Trying to understand addiction

[jpmac]

I would love some advice on how to understand Heroin addiction. I just found out my brother is an addict. We grew up in a home where my father was an alcoholic and He didn't sober up until we were teenagers, but when he did he was an amazing father and role model. So understanding my father's struggle, I saw my brother use it as an excuse, but alcohol is socially acceptable so most people accept it. When my brother went into rehab for alcohol abuse the first time I just thought it was like what my dad went through and he would eventually sober up like my dad. But my brother just got out of rehab in April for the second time we thought this was it, b/c he checked himself in. But now it seems he met a woman who was there at the same time for heroin abuse. They started dating, and within a few weeks he was already shooting up with her. I just can't wrap my mind around the thought of it. You see my brother has always been extremely square. He wouldn't even smoke pot. So now I am struggling trying to understand what he is doing to himself.

How do I help him? I am trying to understand in order to be supportive, but since I found out I can't bring myself to call him, b/c I don't know what to say to him. He has two of the most beautiful children who are heartbroken without him in their life. As a sober person I know it is easy for me to look at the reason why he shouldn't be doing this to himself. Where he is only seeing the reasons why it is ok to throw his life away. I know I am starting to babble now, but I just don't know how to stop thinking about him and if I will ever have my brother back. We lost our dad seven years ago, I don't want to lose him too, eventhough it feels like he is already gone. So if there is anyone out there that can help I would appreciate it.

Thank you

[splendra]

jpmac-

Having a father who was a drinker and now dead and 3 siblings who are drug addicts I can really relate to what you are feeling. I nearly drove myself insane trying to get them clean. I had to start going to naranon and alanon so I could get my head and heart back. It has been very hard for me to accept that they are going to keep using until they want to stop and that the only thing I can do is stay out of the way of their using and not allow them to use me to contribute to their using. I cannot let them come over to my house because if they know where I live they will rip me off. If I go around them I keep my purse locked in the trunk of my car and my keys on my body. Even they agree that it is what I need to do when I am around them.

It is so sad to see that most of my family is lives for dope. But, I choose to live for life and to be at peace. Believe me I could get extreemly upset if I let myself. I love them so much! I am resigned to knowing I will never be able to understand why they use. I will pray for you and your brother will you do the same for my sister and 2 brothers?

[jasonl82]

I completely agree with splendra, you can't force another addict to get clean it's something they have to want for themselves. I myself only got clean a hundred days ago and that was the second time. My mom is an active alcoholic and I just try my best to help her when she asks for it but I don't tell her to stop drinking because that would only make things worse. Just keep praying and god will take care of the rest, imho.

[bikewench]

Hey JP...

A warm welcome to Sober Recovery.

If you want to understand addiction... then start looking at the disease of Co-dependancy.
I highly recommend the book Understanding Co-dependancy by Sharon-Wegscheider-Cruse and Joseph Cruse
It's natural to look at snippits of a person's life and then lay the responsibility of where there are solely at their feet... but it's a much bigger issue than that. It's about generations of shame and the inability to deal with one's emotions among other things.

But... their adults now... right? They should know.. they should be able to straighten up.

I think the opposite is true.

Years of piling unfelt emotions ontop of childhood issues builds more and more pressure inside some people... and they have to use twice as hard to keep the debilitating emotions at bay.

Add to this mix another addict or controlling person... and you get both sides of the codependancy issue... using and controlling. And people can groove on this for years... going back and forth... feeding each other dysfunction that keeps them using or focused on the user.

It helped me somewhat to understand this... although it is still very new to me... and I am still very hurt when the addict I'm focused on is doing his thing. But.. I know where to look for answers now.

I hope you keep coming back to read and share your angst... for that is a mirror that others can use to see...

Blessings on your brother... may he find his way out of his own personal hell on earth.

[In memory of miracle]

I know how hard it is to watch our loved ones use , its like watchin a plane crash .I guess the trick is to keep taking care of ourselves and find a way to be reasonably happy in spite of their addictions . Prayers to you and your brother .. always here to listen , trish

[Gooch]

welcome jp! It's hard enough for the addict to understand their addiction, let alone the family members and people who love them.

The simplest explanation I have ever heard is that addiction is an active attempt to change the way one feels through outside means.

I understand addiction to be the all encompassing term that covers alcoholism, all kinds of substance dependancy, codependancy, problem gambling, workaholism, man and woman chasing, religious fanatacism, and any sort of behaviour that becomes obsessive/compulsive so as to cause harm to the individual and others.

I always felt an emptiness inside that could never be sated. Buddha said that the reason is our inability to accept our place in the universe.

I found my answer at Narcotics Anonymous. They helped me find the tools to first stop using, then remain abstinant and connected, as I found a new way of incorporating acceptance and peace into my life.

You may find the understanding you seek through the interaction with other family members on the friends and families forums here.

[jpmac]

I just want to thank you all for taking the time to reply to my message. It really helps to know that there are people in this world that care as much about others as I do, who are willing to take the time to offer understanding and peace of mind.
It has taken me many years to shed the burden of feeling responsibility and guilt for my family. But even that flows in cycles. Just when I feel I can sit back and relax that all is right in the world, the universe snaps me back into reality. Life and the lives of others are not always what they seem. We can really hide alot when we want to and I just felt blindsided by my brother. He perpetuated this completely ficticous life that set himself up on a pedestal, and the rest of the family feeling inadequate compared to his success. I was so proud of him and several times caught myself doubting my own worthiness. So when I found out about the true state of his life. The guilt came back, b/c what if... (the control freak comes out in me...thinking there is actually something I could of done to stop him.) But I know deep down inside it is not my fault or responsibility. I really care so much about him and his children that I just wish it could be different.
Our paths in life take us in many directions and I have learned to choose and not let failure control me and determine my self worth. The path to self discovery is often painful. Or to quote the book "Seat of the Soul" - Life is Suffering. Right now though it feels as if it is harder to watch others suffer than it is to suffer myself. B/c I feel so helpless.
Thank you again to everyone who took the time and offered to me your kindness and wisdom. I wish I may be able to offer the same to you sometime.
Peace and love

[jpmac]

I really get what you have to say. It's a cycle that continually gets perpetuated and in my brothers case alcohol and drugs are the vehicle of his choosing. He has always kept things bottled up and had trouble expressing himself, or rather finding his true self. He has always tried to be liked by others and felt not good enough. Which I don't know anyone that hasn't felt the same. He has become a victim. Everything out of his mouth is that it is everyone else's fault and that he feels no responsibility for the choices he's made. He brings up things from childhood that are completely distorted and untrue. It makes me doubt situations that myself and my siblings went through as well. He acts as if we weren't there and he is the only one who suffered. I don't know if it is just years of being depressed and drinking that have done this to him, or if he has done it to himself to convince himself that it is ok to be an addict. But is this behavior normal? Is this what it is like for other addicts?

[bobbyd]

Here's a little different perspective on the problem with your brother.
About 10 months ago my little sister disclosed to me about her pill addiction.
At first it didn't sound that bad, but after a couple weeks of inquiring about her she finally told me the whole truth- she was taking 20 to 30 pills a day and using her work as a means to get more. She could have gone to jail and had other serious consequences because of her addiction.
It took a couple more weeks to convince her to go to treatment.
I was willing to fly from FL to NC if necessary. I got my parents involved. They went to see her. She went into treatment and celebrated 9 months clean last month.
I feel very fortunate and I am very happy for her and her family because I know it doesn't always work out this way.
I was willing to do everything in my power to help her and had to leave the rest up to God.
Maybe you can talk some sense into your brother and point out how he is ruining his children's lives.
I have been a member of NA for quite some time now and I know that it is ultimately up to the addict to help themselves, but it took a close family member to point out what I was doing to myself and the same goes for my sister.
Don't give up on your brother. Take hime to an NA meeting or get him to a treatment center if you can.
Good luck and God Bless,
bobbyd

[jpmac]

I spoke to my brother this weekend for the first time since I found out he was using heroin. He was very blunt and somewhat honest with me I suppose, but how much of what he says can I really believe. He gave me some honest answers I believe, and yet I am sure a lot of what he says is just to make me feel better. (as if that is possible.) He says he wants help and then on the other hand he did the same when he was just drinking. There was something else that he said that bothered me, and I am hoping that someone will be able to enlighten me a little on what it really means. We were discussing his triggers for drinking, and I began to ask him about his trigger for using dope, and he said he liked the way the needle felt. What is that about? Is it the immediate rush of the drug entering the body or is it another addiction entirely? B/c I know his body is addicted to the drug b/c he said he gets sick if he tries to stop, but is it now a psychological addiction to the actual needle?
Also my mother and her fiance want to do an intervention with him. Do you think it will work? I know ultimately it has to be his choice, but is there anything else that we can do to help him get and stay clean? Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Gooch]

In the NA Basic Text it talks about "the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more". Addicts are hooked into the thrill of the chase as well. All of the little things that led up to the buzz, ( copping, making the calls to see who's holding what, looking at the bagggie, setting up the paraphenalia) are part of the ritulistic behaviour that we associate with the release of the chemical.

I was still taking the occasional cruise through the hood many years after I got clean.

I knew that my recovery was moving forward when one night it didn't even occur to me to drive through and several weeks later I knew that that obsession "to see what's up" had been lifted in addition to the obsession to use the dope.

I'm not sure but this may be what he is talking about.

[amie_va]

I want so badly to hug your brother. I know this is torturous for you and your family, but I also know the complete despair that goes along with wanting to stop and not wanting to stop, and struggling against what seems to be your nature. I pray for you to remain understanding and compassionate, and for you to find some solace in the words " we do recover". Mainly, though, I pray that your brother comes to a place where he can find some peace. Miracles happen every time an addict walks into a room and surrenders to life. NA will be there for him when he's ready.