still struggling, but i'm still clean

[ohsotired]

thanks to all for the kind words. i love belonging to this group. i'm still struggling- and i know that i'm right where i should be. i've ended all contact with the men in my network and i'm sticking with the women. i understand now about men with men and women with women. it caused so much drama in my life. i've made a healthy new start with a new sponsor and i can't wait to start working with her. her first suggestion to me was to delete all the men from my cell phone and not go back to my old home group unless i was in dyer need of a meeting and there was no where else to go. there was too much drama (of my own creation) there. i created a love (lust) triangle in the rooms to band-aid my addiction problems- and it only made evrything worse. i washed my hands of it, and i feel better. i came clean with the ex boyfriend- not that i had to, because we were broken up, but because he kept asking me and i didn't want to lie to him anymore, so i'm glad i don't have to lie anymore- you're as sick as your secrets and now i don't have anymore. i can't take a deep breath yet- but i'm working on it... anyway- thanks to eveyone who responded to my insanity. hopefully there will be no more. i can't believe the **** i pulled in the rooms that have been saving my life. i will be aopologizing to my higher power for the rest of my life for this. i still want to smoke crack today, but not as much as yesterday, and i only cut myself once today... so far, but the feelings are going away. thanks again everyone
an addict named nicole

[servicejunkie]

ohsotired, I'm glad you are being vigilent and you are making some changes in your recovery. You will see results from those changes, a little bit of willingness goes a long way. We all bring the disease with us into the rooms when we get clean, I know I did, But things will get better as you work the steps and try some different suggestions (looks like you are already in the solution!!). I know the steps have worked a miracle for me, and I know they can do the same for you. Jump right in the middle of them and you will learn to love yourself, we will help love you in the meantime. Don't expect the "insanity" to go away either, we are always struggling with it in one way or the other, but it doesn't have to make my life unmannagable anymore if I stay open to the solution and keep at the program. Hang in there, these feelings you have WILL pass, I have hope for you. Keep commin' back!

Love & Respect,
An addict named Mike