my disease and my thoughts can turn into cravings and possibly lead me to relapse. But, if I choose to see them as a passing blip on my subconscious memory screen and leave it at that and get on with my day, then they lose all potential power to take me back into the darkness of my disease.

I wish you all the best, Rene, and please feel free to keep posting here. You are a miracle. (((((HUGS)))))

cj

[JaneDoe21]

I know what your going through. When I was 19 I moved to Weatherford to start my third year of college at SWOSU. I was the girl with big dreams of earning a college degree...of becoming successful in life and making myself and my parents proud. I tried meth a few times before and being naive I didn't understand the big deal about it. It didn't seem that bad. It was the beginning of summer when I moved there and before I knew I had had managed to find just about every person that used in that town. By the end of summer I was using everyday, staying awake for days and days at a time. I was enrolled in college but never went. I ended up dropping all of my classes. I ran with dealers and manufactureres just like you. I ran up many credit cards and wrote many hot checks to help pay for ingredients to make it. Even though I was getting a lot of it for free, it took more than that to support my habit. By that point not only was I using meth everyday but I had tried coke a couple of times and was doing x on occasions. I went from being a size 7 to being so small that a 1 was too big. I was so unattached from real life I couldn't grasp the fact that what I was doing was wrong. I hadn't talked to my family, which I had always been close to, in over 6 months. Whenever they tried to find me and bring me home I'd get so angry. I saw them as just wanting to run my life and control everything I did. I never once saw it as they knew something was terribly wrong and wanted to help. By the time May came I started to realize I was in way over my head. I was in debt thousands of dollars with nothing to show for it. I had friends going to jail and for whatever reason, I finally realized that the reason I was getting so angry at my family for caring was because of the guilt I was feeling. It was easier to make them the bad guy than to admit I was the screw up. I wasn't ready to come clean to them about my drug use or my debt but I was ready to get out of Weatherford and away from the drug world. I decided to move out of state and start over. I thought if I just got out of Oklahoma everything would be ok. At that same time a friend, and user, decided to tell my parents for whatever reason about all the trouble I was in. When I finally faced them it was like the nightmare was finally ending. Yeah I was extremely ashamed of myself but I could finally tell them everything I had been hiding for so long. It was extremely hard to see how much I had hurt them but at the same time it was a relief for the both of us. I didn't have to hide from them anymore and they didn't have to worry about me anymore. The week that followed I moved back in with my parents. The first day that I was there was hard. My parents were overwhelmed with hurt, anger and sadness. They yelled and screamed for a while and all I could do was cry and say I'm sorry. The next day they had calmed down. They had a thousand questions and for the first time in a year and a half, I didn't hold anything back. I've now been clean for almost 6 months. I'm closer to my family than I ever been. I've moved out of state and am working full-time. I'm going back to college in spring and am getting on with the rest of my life. If I were to say that I never thought about meth I'd be lying. There were a lot of times were I did have a lot of fun and I do miss some of the people I ran with. But I'm also a year and half behind in school now and I caused more hurt and pain to the people who cared about me most. Now that I see the big picture, I see it wasn't worth it. I know coming clean to your family or friends is scary, but it could be the best thing for you. I never would have been able to stay clean if it wasn't for there support. If you can see that you have people that care about you even though you made a mistake, you'll be able to forgive yourself and move on. I think the reason you may think about it so much or have a hard time dealing with it is because you have it all bottled up and it's weighing on your mind. If you could talk about it I think you would feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. We're all here for you and want to see you continue doing well and I'm sure your family and friends will feel the same way.

[unspun]

personal opinion........there is no shame in wanting to address one's addiction. Groups are very helpful. and i'm assuming that being hatefull and cruel to everyone might have also included family. At least it did for me. Anyhow, family can tell when something is wrong in the lives of loved ones, and equally can tell the change once we stop using drugs. And when we work the steps, they see a miracle happen. Using dreams and thoughts about drugs are still with me, probably forever, but when those voices talk to me, I have been given tools to combat those thoughts..........through the program of NA. There is no shame in seeking help, ....and family will be there for you......and the program will be there for you

hang in there, you have come to a good place

[heather]

my name is heather and i was also addicted to meth . i did it everyday for two years and i finally came down in august it was the hardest thing to do. i never bought it it was givin to me and im still fighting the erge i moved from vegas to san bernardino to get away from the tweekers i knew which which was alot in the time i was out there i was stolen from lost my kids and my life and thought i was ok but i guess not. i still live with the guilt and i still want it . i get paranoid still sometimes and its wierd. i have no one who really understands me and im freakin out

[Gooch]

www.na.org

The world Narcotics Anonymous website..

You can find links to regions and local meeting lists, and there is even a meeting locator search engine to help you find meeting locations and times simply by plugging in your town and state or zip code.

You want friends that aren'y using? Go to some meetings and you'll find them.

As for the using dreams, olfactory and auditory associations that go along with our drug use.. Stay clean, work the steps and you'll find the occurences fewer and farther between.

We do recover!

[Nickaddict]

Welcome to SR rene
Like someone from this forum said to me recently: you are a part of our family from the 1st post you make here.
And yes, go find a meeting in your area and find non-using friends who you can relate to and find support, care & love with.
Keep comming back ((Hugs))

Nick.