A follow up, as promised...

[skskshy]

Today's another day. After finding my wife had been slowly siphoning my medication off to wake me up to my own problems, I started taking my meds again. The first day was fine. I cleaned the house, went rollerblading with my kids, and a few other fun things.

The next day I decided that even though I had enough medication to make it to my next fill, I wanted to decrease my intake. I went to 20 mgs once daily rather than twice. Two days of that, and I am back off.

I feel very lethargic, but my appetite is good, and I am sleeping the sleep of the dead (probably because I am back on my 1000mgs of Depakote, which makes me very tired).

I'm trying to work myself into a non opiate routine with the help of a local pain management and physical therapy clinic.

My pain was bad enough this morning that I was limited in motion. My wife had to help me shower and get dressed. With tears in both our eyes, she pleaded with me to take my pain meds. I politely declined.

I'm no longer afraid of my medication. And I'm no longer driven to feel like I need to take more. The immense emotional dump I've done here, and with my therapist in the past week has been of great help. I haven't obsessed over the fact that I KNOW I have medication in the cabinet and could take it if I wanted.

I simply choose not to at this point, because even though it may not have control over me, I realize that playing with that medication is like playing Russian Roulette. Play it long enough, and your gonna lose.

I called my doctor to discuss what I was doing and he suggested I go down slowly, and prescribed 5 mgs of hydro twice daily. I accepted, but really only wanted it for times such as this morning when dressing was impossible.

My goal? 30 days without opiates and with non opiate treatements. If I make it that long and have some quality of life, I'll remain Oxy free. If not, then I may have to just bite the bullet.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend! GO COLTS! MANNING RULES THE GRID IRON!

[cj.]

It's really great to hear that you are challenging yourself to fight from falling into addiction. A lot of times it is very easy to give in to the easier, softer way. Believe me, I have considered it often! But I have proven to myself, numerous times, that I can take no mood altering substance safely!

I also know the feeling of embarassment and helplessness that comes from not being able to dress myself or get up from a chair without help. Some mornings when I wake up, I feel like I must have been hit by a truck and I know it will be a rough couple or few days of intense pain. But it eases off somewhat, to the point of feeling that I have only been hit by a bicycle!! Those are my good days!!

You are so lucky to have access to a pain management clinic near you. I would have to travel hundreds of miles and be put on a long waiting list, so I try to manage as best as I can with information I have obtained from various sources. There is a rumor, however, that there may be a pain clinic coming to my neck of the woods in the near future. I have also heard that there may be another, specifically for fibromyalgia sufferers. That would be soooooooo........... cool.

Anyhow...... keep up the fight and I hope and pray that you will find whatever it is that you are looking for.

cj

[servicejunkie]

I'm an addict named mike. Its great to hear back from you skskshy, and I'm also happy you have taken some suggestions on here and you are taking control of you life (before things really got out of control). I know you will be successful at getting through these difficult and emotional times in your life and come through them a better person. Keep on the right track, and I'll keep sending prayers of hope to you!!