An Nar Anoner needs addicted's viewpoint, please

[Hangin' In]

I'm feeling disheartened this a.m. and thought I'd come here and post because I know my SR friends understand and ya'll have always shot straight with me.

AD has moved home, or closer to home, after being out of state for 15 months. Three months of that time was in rehab, the rest in a halfway house setting. The entire time she was there she was always wanting to come home. I was thankful for every minute she was there and for everyday sober. I still am.

So we moved her home. She stayed with us for a few weeks until she could move out to a place in a nearby town, the town where she first got into recovery. Now that is good and bad. Good because there is a great recovery community there who has always supported her. Bad because it's her old stomping ground.

Now that she's been living there for about 1 1/2 weeks, she is announcing to her dad and I that she is not happy, that she is 'white knucking' it, that she thinks she would be better off back where she was for 15 months. I can see part of her reasoning and even think it's true. She is now realizing how hard it is to stay clean where you once used. It is SO hard being the parent and NOT really knowing how much to believe of what she says. Since I'm not an addict, I don't know how hard it is for her living in the town she's in. We did discuss this before she moved home, but she was sure she could do it. That has changed now.

Now for the details. When she got home she wasn't attending meetings like she herself has told me she needs. She only got a sponsor after the woman who was renting to her (she's in the program, 17 yrs sober) told her she had to have a sponsor within 48 hrs. Yeah, I wasn't actually keeping a list.... , but I saw her slipping in working her program. But I didn't comment (yep, ya'll taught me something). Does seem like she's stepped up the pace working on her meetings and talking to her sponsor a little this last week.

So here I am, feeling like I'm back where we were 15 months ago when she was on the verge of relapse, and she did relapse. Last night we sat around the kitchen table, trying to talk reasonably (I'm not sure that can even be done with a sober addict...big sigh...) about what is best for her. Of course, she does NOT want to hear anything Mr. Hangin' and I have to say. In fact, PRIDE is oozing out of her. She only listens to the advice that she wants...and that includes from counselors, sponsors, us, etc. Pride has always been a huge problem for her. She admits it, but she cannot see or will not admit that she is just taking the parts of the program that she wants. And she wonders why she is white knuckling it?

Mr. Hangin and I are not giving her money to move back. So she says, "So what am I supposed to do? I'm afraid if I stay here I'm not going to stay sober." We reminded her that she knows where recovery is and that drinking will only make it worse. She knows. Good gosh, she knows! But what if her point is valid? I do know that everybody and their brother says you have to change your playground and playmates. I think she truly is being tempted being in this town with the triggers. Oh gosh, what do we do?

But I swear, there we sat last night talking with her and it was so similar to the conversation of 15 months ago. I'm so disheartened. 15 months of sobriety and I'm not seeing much growth or progress. At this pace, relapse is just around the corner. And I'm not being pessimisstic. I'm just going by past history and I know what I'm seeing.

Did I mention that there is a boy in the other town where she wants to return to???? Oh yeah, the ole "fill the void in my life with a boy", (a boy who everyone told her to distance herself from, including her sponsor and 2 counselors.) Would she listen? Of course not. She knows what is best. She had the gall to tell us last night that for the last 4 years she has lived her life to doing what we wanted and what would make us happy and now she wants to live her life making decisions that make her happy. Gosh, she must have missed the fact that Mr. Hangin' and I wanted her to attend college, stay involved in her church where people loved her and supported her, get rid of the loser b/f, etc. I can't list them all. We'd be here all day.

We honestly don't know what is the best thing to do. I do want her in the safest environment. So I'm calling in the troops. I need support, please.

[Shakur T.]

Peace,
How's it Hangin'? (sorry, I couldn't resist)
I am an addict. My name is Shakur, thanks for sharing your concerns...One of the things that I had to learn in recovery was how to let my loved ones be where they are. My parents had all kinds of advice for me on what I needed to do with my life. Their advice was positive and filled with love and concern, some I took and some I didn't. I can only imagine the pain and hopelessness they felt when they saw me about to make some mistake that (they thought) would cause me to relapse, because my track record clearly showed that I was incapeable of making good desicions on a regular basis. What they would soon come to understand is that I was responsible for my recovery, not them. I had to find out, sometimes through pain, what I could/couldn't do. My bottom line was staying clean (celebrating 16 years in Oct.). Your AD has 15 months clean. Maybe she kinda has a small idea about where she can do best...Maybe not. She seems to believe that it's her decision to make. Why not let her.

I am a parent of four daughters. I only want the best for them (as every parent should). To this date, none of them have had any problems with substance abuse. If that happens, I realize that I cannot spare them their pain, and that is a hard pill for a parent to swallow (but an easy one for an addict to understand). I can only pray, love and support. Sometimes from a distance.

Keep Hangin' In there. I don't know if I've helped you any. I only have my experience, strength and hope...
I pray for your family's peace.
Shakur, addict.
Shakur

[Paulie]

Hi Hangin -

Well my first reaction is to say if she wants to get sober and stay sober she can do that anywhere. I still live in the same place that I used for years. But my second reaction is that she is setting herself up for failure just by saying she can't stay clean where she is.

It might be the boy, it might be fear, it might be those things and lots of other things. What if you suggest to her that she has to earn part of the money to move back if that is what she wants. I don't know how old your daughter is but maybe that is an idea.

As you well know all you can do if pray for her. But I truly believe that if a person is going to use they will find it where ever they are. Yes it may be more difficult for some getting and staying sober in the same area they used in but for me it did not make a difference. Today I understand it was not about the drugs it was about me and my attitude towards life and myself. As long as I continue to work a program I will be fine, and so will your daughter. But you also know, she has to be willing to do the work.

God Bless you both.