Need some experience with sponsorship.

[namommy]

I am currently sponsoring a woman who is really challenging my serenity. I have been sponsoring her for a little while now, but I don't seem to be getting through. She has been coming to meetings since Dec. but she comes to every meeting high. A few months ago she decided she didn't want to do that anymore, and she kicked heroine cold turkey. But then she started drinking everyday, and coming drunk. Then she stopped that, but now she is taking prescription pain meds every day and showing up high on them. The other night, not only did she show up high and disrupt the meeting (as she always does), but she brought drugs into the meeting and started to take them out of her purse in front of everyone. I chewed her a new a$$hole about that. I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I just don't know what else I can say or do to try to help her. I know she is not going to get it until she is ready to. but, I feel very strongly about her disrupting the meetings (getting up and down and making coffee, yelling out at inappropriate times, talking to whoever is sitting around her, etc) and also about her bringing drugs to the meetings. I am torn here because I believe we never turn anyone away. She obviously has the DESIRE to stop using or she wouldn't keep coming back. But she is really causing alot of other newcomers to struggle. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Moontime]

I've been in a similar situation, and when I'm asked to be a sponsor, my first reaction (installed upon me by sponsor) is that "it's an honor". However, when a sponsee is toxic and hasn't changed and doesn't follow suggestions, I need to ask myself, is this relationship bringing me closer or further away from recovery. I ask this question in all aspects in my life. If my sponsee is making my life unmanageable, then I need to voice opinion and if he's not willing to follow suggestions, then I can't help him, and have to cut times. That's just my opinion.

[Shakur T.]

Tough call, kid...I have a similar experience with a sponsee also. He just went back into treatment (in NY, thank God) again. I was torn by the fact that he kept seeking recovery and he kept using...I remember how it was for me, so I keep trying to help, but it was really fu**ing with my head. I finally had to just tell him how I felt: "Like I'm here for you, but you got to be here for yourself. I need to put my recovery first or I can't help the addict who still suffers. There are certain things that you cannot do, like make the meeting place unsafe for others. If you want to stop, I'm here for you, If not, there is nothing I can do or say that will help."
You are pretty smart and live a good, quality program. Pary and do what you can. Let the rest go.
Love & respect, Shakur

[servicejunkie]

I sponsor several guys in my area, but have yet to have one as you describe. I just wanted to state that because I don't have direct experience with your situation. I believe a sponsor is there for the sponsee to use when they are ready. If a sponsee is not willing to take suggestions or guidance from their sponsor, then are you really "sponsoring" them??????? As our first tradition states, "our common welfare should come FIRST". Bringing drugs into a meeting is a no no, and can definately endanger the fellowship as a whole and is not looking out for our common welfare. This seems like an issue to bring up at your local ASC meeting to get some other groups input, because it does affect them also. I believe my group would be tempted to ask that individual to leave the meeting if they had drugs or paraphanalia on their person. I have yet to have to let a sponsee go, so I don't know how to do that or what to suggest for you to do. If its affecting your personal recovery or sanity, it might not be a bad idea to cut the ties. My time is valuable and I don't wan't to waste it on someone who doesn't want recovery. That may sound harsh or arrogant, but there are many people out their who DO want recovery who could make better use of my time.

[godsonmyside]

TOUGH LOVE!!!!! If you want to live like a dope fiend, then live like a dope fiend, do cry to me about it, Yes sponsors do have to let sponsee'e go. If you use while I sponsor you, simple, Don't do it again!!! If you continue, I can only help you by letting you go, it is very obvious I'm doing you no good. It's harsh, but it is also REALITY.

[WeDoRecover]

Wow- I thought I had a nightmare of a sponsee! I was just about to post about her too...

I might be answering my own question by responding to your post but my opinion is that my own recovery and serenity come first. At the point where the relationship no longer feeds our soul, we have to move on. For some reason, there is a sense of entitlement for some people when it comes to sponsor/sponsee relationships. I don't believe that sponsorship is unconditional. I am not a garbage can. I was taught by one of my first sponsors (during a time when I couldn't stay clean) that when I was willing to NOT use and WORK the steps, she would be willing to sponsor me. Until then, I could complain and report to just about anyone else but she wasn't listening anymore.

Good luck. Let me know what you do because I'm in a very similar situation.

[Gooch]

Bringing drugs into a meeting not only disrespects everyone else there but puts the entire group in jeopardy as well as the meeting facility.

[Imagine]

The group needs to address the bringing drugs into the meeting. My home group makes it clear at the begining of the meeting that you will be ask to leave, and if your useing don't share but get with someone after to meeting. We are all here for the newcomers because our recovery does comes first. Good luck with this, and know you and her are both in my paryers...............................Peace.