want to return to NA but worried about being judged

[ouch]

hey guys,

i've been reading my na lit. all day today and thinking about starting on a program, but i feel ashamed that i failed both of the times i tried before and i'm scared to go back. i feel like i really let my sponsor down-- am i imagining this??? maybe she never expected me to do well to begin with? i don't know. but this is day 2 for me, i don't have the desire to drink or use thank god, i've been busy on this site and with family and school. thank god i still have my family, i don't know what i would do without them. i would probably be on the streets or dead. but anyway, the last time i went to an na meeting was with this guy i was seeing (also an addict) and we just went there for a second because he wanted to collect money from a guy who owed him so we could buy some kind of drug, i can't remember what. !!! and, of course, everybody knew that was what we were doing. i feel really bad. i feel like if i go back i won't be accepted, or like i shouldn't be accepted, anyway.

but this time around reading the literature wasn't like "doing what i'm supposed to do"-- i really connected with the hope it inspires. i really think and feel like i can change, like i'm ready to. i'm almost 23 and, while behind most other 23 year old's, i'm a whole lot more mature than i was last year when i was constantly loaded on something or other, or combinations of somethings and others, and i was so lazy and disorganized that i never did laundry or dishes or cleaned the house or paid bills. and a lot of my guilt over being an addict- alcoholic is gone, because i feel i can redeem myself by recovering, which is a whole lot harder to do than never becoming an addict in the first place. so anyway, that's my deal.

thanks for listening.

[Gooch]

Congratulations on day 2!

In the text it says to the effect that we try not to judge, stereotype, or moralize with each other.....

Some of us aren't all there yet. We judge ourselves hardest of all.

When I screw up it only makes it harder for me to forgive myself and move on if someone starts beating me up.

Sometimes i'm so thin skinned that I feel like everyone is picking on me even when they are only trying to offer me suggestions.

I recently have had a good friend change his clean date. It must have been difficult for him to decide to tell me about it. Maybe he felt as though I would lose respect for him or maybe not want to be his friend anymore. The 3 things I admire most in my friends are honesty, integrity, and courage. He has all 3.

So do you.

Take the best .. leave the rest.

I'm grateful you are here sharing about reading the literature and relating to it .

I hope you will reconcile that the program Narcotics Anonymous accepts you and that the fellowship (members) are trying to accept themsleves and others just as you are struggling with feeling like you shouldn't be accepted. Just keep coming back to meetings and we'll continue to work on this acceptance thing. If you have the desire to stop using then you have filled the requirement for membership. I/we/you have no choice but to accept you.

It's one thing to fall . you have gotten up and are willing to walk.

[Beloved]

:bravo WELCOME BACK! you can never please everybody , and at this point it's not what we think about you but how you see and , what you think about yourself. self acceptance will play an important part in your recovery. relapse is not apart of the program , but it does happen . that could aid in your more rigorous application of the steps you are not a failure , and your success begins only when you are willing to learn how to live a new way of life thru applying the steps . make meetings get a sponsor , phone numbers and call them . ask your God to give you the courage to stick and stay. let them talk it's better that 12 or more talk about you then to have had 6 of them closed mouths (PALLBEARERS) carrying you to your grave , everybody don't make it back honey . So you go in boldly and tell on the disease of addiction because it has already told on you. HERE'S A HUG ! KEEP COMIN BACK. in the end know that staying clean must come first , we don't use no matter what . accept it for what it is and get out of the problem into the solution. just for today you never ever have to use again one day at a time. it won't be easy , but it's worth it. trust the process , and stay on the journey know that your goals are much greater than your struggles when we stand in the circle and pray for the still suffering addict we were also praying for you . so don't give-up , and don't you quit because God is not thru with you yet. (Beloved)

[namommy]

Ouch,

Congrats on day 2.

I have experienced relapsing in the program. I came in and out of the rooms for 3 years. What I found was people didn't judge or shun me, they let me know that they were happy I was trying again. People let me know that they missed me and were glad to see me again.

That's what we mean when we say "Keep Coming Back". We would rather see you back in the rooms, then run into you on the streets.

[Shakur T.]

ouch, welcome back. :hello2

I, too, had multiple relapses/attempts at staying clean. Today I have multiple years of recovery!

"Those who judge, don't matter and those who matter, don't judge."

It's just the disease trying to keep you from the help you need/want. The disease wants to keep us seperate from the theraputic value of one addict helping another. It will use anything, even your own thinking, to accomplish this task. Once we're seperated from our help (other recovering addicts) we fall victim to diseased thinking so, using becomes easier then facing the reality of our situation.

What makes you think that other addicts have not done what you have? The answer is YOUR DISEASE. You are not unique in the sense that you are the only addict whose ever used after coming to meetings. Shoot, I stole the 7th tradition $$ when it came to the back of the room to get high. I stood outside of meetings bumming change to use. So, don't feel that you can't come back. Many of us came back...

If you have a basic text, read Chapter 7 - Recovery and Relapse
it states:
"If we relapse we may feel guilt and embarrassment. Our relapse is embarrassing, but we cannot save our face and our a$$ at the same time. we find that it is best to get back on the program as soon as possible. It is better to swallow our pride than to die or go permanently insane."

peace and keep coming back, we did.

[ohsotired]

hi ouch- i agree with everyone here. i have been coming around for a year, and i am still in my 90 days. there are some people in the rooms that roll thier eyes at me and mutter "here she is again" under thier breath when i enter the room, but there are others- in my experience, other relapsers mostly, that are nothing but supportive and loving and kind, and really know how hard it is to keep coming back. to the scoffers, i say what my sponsor tells me, "I am here for me. these are my meetings. i need these meetings just as much as someone who got it the first time around, if not a little more." i strongly agree with what gooch had said:

I hope you will reconcile that the program Narcotics Anonymous accepts you and that the fellowship (members) are trying to accept themsleves and others just as you are struggling with feeling like you shouldn't be accepted. Just keep coming back to meetings and we'll continue to work on this acceptance thing. If you have the desire to stop using then you have filled the requirement for membership. I/we/you have no choice but to accept you.

thanks for listening (reading)

an addict named nicole

[godsonmyside]

The shame is not in the relapse, the shame is in not coming back. Although the relapse is embarrissing, those feelings you feel right now will pass. When you walk back through those doors and another addict tell gives you a hug and says welcome back.
Todd J.

[ouch]

thank you all so much! i don't know where to begin-- i'm just thankful for the support. godonmyside, you are right when you say that "the shame lies not in relapsing but in not coming back"-- and ohsotired, i had a similar experience the first time i came into the rooms ... i would get nearly ninety days, then relapse, and then i couldn't get my feet underneath me and kept using while still coming to meetings. finally, i just quit coming to meetings. i think the reason i had such a hard time working the program was that i was quitting for my family, not because i wanted to quit. i just wanted to make enough effort to make them happy, but wasn't really ready. now it's different-- i could use if i wanted to, but i genuinely don't want to.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!

[cj.]

Welcome ouch:

Don't let your fear of what others say stop you from doing what is probably the kindest thing you will ever do for yourself!

cj

[thanx2methodone]

Walk in there Ouch and hold your head up high!!
No one there is better then you, and no one in there is perfect!!
You all have something in common: wanting RECOVERY
Everyone is in the saome boat--that's why you're there.
Just going there will make you feel good about yourself, and that's what matters.
So---go there and hold your head high my friend!!!
You will be respected just for making the choice of walking through those doors!!

Please let us know how you are doing. You are in my prayers!! STAY STRONG!!!

[msc1963007]

Dont worry about what they think. thats mostlikly the drugs thinking, AT NA people care about you , If you want to be clean just do it. You are welcom as many times as it takes , ask your H.p. For help I have been a addict for 25 years and I have 103 days. If I can you can Dont give up. Every day you will feal stronger and stronger. If it dont feel right where your at go to another place , most likly it will be fine everybody makes mistakes. Praying Helped me alot, TRY it you might like it just giveit time, Iwill Pray for you tonight. Write me any time and I will tell you a little more about my recovery, OH my wife is still useing, Iam still clean ,,,,,,


GOD BLESS Mike C