i screwed up i used again today

[High As A Bird]

Thanks everyone who responded

But it just seems like my life has come to a bitter end my parents disown me i was recently devorced and my roomates are no help cuz they always do it as well its always around me. i've been to n.a i've been to a counsller, i've been to other meetings where u pair up with someone in ur town and try going drug free by talking to them every day or every two days but it hasnt worked for me, im just at the lowest point in my life, like i dont have anything at all i hate my life i hate who i am and i hate what i do, but i do it cuz its the only thing that gets me through each day!!i just dont like who i am turning into and the few friends i have left dont even like who i am any more cuz of what i do so i dont have anything to lose by what im doing, its the only thing that makes me get up in each day to know that im going to be high, and if i didnt even have that i would probly put myself out of my misery, i have nothing, i seek help it doesnt work, i have no friends left and my parents disown me cuz of what i do, i HAVE NOTHING, this is my last chance, if this doesnt work, i dont even know what to do, so im asking from you guys and gals for help, help me get over this PLEASE I REALLY NEED HELP!!!!!!!!

[Dawn10]

It is time to take responsibility for yourself and not expect anyone else to do it for you. You have to want to change. You sound depressed and that is such a hopeless feeling, I know. I have been there. Go to the nearest emergency room and admit you have a problem and ask for help. Detox can be a wondeful thing. You are doing a very active constructive act by admitting you need help and cannot shake this addiction alone. In Detox, you will find both the medical and pyschological help we have all needed to begin the road to recovery.
You can do it!

[High As A Bird]

thanks for the advice, but i think if i was to do what u said i would be or get more and more depressed, i take medication for depression but hey that something else i have to deal with, but i also have responsiblities as well live on my own have to pay rent i work full time, have bills to pay i cant move back home cuz my parents dont even know i exsit anymore i havnt talk to them in 4 months, so what im trying to say is i cant do that cuz i have to have somewhere to live and in order to do that i need to work, so i dont really have a choice in the matter or else i would do that.

[eddie z.]

Bird,
You do have some things left to lose�your home, your job, your mind, and most of all, your LIFE. And we are talking about life and death here! Who prescribes your antdepressants? I ask because antidepressants don't tend to work too well when we're using and because your doctor needs to know about your addiction and may be able to help you.

I think going to detox is a great idea! Like I said, we're talking about your life here. Who's going to pay your bills if you're dead? Keep an open mind, look at all your options, and stop saying, "Yes, but..." Get some help. Might your family support you in if you were trying to make changes and get clean? Don't try to predict what people are going to respond. Just ASK!

I wish you all the very best. You may PM me if you like. I'd also encourage you to give NA another try maybe. It works for me!
Love, Eddie

[Dawn10]

This may sound harsh, but I think you are making excuses. I made hundreds of excuses many the same as yours--" my family won't help"--I need to work so I can pay the mortgage--everyone will reject me --know what? I was wrong. I lost my job, so I still had bills to pay, my family took me in and helped me after I admitted I had a problem and sought help. I too was on antideressants thinking that would help me get off drugs. WRONG!! I temporairily felt better, but still had teh desire to use.
Eddie Z is right. This is your life you are talking about. Nothing about your life will be right until you check in to a detox and start the process. You will not regret it.

[Ann25]

I know we must sound like a broken recored but everyone is right. You are making excuses. I know--thats all I did for a loooong time. And let me tell you. Even though I knew I had a problem I really didnt admit I was POWERLESS over my addiction. It took me losing my job (my bottom-I guess)
to realize I was out of control. The best thing I ever did was go to detox/rehab--that made me take a real hard look at myself.(DID NOT LIKE WHAT I SAW!) I left 2 children behind to get better. Now they have a mother, dont get me wrong-Im struggleing! I have 30 days and I never felt better in my life. Please think about what we are saying. We know because we are living it! Hang in there. KEEP COMING. ONE DAY AT A TIME (for me its one minute at a time)
Ann

[Gooch]

I agree with Dawn ... it sounds as though you have your mind made up that your a hopeless dope fiend. That nothing will change that. Until you change your mind you will be.

You've got to believe that it can work for you as it has for millions. You need to tell yourself you are a dopeless hope fiend. That your worth it. That while you may have screwed up, failed, and caused some damage, you have the potential to turn things around and enjoy a new way of life. You've got to want this more than you crave the drugs.

In desperation we sought help from each other in Narcotics Anonymous

Like the milk ads say.... "Got Despair?"

[High As A Bird]

Well again thanks for being honest with me and being blunt with me, i know im kinda making excuses but it's the true fact, i really dont have anywhere to go......
if i do lose my job, i will lose my house, and thats the fact im stuck on now, is how can i get the help i need, what do i have to do to get there, and how do i do it without losing what i have, if u guys and gals can help me answer those questions or give me some feed back on how u did it, then i can at least get an idea on how to get though this.....

[Dawn10]

Though it may seem hopeless now, it can work. You don't have to loose your job. There is a family medical leave act that allows you to take up to 12 weeks unpaid leave without jeopardizing your job. If you have vacation/sick/personal time to use, use it to get well. The facility you detox at will have counselors, social workers to help you with this. You may not need to be inpatient for very long, but you won't know until you go and ask.
Since we don't know your particular circumstance we can only give you general answers. You need to do some of the work yourself. Believe it or not that is part of therapy. Keeping active in things other than what you normally do when using is a great diversion to using. Have you been to an NA meeting? If not, go tonight, tomorrow, whenever you can find a meeting in your area. It is evident you want help or you wouldn't be on SR, but this isn't a fix, it is only an aid to your recovery.
Please give us a wonderful gift and check into detox ASAP. You won't be sorry.

[eddie z.]

You might also see if your job has any kind of Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for people in your circumstances. You DO have choices and options; you just have to keep an open mind to see them!
Love, Eddie

[godsonmyside]

I am late to this thread. Bird, If you always do wht you always did, you'll always get what you always got. I read alot of good suggestions here, point is, your addiction is lying to you and it is hard for you to see outside that. I was told along time ago, anything after but is bullshit. NA is a good way to not have to be alone, and you can find out you never have to use again, just for today. Give yourself a break, detox is a good start, your famoly may not come right back when you get clean, not sure why they wont talk to you, I can guess why, I was in the same boat that your sailing in now, and I was going down severly fast rapids with no way to stear to calm waters. You can do this just as we have, when you get clean there is no promise to get the things you lost back, our message is hope and the promise is freedom!! I have gained the trust of my loved ones back over time and many of us have. What do yopu have to lose by trying?

[aware]

Go back to those NA meetings that did not work for you and try again. It doesn't happen over night, hell, it doesn't happen over the month. Recovery is a journey and you will never be perfect, none of us will. But today I am ok and today I am good. Today I am clean and I have been clean everyday for 2,371 just for today's. NA works if YOU work it.
Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor you feel you want their recovery, do what they did to get what they got. YOU CAN DO IT!!! just for doday, just for this hour, just for this minute, I choose to stay clean because I believe NA works and I feel much better now.
Keep going and trying. We love you and we have all been where you are at.
Aware