About to relapse

[Wildcat1]

Hi there. I think i've only posted once before on this site. This is the best site i've found so far. All of you seem very supportive. I'll start from the beggining. I'm in the health care profession and lost my job due to workplace problems recently. I have a history of depression, dx. with firbromyalgia, IBS, and possilbly MS, although not confirmed yet. I have had constant pain since I can remember. I made the mistake of picking up painkillers about 6 months to a year ago, until recently. My DOC was percocet. The only reason I did it was because of the continous pain and none of my doctors (primary and specialist) seemed like they wanted to help me. So at the time I tried to fix the problem myself and became and addict. I hurt all of the time and have no energy, but know one seemed to understand that. Anyway, I'm in a program that requires 12 step meetings 3 times a week, drug screenings up to 7 days a week if needed, and under constant supervision for 5 long years. I resented the meetings at first because it felt like all my independence had been taken away from me. But the more NA meetings I attend, the more I understand that I'm not alone and this is a disease that effects everyone. So I keep going and trying to take it day by day. But for the past couple of days the pain has been so bad and the depression, well I can't even explain that kind of selfpity and sorrow. My doctor currently has me on an antidepressant, anti-inflammatory, and tylenol #3, which does nothing for the pain, just makes me sleepy. I do not want to go down the addiction road again, but sometimes when the pain is so bad, like now, all I want to do is take a stronger narcotic to help with the pain. I'm afraid if this continues much longer it will lead down that path, and I hate that, I'm scared of that feeling. Sorry, I'm rambling. You don't have to reply, just keep me in your prayers. Thanks for listening.

[lonlion]

I will pray for you....

[splendra]

Wildcat-

You made it to my prayer list and you made it here too. Hang tight okay!!!!

[Dawn10]

Wildcat1,
I know what you are feeling. I too, lost my job as a nurse due to my addictions, ( opiates, all of them, percocet, lortab, tyl#3, you name it I was using it.) I can encourage you to keep going to the meetings. It is your best hope to keep you from relapsing. And you are right, this is a great site, full of much support, strength and hope.
I will have my 6 years of sobriety on 11/3/04 and I can give you that hope. I did not return to nursing, but I am working in the medical field and I love my job.
I will keep you in my prayers and if you want to message me personally, I will respond.
One day at a time.

[Hangin' In]

Wildcat1,

I hang out on the Nar Anon board most of the time, but wanted you to know that I'm adding you to my prayer list. There is nothing too big for God to handle, so I'm asking for some relief for you.

I'm hoping that someone else will come along here with some medical knowledge and, of course, someone who can identify with what you are going through.

One day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute at a time....

Hugs,
Hangin' In

[skskshy]

I'm not sure about having MS, but I do know that I've been diagnosed with some fairly bad problems of my own, and I DO KNOW what it is like to live in constant pain. I know this may seem a little bit like overkill on the details, but most recently my movements were so severely limited because of pain that I could not clean myself after a BM. There I sat, on the stool, unable to perform a most basic need.

I was prescribed Hydrocodone for a year or so, then I moved on to Oxycontin for around 2 years. I've recently decided to try non opiate methods and physical therapy along with counseling for long term chronic pain management. I do have medications left that will manage the pain that I have, but I have commited to using them only during extreme times (see above). Even taking a drug like Percocet (Oxycodone) for the most NOBLE of purposes can be dangerous if taken over an extended period of time.

I'd really like to hear your backstory, as it seems you went from not using to being in some fairly hot water awfully quick.

You will be in my prayers, and I pray for guidance from our Lord for you.

[Gooch]

Prayers up.... next NA meeting you go to.. when they do the circle at the end and have the moment of silence for the addict who still suffers.. feel free to include yourself. I have and will when I am suffering from whatever it is that has me on the ropes. I also like to use that moment for specific people that I know are having a rough time, other addicts, and the friends and families of addicts who are still loosing sleep, and worrying about their addicted love ones.

[Wildcat1]

Thanks for your prayers. I will keep you posted.

[want2bfree]

Wildcat,

I too was in the medical profession, prescribed pain meds for dental problems, neck and back problems....and became addicted. As of today...I am still taking them...abusing them. I am hoping this will be my last round of them, as I am going to try and stop. However, I ended up in jail due to my habit. I worked in a doctors office and one day became so anxious over running out of Hydrocodone that I wrote myself a prescription and was arrested and put in jail for a night. It was the worst experience of my life. I was also in Nursing School at the time- which has been my life long dream- and now I fear that I have ruined any chances of becoming a nurse....with a felony conviction on my record. My life only plummeted downhill from there and I continued to this day to abuse narcotics. For the last few months I have been so desparate to stop, but the feeling of withdrawl scares the life out of me and I am afraid to stop. How did you stop? I live with pain and because of my abuse of pain killers...i have a high tolerance for pain medicine and I have only made the situation worse. I am sorry to hear that you feel like you may head down this road again....i can only say..........DON'T!!! I know I have a lonnnnnng road ahead of me. I know you know that, seeing as how you have been down this road. Maybe just knowing the hurdles I have ahead of me, may pursuade you to not go down this path again. I want so badly to be where you are right now................not addicted to pain pills. Please stay strong, and I will pray for you.........as I will be praying for myself. Take care- WANT2BFREE

[Phinneas]

Oh you guys, this just breaks my heart. Pain meds are so, so, sooo addictive. I have lost everything, including almost my life several times because of my addiction to them. Please know that recovery IS the softer, easier way. Using can only make things worse. Go to meetings, reach out and get support, read recovery literature... There IS hope.

jojo

[namommy]

Wildcat,

I haven't personally experienced the severe pain and having to take meds, but some of my friends in recovery have experienced it. One person uses the pain patch. it's like a nicotine patch, only for pain meds. It administers a controlled amount of pain meds, and he says it works well. My sponsor has a stimulator in her back that stimulates certain nerves to relieve pain. I have another friend who has a morphine pump that pumps directly into his spinal cord, it relieves the pain without the effects of being high. There are many options out there for you, you just have to do the footwork and find them.

I also work in the health care field, and I love my job.

[Dawn10]

Don't be afraid of the withdrawal. Many people have minimal problems. I was very fortunate, I truly had no symptoms other than some anxiety and mild diarrhea. I had a lot of family and friends supporting me in prayer and I am convinced that was the biggest strength in my starting recovery.
There are many inpatient and outpatient programs that will help you in withdrawal and it doesn't have to be bad. Check them out and get help before rock bottom becomes the pits.
I will CELEBRATE my 6th year of sobriety on 11/3/04 and please believe me when I say they are the best 6 years of my life.

[Shakur T.]

Peace & Blessings Wildcat,

I have lived in pain for so long I think it's normal. I have severe nerve and tissue damage from a gun shot and a car accident. I walk with a limp and have a fused kneeap. I do not take any medication. I have tried various pain meds but am too afraid that my disease won't know the difference (and I don't want to wake that monster up again).

I pray and meditate daily and that's what helps me. I am not suggesting this for anyone else. I have had to deal with this for a long time and this is just MY experience. I was surprised how much pain I could tolerate once I decided to go this route. I pray that whatever medication a person has to take, they are careful and take it as prescribed.

[evelle8]

Wildcat They say in heaven that you're perfect and free of all worldly pain and suffering I feel that we go through all of this so we can know the difference and believe that it wasn't all for nothing.That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger{sorry to have to use an old cliche'} Love evelle8

[DJ22]

wow thank you for sharing your story, i too was addicted to pain pills..lortabs and also was in the medical profession i have been clean for 488 days when I have times such as your when I feel like using I pick up the phone call my sponser or anyone who cares or will listen go to a meeting or reach out to us. Addiction is very patient. My prayers are with you don't hesitate to e-mail me if need be. Should you relapse do not beat yourself up just pick youself back up and keep moing forward. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT...