lorcet-the devils drug HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!

[waiting2exhale]

Hi Im new here,but not new to recovery.I needed to vent to people who understand.See I went off lorcet10/650 in january of this year, painful but manageable.My doctor who knew of my addiction(I was honest) put me on ultram for my pain-said its not addictive.Well now i hear it is-in fact im so worked up over this that i went and got a script of lorcet 7.5 took em feel bad but i have taken 3 other scripts of 15 in the past 2-3months and a bottle of cough syrup with it in it. There I said it feels better to admit it.(crying)I didnt withdraw so to speak these few times ive taken it in the last 2-3 months.But im constantly thinking about it,and what ive done wrong.Im a liar,to myself and those around me ,I just want so bad to be well and feel normal.Even when Im not feeling like its a withdrawal I feel like im not right w/o lorcet,ultram,something anything.See these drugs speed me up-Ilike that feeling too much.I feel like I need it to function in society normally.I look at people who dont use and Im like wow I wish I was them(had never used) could feel good on nothing.I know im a dope but I really do want to be better with all my being.I pray for GOD to help me with my struggle-maybe he gave up on me.I dont know.My boyfreind says Im weak-so I didnt tell him but about the ultram and one script of lorcet.Im a deciever as well.Where does it stop?My god i want to be better i just feel so weak.So lorcet is gone (im relieved) I actually feel an obligation to take it if I have it.Like dont let it go to waste.But then I am so relieved when its gone.See I used to take 7 10 milligarm tabs a day at my worst-- these times that I have gotten it(7.5)I purposely take it how its prescribed--its like I say well if I dont eat em all at once then its ok.Why do I do this? I must be crazy.I trough away my recovery cause i hear that ultram is addictive? and thats what he was giving me so why should I care? Normal people dont think like this.I ask myself why did this doctor give an admitted addict an addictive drug? why did I let him?I take responsbility for me but hello can we regulate these doctors who pass it out like candy?I knew what I was doing but he should have too hes a doctor trained to see these signs right?Are am I just going off? PLEASE reply some one quick! Peace and love to all those who struggle as I do.

[lonlion]

hi Waiting....You are not a dope, and God has not given up on you. You have a conscience, and that is why this bothers you. You are an addict like me, and we are powerless over our addiction. If you feel God has given up on you, and you are beating yourself up, then perhaps your communicating with him has suffered.
I would encourage to you have a deep conversation with God, he already knows your pain and concern. He will be there to give you the strength you don't have on your own right now. He loves you unconditionally, and wants the best for you. You are a fellow human being here and are just as deserving of happiness as the next guy.
When people come and go and disappoint us in our lives, God never will. He is there for the taking, all we need to do is reach out.
You are stronger than you think, and with God's help, the sky is the limit..(sorry for the pun)
My prayers go out to you, take care, and forgive yourself
Diana

[In memory of miracle]

Reading your post I get the sense that you are being way to hard on yourself.If you have learned something from it,it will be a valuable lesson and the start of a new life.Today is a new day,get into the solution.

[want2bfree]

Wow. It's so amazing to hear someone going through the exact same thing. I am the same way right now. I don't feel like I can function in society without Hydrocodone. I actually even plan events around whether or not I will have medicine to take. If I am running low or out..........I won't plan to do anything or go anywhere. I am trapped in this little world of mine. I too look at people and think......."i am so jealous! Why can't I be happy and laugh and enjoy life like them- without Hydro." It's gotten to the point where I want to quit........but I have tasted a two day withdrawl and i am SCARED STIFF!!!!! How can I explain to my husband and children that I can't function because I am going through drug withdrawl?????? They have no clue!!!! Although I feel connected with you, I wish it was in some other context! It's comforting in some distorted way though.....just to know I am not alone and I can say...."me too!!! I know how you feel!!!!

[Phinneas]

Getting honest with ourselves and our loved ones is the biggest step toward recovery. We are only as sick as our secrets and, if you are like me, that's pretty sick. We are addicts, which means we can never control our use. It only gets worse. It's better to go through the withdrawals (with medical help is easier) and get into a stong recovery plan. It's not your fault that you are an addict, but we can choose to use or choose to recover. That's being powerless (over use of drug), but not helpless (because we can not use and get help).

You're all in my prayers.

jojo

[Gooch]

I was given morphine IV right after an operation 3 1/2 years ago after an accident. I was telling the paramedics, the ER docs, and everybody involved I was a recovering addict and wanted to have a say in any administration of pain meds. My injuries were not life threatening so my surgery was scheduled nearly a week after the accident. Everything was going well until the night shift nurse came in and I was still groggy from the anesthesia. I remember her asking me if I was in pain and I said a little. She said she would get me something for it in a minute. She had even asked me what I had taped to the calf of my leg.( my anniversary coin) we had a discussion about Narcotics Anonymous and addiction and I told her I wanted to negotiate any pain meds. A few minutes later she told me my pain would be going away, and I asked her what she meant? What are you going to give me? She said morphine.. I allready gave it to you. I asked her how since I hadn't seen a hypo. I had forgotten that I would have an IV and was too groggy to know it.

When I woke up form that little nap I can tell you I was full of fear. I grabbed my Basic Text and started reading and started babbling to any nurse that came near me that I was in recovery and didn't want any drugs.

The answers are in the Text....

We are responsible for our recovery

No one else is.. not doctors, lawyers, ex wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, bosses, other members, or overworked underpaid or well meaning though ignorant nurses.

I was sent home from the hospital a few days later and hobbled to a meeting to let people know I had been given painkillers and ask for their prayers and calls. I didn't change my clean date over it, and I haven't felt the need to go manipulating a buzz.

I believe in my ability and desire to recover because it says in the message

that an addict any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use and learn a new way to live.

Just for today we never have to use gain.

[Phinneas]

Thanks for sharing that story, Gooch. One of my fears is what will happen if I get into a medical situation and am given narcotics. Since you didn't relapse, there's hope for me, too. Thanks,

jojo

[Shakur T.]

Originally Posted by waiting2exhale

Why do I do this? I must be crazy.

No not crazy or bad, just sick. We will manipulate anyone, justify and rationalize the most outragous behavior to get our needs met...

It's called addiction. You have a disease that can be arrested. You say you're not new to recovery, then you know that as long as you keep trying to control your using by yourself, you will continue in this vicious cycle.

A detox and treatment might help. If not, try reaching out to others face to face. Let somone help you who has been there. Talk and listen to others, pray, cry (it's ok), get help. You deserve a break...

[want2bfree]

Just checking back in with you Waiting2exhale. How are you doing? You can do this! Come back and talk to us. It has really helped me to stay focused. All these people are here to help and they are wonderful!!!! Take Care and don't under estimate your strength!!! Just thinking about ya- WANT2BFREE

[Dawn10]

Dear Waitingt2exhale,
Boy do I know those feelings. I have had every one of them, thought every thought you expressed and tried to stop on my own many, many times.
You are not weak, you are not "bad" you are just sick.
We all have this illness called addiction and it is so devious. It preys on our minds. Those who do not have it , do not understand. That is why your doctor, well meaning as he was, perscribed what he percived as a non addictive drug, ultram.
Have you tried NA? Please consider it. You will find there many who share your situation and can support you. If you can afford it, try a therapist, one who specializes in addictions. That was my best saving grace.
God knows what you are going through and he loves you just the same. He will never leave you or give up on you and neither will any of us here on SR.
You have had a set back, a relapse, but don't let it discourage you from recovery.
You can do it!