Was this a mistake?

[Brenshay]

Hi Everyone,

When I go to NA meetings, there is always a young boy there about 18 or 19. People who didn't know would probably label him as a punk by the way he looks and dresses. I was always impressed with him because he always showed up, shared with the group, had a sponsor, hosted (chaired) meetings, etc. I admired the fact that he seemed to have it so together at such a young age, having learned things that it takes most of us many years to learn.

Anyway, the other night at a meeting he shared that he was not really doing well. He felt like a waste. He had stopped calling his sponsor. He had the shakes. He could not sleep. He hasn't been going to meetings. He said he could see where he was headed--right down the drain. He asked if people would just keep an eye out for him.

Listening to this poor kid talk really broke my heart. After the meeting, he was putting things away off by himself, and I went over to him and said, "I have to tell you something." I basically told him all the positive things about him that I wrote in the first paragraph here. I told him to just know there are people out there who did not think he was a waste and to just hang in there. He did not say anything but just hugged me. Then he asked if I was coming to the Thanksgiving night meeting. I said probably not because of family obligations. He said I should bring them along.

Later on I wondered if he had just been asking about the next meeting to be polite or if he was looking for some support. Not sure, I called my sponsor and told her the story. She had been at the meeting that night and heard him speak about how badly he was doing. She told me, "Let the men in the group worry about him and you just concentrate on yourself." I was kind of surprised because we always talk about addicts helping each other. I told her I was not looking to become tangled in this kid's life or to become some kind of mother figure to him. I was just worried he would show up on Thanksgiving and nobody would be there. She was pretty insistent that I not concern myself with that. She said there's hardly anything you can do with the young kids anyway.

So did I make a big blunder by reaching out to this kid and lending some support? I felt good about it after I did it, but now I don't feel so good about it anymore, especially if it was not appropriate. Could you guys please give me some advice on this? I want to make sure I do the right thing. Thanks.

[jenniferaz1980]

Branshay,

I can only speak for myself. But I have some men in my support group and I dont see anything wrong with that. I have a women sponsor and women in my support group. But there are some men who is close to me that give me somthing in my recovery that the women can not.

If I see a male at a meeting and no one is approching them, I will. I belive that every addict need somone. And if I can reach out to them and that might cause them to feel a little better. I dont see anything wrong with it.

[Lompocian]

I see nothing wrong with what you did - reaching out to someone who was asking for the fellowship to keep an eye on him. I would have done the same thing. The words you told him might just be the words that he will replay in his mind at a low point.

Thank you for reaching out to a fellow addict; afterall, we can't keep what we have without giving it away.

Our disease doesn't know how old we are - I sure hope other members don't think that just because a poor guy might be too young to shave, he can't be teachable.

[GettingFree]

Hi Brenshay,

Reaching out and offering compassion can rarely be wrong. The exception of course is if you’re doing it for co-dependent reasons, ie. helping/rescuing others as a way of avoiding your own issues or as a way to fill up the self-esteem bucket. Or if you’re being intrusive and disrespectful of the other.

You may want to think about what constitutes healthy boundaries for yourself in this situation. Also, what constitutes respecting the boundaries of others. There is a lot of information on establishing healthy boundaries on the net. Do a quick google search and you’ll turn up a lot of info that may give you some ways to look at this.

How are you doing otherwise?

[namommy]

Brenshay,

I think you absolutely did the right thing. We ALL reach out to each other. This disease does not discriminate. It knows no boundaries "...regardless of age, race, creed, sexual identity, religion, or lack of religion..." (I don't think I put that in the right order, but you get the drift). I reach out to everyone, regardless. I have men in my support group, and I reach out to men when needed.

I reached out to a man at my homegroup last night. He just wasn't his normal happy self, and I approached him after and asked if he was OK. That sent him off in a stream of concerns about his teenage daughter, and he knew I had experienced alot with my girls. He appreciated the opening to talk about it.

We trust in our sponsors, we respect them, but we don't always have to agree with them. In recovery, we learn how to disagree without being disagreeable.

[KelKel]

Brenshay...

You did the right thing !

I was told to get a female sponsor and to watch out for13-steppers when I first came into the rooms. I understand the point they are trying to make but I have to be honest about who and what I am... an addict.
I have always had male and female friends. I have a temporary sponsor who is a male and could not feel better about my choice. It is via the internet.
The other day a woman at a meeting seemed very annoyed that I had a male sponsor and informed me that I should find a female sponsor... oh well.

As human's being human, we should reach out to others, I am sure that you provided comfort for that young man that he desperately needed.

[Gooch]

You may have made the difference in that kid's life.

The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel...


THey didn't say one male addict helping another male addict or one biker addict helping another biker addict, or one used car salesman addict helping another used car salesman addict.

Ptobably took my sponsor 20 times to realize tat when I said I met a nice lady at a meeting, he didn't have to worry about me diving headfirst into a relationship necessarily.

Doesn't hurt to be questioned or alerted to what might be our underlying motives.


Maybe your sponsor had forgotten that NA doesn't discriminate based on age, race, sex, creed, religion, or lack thereof..

I heard an 18 year old fellow at a meeting sharing about how sick he was of having older recovering addicts keep telling him that it was so nice to see such a young person who was getting it, how they wished they had gotten into recovery at a younger age, etc. He said that he kept wondering if maybe he didn't have one or two more good runs left. Is it possible that we could drive a younger addict away by telling them that they are somehow different, luckier, or smarter faster, than we are?

Pray for God's will and follow your heat.

[Brenshay]

>>>How are you doing otherwise?

GF, I'm doing pretty good. I still have my anxious times in the afternoons where I feel overwhelmed, but I try to be still and let them pass and not force myself to jump into anything. It may make for a messier house and less work done, but I think it's better for my mental health.

Thanks to you all for your responses regarding this post. I basically went with my heart on talking to this boy the other night rather than anything else. I just felt so bad for him when listening to him share, and then even worse when he was standing there all by himself. I can definitely understand the point made about kids who don't like to be told by older people (hey-I'm only 36-ha ha) how lucky they are or how they wished they could have been like them at their age. Of course, I didn't think about that at the time.

I do think it's wise to keep a healthy boundary in these types of situations. Like I said before, I don't want to be this kid's mother or try to save him all by myself. It just seemed like a situation where I might be able to lend a little bit of support, so I did. In a way, sharing during NA meetings is kind of a strange thing, because people you don't really know (at least at first) are telling very private and intimate things about themselves. So my first inkling the next time I see them would be to say, "Oh, how are things going with the divorce?" or whatever that person's issue happens to be. Then I have to remind myself that I don't really know these people and I need to back off. It's like you know them but you don't.

Since it's Thanksgiving today, I want to wish you all the very best and hope you all have a wonderful day. I have felt blessed to be in your company, and this group is one of the things I'm most thankful for. :ilgram

P.S. I have 3 weeks clean today (yay).

[namommy]

Congrats on 3 weeks clean!!! woo hoo!!!

If you were to approach me the week after I shared something intimate and ask me how things were going, I would much appreciate it. Then I would know that at least 1 person cared enough to listen and to remember. We all know each other more than any of us realize.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by Brenshay

it may make for a messier house and less work done, but I think it's better for my mental health.

Letting go of the externally imposed values has been critical to me and helped me make healthy choices. Long and short term. And you know what? Instead of writing this reply to you right now, I could be cleaning. My sister and brother in law are coming in from out of town tomorrow for one night and I used to push myself through a marathon session of cleaning before one of her visits. I needed to live up to a standard and present that standard to her. But the last couple of visits I've said "f** it". I am what I am. I'm not the world's tidiest person. I have limited free time, and there are other things I'd rather spend my time on that will make me feel provide me with what I need during this time.

Well..I'll still do some tidying (not entirely free i guess!), but nothing like I used to. And I know I'm so much healthier, happier for it.

Congratulations on 3 weeks. That's outstanding!

[KelKel]

Congratulations on 3 weeks Brenshay.....

[godsonmyside]

Caring and Sharing is a wonderful SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLE, empathy is the foundation of NA.
Todd J. :hello2

[namommy]

As GettingFree said,
I should be folding laundry right now, I have it piled up on the chairs in my livingroom, but I am just WOUND UP a little too tight today, so I came here to read, post and let off some steam.

It will get done eventually.