Need help starting 8th Step—so ashamed!

[eddie z.]

I've pretty much plowed through my Steps up to this point, but now I think I'm stuck. I like where I am, having recently done a 7th Step. And Steps 8 & 9 really scare me. Mostly it's professional issues that are the problem. I'm so ashamed of my dishonest behavior at work that I can't bear the idea of facing my former colleagues. I know this is pride and I'm supposed to be humble at this point, but I can't seem to get past it enough to even start reading the literature on Step 8.

I think about people I worked with, whom I liked and respected, and who I believe liked and respected me, and I think about the double life I was living, stealing out from under their noses, using on the job, etc. I have so much fear here. And I hope to be going back to work someday, so I'm bound to see some of them in addition to those I'll have to see during my 9th Step. What am I afraid of?

Any PERSONAL experience would be much appreciated.
Love and hugs, Eddie

[Gooch]

How I deal with the shame while writing the list is to remember that I am in a sense 2 different people sharing the same Gooch. Today I am someone who can feel the harm I do and don't wantto do anymore. When I caused that harm and mistreated those people on my list I was so screwed up emotionally that I was out of touch with the conscious contact that guides me today. In my head I often knew what I was doing was wrong, but the dope helped me disconnect from my heart, so I could do it anyway, thinking that I ould discard the implications of my actions, justifying it with the sabotage of I'm just a waste anyway might as well act like it.

On one level I'm afraid that they won't accept my ammends. The text says that we make the ammends for ourselves and successful amend making isn't based on the acceptance of others.

On a deeper level I'm afraid that I cannot accept my ammends as being good enough..

I'm struggling with this one today after popping off with a spiteful mean mouth this weekend.

[servicejunkie]

Most people get stuck on the 8th and 9th steps. I did, and the two sponsees I've had so far who have gotten to that step have also been stuck big time!!! Quit projecting about the future eddie!!! All you are supposed to be doing at this point is making a list, right??? Just KISS, and worry making the ammends when your sponsor says its time to make them. I know that humility is definately a must in order to make the ammends, but you may also be worrying about ammends that you don't even have to make!! Remember, you are only making a list first, THEN you become willing after you make the list. Humility is how I deal with writing the list. If I can accept the that we are all only human and we make mistakes. Most people are very receptive and truly respect the kind of honesty, courage, integrity, faith, trust, humility, discipline, ext.. it takes to make an ammends when you approach them. I have found that in the process of making the list, most people become willing. Love & Respect, Mike

[Moontime]

Eddie, 8th step, just making a list. Having the prior 7 steps in your life, and having turned over your will, the time will be right when you make your amends in step 9, it will be god's time. Im doing step 9 right now and it's not a great feeling. But, I have to get right with the others I have harmed.

[namommy]

Eddie,

Like Mike said, just make your list. Stop projecting. Just like when we write our 4th step as if there were no 5th step, write your 8th step list as if there were no 9th step. Just make the list and the rest will come. I welcomed step 8 and 9. They were wonderfully freeing.

[eddie z.]

How I deal with the shame while writing the list is to remember that I am in a sense 2 different people sharing the same Gooch.

Yeah, this will probably be a helpful way to think about it. Thanks, Gooch! It reminds me of when I recently saw a friend I had not seen in some time and I asked if he'd seen me since I was "new and improved."

If I can accept the that we are all only human and we make mistakes.

Thanks, Mike! I don't believe we've met. Greetings! Yes, I need to remember that what I DO is not always who I AM.

the time will be right when you make your amends in step 9, it will be god's time.

Hey, Jay! And thank you, too. I think I'm probably more worried about facing my colleagues in general than I am just about making amends, know what I mean?

Just make the list and the rest will come.

And thank you, Laurie! That's what I like to call the "Nike approach"—Just Do It!

Thank you all so much for this feedback! It's good to be back on the NA board. Maybe this shame thing is something I need to take to my Caduceus meeting, though. That's a 12-Step meeting for healthcare professionals. Too bad we're not meeting this week 'cause of Thanksgiving.

Well, I have a presentation to prepare for, so I have to run. Take much care, all!
Love and s, Eddie

[godsonmyside]

Like what has been said here, it's a list!! My only thing that when step 9 is cocerned is that I AM NOT OTHERS, I still make amend. When possible I make direct amends,and when not I still make the amends.
The list though is just a list, and I need to write it regardless of what the 9th will bring, It doesn't really have to do with me, It has to do with those I've harmed, My willingness to make those amends. It is a stumping step, but we can do it.
Todd J.

[eddie z.]

Todd,
Thanks for the tips! But I heard to include myself among the "others" in Step 9. In other words, don't make any amends in which I might be harmed. Maybe I misunderstood something. I think it's not so much the Steps that are stumping me as it is the prospect of going back among my fellow professionals and colleagues that's scaring me. Although I haven't had any negative encounters thus far...

Thanks again, Todd. Good to hear from you!
Love and hugs, Eddie

[jazpoppy]

Eddie;

From what I can tell you are a very compasionate(sp) person with a big heart. I am not even close to where you are in recovery. Even thinking about making amends makes me nervous too, but I believe this is something that you cannot just "Plow" through. It may take you years to finish (not to be pesimistic) but you will finish and feel like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You just have do it in your's and gods time.

Luv and Hugs;

Jocelyn

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by jazpoppy

From what I can tell you are a very compasionate(sp) person with a big heart.

What? You say I have an enlarged heart? Just being silly. But seriously, thanks, Jocelyn! I need all the encouragement I can get.
Love and hugs as always,
Eddie

[jazpoppy]

U Go Girl!!! :woo

[eddie z.]

:enough , I know! I need to get crackin' (so to speak).
Maybe after Christmas...
< Not how one makes amends, right?
:hoo Trying to get psyched up. Thanks for the assist, Jocelyn!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Hadenuff]

Hi eddie
The coolest thing for me about when I did my 9th step was many of the people told me the good I have given as being part of their lives far out weighed the bad.
making amends means not doing the same behavior again. And we have to make amends to ourselves to.
I found the 8 and 9 step to be the most freeing for me.
And some people I will never be able to make direct amends to so living my life clean and being the best person I can be is making amends to them in a way.
H

[eddie z.]

Thank you, Hadenuff! That's very comforting. I always ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen and how likely is that?" Well, the worst would have been going to prison probably and I've escaped that, so I may as well get on with it! No pain, no gain, right?
Love and hugs, Eddie