I need you guys!!

[BrokenSpirit]

Maybe you guys can help me. I don't know where else to turn. I'm not exactly sure where to start. I guess I'll start by saying that it all began to fall apart about a month before I was about to get my 2 year keytag. I relapsed. I was SO full of self hatred and I was disappointed in myself. This was something that happened to other addicts.... not me!! Anyway.... from there, I never stopped using. I lied to everybody. And everybody knew it. I got SO tired of raising my hand in my home group for my one day key tag.

Anyway, my problems kept getting worse. I kept getting in accidents and I almost lost my job. With my last accident, the cop almost hauled me off to jail. I got EXTREMELY lucky. I guess he just didn't want the hassle of trying to prove I was high?? I don't know. Anyway, I ended up with points on my license for the first time in my life. I didn't even try to fight it, even though when I went down to pay the fine, they tried to talk me into talking to the cop. They told me how nice he was. Not to me he wasn't!! I was scared outta my mind!! I decided not to fight it.... I figured I deserved it anyway, even though I MAY have been able to bullsh!t my way out of it. That's what I do.

Anyway, before the accident, my sponsor was starting to get sick of my lies. I don't blame her. She did not want to be my sponsor anymore, but I talked her into keeping me as a sponsee. A couple of reasons she did not want to be my sponsor were that I was only going to one meeting a week, and that I was trying to withdrawl slowly off the pills. Yes, I am a pill popper. The reason for the slow withdrawl was because I heard you can have some serious seizures if you go cold turkey. I wasn't willing to chance it. And if I'm being honest, I really didn't want to go off of it all at once so yes, I had reservations.

BUT.... the biggest problem here for me is the one meeting a week. Since my last accident I have completely stopped going to NA. My main reason for this is the sponsor situstion. I am pretty torn up over this. My sponsor was not just a sponsor, or so I thought. She was my friend, or so I thought. I WAS SOOOO wrong. I have not heard a word from her since then. I wonder if she even knows I quit the program?? That really hurts?? Anyway.... back to the spoonsor thing. I don't think I can find a sponsor who will sponsor me unless I go to a meeting every single night. That is not a possibility for me. By the time I get home, give my cats their medications (they are really old & they're sick but doing good!!), get changed, it would be time to go. Then I'd come home & go to sleep. NO time for me!! WHAT kind of life is that for me?? I do NOT want to make NA my life.... no offense to NA!! I get obsessed with things too easily & I can see this happening.

While I'm on the subject, I know none of us have never felt like we've ever fit in anywhere. I'm an addict and I can't even seem to fit in with my own kind. Yes, I have a home group & everyone makes me feel welcome there, but do you think anyone even noticed I'm no longer there?? One of the guys there called me by mistake. He was looking for another guy, whose name is right under mine on our home group list. I told him I quit. He was distracted because his truck had broken down, but he told me I should stop by again. Our home group was fun & I'll miss it. We went out to eat after every meeting. The guys were really tight.... I was on the outside looking in, but I still had fun. I can't tell you how many people said this was not a good home group for me, but I didn't want a different home group. Maybe because for the longest time, I was the only woman in the home group?? Then one more joined, but I've never met a more self-righteous you-know-what in my life!! Sure, she's sweet to your face, but I can't stomach her!!

People keep telling me to hang with more women. The women my age or older (I'm 40), don't seem to want anything to do with me. Most of the women I talk to are in their 20's, and most of them mostly hang with their boyfriends. I pretty much have nobody. I never have anybody to call. The one friend I DID make moved away. We don't keep in touch anymore. I thought my sponsor was my friend (even before she was my sponsor), but I was wrong!!

I don't have any friends in OR out of the program. NOT ONE. And I'm no longer a part of NA because of the sponsor thing. It's obviously bothering me enouh that I felt the need to vent about it here. This is my first post. Thanks everyone who is still reading, for listening. I hope I made sense.

Any responses would be appreciated.

[BrokenSpirit]

Sorry about the spelling errors!! I should have read it before I hit send!!

[bikewench]

Hey gurl...
Welcome to Sober Recovery...

So... things aren't going so well for you eh?
Yeah... our lives would be WAY!!! more manageable if people would just do what we expect them to do.

;o)

Unfortuantely... it doesn't work that way.

As long as I keep my focus "other-ated".. and use that as an excuse to stay in my pain and my addcition... nothing will change.

Those that have walked the path before me have the experience of having a really good guess what it takes to get well.. and each of us has limited energy and resources ourselves.... so the smart ones use their energy and resources where they are going to see it is helping... not just going into the addictive black hole that they themselves are so familiar with because they also had to climb out of it themselves.

Now... I myself am powerless over my addiction... but I'm not powerless over getting help around it.

And if I just keep putting off my recovery in the hopes that the world will miraculously change to fit my concept of it.... well.... I predict I will die from my addictive disease.

We each have that choice.

[In memory of miracle]

Your post really struck me in that it sounded alot like I usto be before I surrendered to the program . I relapsed and had every excuse to keep using ,I knew I needed to go to meetings but I didnt " want " it . I had big denial and let my disease convince me I was truely different . I kept picking up and I kept getting the same results over and over .My suggestion to you is to get into a detox and stop playin around with this disease , cause its not playin with you , my progression went on and on thats what it does .I used everyday , found the time to do that , so I go to a meeting everyday , save your a$$ not your face ....I offer this to you in the spirit of love and concern , we need you too ...Trish

[bobbyd]

I am not passing judgement because I have felt the same way about the program and the people.
It was five years ago and at the time I was incapable of being completely honest with anyone, including myself.
When I tried coming clean and picked up a white keytag, there a few people that weren't so nice. Most people were understanding but I chose to focus on the few negatives.
I said f!uck this and tried working my own program.
Three years later I found myself hopelessly addicted to hydrocodone and valium and spending $600-$800 per month to support my habbit.
I stumbled back into NA December of 2002 and have been clean since.
This is what I discovered about my experience:
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me in the program.
I have to go for my recovery and not worry about what others might be saying. I am going there to save my life and it's not a joke.
I am not going there to make friends, or get laid. I go there to learn how to stay clean a day at a time. That's the only promise of the program- freedom from active addiction if I am willing to do the work.
And yes learning to be honest is hard work! It's called working steps.
If I make some friends ( and I have many now), that's a bonus.
Look at things from your sponsors point of view.
You lied about being clean. You are not unique, many of have done this, but your sponsor may just be trying to protect her own recovery.
Most people with significant clean time know they can't carry another addict.
I would suggest you put yourself before your cats and start going back to meetings and let people know you are hurting.
I have found the second time around to be awesome.
You are worth it.
Good luck and God Bless,
bobbyd

[BrokenSpirit]

Thanks for the welcome Bikewench!! I AM in my addictive black hole, I guess. I just don't know how to climb out of it. I've tried SO HARD to reach for a pair of hands, but as usual, none were there for me.

Nope, I know the world will not change for me or to fit my concept of it, and I DO try to go with the flow, but for whatever reason.... I don't know, I must be missing something. Again!!

Hi Miraclen!! We DO sound a lot alike. My now ex-sponsor called me the Queen of Excuses, lol. As for detox, the crisis is over. I WAS seeing a social worker who wanted me to go to intensive outpatient. I SHOULD have called, and never did. So I'm sitting here, wanting to use. I'm cut off by all of my doctors, but I could get the stuff online if I want to. I hate drinking, but I have beer here, which I use to numb myself.... not to get too drunk. I used to love drinking, but I get headaches from it now. So I don't drink too much. Yet anyway.

Hey Bobbyd!! I noticed that ever since I first relapsed, even though the guys in my home group were nice to my face, I sensed some kind of coldness towards me. It was real subtle, but I felt it. Especially when I was using, so I guess I can't blame them for that, but it still hurt me.
No, you can't carry another addict, but would it hurt them to talk to me?? These were people I totally admired and they knew that!! Especially this one guy. He KNEW I hung on his every word. Would it have killed him to say something to me?? I know, I know, I can't change other people & I shouldn't care what he thinks of me either!! So why do I??
As for putting myself before my cats.... not gonna happen. They will die without their meds.
It's not just my cats. I have problems with my feet & I work on my feet all day. When I come home I'm exhausted. Think of how horrible you feel when your feet are KILLING you. Now imagine feeling like that all of the time. It's my legs, too. It'll probably sound like an excuse to you guys, but it's hard for me to want to do anything else. I'm in pain pretty much all the time. I just can't make meetings every night & I don't know what to do.
And that brings me to the problem of how will I ever find a sponsor?? When I first started going to NA, I was out on Workmans Comp because of my feet & legs, so I made 3 meetings a week. When I returned to work, I went to one. Only recently has this issue come up. I don't know many women in the program, and I can't think of a single one I would want as a sponsor. Is it even worth it to go back if I will only go back to my home group??

Thanks to all 3 of you who have responded. I was afraid you'd all yell at me and tell me my excuses were stupid, even though to me, they are not!!

[In memory of miracle]

Hey there ! I have chronic pain too , wanna try another excuse ? LOL ..I understand that you are feeling hurt by your percieved coldness from these people , but you are giving them way to much power . I dont think thats worth dying over , do you ? Try some different meetings dont let anyone or anything rob you of the chance at recovery , and call that out patient treatment program !! Much love , Trish

[BrokenSpirit]

LOL, Trish!! Thanks!! Okay, say I try different meetings in my area, which I have. What about the sponsor problem?? I can't see going to more than one, POSSIBLY 2 meetings a week. Knowing me, it'll most likely be one. Who would sponsor me??
And I don't know why I feel so out of place with the women around here. I just don't seem to "fit". Big shocker, lol. I don't know what to do!! I have nobody in mind I'd even WANT as a sponsor. And this program won't work without one, will it??
And I STILL don't want to leave my old home group.
Man, I'm really whiney tonight, aren't I?? LOL!! I think I'll give it a break & get offline until tomorrow when hopefully, I'll wake up in a better mood?? :0)

[Dawn10]

Maybe with a little sleep you will see things a bit more clearly. Yes, you are a little whiny. Lots of excuses. As addicts we want things on OUR terms.If you want sobriety, Step out of your comfort zone, go to as many meetings as you can and do the work. Recovery won't come to you, you must come to recovery. When you want to, things will start happening.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I needed a kick in the pants a few times too.
I am also betting your sponsor is hurting with you. I think she is trying to make you see she can't be your source of recovery. Only you can!
I am praying for you.

[bikewench]

Hey Broken...

Others will probably disagree with me... but...I say any meetings are better than no meetings... so... go to as many as you can possibly manage.

We're all familiar with not "getting it"...

trust me ....

but.. the program suggests we need to "go to any lengths" to get clean.

Now... we all have different lengths... and no one should even try to tell us what that should be... but there's an inner knowing in each of us... and when it's buried under the denial and other characteristics of addiction... well.. it's hard for others to witness that. Cause it could be any one of us.

I've tried SO HARD to reach for a pair of hands, but as usual, none were there for me

Broken Spirit... maybe you need to reach for unearthly hands...


Your in a good place here Spirit.. and there is program all around. At the very least... come here often... ;o)

[Imagine]

Hey Broken, I'm Jerome and I'm a Very Greatful Recovering Addict. I'm also a Diabetic (type2) with Hepatitis C and Cirrhosis of the Liver (grade2, stage4), I've been around the rooms now for 8 1/2 years. At 3 1/2 years I felt the need to go and change my clean date. My sponsor and I was the best of friends "He Thought" at the time, I show him how much I value or friendship by picking up and calling him along time afterwards. I know all about coming back into the program, since I was the one who desided to use, and since I knew I didn't have to use, I can't call it a relapse. My sponsor kept me as a sponsee, and told me that for 3 1/4 years I put 100% into my program and it was not enough, so WE are going for 110% from now on. See I fell out of my program a while before I used, and he tried to get me back on track but "I STOPED" working it. My sponsor and I are best friends still, and I call or e-mail him everyday. I'm on treatment to kill the Hepatitis, and the side effects would justify bringing narcotics back in to my life, under a doctor's care but I SAID NO THANKS. This stuff can not cause no pain compared to the pain they cause. I hope you can get something out of this share, I felt the need to share it with you. When we use they are no limit to what we will go thru to get or fix, and that is how we have to go for our recovery also. Girl, come on back in "What ever it takes" I can tell by reading your post that you know what you have to do. Just keep coming back, if this is as close as you can get to a meeting, start here. We all are here for you as you are for us. PEACE.

[BrokenSpirit]

Dawn, even when I first started coming around, I never went to meetings every night. And it worked for me for almost 2 years. Going back to work is what messed me up again, I think. I can't handle the people or the stress there. Yes, I KNOW it isn't their fault I got high again.... it was my own fault, but what I mean is I didn't know how to deal with it. Anyway, I was okay only going to one meeting a week. I was doing just fine. And when I could go to more, I would.
As for my sponsor, I know how she works. When she wanted to dump her sponsor, she tried, but her sponsor talked her out of it. So she wanted to take the easy way out & either just stop calling her or e-mail her to get out of it instead of telling her to her face. And that's what she did with me. She just stopped calling me instead of confronting me directly. Avoiding the confrontation just like she did with her own sponsor. Okay, so now I'm going from whiney to bitter. Sorry.... my emotions are all over the place these days!!
I appreciate yoour honesty with me, even though some of it hurts me to "hear". And I REALLY appreciate your prayers.

Hey Bikewench!!
Thanks SO MUCH for everything you said!! I'm trying to get that in my head about any meetings are better than no meetings. I SHOULD go this week.... I'm on vacation. I'm hurting right now by my perceived lack of caring in the rooms, so that's part of what's keeping me away right now. I wish I had thought of that on Sunday night. THAT group made me feel very welcome.
I dunno, maybe I'm not quite ready to go back?? Maybe that's why I came here. I've been lurking here for a while. Then one day, I decided to join you guys. You seem like a great group of people. It's kind of like one step at a time for me. I don't know, maybe I WILL go back, maybe I won't.
Yesterday my sister called my mom. She said my hands were shaking & I was slow (we were playing UNO with my nieces). My mom called me & asked if I was using again because my sister, also an addict thought I was. I SWEAR I'm not. They have no reason to believe me, and I have no way of proving that I'm clean. And if I start going back to NA, they'll think I'm using again, lol. No, that's not why I'm staying away. I don't even know why I added that!!
I LOVE what you wrote in answer to my quote about reaching for unearthly hands!! And also about coming to this site often. I am going to do that. Even if I don't post all the time, reading posts helps me too!! Thanks again!!

Hey Jerome!!
Wow!! You're in all that pain & you don't take anything for it?? That's something I can't even imagine?? I'd love to be as strong as you one day but I can't imagine having the ability to EVER saying no to a narcotic being offered to me. And you are SO right, I DO know what I have to do, it's just a matter of me having no time to do it. I CAN do the one meeting a week, it worked for me before. I messed up, but I'm okay now, except for a few beers in the fridge. I have no drugs on me, except my anti-depressants & other non-narcotic prescription stuff.
Do you think if I eventually go back, I can coast without a sponsor for a while??
And THANK YOU!! For telling me that you're here for me. And I will be here for you guys too. Maybe this will help my lonlieness some. Wow, that sounded pathetic, didn't it?? But it's true.

Thanks so much to all of you!!

[Imagine]

BrokenSpirit; I think coasting without a sponsor for a while will be fine as long as you are looking for one, also I think when you find someone you like ask her to start out on a trail basis. [And if I start going back to NA, they'll think I'm using again] My family was the same way, I was not going for them but only for myself. Your going to make it if you want it bad enough, and remember; "Alcohol is a drug, we are people with the Disease of Addiction who must obstain from all drugs in order to recover. Peace and I'm also praying for you.

[In memory of miracle]

Oh (((((( Brokenspirit )))) I see you are up to the same tricks today !! Your disease has really come out to play with you ! How bought you dont listen to your own mind and just go to a meeting no matter what your brain is telling you ! lol ! Werent you supposto make a phone call ? And get that beer out of your house ! Much love , Trish

[BrokenSpirit]

It IS coming out to play with me in a big way!! This idiot I used to work with keeps feeling the need to e-mail me & let me know how pathetic of a worker everyone thinks I am. This morning I woke up to another e-mail from him saying another ex co-worker of mine was standing in line & heard my 2 co-workers b!itcing about how pathetic I am. I am SOOOO tired of hearing this sh!t. THIS is why I couldn't get through the day there without using more & more. Everybody there hates me. I don't like them a whole lot either, so I don't really care about that, but I am NOT a bad worker.... there are just a lot of things I don't know, and nobody will show me. Yes, I have spoken to the bosses about this, and it falls on deaf ears. Anyway, I end up getting called in the office because this is stuff I "should" know. Ummmm, HOW should I know it?? I was out on comp for 2 years & in a different office for a year after that?? We got a different system, which I feel lost on most of the time??
Sorry for that rant!!
Anyway, I KNOW I could order my pills off of the net, but so far, I've been resisting. That's why I'm here right now. I don't think I'm ready to go back to NA. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. It's pretty sad & pathetic on my part.... maybe my co-workers are right about me, lol.

[BrokenSpirit]

Jerome.... what did you say to your family when you went back? Did they finally believe that you weren't using? My family worries SICK over me & they've been through MORE than enough.... I don't want to put them through any mor he!!, ya know??

[Imagine]

Broken; First of all I do feel your pain in this, and I do pray for you daily. At the time I was the " Black Sheep" of the family and didn't care what they thought of me. " I'm the one that has to die when it's my turn to die, so let me live my life the way I want to..jimi." That was my attitude to them and everyone, it ended up saving my life. Even now some of them would love to hear I was using, but as time went on my baby sister came in the rooms and is now working on staying clean, my 2 older sister are part of my support team, but sadly my little brother is one that would love to hear I'm using, he himself is still using and hates to see me coming or on his caller ID. I wish he could understand that I love him and don't care to see him die in his addiction, he does help me stay clean by seeing the old me in him. Just remember, you are to only one you can do this for...." Today, I ask for help with my addiction. Denial has kept me from seeing how powerless I am and how my life is unmanageable. I need to learn and remember that I have an incurable illness and that abstinence is the only way to deal with it."..........First Step Prayer.........Peace..BeautifulSpirit

[In memory of miracle]

Can you block this persons e mails ? Click on to e mail options from your e mail account and "poof" . Take a deep breath and try to let it go , there are lotsa sick people out there who love to push buttons . The most important thing is for you not to use today and you are doing that ! I am pulling for you ! Trish

[BrokenSpirit]

Thanks Jerome.... I seem to have lost the ability to pray for myself, which is something I used to do twice a day.... morning and night. I'm trying to start it up again, but I either "forget", or my head won't shut up long enough for me to do it. I AM trying!! Thanks so much for your prayers!! And ESPECIALLY for the last words of your post (BeautifulSpirit). I love you for that!! And for taking time for me. You're such a great guy.
I like the attitude you took with your family. I'll have to start thinking that way until it sinks in. In fact, I should print it out & read it every day so it WILL sink in!!
I DO try to remember that I am the only one I can do this for, but when I feel like I can't do it for myself, or don't want to do it for myself, I think of my nieces & nephew. The baby's too young to know any better, but my girl's were put through pure hell because of their parents. Their father may be getting out of jail soon. They don't really want him home, but that's beside the point. When they saw it happening to me AGAIN, they were SOOOO angry at me. I couldn't stand it. I love those kids more than anything. I can't keep doing this to them. To hell with myself.... if I can't do it for me in the beginning, I will do it for them. Does that make sense??

Hey Trish!!
Here's more of my sickness coming through. Last week he sent me an e-mail saying someone said I was the slowest worker on earth. I told him I would no longer e-mail him until he told me WHO it was. And I haven't. He keeps e-mailing me though. Why do I do these things?? He also keeps telling me how everyone keeps commenting on how horrible I look, even my co-workers. My co-workers tell me this to my face. What happened is, I take Topomax, which is an epileptic drug. I am NOT epileptc, but it is used for migraines too. It's non-narcotic, lol. The doctor said I'd lose 7-10 pounds. I lost 55!! So now I am SKINNY!! VERY flabby, but skinny!! So that's another thing I hear about non-stop. I guess the reason I brought that up is that people CONSTANTLY feel the need to give their opinion about me & I don't know how to stop it. At work they call me crack *****, aids patient, Karen Carpenter, Ashley Olsen, Kate Moss.... you get the picture. It was funny at first, but now it's just OLD!!
Some of the guys ask about my weight out of concern.... others just tell me I'm too damn skinny & I'll never find a man. What the **** do they care??
Sorry about getting off the e-mail problem. I don't know if I should block him or if I should just tell him to knock it the eff off already. I'm usually WAY too nice, but if you push my buttons JUST RIGHT, I can be the biggest b!tch in the universe, lol. But only if i REALLY don't like you. I am basically a doormat. It's pretty sad. Where do I even begin?? It's kind of like.... it's okay for you to hurt me, but it's NOT okay for me to hurt you?? Do you understand what I'm saying??

And I REALLY, REALLY want to thank you guys for being here for me. You are all helping me more than you can ever know!!

[In memory of miracle]

I am sorry that people are picking on you , they can be so hurtful . People who do that usually dont like themselves very much and I know its hard not to take it personally . The more you focus on it or respond to it the more power you give it .You sound like a very kind , sensative person and we all deserve to be treated with respect .Another good reason to find a meeting where you can get the love and nurturing you deserve . You are not using today and that is what counts , I was really skinny too and people for some reason feel like they can point that out , dunno why . try those Ensure shakes or one of those products 3x a day for awhile . Be good to yourself !! Trish

[Imagine]

Spirit, I suffer from that mind not wanting to shut up thing also, and when I went on this treatment my mind was going 24/7 at 90 mph, my doctor put me on Zoloft. I've been on it now for 3 weeks and can tell a great difference, my docs all know my addiction story and my decision to stay clean thru this treatment, their very understanding and very supportive, they know how to treat me because I told them who I am. It sounds to me that you have some good reasons to take work on getting yourself well. The only way you're going to be of any use to your nieces & nephew, is for You to start working on You. Send that guy an e-mail telling him enough all ready, and right after you send it, block him from being able to e-mail you back ever you do not need that right now or ever. Ironic; In this society your either to fat our to skinny, I agree with Trish, those people at your job has issues of their own. You are only concern with your on issues. You are a Beautiful Spirit and