Anyone Codependent?

[annabella]

I was wandering if any one here was also codependent. I am very very codependent and my boyfriend, who is an addict, can't understand some of the things I do and say, on the other hand, I can't understand the things he does and says. I feel I am just as much as a mess as he is (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually).

I would just like to know if any of you are addicts and codependent, and how you think both situations are similiar and how they are different.

[Paulie]

Okay, when I read the title of this thread I had to laugh. Not at you, but at the thought of me saying NO. LOL.

What I have learned is that most addicts (female) and I say most, not all, are codependent also. I have a wonderful sponsor who reminds me of this all the time. I have a wonderful husband who reminds me of it sometimes too .

My addictive personality and codependency all come from the same place for me. They come from my lack of selfesteem self worth, my need to control everything so that I know it is done my way, etc. etc. etc, I could go on for days.

The bottom line is that I practice on a daily basis taking care of myself first. What are you doing to take care of yourself? I can't let wondering what he is doing or why he is doing it take up space in my head. It has to come from within me, the confidence I have in myself
I don't think I am even answering your question, or really if I even know how.
I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. But the biggest relief I received was when I stopped trying to figure everything out. I fall back into it sometimes, but not having to figure everything out brings me peace today.

[Gooch]

in my opinion it's the same process that makes an addict an addict and a codependant a codependant..

addict .. : if I can just get take the right combination of drugs, or grab the lucky scratchoff, or stash enough money in the bank, hookup wit the right partner, or pull the perfect heist.... then everything will be ok

codie...... : If I can just say the right thing, fix him/her the right dinner, get the house perfectly clean, send them to the right rehab, etc... then everything will be ok.

am I close?

[Paulie]

Ding Ding....give the man a prize!!!!

[Gooch]

I always hated quadratic equations...

these are like the emotional equivalent.

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by Gooch

I always hated quadratic equations...

these are like the emotional equivalent.

[brookelea]

Thank you very much for this post. It is something I have been struggling with and am in a huge quandry over at the moment. I am a recovering addict (7 years) myself and have been EXTREMELY codependent as well. I have learned a few things this past year about why I am both. I feel at this point that alot of my codependent traits spurred on my addiction.

At the same time I am dealing with my current husband (#2) who is an addict who has admitted he knows he is addicted and needs help, yet wont actually DO anything for himself.

Gooch's first post made me laugh for the first time in 3 days. EXACTLY the thoughts going through my head lately on the codependent issue. And completely the behavior my husband has had the past 3 years in being an addict. I guess it has been a while since I had focused on what it was like in my own initial recovery and when my addiction was running rampant. I had lost sight of that having not attended a NA or AA meeting in quite a few years, and just recently joining this board again.

I know being here is going to help greatly with my perspective on my situation and I thank every one of you for reminding me what are common traits in both issues and that being female I have both traits very common to my makeup.

Brooke

[annabella]

I am starting to believe that I am the physchotic one in the relationship!! It is weird because all the things I say and do are almost exact replicas of what he says and does just with a few word substitutes.

I was basically an addict without using. I ran for him, i coped for him, I begged, pawned, borrowed money for him, quit taking care of myself, quit hanging out with family and friends, let myself go, helped him scheme, made my whole life this, and the whole time I hated but never could make myself stop doing it. Then I made him pay for it by screaming, crying, criticizing, being a hipocrit. Give him money and then scream at him for using. I was an emotional wreck. Laughing when I wanted to cry and crying when I wanted to laugh. For me, it has been very hard to get a grip on my uncontrollable life, but I am finally doing it. And finally I feel a little bit of peace in myself, which I never ever thought would happen.

It just seems like very similiar things. The only major difference I could think of, is the physical part. You are not "physically" hurting yourself. You do not physically get sick when you take the addict away.

[noifs2day]

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.
------ This is Melody Beattie's Definition author of Co-Dependent No More.

Annabella,
Sometimes, all we have to do is live with the disease of addiction or alcoholism to become sick. If you think you are or think you could be co-depedent. Try Melody's book or go to coda.org to learn more. --- Keep posting!

For me, I was usually too busy trying to make sure everyone elce's needs were met so that I would have a good day. Me having a good day used to be dependent on them having a good day. I didn't realize that had needs. At the time I couldn't think of any, and if I did, I figured it could wait. Their needs were far more important than mine. I let things go, I let my self go, but I couldn't give up the control to let go and let my Higher Power do miricles.

Whew I am soooooo greatful for 12-step recovery! :boat "Ain't no-body gonna rock my boat, ain't nobody gonna slow me down... oh no.. I am in recovery!" Oh silly me. Forgive me please, I feel a little kookie tonight.

[CodeBeauty27]

To all the people that are co-dependant I think I am as well.Please respond to me and hear my story.

[Peter]

Addiction to drugs and Codependency are similar in the sense that:

A drug addict needs drugs to feel good about themself

A Codependent relies on the approval of others to feel good about themself.

In a way you can say that they are both addictions: One is addiction to drugs the other addiction to persons.

While a drug addict CAN and MUST avoid drugs at all costs in other to find recovery the codependent cannot in most liklihood avoid contact with people for the rest of their lives. Treatment then for the Codependent is rather a matter of learning how to control how other peoples attitudes and moods affect them.

The 12 Step Fellowship od CODA can help you if you think you have a problem.

[sarahlynnl]

I have a co dependency problem cause I know during my marriage I put his happiness before mine. I also believe my ex has a co dependency problem too for right after the divorce he hooked up with someone else. Thankful for the site and also for Alnon meetings for they are really helping to be remember to put God first in my life and that he will take care of everything.

I'm also an ACOA and my divorce even though it was needed for me has brought up old wounds from my dad that I am having to deal with and it is making the divorce harder to take cause of my issues of abondment that I know my kids are going to be facing.

My ex is using but before we seperated he was having other not very good addictions which makes me feel sorry for his soon to be wife for she doesn't know what she is getting into. He is in one of his nice guy stages right now and I'm sure all of you remember what that is like for the people around them.

Hugs,
Take it one day at a time which is what I am doing.

[lightseeker]

I think that it is all more alike than it is different. I am a full blown codie with addict tendencies (high bottom). My abf is an addict with codie tendencies. I see so many similarities in both of us. Right now he is only going to addict meetings but he could also find a home in Alanon. I go to Naranon and Alanon but definitely feel at home at addict meetings. Most of us grew up in dysfunctional homes (aren't all of them anyway?) so the underpinnings of both are in all of us. Lots of times addicts need to get enough recovery in them to recognize codie issues. Same for the "other side of the street". I had to laugh when my HP led me to an AA meeting by accident and I felt an instant kinship. Recovery is recovery....whether you are addicted to people, places, or things. A daily struggle it is......take care, Donna