Is it unfair to expect him to stop too???

[jpc2505]

My boyfreind and I have used cocaine on a regular basis since the night we met, three years ago. I decided 4 days ago that I'd had enough and it was time to actively pursue sobriety. I'm looking for a new job (I'm a bartender, not the best environment to stay sober in), I'm going to meetings, changed my diet to help with the physical symptoms, and honestly have no desire to touch cocaine again. I don't know if something just clicked in me, but I've never even considered quitting, just on occasion wanted to slow down. This was initially something we decided on together, even planning meeting times and such together. But, after day one, J had a change of heart. He now says he has no desire to quit altogether, and has been really angry the last few days. I found out today that two major bills that he'd told me had been paid are several months overdue, and we are very much in debt. I have put myself in the position of being financially dependant on him, and to be honest he's my only freind now that I'm not in touch with the "drug friends". Am I wrong to expect him to stop at the same time I did? I feel like a hypocrite for being frustrated with him, but it would be so wonderful if he'd quit with me. J has been using for 10 years...in that time the longest he's gone without cocaine is 90 days, and that was in jail. His longest clean time without jail is one week. I could really use some advice. I feel like such a sh*t for condemning him for something I was doing last week!!

[best]

You both agreed, he changed his mind.

Till he is ready and willing he won't stop.
Your recovery is the important step for right now. He will need deal with his own recovery.
Is it unfair to "expect" ...Well no. Just not realistic to expect.
It would be realistic to request but leave it at that. You can't yell him into stopping, can't force him into stopping, can't stop what 90 days behind bars didn't stop. It needs be his choice.

Read some more here but also keep up on staying clean and sober for you.
Your own recovery is the only thing you can expect anything out of.

[margo]

Hi jpc, and congrats on your 4 days! My husband and I used coke and crack on a regular basis from the day we met. I quit using and drinking just over a year ago, and he kept right on, even though he'd said many times that he wanted to stop too. I resented him so much for continuing on after I'd stopped, but in hindsight I now know that it was unrealistic of me to expect him to stop too, and I should have known from my own experience that nothing and no one could make me stop until I'd had enough. It was very difficult for me to stay clean with it going on right under my nose and the temptation to use with him again was overwhelming at times. Also, whenever I tried to get him to understand how I felt about what he was doing, the reply was always "I guess it was okay when YOU were doing it." It hadn't been okay for a long time, but trying to get him to see my point of view was like banging my head on a brick wall. The only way I could stay clean was to seek help and support from Narcotics Anonymous, and through the program I have been clean for over a year now. I finally had to ask him to leave in June as I just couldn't take it any more - trying to live in recovery with a using addict in the same house is extremely difficult, if not impossible, and after 11 months of clean time I had to ask him to find his own place.

My best advice is to prepare yourself for a rocky road ahead. It's really good that you are looking for further employement - I hope you can find something where you can support yourself so that you aren't financially dependent upon him for support. Focus on your recovery as much as possible, make your meetings, and find a sponsor and a support group to help you when the going gets rough. I know how lonely it can feel in your situation, 'cause I felt the same way too. He was the only person I knew once the drug "friends" had gone, and I was too new in NA to call anyone friend. However, I just kept going back and found new friends, friends who truly cared about me and what I was going through, and who helped me stay clean. You can do it too!

Keep coming back, jpc - support is very important, and you'll get lots of that here!

Love and hugs!

[jpc2505]

Thanks for the support and advice, I'm glad to say I have good news to update. I talked with Josh for hours this morning and he told me the bills were an honest mistake, that our check hadn't cleared and was returned and he had called them last week to straighten it out...he just hadn't wanted to worry me with it. I called the phone company and he was telling the truth! Yay! I told him that I was worried he was using since he'd changed his mind about going to meetings with me, and he offered to take a drug test and said that maybe the meetings would help us out! I'm sooo happy I could cry right now!