May I Ask A Question??

[DDEE]

My fiance is an addict of crack. He went thru a rehab in may we had our son in june. He was sober until mid july every since then he hasnt been able to get bk on track.. he does attend meetins every week,but no longer has a sponsor. we are planing to get married in nov.. if he can stay sober. yesterday he was suppose to be goin to a church meeting at 530 he still isnt home.. my ? is should i take him bk and keep standing by him or is it more helpful to put him out and stop making it easy for him to use? he had 2 wks recvery this time and seem to be doing better. he got an advance from his boss at work around 6 or so yesterday eveing. his boss call this morning for work and i told him he didnt come home. so he told me about the loan. anyway just looking for opnions from those who are on the other side of the fence THANKS Ddee

[best]

What I would do or think isn't important. You are the one who needs to make that choice.
What I would say though.... Read some here on the Nar Anon board. Seek meetings in your area for you as well. Answers will come as you learn from the meetings. My giving an ok or saying no... well I don't live there. Your choice.

Just so you know... I am on the fence here. Not sure what I would do myself.
Tough choice. Your boundaries and what you want or are willing to live with may help you find your answer.

[servicejunkie]

DDEE, I would definately suggest posting your message on the Naranon or Alanon boards. There you will find MANY other people who have been in your shoes who can best help you. They will likely be able to give you better suggestions, as most all of them have experienced something similar to what you are dealing with.

[Chy]

Please check out the Nar-Anon forum.
I'm sorry about your situation, but he's going to have to figure this out, and it's up to you as to what you want to do about this relationship. You'll find a great deal of support here, glad you stopped by!

[DDEE]

I have been to the naranon board.. but my intent in posting here was to get the other side of the fences point of view. is it more helpful for someone to stand by you or to put u out of your comfort zone and stop making it easy for you to use? ive always heard that u have to hit rock bottom before u stop using. and although i know its his choice whether or not he uses.. im torn as to whether or not i stand or kick.

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by DDEE

is it more helpful for someone to stand by you or to put u out of your comfort zone and stop making it easy for you to use?

Alls I can share is my experience .. There were always family and friends who stood by me, accepted my flimsy "I'm sorries", loaned me money, let me take their cars, patted me on the head and said "Your a good guy we know you mean well".

One day I came home and there was a note on the tv.

"I've taken the baby and left, one of us is crazy and I have to get far enough away to find out who" ( turns out we were both nuts and still are. I can't say for sure but I don't believe she does alanon or nar anon. The sanest thing in my game these days is the Narcotics Anonymous program. She's been remarried twice and each time she picks a bigger psycho. I have a pretty good relationship with my daughter and a wonderful significant other today that calls me on my crap before i can get it started. lol)

It didn't happen overnight for me but I really believe that was the loud an clear "enough is enough" that helped me eventually find my way to recovery.

What was damn lucky for me was that there wasn't some other women standing there to pick me up and play the enabling role, or if there was I wasn't interested in anything but getting my wife and daughter back.

You'll know when your out of options. You'll try anything but your own best ideas.

[Recoveree]

Originally Posted by DDEE

I have been to the naranon board.. but my intent in posting here was to get the other side of the fences point of view. is it more helpful for someone to stand by you or to put u out of your comfort zone and stop making it easy for you to use? ive always heard that u have to hit rock bottom before u stop using. and although i know its his choice whether or not he uses.. im torn as to whether or not i stand or kick.

Normally I wouldn't be so blunt, but since you asked twice...

My 'side of the fence' is this....
Get away from this person until you know for fact he is at least 90 days clean. There is almost nothing you can do to get him to stop using, but I suspect that you do alot (unintentionally) to make it easy for him to keep using.
I would certainly put marriage out of my mind for now.


Good Luck