Defective.

[namommy]

I need to talk about this. For the most part, over the past few months, with the exception of a few issues, I have been feeling very balanced, and spiritually centered. No great highs or terrible lows. I have just felt "OK" and I have been loving it.

Well, everything in life is temporary, including balance and being centered. Since last night or actually if I think about it, since tuesday, my defects have been slowly coming to the forefront and have managed to get right up in my face. It's like they are right here in front of me going "Na, Na, Na, here we are". The only miracle is, I have not acted on them, YET. I am feeling quite unmanagable, and I am not liking it very much, it does not feel good. I just got off the phone with my sponsor and I told her, that I see and feel my defects, but I am obviously not ready to have God remove them, or I would have already been on my knees practicing my 7th step. I haven't gotten on my knees at all today. I haven't gone to God humbly or otherwise for anything today.

I went to the meeting tonite, and in my mind I managed to character assasinate all by 1 person at that meeting. I found something negative to think about each person in that room, those sharing and those sitting quietly. I don't like this.

Please, pray for me. Ask God to make me willing to have ALL of my defects of character removed. I really need it, I don't want to act out.

Thanks

Laurie

[sherbear5104]

Laurie,

You're in my prayers tonight.

Sherry

[ted]

(((LAURIE)))

[best]

Originally Posted by namommy

Please, pray for me.

That I will do

Ask God to make me willing to have ALL of my defects of character removed.

this I won't do. It is something only you can do.

I really need it, I don't want to act out.

Thanks

Laurie

and seems we are both in the same boat. Have been seeing a few of mine pop out here and there as well.
Have found that when I give in to some of them...even just one...

The need to paddle back up stream gets tough.

A prayer for strength for us both. No... For all of us. God knows we can all use more strength at any one given time. As it is needed, He will give it.

[bubblze30]

Namommy for years we didn't recognize our charecter defects. We couldn't see much of anything while we were using. You have time clean now and you can see these things coming. You are aware of these defects and to be aware is to be alive. You being aware of it enables you to find a way to work on it and give it over to the care of god. It is but yet another milestone in your recovery. You work on what you are seeing. Don't do it alone. You calling your sponcer and going to meeting is great. So many of us when feeling this would stop meetings and isolate until bam it gets real thick and we are stuck. So know that you will be alright. You are aware of the issue. You have lots of recovery on your side and recovering people to help you through. As long as you don't use I can gaurentee that when you come out of this test you will be stronger for the next when ever god descides to test you. Like me I view them as tests. I feel them comeing, I talk about them, I ask for help and I find a solution. Making it all the more easy the next time around. I hope you understand what I am saying. I am not always good putting words down on paper or the puter. Prayers are with you. Now it's up to you to trust in your higher power he will guide you along with your friends in here and in meetings.

[namommy]

Thanks everyone,

I find it amazing that when we seek solutions, they are usually right in front of us. I realized that yesterday, I didn't even read the JFT meditation. Last night when I read it I had to laugh, how did God know that was what I needed at that moment, and directed me to it. I printed it out (can't find my book since we moved) and meditated on it. Last night I prayed and tried to meditate, but fell asleep. I woke up this morning with this clarity.

I know why I feel this way!!

This happens every year at this time. Hunting season opens next week, and this week is the week my husband and son go scout the woods and set their stands. It is the beginning of spending my weekends alone for the next 4 months. (not all, but alot). I get a little out of sorts every year when this happens, and it is usually the night before they are leaving or the day they are leaving that I turn into a Psycho puppy and flip out trying to find a reason for him to stay home. Every year we go through this and we sit down and agree on the amount of weekends away that we are both comfortable with and every year I don't like it. Once he is gone, and I have the freedom to go to hang out with people before or after the meeting, go to marathon meetings, or just go to the diner after the meeting, I love it. It's just getting past the initial good-byes. (can you tell I won't have the kids this weekend either) I should be and eventually will be grateful for the time off, and I am aware now so it will come sooner.

Thank you all for your support.

[Gooch]

Hey Laurie ....

You haven't acted out on those defects... God's allready working on removing them.

I was in the same boat.... There'd be a body count by now if God hadn't granted me the awareness of having the choice to act on them. Part of being human is having character defects. Nobody said it was going to be easy to live with them.

If God removed all of our character defects at once so we didn't even feel them, we wouldn't need to keep turning our will over. (That and the shock would probably traumatize us )

We wouldn't need to go to meetings, or have a sponsor, or work the steps, or log onto our pc in the middle of the night to seek reassurance from each other that we are right where we are supposed to be. The newcomer would be screwed. You and I would have been screwed.

When we turn our will over thats when we ewalize we don't have to act out on them or if we have acted out on them, then we know we have an ammend to make. And thus by this example you and I can relate to each other within the all inclusive identification as addicts.

I remain paradoxically frustrated and grateful simultaneously.

[ted]

SO GLAD YOU FOUND OUT WHAT IT IS THAT'S MAKING YOU UNCOMFORATABLE.
FOR SO LONG I USED TO ESCAPE FEELING ANYTHING.
HUNTING,AN INSTINCT FOR MEN.
HOPEFULLY THE FREEZER WILL BE FULL.
GOOD PLAN ON YOUR DOING MORE FOR YOUR RECOVERY.
HANG TOUGH LAURIE ......................ted

[splendra]

((((((Laurie)))))))-

I think you are very aware of your defects...... maybe it is not awareness but surrender that you need..... we all know that feelings although they stare us in the face and hurt that they do not always represent truth. Are you feeling insecure? Well what is the truth? The truth is that your husband loves you and has no intention of abandoning you. Are you going to be a little lonely without him on these weekends? Perhaps...are these real defects?
As Far as you finding something wrong with everyone at the meeting is there not something in that about how you beat yourself up? What are you trying to control? Is surrender applicable here?((((((BIG HUG))))))

[namommy]

Gooch,

"I remain paradoxically frustrated and grateful simultaneously"... I love it!! where do you come up with this stuff. I need to commit that one to memory.

Ted,
Yes, the freezer gets full every fall and winter. And, this year I may get something extra out of it. I decided I would like to try tanning a hide by myself. I bought 2 tanning kits (in case I screw up) and plan on trying this year. Maybe I will find a neat hobby and get a nice deerskin throw out of the deal.

Splendra,
It is absolutely insecurities coming to the surface. Some of the insecurities that I still carry from my active addiction. But, I doubt if I will be lonely this weekend, I already made plans to take some newcomer women to a learning day in Philly on Saturday. All day meetings on the 12 steps, 12 traditions, and the H.O.W. of the program. I am also going to get to hang out with my old sponsor (who I haven't seen in about 3 years).

It is just a major case of psyco puppy :asthanos: coming out to play.

Thanks everyone.

[ted]

[ssindi]

NA Mom I know what your talking about I have to watch that I'm going to be similar situation soon. My husband is a big hunter, plus a firefighter and work a lot of trades just to be able to go hunting and the cabin.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better and little more focused.
Now if I could only get focused on this situation in my life, being laid off, I'd have it made.

[Gooch]

Glad to hear you threw out that "beat yerself" stick! Now forget where you threw it so you can't pick it up again.

[namommy]

Originally Posted by Gooch

Glad to hear you threw out that "beat yerself" stick! Now forget where you threw it so you can't pick it up again.

That location is probably one of the few things I can remember.lol

[recovering too]

Hi,
As a addict I too have good day and bad days that seem to sometimes last for weeks. My sponsor tells me when the pain out weighs the pleasure I will become will to dig deep to get rid of which that continues to keep me prisoner within myself. I am going to pray for you to become willing and to let go of the fears that keep you holding on to those defects. Prayer always works. And remember our worse days clean is better than our best days high.
recovering too