Question from a naranoner

[zelda]

Hi guys I need a different perspective and thought maybe someone here could help me. My AH has been home from jail for almost 2 months and things have not been going well. He has not stayed clean and I have told him that he needs to move out. He thinks this is unfair as he needs me to help him. I have not seen him put any effort into trying to stay clean. He started a day program but only went for 2 days. He has not gone to any meetings. Is it wrong for me to want him to move out? He says he needs my support but I wonder if that is just his addiction talking. Right now I'm paying the bills, feeding him, giving him smokes making sure he is taken care of but when he gets his UI checks he spends it all on himself and doesn't even make an effort to help out or find his own place. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

[cloudy lady]

I certainly don't think it's wrong for you to think your AH should move out. Only you know if the pain has become so great for you that you need to separate. He is definitely not being fair to you, but that is the nature of the beast. I feel pretty sure that as long as he is in the grip of his disease he will never be able to see beyond himself.

Lisa B.

[zelda]

Thank you for your reply Lisa it means a lot. I am just feeling so alone and isolated lately. I am distancing myself from my family lately and have no one to talk to that understands. Your right that is the nature of the beast and I know I can't live with it anymore. I have for the past 13 years. It just sucks that it has to be this way. Thanks again.

[splendra]

Zelda-

I am in almost the exact place you are in. It is not right for us to put up with them using while we pay all the bills. I am trying to get up the courage to tell my AH to leave. He doesn't take care of his kids and nothing comes before his DOC.

We are not doing them any favors by letting them stay. It hurts them to be using us probably more than it hurts us to let them...ouch!!

[Shakur T.]

Peace and Blessings,
I was that AH that you are describing. As long as I could get someone to love me (I couldn't love myself), I was ok. My thinking was: if you loved me you would understand and take care of me. If you stopped taking care of me, then you must not really love me...
I could beg, plead, threaten, lie, charm and harrass my way through any relationship, as long as I was getting what I wanted out of the deal. As long as I had that person to "help" me, why should I stop?

Self-centeredness is the core of my disease. It does not allow me to think about ANYONE except myself (especially when I'm using). My last bottom came when I was totally cut off from everyone and everything. Then, and only then, did I start to help myself...Thank God and all those who said, "Enough is enough!"
My prayers go out to you...
Peace

[zelda]

Hey Splen-- I have been telling my AH to leave for almost 2 months now and he always has an excuse not to. Do you really think it hurts them more to use us then for us to let them? From where I'm sitting it seems like he thinks I owe it to him for all the years he worked and supported his family while I stayed home and raised the kids. I guess everyones different in how they feel though. I just don't see how he can spend all of his money in one day and not buy any groceries for the kids and then think its up to me to feed him and support his habit. Thanks for your reply its nice to know I'm not alone in my bad situation.

Hey Shakur-- Thank you for your reply. What you said sounds exactly like my AH. I just don't understand why he would even want to stay when all we do is fight (mostly about him moving and always asking me for money that I don't have). You make it seem like me saying enough is enough is all there is left to do and maybe in the end it will be a good thing for him. Thanks again I appreciate you taking the time. Take care

Z

[Shakur T.]

Peace Z,
I am just sharing what it was like for me. I can't predict the future. I hope you and your AH both get well...
Peace...

[MootPoint]

? He says he needs my support but I wonder if that is just his addiction talking

one word........ yep. As addicts, we believe that we have the right to take whatever we want. YOu see, its is owed to us....... we did this in the past, we did that, and now it is time for our pain/depression/etc. to be calmed. The drug tells us that more of it will assuage those ill feelings.

It took a major wake up call for this alkie/addict to realize that I was just a user.

I would say re your AH that it is right for you to kick him out. Maybe that would be the wakeup call he needs. If he won't leave, would you have any relatives who would help you or even the police?

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by zelda

Do you really think it hurts them more to use us then for us to let them?
Z

Interesting question... who is sicker?.. me for staying with the enabler who covers all the responsibilities while I continue to use, or the codie who thinks if they just do that one extra thing for me I'll be so grateful I'll get clean?

I could never get and stay clean until I did it for myself. That sounds so self centered saying it that way. It's one of those paradoxes...when I finally did something good for myself and learned to love me, then I could learn to reach beyond the selfcenteredness of the disease to care for others.

[zelda]

[quote=Gooch]Interesting question... who is sicker?.. me for staying with the enabler who covers all the responsibilities while I continue to use, or the codie who thinks if they just do that one extra thing for me I'll be so grateful I'll get clean?

Interesting indeed Gooch especially when you put it that way. Well said.

Thank you Shakur, Mootpoint and Gooch. Your responses have helped me alot and are greatly appreciated. I could learn a lot from you guys. Take care
Z