I always seem to set them up to fail

[Timebuster]

Hi all

I have been working on my 4th Step. Doing my 4th I have discovered many issues that I will work through and I will leave no stone unturned. I have a hell a fire sponsor. The man has 14 years of recovery. He been god sent. When I started looking for a sponsor and since NA is not new to me I knew exactly what I was looking for. So not to get in to detail this man has a lot of concept. He is a old timer from the old school. This past Saturday me and my sponsor went through my 4th step work sheets. I discovered that I have a very serious problem with relationships. I always seem to set them up to fail. So I went deeper into my past relationships and discovered that I was choosing women that reminded me of my first love of my life. At the age of 18 she broke up with me and it totally crush me. But to this day I still don’t know the reason she broke up with me. But I do know that after the breakup I was not the same person. I swear to never ever open my heart to any one ever again. There was such a hole in my heart I just felt empty inside. I do remember that when I drank alcohol I seem to forget the pain and it also field the emptiness that I felt inside. The more I drank the more I forgot. Instead of living in the past alcohol made me feel I was living in the now. I never had closer with my first love and now I was becoming an alcoholic and drug addict. Years went by and I could never forget my first love. I would see her face in other woman I would have vivid dreams with her I would fantasized of getting back with her. And through all this I just drank and drank to forget. It was 3 years of drinking before I got into another relationship and every relationship there after was going to pay for the hurt of my first love. Consciously I did not know I was doing this. I was a very angry and resentful alcoholic that never let go of the past and every one was going to pay. Now that I look back at all the relationships it all makes since. They all had blue eyes blonde hair and petite and they almost had the same features. So what did I uncover. When I could not capture the same feelings that I had with my first love in other relationships I would set them up to fail again and again.
Unconsciously yes but it happen. See 31 years ago I made a conscious decision to never love again the problem with that is I closed my heart to life and I also stop loving me. Now the picture gets clearer. I love the women in my life but I was never in love with them. I was so much in denial. And alcohol and drugs just kept the lie going. I hurt a lot of good people in my life because of my sickness

Thanks for listening and being part of my 4th Step. Today I have 6 months and 5 days clean and sober and I will continue growing one day at a time.

Thanks Sober Recovery for being part of my life

God Bless
Timebuster

[namommy]

TB,

Congrats on 6 months and 5 days.

Thank you for sharing that with us. I am sure most of us have similar situations that come up in our 4th step. You shared that all the women you were with had something in common. On my 4th step, I discovered that all the men I had been with had something in common too. They all had been with the same B*tch. ME.

[godsonmyside]

That fear of rejection is very common with us addicts. When we felt that someone would find out about our secret of being hurt or that what we are looking for in someone else isn't what we wanted, we would jet and kill ourselves some more.
I'm really glad that you opened up and did the 4th step, it helps us get intouch to see were we went of track, good luck with the next one, letting God in and understanding that letting this all out in the 5th step with God and your sponsor (another human being), gets it out even more where we find that we have seperated ourselves and these defects are in fact keeping us off track, and step 6 we become ready to have them removed.
Thanks, Todd

[In memory of miracle]

((( TimeBuster )))

[Timebuster]

Hi Trish

How are you doing. Me i been very busy with life. Hope all is well with you.

God Bless
Timebuster

[In memory of miracle]

(( TB )) I am doing well thank-you ! Also very busy with school and AA ,I am loving life much of the time and very grateful to be sober today .Coming up on a year and I am blown away by it.Good to hear from you ,thanks for sharing your recovery with me ,Bless , Trish