Dealing With Divorce (in recovery)

[servicejunkie]

I'm an addict named Mike. I've been on this board a little over a month and I think its time I allow some of you guys to share some experience with me, maybe I can draw some strenght and hope from it. I might as well allow you to also get to know me a little bit better. I have been going through a divorce in the last six or months. Aside from the first couple of months, me and my ex. have been getting along pretty good. We have two kids involved in this as well, 5 year old daughter, and a 2 year old son. That is really been the most difficult part. I got married right when I turned 20, I was VERY immature and completely and totally living the "addict life" at the time. I couldn't imagine what she saw in me at the time, I didn't really have anything to offer anybody in a relationship back then. One of the main reasons I got married was to attempt to escape the life I had created for myself. I realized this fact in recovery, and have been clean about 26 months now.

Anyway, for whatever reason, she was been having an affair since I believe a couple months before we seperated. We just moved into a brand new 3000 square foot house in a nice neighborhood a month before we seperated. I have allowed her to live there since (while I'm stuck in a small apartment at the time (still grateful)). Anyway, her boyfriend was around all the time like immediately after we seperated. We had grown very distant from each other since I got into recovery, so for the most part I really don't care what she does. Of course, I was not always the best husband, especially before coming to recovery, but I ALWAYS kept me wedding vows.

The thing that does bother me, and it should, is that this guy was and is around my kids constantly!!!! It really sets a crapy example to a confused 5 year old on how to have a healthy relationship!! He as been staying over at the house, MY new house, many nights lately, and my daughter doesn't like the guy. The reality of it is is that we are still not divorced!!! We only seperated six months ago!! Unfortunately, Florida is a "no fault divorce" state, so she could be prostituting herself uptown every night and she would still get half my stuff. We will be signing the divorce papers in the next week or two, if I don't add something to it. She is also buying the equity from the house from me so I can really use the cash I would get from it. I had someone suggest to me the other day that I put in the divorce settlement that ---"no overnight guest be allowed with the kids"---, of course I would be willing to do the same thing myself. I think she would have to give it to me due to evidence I have of her infidelity. If I do this it will delay things further and I wouldn't get my money from the house yet. So that's what I'm hoping to get some guidance on in the long ass post. Should I just surrender, and let things happen, or should I fight for what I think is the right thing to do??? Any guidance or encouragement is GREATLY appreciated. PLEASE don't give me advice on dealing with a divorce unless you have experienced one CLEAN. I really also just wanted to let you guys know some of what I've been dealing with in my life. Life shows up after we clean up, its not all cake. Thank God I have a simple program and strong support group to get me through these difficult times. Thanks everyone for allowing me to share part of my life with you.

[lonlion]

Mike, I feel for you as I have gone through all of what you described. As to whether or not you should put that stipulation in the divorce and slow things down? Ask yourself if she would keep to it, or if you would become preoccupied checking to see if she is keeping with it. If she doesn't keep with it, are you legally capable of taking sole custody of the kids, and is that what you would want? Lots of things to ponder.
Either way my thoughts and prayers are with you, and thanks for letting us in. Great support here

[servicejunkie]

Definately lots of things to ponder, I just have to be careful not to become OBSESSED!!! I just talked to another recovering addict on the phone for a while with lots of experience with divorce in recovery. I've decided to just let things go and get this thing over with. At least my kids will have ONE parent who can show a good example of how to have healthy relationships with others

[amie_va]

oh, mike, what terrible things we have happen to us, just when we stop thinking we deserve them. nothing upsets me more than the prospect of having to accept the unacceptable. yet, sometimes, i have to. my ex-husband thought that the purpose of his life was to find ever cooler and more risky ways of getting high. he knew that his worth was tied tightly to how many women he could bring home. this didn't bother me too much, either, except a small ego twinge every now and then. however, it was harmful to our children. i had to decide how much they could gain from a relationship with their father, and weigh this against how much harm his using and exploitation of women would do to our daughters. In the end, i had to acknowledge the fact that they deserved some time with him (the unacceptable), and then i had to set boundaries. and sticking with those boundaries was horribly difficult. i tried my best, and NEVER, NEVER, no matter how much i wanted to, i never said a bad word about the jerk in front of the kids. i gave them credit for being smart enough to figure it out on their own, eventually.
there were lots of misgivings, and all the times when they were gone, i agonized, but i still felt i was doing the right thing.
then, he solved the problem by moving 3000 miles away, and disappearing. this hurt a lot too, and i'm still furious every time i have to answer the 'why did daddy leave us behind?' thing. but, it's beyond my control. what i can control is that every moment that they're with me, i love them and teach by example. they go to meetings with me all the time, and my friends are their friends, too. even though they are 8 and 10, they know that they are not alone.
i'm praying for all of you.

[best]

What is important here?
Filling your wallet or seeing your children learn proper ways of life (as best can be in a divorce)
The $$ will always be there. The learning curve of children changes daily.

We play we pay. Same holds true for her side of things.
You seem to have a good outlook on the matter. I don't see any... wanting to get even... in your words. Keep the focus on what is best for the children.
The adults that wanted things their way will each need deal with what ever comes down the road for the sake of the children. Custody in most states tend to favor the mom getting the children. No overnight male guests could be something to ask for. If not granted just do your best to be the best dad you can be under the conditions as they are.

[servicejunkie]

She will basically have full custody of them. However, I have been spending MUCH more time with them than that every other weekend stuff. It isn't nessecarily either of the choices you mentioned above Best, Money or kids wellbeing, but also my sanity in fighting something that should have already ended, something that I don't have control over anyway. Compared to most people's divorces I've seen, even Non-addicts, ours has gone very,very smooth. I am just going to let her do her thing, the new guy seems to treat her good and treats the kids good as well. We actually talk alot on the phone and are becoming friends to some degree, which is really all our relationship as been for some time for the most part. However, she called me last week crying and talking about how miserable she is. Not without me, just that she's working all the time now and I guess coming to terms with the divorce herself. I'm pretty happy and content myself right now, I guess that is having a higher power and other people to help me through this has made an amazing difference. I hope she finds happyness in her life. I don't need another person or some material thing to allow me to enjoy life, it never works. I think that's what's missing from her life. I try my best to pratice these principles and leave this marriage with my character and dignity intact.

[cj.]

I have no experience with your present situation, so I won't even attempt to respond.

The only thing I have to offer you today are my thoughts and prayers.

Peace to you today and throughout your difficult time.

cj

[Dan]

My wife and I are in the process of separation. I came home from rehab. We tried again, with honesty and as much passion as we could muster I suspect.
In the end though, we came to the conclusion that there was no use in beating a dead dog, as it were.
So the house is up for sale, the kids are as prepared as they'll be, alternate living arrangements are decided, and we've been working with a counseling mediator.
Then, all of a sudden, the word divorce was spoken.
Big noise. Big tremor in my heart.
Thanks for this thread SJ. I need to hear all I can hear on the subject.
Grace and honor have been my buzzwords through all this.
But it's getting hard.
Peace to all parents and children living in these situations.

[Gooch]

Thanks for sharing Mike.

As a recovering addict I have had to relearn over and over that I have a tendancy to want to base my choices on guaranteed outcomes. I was reasonably certain that the dope was going to provide a desired effect. In a sense I felt like I could control my feelings when I used.

In recovery I want to know the outcome before I decide. Life doesn't unfold that way. Somewhere in the Basic Text it states that "we were incapable of making consistently healthy choices" We will make some choices wit hpleasant consequences and some with unpleasant consequences, and some with mixed consequences. As we gain experience doing the "next right thing" we will begin to make more comsistently healthy choices.

I seperated before I got clean, The divorce was finalized about 7 years later and at that point I had about 3 or 4 years clean. None of it was easy and I had to make some difficult choices. I can honestly at this time conclude that I was so full of unprocessed guilt and self loathing for my actions while I was using that I kept trying to be "the nice guy", when in fact it may have been healthier for my daughter in the long run had I been more willing to take an agressive stand on some things.

There are no guarantees as to how things will turn out. My only advice is to examine your motives, come to terms with any personal intents that may be self serving, pray and meditate, and follow your heart, then be willing to accept the outcome and be grateful for your ability to do the right things for the right reasons.

Again Mike, Thanks for sharing with us.

[best]

You make some good points there Mike.
I have seen people roll over and give up so to say. Not saying that is what you are doing. With them, the guilt had them give away the farm.
If time to have things finished was 6 months ago and things are still up in the air... maybe there is a reason for the delay.
I took what I needed and left everything else behind. A bed, a table, one of the cars, my clothes. A kind action amidst my selfishness? guilt? Who knows.

As for time.. some times things heal. Not only did we get back together and stop the divorce with 10 days left before it became final. In the wisdom gained from seeking the answers to recovery, the marriage was healed.
The past 4 years have been the best 4 years of all 29.

Some times things take as much time as they take, just because of the way things are. Other times they take as long as they take so that all can grow and maybe fix what is broken.
In all areas, think and pray before acting.
You sure do seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking things out well. May God guide your every step.

[servicejunkie]

Thanks alot everyone for all the support and wisdom. Prayer is definately one of the best tools I have to get me through these times, this would have been impossible without god by my side. I just have to do the footwork to keep him by my side and get out of the way to allow him to work. The divorce is inevitable and neither of us have any desire to patch things up. I believe it is kind of unrealistic for me to expect her not to have overnight guests, and its also like beating a dead horse. Its time to put an end to this and move on. Grace and honor are definately a must, however it has been difficult sometimes to maintain. I have had to appologize and make ammends several times during this. I am definately not carrying any guilt from this, its really neither of our faults this is happening. She still has some resentment against my using days, hell, we liked each other better in my active addiction. But I have done everything in my power to make up for those things, I havn't been living that way for some time, so if she wants to hang on to the past, its her problem. She was never physically or verbally abused, I was always faithful, and she always had all of her basic needs met, even in active addiction (except maybe emotionally). What do could I possibly have to feel guilt over?? I regret nothing!! I'm very grateful I did all the stuff that I did which took me to a state of despiration where I met god and a group of other addicts who god worked through to make me the person I am today!! Thanks again for all the love and support everyone.