Just one of those days

[laurie]

Just feel like running away today. I miss my children, miss my home. Its so hard moving back home after 17 yrs. I left home at 17 and never had to depend on anyone pretty much since. I put myself here in this situation because of my addiction. I know I should be thankful I have a roof over my head and family to turn to, I could be living on the streets, right, or have no one. Its just living with my mother made me remember why I left in the first place. Don't get me wrong she means well sometimes, she just has this bad attitude about life. Like last night she told my little sister shes tired of being her mother and shes not doing anything else for her. She told her shes on her own for school, rides to work etc. It all started because I borrowed my moms car to take her school shopping. We get home and my sis says look at the shirts I bought. My Mom said, "you are taking them back and paying for your phone bill, you need to learn responsibility". Last week My little sister found out she couldn't get financial aid to pay for her cosmetology kit and my mother tells her oh, well thats your problem not mine. I told my Mother I dont mean any disrespect but this is her senior year in high school and she didnt get any new clothes or school supplies yet (school starts Fri.) and she gets paid Friday why couldn't she pay the phone bill then so she could at least feel good about herself on the first day of school. She said she had all summer to save money, too bad. I wanted to say isn't it your responsibility to teach her how to save and be responsible after all children usually do what they see or learn. My mother is very impulsive and has never known how to save, she goes food shopping every few days, has every nick nack imagingable, closets full of yard sale crap, clutter everywhere, has a closet full of clothes some still with the tags on, 10 bottles of opened shampoo, etc., animals she cant afford to feed or give attention to ($600. pure bread dog that cant even see because she hasnt been groomed in 6 mos.) sh...ts and pi..es all over the house because she wont take the time to train her, three months behind on her car payment, 2 mos behind on her land payment. Then flips out on everyone because shes broke and know one helps with the bills. Is it me or is it a little to late to teach my little sister 4 days before school starts to be reponsible. Not too much room for me to say anything, because I have been steady on drugs the last year and half, but I have never verbally or physically abused my kids, I praise them every chance I get and have always been very affectionate with them. Sometimes I found myself going a little overboard because I always had too much responsibility growing up, I never got to be a kid. My older sister and I were the ones who had to cook, clean, laundry, homework for 5 other siblings, hold a job and go to school. We had to hand over our paycheck to our mother, so there was not much spending money left to go out when we were finally allowed to go out, or buy ourselves clothes and if you did treat yourself to something damn if your werent made to feel guilty (mom would say thats nice I have to wear rags). Believe me I could go on for hours but enough of the pity party. I just needed to vent. Sometimes I wonder if the rain will ever stop, the rainbow seems so far away on days like these. :

[Gabe]

Hugs Laurie, big hugs. I know how hard life can seem sometimes. Sending some light your way and keeping the faith that the rainbow is a little closer than it feels.
Gabe

[Gooch]

Sometimes it helps to change our perspective.. If what we are looking at and focusing on is triggering overwhelming feelings it's ok to take a wlk, or go somewhere that we are minded of the positive things as well. We addicts seem to be able to concentrate on the negative almost naturally and it helps us to look for thing to be grateful for.

(((((Laurie))))) There's always a rainbow somewhere when it rains .. gotta go find it.

[Dan]

It's never easy to change immediate surroundings.
Add to that the fact the new surroundings happens to be a place that you left long ago, and you have the makings for a period of intense inner examination.
Try and remember why the wind directed you back where you are now.
And hold in your heart the promise of a happier tomorrow.
But above all, never ever forget that the journey continues, even though you might feel you're at a stop for now.

[KelKel]

Laurie

[sherbear5104]

(((Laurie)))
Sending some happy thoughts your way. Just keep your head up, and it's always good to vent. Secrets keep us sick. Hope you're having a better night!
sherry

[namommy]

Laurie,

Unbelievable. We have more in common than just our names.

When I first got clean, I got out of jail and was released to my parents house. I was 33 years old and for the most part had moved out when I was 19. I was so hard to live under those rules again. Remember "Just for Today". Find some ways to distract yourself and calm yourself down. Make as many meetings as you can, read the basic text, call someone and go out. Whatever it takes. I know how hard it is to live under someone else's rules after being wild for so long. You can do it.

[laurie]

Thanx everyone,

Well yesterday, I drove my little sis to work. I had a job interview but was discouraged when they told me the pay rate, I explained to the Manager that I had 12 years experience and I would take the job for now but eventually would not be able to live off of the pay. After I went to see my brothers 6 mo baby girl, shes so beautiful, so innocent, and always smiling. I played with her and she soon pulled me out of my mood. When I got home as soon as I walked in the door the phone rings, its the Manager, and she informed me she spoke to her supervisor and they gave me a little more money, not much more but enough for now.:smile:

Today is my first day of work and I also have my first appt. for outpatient recovery so it is slowly getting better.

[sherbear5104]

Laurie,
Sounds like you are in better spirits, that's great. Good luck on the job, glad you were able to get a little more for your experience. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
sherry

[laurie]

Got lost trying to find the the outpatient office, so I was 10 min late, they told me I had to reschedule. I had to borrow my brothers truck to get there so it didn't leave me much time to get there, let alone get lost. Anyone whos ever tried to get one of these appts knows how hard it is to be seen. Anyways I had to reschedule and the soonest appt. is 3 weeks. I made it anyway despite my frustration. My new job is great, my boss is very nice so it made up for my disappointment. I'll just have to make meetings while I wait.