I'm losing it...

[slic64]

I'm in trouble... been clean for a little over 3-1/2 years. Just got back with BF within the last year. He was clean for about 6 months, now using again. And I'm going f*****g crazy!!!! I'm losing it and he's in denial... I sure am not acting very spiritual about the whole thing. Doing what I'm told to do in the program for me, but treating him like crap. Then feeling guilty as hell when I do. At least I can say I know what my family went through when I was using now. God love them, this is worse than I could have even imagined. So sure could use some words of experience in this area. It feels like trying to get clean all over again, in a way. Can't live with him, don't want to walk away again. I'm doing all the things I've learned to do in the program for my addiction, but it doesn't seem to be working on this. Any suggestions????? HELP!!!!!!

[Peaches04]

Hi slic64 - I'm so sorry... You may be crossing over to the 'other' side and becoming codependent? I don't know - it's an impossible situation. But, thank God you have learned the tools to deal with it. Have you ever read any of the alanon literature? Or do you look at the Friend and Family of A posts on here? You probably do - but, it's been very helpful and enlightening for me. I'm so grateful for YOU that you have recovered! BRAVO! AND that is the most important thing...YOU have come along way - please don't let him take you back to hell. I'll be thinking of you!

[Paulie]

Slic64 -

Wow you are living my bad dream. I am married to an addict in recovery. And both him and I have thought about what would happen if the other relapsed. His brother in law asked me once what I would do if he relapsed. I told him that I would hope I would run like hell. And I truly mean that. I love my husband with all my heart. We just got married last August. Been together sober for 8 years (sober 9 years) known each other for almost 18 years and used together most of those first 9 years!!! ALOT!!!!

But MY sobriety comes first. Seriously I mean that. We own a home together, we have business together that is our livelyhood. but if he relapsed I would have to get as far away from him as I could to protect myself. I know that I cannot help someone that does not want help. I would be there for him if he asked me to help him get clean again, but I would NOT stay and live with a using addict. I want to live, I don't want to die. And even worse then death, I don't want to live on this earth with dead spirit. That is what I hear from you.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself first. I would tell you BF that you will be there for him when he wants to get clean, but YOUR sobriety comes first.

Meetings, meetings, meetings, your sponsor, others in the program...stay connected with your support group.

God Bless.

[Imagine]

Hey slic64, I am an addict named Jerome. Just wanted to remind you that you're not respondable for no ones recovery but your own. You have 3 1/2 years under your belt and that's great. However; It's real easy for us to think we have it under control, I went back out with 3 1/2 years myself because I stoped putting my recovery first in my life. I know people with 15, 20, and 25 years that went back out, and the ones that made it back in all will tell you the same thing, they stoped working there program of recovery. We do recover, but only when we can always admit our powerlessness over PEOPLE, places, and things. Your 1st step will get you thru this. Your in my prayers, and just keep coming back one day at a time............................Love and Peace.

[cj.]

I think a big part of recovery is learning how to have healthy relationships with other people, ourselves and a Higher Power.

I think you know, deep down, that this is not a healthy relationship for you: even though you want it to be. That is why you are in such turmoil.

No matter how you feel about this guy and the relationship, look closely at what the truth about it is. You will find your answers and the truth will set you free!!

Please believe me when I say I am speaking from experience, because I am.

cj

[amie_va]

Just reading your post made my stomach hurt! My b/f relapsed when we both had about 9 months clean. I had met him in an NA meeting, but I was so surprised when he used!! I couldn't believe it. And my friends couldn't believe that I couldn't believe it. He went in and out for a couple of months, and payday became torture for me, because I never knew if he'd come home or not. I went to meetings every night, and asked all the same questions, but I never felt any better. Someone finally said that trying to figure out how to feel better was using behavior. What we come to learn in NA is how to deal with pain, instead of trying to make it go away. I had to decide if I wanted to stay and love him through it, and even if I could. Was my recovery on the line? God, it was the most horrible period of my life, and I still work on trying not to resent him for it.
In the end, I stayed. I surrounded myself with my support group and never let up my meeting schedule. I prayed, read my BT and let the pain go it's course. NA kept me clean and mainly sane. Got him clean again, too. For today, we're both still clean, and getting a little better every day.
I pray for you.

[Shakur T.]

Originally Posted by slic64

I'm in trouble... been clean for a little over 3-1/2 years. Just got back with BF within the last year. He was clean for about 6 months, now using again. And I'm going f*****g crazy!!!! I'm losing it and he's in denial... I sure am not acting very spiritual about the whole thing. Doing what I'm told to do in the program for me, but treating him like crap. Then feeling guilty as hell when I do. At least I can say I know what my family went through when I was using now. God love them, this is worse than I could have even imagined. So sure could use some words of experience in this area. It feels like trying to get clean all over again, in a way. Can't live with him, don't want to walk away again. I'm doing all the things I've learned to do in the program for my addiction, but it doesn't seem to be working on this. Any suggestions????? HELP!!!!!!

Peace & blessings,
Here's my experience: When I had a couple of years clean, I started dating a woman who had about six months...After a year she relapsed. Denial, anger, lying, manipulation, power & control. I experienced the whole thing. Took her to a detox, she came out, stayed clean for a while and used again. This became a vicious cycle for almost four years. I stayed clean, she continued to use. I would put her into treatment or detox only to have her use again...

I had to surrender and realize that I was not powerful enough to keep her clean. I let go and let God. She is still using and I am still clean (and happily married to someone else). I tried my best to help, only to realize that I was enabling her to continue in her addiction. As I worked the program I saw that I wanted her to recover like I was. Nothing wrong with wanting someone to get this, but she had to want it too.

There is a couple in my area who have been married for some time. He kept relapsing while she stayed clean. She stayed with him and after a few years he got clean and stayed clean. They are both active in the fellowship and doing well.

Work the steps, stay clean, keep sharing...Remember, pain is mandatory for growth. Suffering is a choice we make.

Peace

[Gooch]

Great replies... Yup .. we are responsible for our own recovery, no one elses.

I know that when I first came to NA I hadn't reached the state of openmindedness necessary for me to completely surrender to the fact that I could no longer use successfully. My year away from the program using again and creating more unmanagability was part of what it took for me to get humble enough to become willing

Many of us seem shocked when an addict uses... These days I just hope they live through the experience and find it i their heart to give recovery another go.

Take care of yourself and remember the addict who still suffers at the next meeting you go to. Sometimes it's someone we know. Might even be ourselves.