Punt
Evolving Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
Punt
I was once told that when I don't know what to do, don't do anything. I'll admit that this advice works at times because it gives me a chance to sit back and think before acting...as opposed to acting or reacting on impulse. But most of the time when I'm indecisive I'll reach out and seek counsel from my sponsor or members of my support network.
My current situation is that I have a sponsee who will be celebrating 30 years clean next Monday, and two days ago he asked me if I would attend and present him with his 30 year medallion. Of course I agreed to do it, but I immediately began having a bunch of negative thoughts about what I would say, could say or should say. (For those who don't know - in NA, in my area, a sponsor presents a sponsee with their medallion by saying a few words first)
To give you some background info: I've known this guy for at least 35 years and he's a really nice dude. We used to work for the same company and his father was one of my supervisors. When I first tried to get clean back in 95' I ran into him at a meeting and asked him to be my sponsor. Maybe he wasn't ready or saw that I wasn't ready...but he declined my request. I finally got clean in 1998 and I didn't see him in the rooms again until 2005. Apparently, he had been absent from meetings for about 10 years and made a decision to return after a terrible car accident.
In 2007 he asked me to be his sponsor and although I accepted the "job" I questioned what someone with 13 years less clean time could offer one of our areas predecessors. He assured me that I had "what he wanted" (as they say) and I've made numerous attempts to get him involved in step work. All have failed and I've resigned myself to being a sponsor "in name only." Over the past 8 years we've had minimal contact...a phone call here and there....a text message during the holidays...a hug and brief conversation if we bump into each other at a meeting. That's it.
I refuse to get in front on a large meeting (oh yeah...it will be large) and be dishonest about our relationship. In fact, I wouldn't lie if there were only a few in attendance. Yet, I also don't want to say anything harmful.
What would you do?
My current situation is that I have a sponsee who will be celebrating 30 years clean next Monday, and two days ago he asked me if I would attend and present him with his 30 year medallion. Of course I agreed to do it, but I immediately began having a bunch of negative thoughts about what I would say, could say or should say. (For those who don't know - in NA, in my area, a sponsor presents a sponsee with their medallion by saying a few words first)
To give you some background info: I've known this guy for at least 35 years and he's a really nice dude. We used to work for the same company and his father was one of my supervisors. When I first tried to get clean back in 95' I ran into him at a meeting and asked him to be my sponsor. Maybe he wasn't ready or saw that I wasn't ready...but he declined my request. I finally got clean in 1998 and I didn't see him in the rooms again until 2005. Apparently, he had been absent from meetings for about 10 years and made a decision to return after a terrible car accident.
In 2007 he asked me to be his sponsor and although I accepted the "job" I questioned what someone with 13 years less clean time could offer one of our areas predecessors. He assured me that I had "what he wanted" (as they say) and I've made numerous attempts to get him involved in step work. All have failed and I've resigned myself to being a sponsor "in name only." Over the past 8 years we've had minimal contact...a phone call here and there....a text message during the holidays...a hug and brief conversation if we bump into each other at a meeting. That's it.
I refuse to get in front on a large meeting (oh yeah...it will be large) and be dishonest about our relationship. In fact, I wouldn't lie if there were only a few in attendance. Yet, I also don't want to say anything harmful.
What would you do?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
I might say a few things that are nice and supportive (and true). I assume there are a few good things you could say, or share a few memories of him. I tend to avoid conflict! But honesty is very important to me too.
You also could talk to him about the problem.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do. It is a tough situation.
You also could talk to him about the problem.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do. It is a tough situation.
Evolving Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
Update:
Well...I did my best to stay out of my head about what I would say and decided it would be best to just "wing it" (as they say) and allow my HP to guide me. When the moment came I was a little nervous but I began by talking about how we met and I mentioned a few of the good times we shared. As I got more relaxed I was able to joke about some of the funny things he's said and the I introduced him.
As a member with 30 years clean, he shared with us his experience regarding how NA was started in our area. All in all, it was a pretty informative and fun night.
tflms
Well...I did my best to stay out of my head about what I would say and decided it would be best to just "wing it" (as they say) and allow my HP to guide me. When the moment came I was a little nervous but I began by talking about how we met and I mentioned a few of the good times we shared. As I got more relaxed I was able to joke about some of the funny things he's said and the I introduced him.
As a member with 30 years clean, he shared with us his experience regarding how NA was started in our area. All in all, it was a pretty informative and fun night.
tflms
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I'm glad you found a way to be positive in a difficult situation. We have stuff like this come up in our home group sometimes. We've been around as a home group for longer, in the same spot and at the same time, then almost any other group in our area, so many members that no longer come to meetings know where we are when they decide to come back.
Anyway, some of them will decide that even though they don't attend NA meetings any more, a "benchmark" anniversary will come up for them, such as 10 years, and they'll come back the week before the anniversary and ask "Can I join the homegroup (or some of the bolder ones will just say "I'm a member of this homegroup since 1995 or whatever") and I want to celebrate next week by sharing the meeting. We used to just let it happen.
Then we all talked about it and voted that we want 2 months of them being a fairly consistent homegroup member before celebrating. We also want them to have a sponsor and work steps to celebrate. I don't know if this is against any traditions, but that's how our homegroup does it.
This has been our homegroup guideline for sharing an anniversary now for a few years and it has helped us to avoid a lot of problems. Now we don't have any pop-up anniversary sharers that bring a sponsor who shares literature from a church or another fellowship out of ignorance of the NA message.
Don't get me wrong. Whatever keeps anyone clean and happy, it's all good to me. It's just not NA. And I don't need the confusion. I think we as addicts will grab onto anything to get out of doing what is difficult. If we hear someone share that "Hey, I got clean here in 1992, but for the last 22 years I haven't worked up to step 4, and I don't have a sponsor." That makes us say "Maybe I don't need to work steps or have a sponsor." I don't know how people stay clean that way. I go to NA to hear an NA message.
Anyway, some of them will decide that even though they don't attend NA meetings any more, a "benchmark" anniversary will come up for them, such as 10 years, and they'll come back the week before the anniversary and ask "Can I join the homegroup (or some of the bolder ones will just say "I'm a member of this homegroup since 1995 or whatever") and I want to celebrate next week by sharing the meeting. We used to just let it happen.
Then we all talked about it and voted that we want 2 months of them being a fairly consistent homegroup member before celebrating. We also want them to have a sponsor and work steps to celebrate. I don't know if this is against any traditions, but that's how our homegroup does it.
This has been our homegroup guideline for sharing an anniversary now for a few years and it has helped us to avoid a lot of problems. Now we don't have any pop-up anniversary sharers that bring a sponsor who shares literature from a church or another fellowship out of ignorance of the NA message.
Don't get me wrong. Whatever keeps anyone clean and happy, it's all good to me. It's just not NA. And I don't need the confusion. I think we as addicts will grab onto anything to get out of doing what is difficult. If we hear someone share that "Hey, I got clean here in 1992, but for the last 22 years I haven't worked up to step 4, and I don't have a sponsor." That makes us say "Maybe I don't need to work steps or have a sponsor." I don't know how people stay clean that way. I go to NA to hear an NA message.
Evolving Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
Hi KJ,
In my area, we've had what you described happen pretty often in years past. I mean, members who don't attend meetings regularly (esp. their home group) but want to pop up out of nowhere to celebrate their anniversary. I even recall a home group member (who hadn't been to our group in 6 months) showing up on the day of their anniversary with catered food and about 8 family members. Unfortunately for her, group conscience dictates the format a group follows and we already had a speaker scheduled for that day. The group agreed to let her share AFTER the speaker shared. She accepted but wasn't too thrilled about it.
Nowadays most groups in my area require home group members to attend at least to group conscience meetings prior to their anniversary (these business meetings are held once a month, so they have to attend two months in a row). I think it's fair because it gives everyone a chance to get on the same page - no surprises, no scheduling conflicts and no unrealistic expectations.
Although my sponsee has 30 years and did have a period of non-attendance (10 years), he's been active in his home group and consistent for the past 8 years or so. I just didn't want to get in front of the fellowship and belittle him in any way regarding his unwillingness to follow direction when it came to step work.
In my area, we've had what you described happen pretty often in years past. I mean, members who don't attend meetings regularly (esp. their home group) but want to pop up out of nowhere to celebrate their anniversary. I even recall a home group member (who hadn't been to our group in 6 months) showing up on the day of their anniversary with catered food and about 8 family members. Unfortunately for her, group conscience dictates the format a group follows and we already had a speaker scheduled for that day. The group agreed to let her share AFTER the speaker shared. She accepted but wasn't too thrilled about it.
Nowadays most groups in my area require home group members to attend at least to group conscience meetings prior to their anniversary (these business meetings are held once a month, so they have to attend two months in a row). I think it's fair because it gives everyone a chance to get on the same page - no surprises, no scheduling conflicts and no unrealistic expectations.
Although my sponsee has 30 years and did have a period of non-attendance (10 years), he's been active in his home group and consistent for the past 8 years or so. I just didn't want to get in front of the fellowship and belittle him in any way regarding his unwillingness to follow direction when it came to step work.
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