Not sure if I have lost control or not...

[skskshy]

I'm sure this is a common question amongst this group, and I wanted to talk to "peers" before I decided that I'm finished with pain medications. It's a long story, but I thank those of you that will read and respond. I need some advice, some sympathy, a little help, to vent, and a little friendship. Hopefully, all will be found here.

And my story:

Three years ago my wife and I moved from a small house, into a much larger one. We had plenty of help on moving day, but for some reason, they seemed to be all sitting around watching me and my wife move everything. I wasn't as concerned about the dozen New York strips going unearned as I was simply aggravated for being left alone. My personality type is Alpha Male. All my life I've been a leader; take no prisoners ass kicker, rather do it myself because I can do a much better job type person. The day culminated in my grabbing our refrigerator and throwing it on my back (I'm 6'5, 250, and have been complimented on my surprising strength).

A week later I was unable to walk. Literally. After the usual battery of tests (MRI, X-Rays, etc) I was found to have three lower disc herniations, two upper, severe spinal arthritis, and to cap it off, a genetic birth defect giving me only four lower vertebrae rather than five, meaning the load the others carried was greater.

I knew it was coming. I had at one time been a free climbing fool, motocross rider, hard living, and hard drinking daredevil. I had been missing one to two weeks a year of work because of my back "going out" for the past four or five years. On top of that, I had been in two car crashes with speeds in excess of 50 mph, one head on motorcycle crash, and various body bruising events outside that. It was not uncommon for me to have to use a heating pad and a plenty of aspirin on a regular basis. Yeah...I knew it was coming.

My doctor told me to stay at home, take a week easy, and prescribed Vicoden for the discomfort. I was taking roughly 20 mgs per day. I was comfortable. I stayed on the Vicoden for a few weeks, stopped taking it cold turkey (went through minor withdrawals but nothing I couldn't handle) then started seeing a Chiropractor, went through a ton of physical therapy, VAX-D treatments, and thought I was okay.

Within a few weeks, I was walking like an old man, missing work, and ignoring my family and children to sit in my easy chair in severe pain.

Back to the doc. He wanted me to have surgery, but I refused. I know the outcome isn't always guaranteed, and I have a severe mortal fear of being put under. I was knocked out during one of my crashes and fear it nearly as bad as death. He told me my only options then were opiate based relievers.

Back on Vicoden. I stayed on 20 mgs to 25 mgs per day for almost two years. I never once abused the medication, and never felt like I was addicted.

I started having more pain than usual, as my twins were now beyond toddlers, and I was more active than ever, with a job that had me on my feet for hours at a time. My back was taking a beating. I was waking at night and supplementing my Vicoden with Tylenol.

I told my doc, and he suggested a longer lasting narcotic, specifically Oxycontin. My dosage was 20 mgs, two times daily. I slept good, had little pain, and generally felt happy. Had I even done one second of research on this drug, I would have probably said no the second he mentioned it. I stayed on the medication for almost a year and never once abused it, though.

Until now.

The last three months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and my family. My wife and I found out we were pregnant again in December. I took a job with a governmental Aerospace leader (four letters, starts with "N") and went to DC to start our life over. My wife became ill during the pregnancy, having to be hospitalized from May until July 4th. She gave birth early due to infection and our son only lived three days. I lost my job because I had to come home and care for our family and most of all, be with my wife during that whole time.

That's when it started.

I have been on Depakote for several years for OCD. It runs rampant in my family and I've been taking it to head off any troubles after I started showing signs of oncoming problems.

In May, I stopped taking my Depakote. Just stopped. Not sure why, but I did. The next thing I know, I started taking more of my Oxycontin, but only a little bit. Occasionally I would go from my normal 40 mgs to 60 mgs. I never got myself more than 3-4 days ahead of my medication, and never enough to arouse any suspicion.

I felt like it was okay, since the Oxy kept me in a good mood, and not obsessing over the loss of my son, or the lack of employment.

The past two months have been a completely different story through. I've gotten myself ten days, then twelve days ahead. I was up to 80 mgs per day at times.

After going through withdrawals the first time I ran out ten days early, my wife noticed something was seriously wrong with me. I told her what had happened, and we both agreed that she would monitor my intake and get me back on my Depakote. She wasn't mad, and didn't judge me, which I needed most of all.

When my last prescription came due, we didn't have the money to fill both prescriptions. My wife and I agreed that we would rather have me up and moving, as opposed to a couch potato, so we got the Oxy.

18 days later, there I was...out. My wife turned her head on me and I took advantage of the situation. I kept away the bad dreams of my son, kept away my running thought, and seemed to keep me sane. My wife was disappointed, and that's when I decided then and there to find out where I stood.

Which is exactly why I am here.

I've been off of meds for three days now, and I am going through the usual withdrawals (leg cramps and jerks, headaches, loss of appetite, fever and chills, severe diarrhea, loss of will and desire to move,), although by today, I'm not suffering all that bad. My appetite is back, although my stomach is still a bit shaky, my diarrhea has slowed to stop, and I felt well enough to walk out to our mail box and play some playstation with the kids today. I will try to mow my yard this afternoon, but I am not so sure how that will go. My attitude so far has been that I will not let this drug, or it's withdrawals kick my ass. BUT, the pain that I have in my spine is keeping me fairly restricted.

My wife and I have talked and both feel that since I went nearly 3 years without trouble while on my mood stabilizer, that we can accomplish that again. She's contributed a large part of my problem to our recent events and the lack of Depakote ( I am a completely different person when on it). We've both agreed that I will not fill the Oxy scrip again until I get back on my Depakote. We both feel that the quality of life that I am capable of on the pain relievers is greatly better than without, therefore we are both willing to try again, and both be diligent about watching my intake.

I have no thirst for the drug, and I really don't crave it all that much. I haven't had thoughts of suicide or severe depression. I guess it could be because my daily dosages were so low in comparison to some of the others I have seen in here (400 mgs). I never crushed, chewed, snorted, or shot the medication. I don't feel like I have to run out and rob a store, doctor shop, or try to buy it illegally. I've used drugs in the past in a recreational manner, from pot to cocaine, beer to hard alcohol, and never had an addictive problem. I just don't feel like this drug has taken control of me....I feel confident that if I get back on my Depakote, my obsessive tendencies will fade and I'll regain some sanity, and be able to make a better decision about whether or not to take an extra pill.

Am I fooling myself here? Or can you ever go back once you've crossed that line? I can honestly say that I haven't been taking the medication because I enjoy the "high" or the "pep". It's been because I start obssesing that my back is hurting, when maybe it isn't and when I get emotional about my son, which I am having severe problems in getting over. It seems to keep the tears at bay. My wife and I both agree that the reason I am taking extra Oxy is what the Depakote is supposed to manage. My wife has suggested hiding the medications somewhere, with her giving me my daily dose until my Depakote levels are sufficient, then trying to wean me back onto taking care of my own dosages.

What do you think? All opinions would be greatly appreciated. And my scrip is due a week from today, and I promise, no matter the outcome, I'll let you all know the road I choose.

Believe it or not, the bulk of my decision will be based on the feedback from this forum. So please, take in the entire story before you judge me as an addict, which I have no problems with and will start the necessary recovery, or someone that needs to get things back together and give it another go.

Sorry so long, and thanks to all that made it this far...

God bless

"Live like you were dying..."

[skippy69]

Hello, I am by no means a medical expert, so I can only give my opinion and own experience. I was once addicted to opiates, my doc was Oxycontin. I started taking them orally then progressed to snorting them. Unlike you, I didnt take them for medical purposes, but there are some similarities I see in you that I recognize. It seems to me you really do need something for the pain, and for the most part you have done exactly as directed by you doctor. Many have done the same, only to find themselves addicted. I never dreamed that I would ever be in this situation, but here I am. What I found in these drugs is I liked the mood it put me in, the escape from reality. I worked on my job (finance management) great, no one ever knew. Im not saying you are doing this, but you can justify things in your mind if you want something bad enough. I did that, and I didnt even have a prescription. I mean how could it be hurting me if my mood is great, I worked great, slept great, everything seemed to be better on this drug. How wrong I was, I was slowly becoming a slave to this drug, and I dont want to ever be in that position again. It controlled me, its all I thought about every waking moment. Maybe there is some other alternative medication for you, maybe not. I do know that you having concerns now, is a sign that there maybe a problem. Withdrawal is a good indication that your body is telling you it needs this drug. You seem to be a smart guy, and I think you know if theres a problem. You maybe answering your own questions ya know? I pray that you make the right decisions, especially since you have a family. If I can help, I will be glad to talk to you more. This is just my opinion, that doesnt make it the right one.

God Bless
Skippy

[skskshy]

I appreciate the feedback, and I am trying to be as honest as possible here, so that I can make the best informed decision as possible. It's important to me to progress forward in a positive manner.

I do feel that I have a problem, but I atribute the most of it to the lack of mood stabilizers (Depakote). I am honestly a 100% different person when on those medications. I make better decisions, think more rationally, act more responsibly, and tend to be more "together". My family and friends, whom all know I take Depakote and why, have all already told me they know I've stopped and that I have changed in a very bad way.

I guess my honest question is, has anyone ever come back in this situation to be a controlled medicator? As you mentioned, I more than have a legitimate medical need for the medications...without I am essentially home bound with pain.

You mentioned the mood and relaxation that the drug gave you. I can honestly say that those haven't meant a lot to me. I don't really feel that different in mood or pep at 40 mgs or 80 mgs, the most I've ever taken. The only difference I've noticed is that I don't sit up at night and cry over the loss of my son. That's pretty much it. And that's pretty much why I started taking extra doses, to knock myself out so that I could sleep and not cry for days on end. The loss of my son was doubly hard as he was my only son, and during his birth, his mother nearly died and needed a complete histerectomy. My wife and my doctor have both told me that I need to get back on my Depakote, and that all things should even out, as it were.

But, the one thing I don't want to do is become argumentative about the possibillity of me having a disease. If I have it, I have it. I'll identify, adapt, and overcome. I'm confident of that. How I'll manage my pain after that is another story, should it come to that....

[skskshy]

As well:

I'll never figure out how people continue this cycle. After only two episodes of withdrawals, I'm ready to give this crap up forever if I can't get it fixed. The daily pain that I am with is severely depressing, and I am HONESTLY afraid of it, so I need to make a VERY informed, well thought out decision.

And I'll never figure out how people are taking up to three times the amount, or more, I am and still having bowel movement. I was so constipated from taking 80 mgs for 10 days straight that I didn't crap for a week, and when I did, it was such a blockage, I thought I had crapped the proverbial brick.

I knew that I would have withdrawals, as you can't even be on my regular dosage and not experience some withdrawals when you have an abrupt stop. That doesn't bother me, and I look at it as a neccessary evil to keep me up and moving. But thus far, my withdrawals appear to be fairly minimal in comparison to what I have read. After my last detox, by day three I was up doing physical labor again, and by day six, you couldn't tell I had problems.

But I can tell you this...they may be small, but I don't want to by God go through them again

[skippy69]

Believe me I know withdrawals are hell on earth. Ive been there three times, and it gets worse each time, never want to experience that again. Sounds like you need to give your other medication another try. Hopefully that will level you out. If you need the pain medication, then I would think that as long as you take it under a doctors care, then you shouldnt have any thing to worry about. I just know that Ive read story after story about people who have been on this medication legitamately, prescribed by doctors, only to find themselves addicted years later. Its ironic, but they all find themselves in the same category as me. We just took different paths but all end up at the same ending. I really hope things work out for you, and Im so sorry about your son. I have a son myself, and cant imagine the pain you must be feeling. I somehow believe that you will do the right thing. Think of your family of course, but also think about yourself, believe in your self, and I think you will do the right things.

Skippy

[skskshy]

Skippy:

Outside of any decision I make, and things said about what I am going through, and anything people here may think of me for what decision I do finally make, I want to thank you for what you've said. It's really heartwarming to me that a complete stranger can show such compassion to a fellow human.

Honestly, just knowing that you have faith in me gives me that much more faith that I will make the right decision...

Which for now, is still open to discussion...

[2dayzmuse]

(((skskshy))) :rose

Your story was heartfelt and I wish you the best of luck. I'm an alcoholic, but have to admire your fight and the concerns you have. I've never dealt with a drug problem, but wanted to ackowledge your post. You've had more than your share to endure. You recognize the possibility of the meds becoming a problem down the road. I understand how difficult it must be, to be in constant pain. I would suggest you talk to your Dr. about your concerns. I very sorry for the emotional and physical pain you are suffering. Perhaps some grief counseling and pain management would be helpful. Your in my thoughts and prayer...Sorry about the preverbial brick...ouch!!!

Talia

[ted]

HEY SKS WELCOME.
I CAN'T RELEATE TO THE OXY,I'VE TAKEN THEM A COUPLE OR SO TIMES.
I'M ALCOHOLIC BUT ANYTHING WOULD DO.
GOOD YOUR LOOKING AT THE SITUATION BEFORE IT GETS WAY OUT OF HAND.
I HOPE YOU CAN FIND THE ANSWER FOR YOU.
I TAKE DEPAKOTE ALSO,I AGREE WITH YOU ON THE TOTALLY DIFFERNT PERSON.
MOOD STABILISER FOR BI POLAR.
WISHING YOU THE BEST.........ted

[skskshy]

Thanks guys. Like I've said earlier, I'm just trying to figure the whole picture out, and since I'm only human, I can't do that. I'm a christian, with a strong faith and strong convictions, and I've really prayed for guidance with this whole issue. But like I've said, I'm trying to make the best decision I can, keeping everything and everyone in mind, outside myself.

My 12 year old daughter lost her mother to a 19 year prison sentence centered around Oxycontin abuse and the things she was doing to keep it going. I never really knew her all that well, since this was a teenage lust one night stand thing, and didn't even realize she was having problems until she was in jail. We lived in different states and I found out she was in jail only after calling to talk to her. I got custody of my daughter within a few days. She's been with me for five years now.

I want most of all to not let that happen to me. I don't want to get to the point that I have seen and heard some addicts get. Thus the lengthy discussion here.

And Ted, I appreciate you sharing your OCD / Depakote relationship with me. I am fairly convinced that I had stopped taking it because I had convinced myself that I was "Okay". I had just started a new job, and within a matter of 8 weeks was given a ten thousand dollar raise for merit performance. The job was with the people that put the shuttle in space (won't say the name for fear of previous coworkers) and I thought that my crap didn't stink at that point. I worked for friggin NA*A. I figured I was cured and could stop taking it.

I am a totally different person without. I haven't spoken much more than a few words to my father in weeks, whereas before we spoke every other day. I obsess over where my wife is at every moment, accusing her of everything under the sun when she's five minutes late, I don't like to be around people, have vistors, am anti-social, and don't like public places. When I started Depakote, after 30 days or so, all of that changed, and I became the person I was four years prior.

While I am still undecided as to whether I will fill my prescription. I am honestly feeling pretty good on day three of detox, althought I've had to sit most of the day and have eat Tylenol like crazy, use a heating pad and ice on my back, but I have had the energy and desire to take my kids to Mickey D's, and I am heading out as we speak to the local pub with the wife to watch Monday Night Football. Like I said earlier, I won't let the drug, or it's withdrawals stop me...it's mind over matter at this point, but it's not fair to my wife and four kids if I just come to a stop.

I am sure that I will be back on my Depakote within the week (finances willing). I owe that to my family first. The pain meds are a secondary question...

Catch you guys tomorrow...

[2dayzmuse]

(((skskshy)))

:rose

[Gooch]

Welcome skskshy!

I can't offer you any experience from a medical perspective either.

I did recreational drinking and dope smoking for years, with the occasional pharmeceutical interlude. Hurt my back pretty bad a few times playing Superhero or because somebody else was showing off and I didn't want to appear to be the wimp. I've got the arthritus and fischettes syndrome and some days the pain is horrible. I use the heating pads, showers, and rotate between advil, and art strength tylenol. I also see a chiro. on a fairly regular basis. There is pain everyday upon waking and depending on the level of activity, some days are more productive than others.

The recreational usage was doing me in by the mid 80's and in 88' I took my first shot at recovery. I had 2nd, 3rd, and 4th thoughts and when I was sentenced to jail in Feb. 91' decided to give the NA program an honest and sincere try. I went to an NA meeting the day I was released and have been working the program the best I can ever since.

I've had 2 episodes with kidney stones, and a surgery after t boning a pickup with my HD Bagger when the truck did an illegal u turn in front of me. All 3 of those times the docs prescribed some of my favorite pharmeceutical strength narcotic painkillers.

The first episode with having scrip strength stuff happened at 3 years clean. I "toughed" it out as best I could for as long as I could before I considered using the painkillers, and when I was ready for some relief, called my sponsir and a few of the folks in my network to let them know what, what strength, and how many I was "holding" I asked them to check up on me at various intervals. My sponsor even volunteered to hold onto them and dispense them to me as prescribed if I thought I might have trouble "taking as directed".

All 3 times I have had to take prescription strength painkillers, I have followed the same procedure and it helped me stay honest. As soon as possible, I flushed what was left over, and went back to my advil or tylenol routine for my back pain.

My sponsor was just in a bike wreck and was prescribed painkillers for the pain. He has discontinued everything but one prescription and he is being careful with that. (They had prescribed Oxy for him and I expressed my concern. He used them at first but was very cautious and discontinued them as soon as was practical.)

Another thing that you mentioned was OCD .. the engine behind addiction is obsession and compulsion. (Probably a whole lot of addicts out there who are obsessive/compulsive with enough healthy behaviours that never manifest a problem with substance.)

I'm ADHD .. still trying to determine whether thats a seperate illness or an integral part of what addiction means to me. I've been misdiagnosed as learning disabled, depressed, and just plain dysfunctional. These days there are so many diagnosis, that we can usually overlap ourselves into several categories.

As an addict in recovery, I've related to the suggested, corrective, actions outlined in teh 12 steps and as applied have given me the most overall, satisfactory relief from all my professional and self diagnosed "labels" and their associative behaviours.

Your the only one who can decide what does and doesn't work for you.

If you haven't had a chance to yet, you might want to check out the NA Basic Text.

Most addicts can distinctly identify with it. The more I read though it ( for nearly 16 years now) the more I go wow! thats me exactly. I have a friend who is definately not an addict and he went to a meeting, brought home a text and when I asked him his reaction to it he said "I read through a lot of it. It was interesting, but nothing really jumped out at me. I guess if you like it and it seems to help you, then thats great!"

I'm sure that any addict that ever picks it up and honestly reads through it feels more of an emotional response than "it's interesting" lol

Thanks for sharing so much of a glimpse into your life. I'm glad your here.

Hope something I shared either offers you some insight or some hope or both.

[skskshy]

Gooch:

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

I'm beginning to draw some similarities between my actions, and a few of the other people within this forum, but I also have a very different set of ideas, not because I am in denial, but because I simply have approached things very differently, and with a completely different mindset.

You mentioned you were a recreational user of various items, and while I will admit to doing my fair share, I was never really a regular user. More of a once every few months, only at the parties kind of person. I drank fairly hard, but was young, in the military, and it was a way of life. I slowed down the drinking almost five years ago to a slow trickle, maybe one or two beers or drinks a month. Just saw it as more of a neusance than anything else. I've never had trouble saying no to anything when I needed to. And I've only just now realized that I needed to say no to this drug and hold off and see where I stand.

On a side note, my wife and I went to the pub down the street for a beer and to watch the game tonight and we ran into an old friend of ours. When she saw me, she asked what was wrong (I am still a little green around the gills, and I am also a VERY neat grooming freak, but just didn't have the energy and couldn't withstand the pain of standing long enough to primp tonight). My wife volunteered that I was out of medications due to expenses and she promptly offered me her bottle of Vicoden sitting in her closet that she never uses. There's 35 7.5 mgs in that little bottle.

And heres where the funny part comes in. Before I thought everything else, I thought "Nope, not until you have your Depakote". I then thought about how it would make my withdrawals go away. Still, I never second guessed myself. I politely declined and resigned myself to getting on my Dep and then starting over or going on without from this point further. My wife looked at me, I looked at her, we smiled at each other because we both knew what I was thinking. I didn't feel proud of myself for that decision, and I don't feel I passed some soul searching, defining test. I just know it's the right thing to do.

And I read the NA basic text as well. And while I will admit, it's a pretty well written, well thought out, very powerful peice of prose, I was really asking myself more questions about who wrote it, how long it took them, and how much it meant to someone that it touched, personally. I didn't feel anything. Sorta made me sad. I can identify with it from a human standpoint, but there wasn't anything that reached out and grabbed me. I wanted it to hit me like a ton of bricks, so that I could make this decision and be done with it (I hate indecision). It was good, and I can see how it could help and affect a lot of people.

Anyhow, I agree about the diagnosis thing in our society, but I will have to say, my doc nailed OCD with me after reviewing my family history and the Depakote really does take me from Mr. Hyde back to Dr. Jekkyl.

And I've done the same things as you for maintenance on my damaged spine and back. Unfortunately for me, those methods only allow me minimal activity and when you have four children (twin girls at four and a half) you have to be active. My pain levels without medication are enough to bring me to tears at times.


BTW...do you mind filling me in on Fischettes? Never heard that term and have been unable to find anything on WebMD or on google.

I appreciate all that read and all that have responded. I'd like more opinions if possible, just so that I feel like I have really polled the peers before I make my decision.

For now, It's off to bed, shag the wife and wake up to another day.

[servicejunkie]

Hi skskshy!! Welcome to SR!! I wanted to reply and get back with you because your story was very interesting. Maybe I can tell you a little bit about what addiction is all about, if it don't apply, let it fly. As addicts, we are constantly seeking SOMETHING to somehow change the way we feel, to "fix" us. Keep in Mind, I didn't say drugs, just something to get us outside ourselves. Addiction is basically threefold--Obsession, Compulsion, and self-centerdness. To some degree, as you will read in the text, addiction IS OCD!! The quantities of drugs is not what makes us addicts, but how we react to them and why we use them. Also keep in mind that people who are not addicts typically don't wonder if they are!! Oxycontin is an easy drug to abuse, keep in mind that tolerance developes over time, hence people needing to take hundreds of milligrams. Its great that you turned down those pills the other day, probably a wise decision. I can definately understand your dilema about what to do here, to some degree, your damned if you do, damned if you don't. Maybe look into alternative pain management and non-opiate medications, I wouldn't suggest using the OXY only if all else fails. It would also be wise to get some kind of greif counseling to help you deal with things, instead of hiding from them. If you MUST go that way, It would be wise to have your wife hide the medication and dispence it for you. I pray that god will guide you into making the best decision. Good luck, and let us know how things work out for you.

[Gooch]

I'm hoping this explanation will be broadened, corrected, and enhanced as needed by some of the other history buffs with a better memory than I.

Before teh Basic Text, there was the "Little white book" and before that there was another "pamphlet" sort of literature which explained what NA was, how it could help the addict get clean, and much of the literature contained in that was composed by Jimmy K, ( and if I perceive it correctly approved by the "founders" and early members)

As NA grew large enough to support a service structure, there were many other contributors and literature began to go through an approval process. Addicts contributed to, enhanced, and edited literature through a group consciuos process so that the language and content could better serve all addicts, no matter their educational level, or environmental influences or even what drugs they used.

One thing I really love is the service prayer .. It's been used to petition our collective higher power whenever we come together in service to the fellowship.

"GOD, grant us knowledge that we may write according to Your Divine precepts. Instill in us a sense of Your purpose. Make us servants of Your will and grant us a bond of selflessness, that this may truly be Your work, not ours - in order that no addict, anywhere, need die from the horrors of addiction."

Facettes syndrome... sorry for the misspelling..

http://www.emedicine.com/sports/topic65.htm

[skskshy]

I wanted to start of by saying thanks to Gooch, Servicejunkie, and 2dayz.

I think what servicejunkie has said has really started me thinking things through on a different level. I really thought about that those "asking if your an addict" and the "to change the way we feel, and to fix ourselves" comments.

It's fairly black and white from my perspective. I did abuse my medications to alleviate an emotional distress that I've felt overwlemed by. Because of the severity of my OCD, I have been reliving the moment in my son's life where I requested they remove the life support and give him a man's death (crying while writing). Because of massive brain bleeding, his life would only be continued with machines. I couldn't let him die like that. I believe in honor foremost. I wanted him to have the honor of dying without being hooked up to tubes and wires.

And because of the severity of my disease, the OCD and Bi-Polar, I have literaly relived that moment over and over and over, hearing the doctors voices in my head, see the room we were in, smelling my son, and hearing myself tell him over and over how brave he was and how he had a purpose greater than me that he was being called for (beyond crying now, I guess sobbing is the word).

Maybe if I had been on my Depakote when these events transpired, I would've handled the situation and my Oxy dosage a little differently. But I didn't. Most of all, I didn't just misdose, I abused. I liken it to a good friend of mine who is a very light drinker, but is known to get crying drunk when someone in his family passes.

I think after talking it through with some of the people here, my wife, a few friends that I trust, and a nurse at my local hospital, I may stay off of the meds for the next few weeks and try some non opiate methods of pain management. Give my Depakote levels time to stabilize, get some counseling about the loss of my son, then see where I stand again.

If at that point I am still having severe pain and am generally limited by my disabilities, I'll reconsider the Oxy. If I do reconsider the Oxy, it'll only be under the conditions that my wife hides the medications and dispenses as directed.

Previously, I never really cared how the medication made me feel. It made me able to mow my lawn, rollerblade with my kids, carry my twins on my back so they could see the things that I could, and most of all, help my wife with household chores and raising our children (I would rather die, or go out honorably than become a burden to my family).

I would also like to mention at this time that I have frequently given myself what I think are called "drug holidays" where I would go off of my Oxy for a day or reduce my dosage to half dosage for two to three days in an effort to keep the dosage I was on effective. At times I have even weaned myself down to half dosages, then to lower Vicoden dosages, to a complete stop, and never had the serious withdrawals or problems. My doctor and I both requested these stopages to see if I still needed the medication and to aid in long term effectiveness. I never felt compelled during those times to seek the medication out, and saw the discomfort as a necessary evil of my future. I know I don't want to have to keep upping my dosages every few years just because I haven't taken the time to effectively manage my medication.

If at the time that I do choose to go back on the medication, I feel like I need to take the medication to alleviate my moods or to feel like I am taking it to make me happy when I am not, I'll identify that and will cease. Withdrawals in and of themselves are enough to make me no longer want to take the medication, then have to go off of it in such a sudden manner. If I do have to go back on it, and I am on it for an extended period again, I'd rather detox slowly, as I have done on my own previously.

But...no matter how this may read, as of right now, I am done with the drug. I am going to approach therapy and non opiates like they are my only options.

With that said, I will say something that may get me a few frowns, or a few smiles.

I don't think I am an addict. I think I made some stupid decisions starting with stoping my Depakote.

Wish me luck.
God Bless.

[Gooch]

Luck! .... and healthy choices!

However things turn out, you have friends here now.

I can appreciate your perspective and the turn of events that led up to your questioning it all.

Last night I had such a migraine if I had had a vicodin, I would have taken it just to be able to get some sleep. ( I wouldn't want a bottle of them around though, unles the top had a combination lock and I didn't have the combo)

I made do with 3 advil, heating pads, and thank heavens I have tolerant loved ones who recognize my irritability isn't directed at them. Got a few hours of sleep this morning and have been feeling much better. Thats the way it goes when your old and have abused your bod the way I did.

Another day in the life. Thanks for being part of it.

[skskshy]

Thanks, Gooch. One thing I can be confident about. I won't be leaving this forum anytime soon. I find the human interaction and the outlet to vent some of my pains and frustrations very therapeutic.

And I know about having a migraine and needing something for it. I get migraines behind my right eye fairly commonly, that culminates in head pounding maddness. When I was on my Oxy, they still came, and I did the same thing you did...thought about what I had in the cabinet and thought about taking something to knock me out so I could sleep. Never did though...always managed to sorta lumber through it and finally sleep it off. I have taken imitrex on several occasions when I start getting to that point where my wife says I go that scares her. I get like a rabid, cornered dog when my pain levels get to high. I have an unusually high tolerance for pain, but shattered knees, verterbrae, discs, rheum arth, torn muscles, several dislocations, and more hyperextensions than I care to remember are more than I can deal with on a daily basis and still smile like I just got a free lollipop at the bank.

And I guess your right about being in the shape we're in because of abusing your body. When I went to my 30 yr phsyical with my doc, he told me I had the body of a 60 year old from the abuse I had handed it for nearly two decades. He's a prominent doctor here in Indy that also treats some of the local NFL players, and he once told me my joints resembled a 50 yr old retired linebacker that he was treating. One thing I teach my kids now is that your stuck with this body for up to 75 years or so...treat it nice. No three story jumps just because you can kinda stuff.

And I hate to ask this because I don't want to appear to be trying to woo you over to the dark side with me, but you sound to me like you have nearly as much or maybe as much a legitimate reason to be on some sort of medication as me (and there is honestly not a lot of us). Have you tried the system that I might try in the future, having someone else dispense your medications from another location? Or do you fear that once you take, you will seek the drug? I feel 100% confident that I could go back on my medications once my Depakote levels are sufficient and have my wife hide the meds and dispense and know that I would never look for them in the house or outside. I'm only fairly confident that I could go back to managing myself, but I am very self doubting right now. But I wouldn't get them illegally or tear the house up trying to find them. I know I wouldn't. I'm simply not that driven (and I'm kinda lazy...lol...).

Just a question...hope I'm not offending....

[skskshy]

Anyone interested in this thread, the story continues in my "Tired of reading my crap?" post