Update on me.... if anyone's interested

[BrokenSpirit]

Well.... I was a complete mess again for a while. I managed t trick another doctor into giving me more stuff I shouldn't have. But that's what we do, right??

Anyway, one night is a total blur. I got off easy this time. No car accident this time. No falling down my steps. Thank God, because I could have broken my neck. I NEED to keep thinking about the could of's!! Anyway, I vaguely remember how I kept bashing into things. I broke a LOT of stuff in my house!! I DO remember that I fell flat on my face at least 2 times, landing on my nose both times. I'm not sure if I broke my nose.... I think I might have. Anyway, that was about 2 or 3 weeks ago, and the sore is still there, faded, but still there. At first, I wanted it to go away as quickly as possible, and I tried to cover it up with makeup, but now I WANT to see it. Why?? So I can be reminded of what I've become every time I look in the mirror.... every time I want to go "Trick" my doctor into giving me more pills.

I have to get my new driver's license picture taken soon. Maybe I won't cover it up. Although it isn't THAT noticeable.

Anyway, I started going to a psychologist. I don't think it's working out, because he doesn't specialize in addiction, so I called my insurance company. They told me to go to him one more time, and then call this place where they DO specialize in it and make an appointment. I will do that this coming Monday. That is my only day off. I'm not ready to go back to NA, but this place I'm going to may put me in group sessions.... I'm not sure.

Anyway, I think (hope) I'm really done this time. My biggest fear right now is that the doctor I tricked is the doctor I'm going to go see next month. I ended up switching family doctors & told them everything. The doctor I tricked also knows I'm an addict, so I don't know why he gave me these pills. I'm under an incredible amount of stess right now, and to add to that, I have a really hard time sleeping without my pills. I'm taking Tylenol PM, but I know that HAS to stop. I just do NOT want to relapse. I'm starting to realize how close I've come each time to seriously hurting myself or dying. I CANNOT let that happen. I'm done.

I hope I can make this work. Thanks for listening.

[Imagine...]

Broken Spirit,

Keep being honest with yourself about your addiction. Are there NA meetings in your area? If so, you may want to reconsider going to meetings. In my experience, that's the only thing that's kept me clean. I can almost guarantee if I hadn't become involved in NA I would be tricking my dr or finding another dr. It's too easy to use. It's natural for an addict.

I'm out of town for the holiday and am trying to keep my mind busy b/c there is NOT a meeting here tonight or last night. Missing 2 days of meetings for me is a real challenge.

Believe in yourself!

[Time2Surrender]

Brokenspirit,for what its worth,I am intrested and I care.I am glad you are here getting this out.Keep coming back.And hopefully you will decide to give NA another try also.Hang in there.

[msc1963007]

I have a addict for 25 years, started with pot, and 10 years ago I started meth. Talk about hurting I hurt every day because my wife of 23 years is now a active addict. And I got her started about 8 years ago, I have been clean now for101 days and she still uses 2 times a week or more if she can, and if she dont have any she is very hard to deal with. But thats ok I must fix my self first and Pray that she comes along, Your pain will go away soon , Dont worry NA is your new family and they can and will help you must work the steps and set byour mind to do it if I can YOU CAN, Idont know about you find a HIGHER POWER, For me it helps so much, If you would to talk more about that let me know, go to meetings it helps have faith and nothing is out of your reach, Just do it one day at a time that is so importaint. Thank god for all that you have for today and tommrow do it again you will see in time things will get more clear, Be Honest with your self and get the help you need rember say out loud I am a ADDICT and I need HELP, You can not do it buy your self, Enjoy the rest of the day and lrave it to GOD. Clean made made me enjoy life so much better see you later


GOD BLESS msc1963007

[Imagine]

"I managed to trick another doctor into giving me more....." Us addicts, we think we are so smart and able to trick people into doing what we want, in realty we are only able to trick our selfs into believeing we have that power. "I'm not ready to go back to NA" NA will make it without you or any of us, what you need to ask yourself is how much longer can you make it without NA. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work you steps, and Live A Happy Life. I love you and I want you to please get REAL with yourself.

[namommy]

Hey Brokenspirit,

I am really happy to see you posting here again. I need to tell you that your refusal to go back to NA meetings is a reservation. You know as well as any of us, that you CAN NOT control your addiction. NA is a place of hope, and you are unwilling to see that hope.

Any time you wish, to move past your fear of meetings, give me a call. I will PM you with my phone number. I am just up Rte 1 from where you are, and will be more than happy to go with you to hold your hand if you need it. Give us another chance. Let us help you. Let us love you until you can love yourself.

[cj.]

Welcome Home BrokenSpirit:

I am glad you made it back.

cj

[Gooch]

Glad your here Broken spirit.

Everytime i thought i was done ..... I wasn't. When I became so afraid that I wasn't ever going to be done or die the next time, I became willing to hang around with those who could help me stop grabbing the first one.

[BrokenSpirit]

You guys are the best. I don't know how to thank you. I go through every single day at work, with pure hatred slung at me from co-workers. It's getting a lot worse. Much more openly hostile. It was SOOOO nice to come home & feel the love from you guys tonight I know it sounds corny, lol, but I REALLY needed that. Thank you all so much!!

As for going back to NA, a lot of things are stopping me. I don't even know where to begin, and some of them are probably just excuses, but a lot of them are legit. BUT.... at least I'm going to go to a place that specializes in addiction. That's more than what I've been doing. I guess I'll take it one step at a time. And I'll come here as much as I can. They changed my hours at work, starting tomorrow, so I'm stuck there even longer. I'm not working more hours, but they're sticking me with a longer lunch & making me stay even later. Which makes NO sense, which I tried to point out to them. I tried to get them to change it, but I couldn't. So I'm trying not to flip out on them, which is my normal way of handling things. I'm the ONLY person who has to take a 1 hour lunch on a Saturday & stay that late. Okay, sorry to get off the subject. I guess I was trying to say it's hard for me to get on the computer sometimes because of my hours!! Oops, I got a little long-winded there!! Sorry 'bout that!!

Anyway, thanks again guys. This is going to sound completely pathetic, but I have no friends. It really makes me feel good the way you guys have reached out to me. I'm really happy I found this site.

[Imagine]

Spirit, Get it out of your head that you have no friends, we all here at SR has made it clear you do have friends. And a whole fellowship of friends are holding your chair open for you, and are waiting to give you the biggest hug you've ever had in your life. Your One Step Away from having all the Love in your life you could stand. :na2

[Paulie]

Good to hear from your Spirit....keep trying, practice makes better.

[Time2Surrender]

Good to hear from you again Spirit.as far as NA? I cannot think of one legitimate reason not to go.This is your recovery.It must come first.I know I would never let anyone or anything keep me from a meeting.

[Pepsifreek007]

Falling down again, I know what that feels like. I've done that before but with a different substance. Alcohal was my choice...anyway just keep remeber what you did to yourself and sometimes well alot of times that keeps it at bay. Well, good luck with your addiction.

[namommy]

Hey, I am still right here, the car's in the driveway, and it literally only takes me 2 minutes to get to Rte. 1 and another 15 min. to get to you.

I know, I can be a pushy B*tch.

[Imagine]

Spirit; Call Namommy Please!!!

[BrokenSpirit]

UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST TYPED OUT A WHOLE RESPONSE & LOST IT ALL!!!!!!! HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys!!

Jerome, I know you hate it when I say I have no friends. I KNOW you guys are my friends, and I am SO grateful for each and every one of you. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. What I meant is that I have nobody to call or to come over or to hang out with. As far as friends in the program, it seemed to me that their friendship was too conditional, if that makes sense?? I understand that if I'm using why they wouldn't want to hang out with me, lol, but also, it seems like the women have all known each other forever. Yes, they try to include me.... at least some of them.... but I end up feeling like the third wheel, or however you want to put it. The only time they seem interested in what I have to say is whan I have some dirt to dish on my sister & brother-in-law, who were in the program forever, and who are now having some major problems. These people WERE very close to them for YEARS, but now just want gossip from me. I don't feel comfortable with that. Yes, some of them are genuinely concerned, but hey.... call my sister!!!! And get to know me as a person while you're at it!!

They weren't all like that, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that that was one of my issues with them. Another problem was that I was only able to get to one.... maybe 2 meetings a week, and I was being judged by that. Yes, that made it harder to meet other women, but the women I DID meet didn't really seem to want to talk to me. I swear I tried!!

Hey Paulie!! It's great to hear from you too!! And believe me, I am going to try my @ss off this time!! I can't live like this anymore!!

Hey Time2Surrender!! It's good to see you too!! I've been thinking about NA lately, but I don't know. What I DO know is that I can't remember the last time I went to a meeting clean!! IF I ever go back, I WILL go to that meeting clean. Right now, I'm going to start by going to the outpatient rehab. I have a feeling that they'll probably suggest going. I don't know though. Last night, I was talking to my sister. She told my there was a rumor going around the rooms about my brother-in-law, who hasn't been in the program longer than I've been out of it!!!! I thought it was kind of funny, but it was a little annoying too. I told her if I knew that, I WOULD have gone to my ex-home group this past Friday night!! Which was funny, because I was actually thinking about it for the first time in a long time. I wasn't thinking about going, but I remembered it was my home group. Even if I HAD wanted to go, this is SUCH a busy time of year at work, we are so short handed, and I have problems with my feet & legs. You'd never know it by looking at me, but I am in severe pain all the time. Once I get home, I need to off of my feet. The pain does NOT go away, but I just need to sit!! I know I managed to get through it before and go to my home group. I don't know. I just don't want to go back. Yes, I miss the people.

I wonder if anyboday even noticed that I no longer go to NA???????? Nobody ever called me, not even my sponsor. Maybe that will help shed a little light on my unwillingness to go back??

Hey PepsiFreek!! I doesn't matter that your DOC is alcohol. Addiction is addiction.... we're all the same. You hit the nail on the head by saying to remember what I did to myself. That's why most of the time I don't cover up the big red mark on the bridge of my nose from when I fell. As much as I want it to go away, a part of me doesn't want it to go away. I want to see it and remember what I'm doing to myself, see what I've become. Then maybe, just maybe, I won't try to trick another doctor into getting more pills.

Laurie, I love you for being a pushy b*tch, even though you're not, lol!!

And Jerome, I will call her, hopefully soon!!

[Time2Surrender]

Broken Spirit.I am glad you keep coming back.I can so relate to what you are saying.I live in a fairly small community out of Portland,Oregon.Most of these people have known each other all their lives.I am not from here.When I first enetered the rooms of AA and NA around here I felt just like you are describing.Didnt fit in,the third wheel.etc.Guess what?It was all in my mind.It was all me.Today I love these people.I hang with them everyday.You can have all the same things.Its up to you.Start going to your meetings again first.And CALL YOUR SPONSOR! Call her today.This is your life we are talking about here.Also,just be yourself,come to meetings early,stay late.Help set up and clean up.Go out for coffee and stuff after meetings with the other members.And keep coming back here.It looks like a lot of people in here care about you.I bet all those people at your meetings would also be happy to see you again.Like maybe tonight?Call Namommy if you can.

[namommy]

Hey Spirit.

I know it seems to you like you are the third wheel, but like T2S said, it is all in your head. You may feel a little awkward at first, because most of the time people tend to talk about the things they have in common or about past experiences together, and you don't have those things yet. Remember, they all started with day 1 just like you. They weren't just thrown on the face of the earth with common memories. The relationships had to be built. The best way to do that is to get involved, and hang around with people for a while. Even if it is just to listen. The best way I know of getting ANY addict into an intense conversation is to ask them questions about their experience with the steps or traditions. We ALL love to give our experience on what works for us. (it's an ego thing, ya know).

CALL ME!!

[Imagine]

Spirit; It sounds to me that you are alittle shy. When I first came in the rooms I was shy and did not talk, and very few people tried to talk too me. However; When I became truly broken enough and gave this program my all, it was the same few people that was still there to show me the way in. If all you can do is one or two meetings a week that fine, and if that meeting's as bad as you say (which I find hard to believe) find another meeting. Start out asking another woman to be your temporary sponsor, and tell those that wants to gossip about your sister & brother-in-law, "If you're so concern call them, here is their #." It's your recovery that is your concern!! And I'm holding you to your promise to call Laurie. Love you girl, and Peace.

[BrokenSpirit]

Well, the problem as far as calling my sponsor is that I don't have one. Mine gave up on me a LONG time ago. I THOUGHT she was my friend, but I was wrong. Yes, I totally understand the fact that she didn't want to sponsor me anymore because I was using. I was NOT happy with the way she just stopped all contact with me.... she pretty much didn't have the balls to tell me that on her own. She hinted around at it, but she never finalized anything. Plus, when we DID have a sponsor/sponsee relationship, whenever I told her I was finished with one of my writing assignments, it took us forever to get together. That would not have bothered me, but every time I spoke to her, she was getting together with another sponsee of hers to go over HER writing.

I know you & your sponsor do not have to be friends, but I thought we were. We were friends way before I asked her to be my sponsor. I used to hang out with her & some other women after the meeting. She was one of only a few women in my home group. After a while, all the women left my home group. I was the only one left, so I was always hanging out with the guys after the meeting. One more woman joined, and I do not get along with her very well.

And don't get me wrong, I really DO love these people.... well, a lot of them anyway. And I ALWAYS went out with them after the meeting, even though I had to get up early for work the next day. T2S, you said they'd probably be happy to see me. That might be true, but like I said before, unless I show up again, I can't help but wonder if they've even noticed I'm not there??

I totally understand what you're saying, Laurie. The one thing I had going in my favor was that I knew some of these people already because of my sister & brother-in-law. None of the people we were REALLY close to are in the program anymore, except for one, but it helped. And when the others found out who I was, they came up to me. Plus, my sister took me to my first few meetings, so that helped too. People DO talk to me, but in my home group especially, the guys are extremely tight. One guy (you know him Laurie) pointed out to me that I am in the wrong home group. BUT.... I LOVE that home group. It's a lot of fun. Even though the guys are tight, I loved it there. But there are no women & the one that IS there, I'm not real fond of.

It all started when I was threatened by a member of the program who has some mental health issues. She can be really scary. This happened on my very first night
ever of chairing. As you pointed out Jerome, I AM shy. And talking in front of people TERRIFIES me, even though I'm getting better at that. So this girl left a threatining message on my cell phone. My sponsor at the time told me to play it for my home group members. I thought they'd laugh at me. They didn't. They would not leave my side for one second that night, and one of them freaked out on me when I went to the bathroom by myself. And to think I was ready to turn around & go home!! I was terrified she'd come in with a gun or something. Of course she came in & sat down right in front of me & stared at me the entire night. So after the meeting the guys came up to me & asked me to come out to the diner with them. That night, as miserable as it could have been, made me so happy, I wanted to cry. Nobody has ever cared about me like that before, and I love them all for it. After that night, I went out with them every week.

I still feel like a third wheel. When we have our break, I go outside & have nobody to talk to. I hate that!! So I try to look like I don't care, lol.

And Jerome, finding a sponsor, even a temporary one, is a problem for me. I can't think of anyone around here who I'd want. I was very happy with my old sponsor until the end. And then there's the problem of who will sponsor me if I will only go to one meeting a week?? And that's a big if right now. I'm still not going back. Not yet anyway.

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by namommy

Hey Spirit. CALL ME!!

That is your answer right there Spirit. She has offered and offered, pick up the phone and call her.

I am an addict, I can makes excuses all day long, and can spend my life looking at the differences, not the similarities, that all comes naturally to me. Understanding that people care about me, that does not come naturally to me.

Along with my addiction comes codependency, this is me I am not speaking for anyone else. Recently I was approached by 2 newcomers asking me to sponsor them. I said yes, and gave each women my numbers and said to call so we can pick a time to meet. The first one called right away and we set a time. She called and cancelled that day saying she was ill, I have not heard back. I have gone to meetings that I know she goes to but have not seen her. The other called once, I was at a family party (she called on my cell) I asked her to call the next day, she has not called. I have gone to meetings where I know she goes, but have not seen her.

I can put myself out there, and yes I can call others when I think they need me. but I cannot chase down someone that does not want my help. There is a difference and for this addict/codie it is a fine line that I have to walk carefully.

you told us about a few times where NA members have been there to support you but then you say you have no friends. They are there for you, but you have to reach out. Like I have told you before, it has to come from you.

Just ask a woman to sponsor you. Pick up that phone today and call NAmommy, there is your opportunity, you two are close and she is opening her arms to you.

[Imagine]

Spirit, you have felt Love thru NA, and that girl that gave you the hard time when you chaired the meeting for your first time---Well she is attending NA meetings because she's sick just like I am and anyone who goes to a 12 step meeting. I know you can make a meeting a week, and I know they have got to be a women's meeting somewhere near you. namommy is willing to hold your hand thru this, call her tonight. If she's not at home, leave a message where she can call you back. I'm outside of Atlanta, and I can pick up a phone and find any kind of meeting I'm looking for, also get a sponsor list of people with clean time and or willing to be temporary sponsors on-line or over the phone until you find a full time sponsor. So now you have 3 things to do, find a womens meeting, a temporary sponsor, and call namommy. Start with the phone call.

[BrokenSpirit]

Yes, I do plan to call her. I've asked already when is a good time to talk and usually Sunday would have been perfect for me, but we had our Thanksgiving dinner then (long story), but I WILL call. I have a tendency to chicken out. Not that I'm afraid to talk.... maybe I'm afraid of getting close to someone and being let down again?? I don't know what it is. But Laurie's been so great to me, so have all of you!! I DO want to call her!!

Paulie, I can identify with those newcomers!! I don't disappear, but I am THE queen of excuses!! I don't know why I do it either. What's the point of putting off the inevitable?? What I mean is, if I'm going to get together with my sponsor, why keep putting it off?? If I REALLY want her help, why keep hiding from her?? But then again, I held onto the attitude that SHE should call ME. SHE should KNOW when I needed her. What's that about??

One thing I think I AM justified at being pissed off about is when she would call me when she never had time to talk. If it only happened once in a while, I understand, but this happened a little TOO much. I felt like I didn't matter, you know??

You mentioned how I need to reach out to people. I DO try, but I guess I don't know how to reach out to people. Whenever I'd share, I remember begging people to help me. One of my ex home group members describes himself as a social retard. Everybody laughs when he says that, and most people see it as true, even though he has some good friends. I guess I see myself that way too, minus the good friends.

Jerome, I never thought of a woman's meeting. I'm not sure about that one. And I don't even know why!! I WILL do at least one of the things on your list, and that is to call Laurie, but not tonight. I will wait until it's a good time to call her. She told me when it was okay, so hopefully we'll be able to talk. I hope I get to meet her.... she seems like a great person!!

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by BrokenSpirit

One thing I think I AM justified at being pissed off about is when she would call me when she never had time to talk. If it only happened once in a while, I understand, but this happened a little TOO much. I felt like I didn't matter, you know??

So how is that working for you? being pissed off, having a resentment, does not hurt the person, it hurts us.

Trust me I am good at excuses too, I am an addict, that is what I do .

So no more excuses, you said you can do a meeting 1 day a week, do it. Ask a woman at the next meeting to sponsor you. Don't think about the difference between her and you. Your head is telling you have to friends...what about the people that protected you at that meeting that night? friends, I think so.

Call laurie, heck I wish I lived close to her I would call her myself .

You and only you can do this. The attitude of 'she should call me' or 'she couldn't talk when I wanted her to talk' that is ego. I have it to, believe me. My sponsor has 3 other sponsees besides me. She owns her own business that is 30 minutes from me in another town, she does most of her meetings in that town after work with her other sponsees, she sees them way more than she sees me. At first I resented her for that, than I realized that was my ego talking. We all do what we can do, some days more than others.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and just for today, dont' use and reach out to someone in recovery.

[Gooch]

I dunno about anyone else but I can put some impossible expectations on myself and others. My friends and family shoud have ESP..they should know when I am hurting or in a bad mood. They shoud know to call me because I haven't called them in a while and whats wrong wit them anyway that they just think maybe I've been too busy to call? Why don't I know when they are hurting and call them?

Because we are human and misunderstand and misinterpret things.

It is possible to discover trust, friendship, and other wonderful things about people if I am willing to risk being human and allowing others to be be human as well. And many times that means some hurt feelings along the way. Thats whats so great about the steps. They give us tools to use when we do wrong to correct the harm we do and learn how to avoid it the next time. ( or when we are slow learners the time after that.)

We've got to make an effort or we stagnate and wallow.

Grab the phone, dial the number!