Surrender and acceptance

[scared114]

I'm not even sure what to write, I've never posted before, but I'm desperate and reading some of your messages has really given me hope. I've been to meetings before. Even managed to put together a few years clean but that was before this last 4 year run. I've been trying to stop since last Thanksgiving but I only made the decision to go back to meetings in September. I went and I managed to put together 1 month but I didn't even make it to pick up a keytag. I relapsed the very next day and have been in the grip for the last couple of weeks.

It doesn't help that my husband of 15 years still uses. He doesn't use my DOC in front of me, but I know where everything is. That's how this last relapse happened-I just helped myself to his stash. He doesn't even know, except maybe he does, the stash is no longer there. So now I can get clean or go find my own connection behind my husbands back.

I don't know how to surrender to the fact that I need to put myself first, go to meetings and not be there to cook dinner sometimes. I've been a people pleaser for so long that I can't stop thinking about how my committing myself to NA will negatively impact my family and what will my MIL (who we live with) think if I'm always gone to a meeting or always on the phone.

And I think even if I do manage to make NA friends, they will never be comfortable in my home because my husband drinks. So I'll go out with them and there I go again not being home.

I really need some help.

[junem]

You need to put yourself first. Who will be there to cook a meal when this disease drives you to your death. Addiction really is a life and death disease. I have seen far too many people die far too young from active addiction. It can also lead to serious mental incapacity whereby you can barely care for yourself, never mind anyone else. Going to meetings and taking a program of recovery to heart is not easy but it is the greatest gift of quality life you can give to yourself and your loved ones. You are in my prayers.

[Shakur T.]

Peace scared114,

"Recovery begins with surrender. From that point, each of us is reminded that a day clean is a day won." - Basic Text pg. 86.

Just try and stay clean today. Keep it that simple. Don't worry about what someone else might think, do or say. Just stay clean today. Go to one meeting at a time. Try and save YOUR life first, and then you can work on the other stuff. Coming back is hard, but many of us have done it. Don't let this disease talk you out of another chance to live.

Give yourself a break, you deserve it!!

[scared114]

Thank you for the support. I'm planning on going to a meeting tonight even if it means that I skip dinner and everyone else fends for themselves. Just for today. just like you said.