Is there any hope for my marraige?????

[donald1960]

I am in (2) 12 step programs after my 1st relapse. NA and AA. I am trying to live my life a day at a time. However, its exstremely difficult. My wife of 10 years ( we have 2 children 5 & 7) approached me last summer stateing she wasnt happy. We had drifted appart. We both used pot since we were in our teens ( we are now in early 40's) after seeking counciling she quit pot - still drinks occaisionally but not recklessly or habitually. As our marraige councilling was not going successful I too quit and joined NA. I had a difficult time identifing with most in the meetings as there seemed to be alot of hard core drug addicts with criminal backrounds. After 30 days I went on on my own. My wife had retained an attorney. A letter was sent that she called off and agreed to a marraige workshop called Retouvaile. It was successful beyond my best hopes. However after 3 months of improvement in our relationship and 4 months of my sobriety I relapsed and started useing again. Our marital progress evaporated fast. I didnt want to admit I was an addict but have come to realize that I am. With all the charater dfects that come along with the use of pot; motivational, energy, jealousy, self- centerdness. My wife attributed our downward spiral to the pot but my disease refused to allow me to acknowledge this as the fact it was. She would no longewr diallouge wich had become our marraiges lifeline. After 2 months of the downward spiral she informed me she was done with the marraige and was seeking divorce. That was the wake up call I needed. I love my wife dearly. I have always believed us to be soulmates. We still attend mass on sundays with the children but she has distanced herself emotionally and seems to be resolute in the disolving of our marraige siting lack of trust in me. She states she will not be open minded to my efforts despite making at least one meeting a day and offering urine or whatever test she might want. I do believe the pot usage on both our behalfs ( compounded by financial troubles) caused us to come to dissolutionment in our marrage. I work the steps dilligently now and call my sponsor andd or members of my support group daily. As a firm beliver in God perhaps the first 3 steps are easier for me then most. Then again perhaps not. She says its too little to late. My words mean nothing. She has no trust and is not interested in giving the situation time to see if the changes will sustain. She is going to a Al-Anon meeting this week and I am looking at that as positively as I can. I am so fearfull that my family will be torn apart. The serenity prayer may work for me but what about my young children. She has not informed them yet. She has stated she is only interested in actions not words. Yet she says she will not change her mind wich I find confuseing. She appears so resolute and has informed all close friends that the she is resolute this time in seeking divorce. Just 3 months ago she wrote to our church wanting to speak in front of the congregation about how the Retouvaile program was saving our marraige.

Will going to Al-Anan meetings and seeing my consistant abstinence change her mind????? I am affraid she may be looking to getr support with regard to leaving the marraige as she has said all of her romantic relationships were with users of some form of substance. We've been togeather and monagamous for 12 years.

She has trust issues from childhood as a victim of physicall/ verball child abuse from her mom ( who is funding her divorce ) and was the victim of sexual abuse from ages 12-14 by her neighbor along with her 2 sisters. Both of which are gay. Also her father was and is a fall down/black out drunk and her parents divorced when she was in her late teens.

I want to stand by her even though she has broken my heart and shatterd my dreams. I am sad, dissapointed and bewilderd. Her prayes for my pot abstinence have been answerd but she says its "too little too late". As She says and I agree that where we are is exactly where God intends. But I am scared- no petrofied of loosing the most wonderfull women I've ever met. And more so the impact the divorce would/will have on our children. I am praying that Al-Anan will give some level of hope for my wife with regard to our marraige. I would agree to testing on a regular basis and sign off all rights to our home and children if I was to relapse again if she so choose. I'd cut my right arm off to save our marraige/family. Please help. Any advise will be greatly appreciated.

[Gooch]

As long as there's breath there is hope...

Thats a tenant that I have adopted since I came into NA in 1988 a chronic pot smoker. I had also been a drinker and had been convicted of a felony DWI so I was attending counseling and AA meetings when I was first introduced to NA. At the time of my arrest I was recently seperated desperatley hoping to have my wife and daughter back in my life. My wife didn't come back and I was frustrated that I only got into trouble with alcohol never pot. In 1989 after trying to get things to go my way unsuccessfully I stopped attending meetings and wound up going back to drinking and smoking. In 1990 I wound up gettting arrested for a predicate Felony DWI. I was sentenced on Feb2 1991 and have been abstinant and a member of NA since.

No my wife did not come back to me. In my case the damage was allready done but by staying clean in spite of what does and doesn't turn out my way, I have managed to maintain a relationship with my daughter, and move on with my life.

No one can guarantee the outcome in your case. As addicts we all seem to want to know exactly what we have to do to achieve the desired results. Our disease tells us we will do what it takes.... but no more. As recovering addicts we learn to do the next right thing for the right reason with little expectation of the results and are more often than not pleasantly surprised and grateful for the gifts and experiences our Higher Power provides.

Let go let God... be willing and you will be awarded the peaceful knowledge that things are exactly as they should be.

[alli61098]

Hi Donald,
I have started to reply to you several times at Nar-Anon, but stopped because I was afraid I was coming off too harsh. My husband is in recovery, his DOC was pot.

I read Gooch's reply, and it is far better than anything I was coming up with.

The marriage may be too far gone, it may not, but you can't consume yourself with that. Concentrate on your recovery and as Gooch said, Let go let God... be willing and you will be awarded the peaceful knowledge that things are exactly as they should be.

Work on your recovery so that you will have the tools to handle this, whatever way it goes.

Good Luck
Alli

[Paulie]

Donald,

I too have to say listen to Gooch, he is a wise man. The 'what ifs' are very dangerous to an addict. Stay in the moment, stay focused on staying sober, and stay strong to be able to be there for your kids no matter what happens. You already have a relationship with God, you are one step ahead of alot of people in early recovery.

God Bless you and your family.

[2Sunshine]

Hi Donald,

Unfortunately the heart of us women can be a confusing thing when we are bombarded with challenges and the feelings of insecurity--those things cause us to be resolute when we make up our minds. Who knows if there is hope...of course your heart hangs on that because of your desire for your wife. Sometimes we fool ourselves into believing that we can have our cake and eat it too.

the devastation of the see-saw makes us feel like we have no other choice but to give up. your wife is utterly disappointed and hurt--she feels as though you did the ultimate betrayal by relasping---after all the time, hope and energy that she put into giving the marraige another chance...it was already in her mind that that was the last chance...unfortunately you could not deduce that, with the delusion of your addiction. i just may be exactly where your wife is except my marraige did not have the longevity of working at it--my ah's addiction led him back to prison and the monogamy wasn't there as monumental thing. we suffered so many infractions that i equated it as the collateral damage of the Oklahoma Federal Building being that the damage and the loss was so great that only a memorial can be held there. all along i still hoped inside of me that my ah would come to his senses and stop putting our longevity at risk with his use. and i was so particular that i knew where i needed him to connect with me...in a deep, upclose, tight and personal manner where there would be no thing and no one that could come in between our love---that, he could not do on a consecutive manner and it was devastating to me Don. i gave up all hope and now just wanting him to acknowledge some thing honestly from prison, he could not do it, now Don i have nothing to say to him. sometimes we come to the end of our ropes---we fail to see the end that is in others when we are in our own worlds--that is a dagger in the making and continuance of any relationship.

i know that this is hard on you---but Don, you failed some things---have you reverted to tearful sorry, repentance in asking for her forgiveness? it may be what she needs from you--of course she doesn't trust you---she gave you the last ounce of faith that she had going to the counseling--she believed in you again--that is why she wanted to testify about it to the church--you caused her to believe again---then you hit her with a very hard blow---you have embarassed her and made her look like a fool to the ones that she did testify to--and her hopes had soared through the roof and made them come crashing down---i know that you know this but you must understand the effects that that had on her.

as the others of said--you must give it to God--children are resiliant and we bounce back and make it through the traumas of our childhoods---if you knew these things that your wife went though as a child--it would have been good for you to be careful in what you did and maybe offered her something other than what you gave her--but there is nothing that can be done about that now---where do you go from here and what to you do now? Pray Don...pray the serenity prayer and make it a focus--live for serenity, courage, wisdom and knowledge...that is where you focus your energies. not in regrets, would haves, should haves, and could haves. you doing the work to stay sober is not what she was/is looking for---she need/s/ed to know that her heart was a priority to you-------a priority Don-------you doing the works was not what was important----you working the marraige and keeping it safe was what mattered to her-----------she feels as if you will not be able to do that------forget your sobriety issues------that is what caused you to fail her heart--she doesn't want that to have value---but she may be going to the meetings to deal with her issues of co-depency. you may have to deal with the feeling of loosing your marraige---unfortunately you took the gamble and fell back in your addiction---time to look forward--force your eyes to look that way---you don't want to relaspe again--depression could do that--keep doing what you have to do to stay sober as mentioned above---keep hope alive---your children still will need you emotionally and need your present---prepare for what it means to be separated---you will have to adjust to living that way and you will need the strength and the tools to do that effectively and just keep moving forward. you never can predict the future, just speculate and that is wasted energy. what are the works/action that need to be taken---is there one last way to reach her heart? time is what she needs, connection, security---------not more promises about what you will or will not due---once trust is broken, repaired, and violated again----you are facing a pretty huge brick wall---that is why she has shut you out.

Take care of yourself Dan. Keep us posted. We are here for you and we are always listening.

[ssindi]

I feel for you, please read the JFT post that Margo just gave me today for April 29 entitled What if

JFT April 29 - "What If...."

"Living just for today relieves the burden of the past and the fear of the future. We learned to take whatever actions are necessary and to leave the results in the hands of our Higher Power."
Basic Text, pp. 90-91

In our active addiction, fear of the future and what might happen was a reality for many of us. What if we got arrested? lost our job? our spouse died? we went bankrupt? and on, and on, and on. It was not unusual for us to spend hours, even whole days thinking about what might happen. We played out entire conversations and scenarios before they ever occurred, then charted our course on the basis of "what if.. ." By doing this, we set ourselves up for disappointment after disappointment.

From listening in meetings, we learn that living in the present, not the world of "what if," is the only way to short-circuit our self-fulfilling prophecies of doom and gloom. We can only deal with what is real today, not our fearful fantasies of the future.

Coming to believe that our Higher Power has only the best in store for us is one way we can combat that fear. We hear in meetings that our Higher Power won't give us more than we can handle in one day. And we know from experience that, if we ask, the God we've come to understand will surely care for us. We stay clean through adverse situations by placing our faith in the care of a Power greater than ourselves. Each time we do, we become less fearful of "what if" and more comfortable with what is.

Just for today: I will look forward to the future with faith in my Higher Power.
pg. 123

I too have been obsessing over something that is out of my control and needed to hear it, please read it and God Bless.

[best]

Winning back trust can take some time. How I did it was one moment at a time.
Was separated, filed for divorce. Before the waiting period (90 days) was over, we stopped the divorce and celibrated our 25th together the very next month.
There is always hope.
I found my answers in the bible and how the 12 steps mirror the wisdom of the bible, the 12 steps can get you there as well.
Win back the trust one moment at a time. Deal with the addiction one moment at a time if need be.
If it takes a year to win back the trust... from what I have found in my life... it is well worth the time and effort. I don't ever want to loss that trust again.
For me the steps and the bible are a way of life that works.
Alcohol was my DOC, still the problems are alike though.

[Shakur T.]

Peace,
Hi Donald. My name is Shakur and I'm an addict. I wish I had the magic words to say and make all your pain go away. I know that using (anything or anyone) is not the answer.
I do know that trying to stay clean for someone else does not work...I know things look bleak right now, but hold on to your hope, your sponsor and the people in your network.
Relapse is not an accident.
Choose not to use.
Peace.

[aware]

Yes there is. if you both want there to be it will be.

[Hereandnow]

Hey Donald,

As others have said ... hold on to the hope that you have. I am an addict of years of years of abusing myself. Lost a marriage and girlfriends and so on. Same sad story. The woman who is with me now has stuck with me through the worst of it all. It has been 2 1/2 years. If you read some letters she wrote months back you would say ... "There is no way this is the same woman you are with now because this woman also seemed so resolute in convictions." And she was. It took ACTIONS on my part for her to decide we were worth another shot. She loved me like nobody else ever had and I could definately appreciate what you are going through now, because I went through the same feelings of losing not only my girlfriend, but the greatest friend I ever had. That is the one thing that kind of saved us. She read a lot about this disease and had a better understanding of it than I did it seemed. Although she was ready to move on as girlfriend, she was always my friend. And always was going to care and try to help in anyway she could.

As Gooch said, I prepared myself to move on without her at times but I was one of the lucky ones where that when she saw me working on myself she decided to stick it out one last time.

There is no miracle answer here. You can only do what is right for you and right for your family. And that is stay clean at all costs. Whether your wife wants to bring things back to where they were ... that is out of your control. The only thing you CAN DO, is continue doing the right things and maybe by those actions, you two will again find that happiness you desire.

Good Luck!!!

Albert R.

[minnie]

Please understand that I mean this with the best of intentions.

"I want to stand by her even though she has broken my heart and shatterd my dreams."

Wasn't it you who did that to her when you relapsed?