Notices

Multiple Relapse

Old 10-07-2013, 10:43 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Multiple Relapse

Hi guys,

I've had some years before, but relapsed. I relapsed last month after 2 years. And each weekend since.

I'll be fine all week, go to meetings, then it'll start to come on me say late Thurs. It always comes late at night. The idea of going to the bar and mixing it up a little. Chatting with some girls, shootin the **** with some guys.

Next thing you know, I'm in a tractor beam that takes me to the bar. Which then takes me across the railroad tracks to a corner somewhere and then to some motel where I spend all my money the next 24 hours.

I'm scared guys. I dont want to lose everything I've built in the past 2 years. I'm already in trouble financially now because of my actions and I was thin to start. And I just dont want to keep repeating this behavior.

Anyone else have this? Where it just comes on them late at night on weekends, despite number of meetings or amount of stepwork done?

Thx guys,

Chris
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 11:01 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
SnoozyQ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,350
Hiya Chris

You sound like a lovely guy who just needs a little extra help.
If nothing is working perhaps ( and I don't know if you have tried it or if it hasn't worked for you) but a psych or counsellor can do wonders by just sitting there and listening.

I can feel your angst between the lines and you seem to be doing everything possible ,

Someone else may have a better idea

I know there is a stigma attached to ' shrinks' etc but i work in a hospital and they really do help some people.

You have nothing to lose really Chris , do you ? So maybe it may work , cos you sound to me like you are doing all the right things , but still doing it tough

If it's affecting other areas of your life : ie financially , you are heading down a slippery slope.

You can do this and pull back before you go down further , you are really trying though and that's a positive in itself.

Keep posting here , especially when the tractor beam headlights fire up ...

It could just be a trigger to stop that behaviour , once you get chatting , time flies.

There are just soooo many good people in here that can talk you through it .

So glad you posted xxxxx

I know you can turn this around.


SnoozyQ is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 11:41 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Thx snoozy. Love a therapist. No health insurance. Cant afford. I applied to a dicounted service but was denied. I reapplied last week.

But we shall see.

What I really need short term is a babysitter/couch to sleep on fri/sat night!

But counseling couldnt hurt. Ill keep at it. Thx for encouragement
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:24 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Grateful to be free
 
Threshold's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
In the area I got clean in we had meetings that met on Friday evening and Sat evening. In fact we had one evening one in my town and the next town over had a late night one...exactly as you say, to "babysit" us through that weekend kind of feeling.

I found weekend difficult too. All of a sudden a paycheck in my hand and time and freedom...I had to work on breaking the habit. Hard when we are ready to unwind and relax from the work week to have to get creative about how to spend down time, easy to just slide back into what we know.

But my concentrated efforts did pay off. Is there any way for you to make new friends or find some new hang outs that don't rely on substances for fun? Friday night at the gym?

What did you do on weekends during your years sober?
Threshold is offline  
Old 10-09-2013, 05:06 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Elseware's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Actorchris, I second everything Snoozy said. Sometimes a counselor can save your life. I was also helped a great deal by by coming on here to SR. I understand that feeling at particular times of day or the week. Mine is usually about 5 in the afternoon. Or (weird) when I'm feeling halfway decent. I've used this site like a lifeline since I found it
Elseware is offline  
Old 10-09-2013, 05:10 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Thanks guys. Day 3. Been going to meetings, working hard at it. I agree about a counselor it's a matter of money. I'm waiting to hear back from a center I've re applied to that has such services.

In the mean time my sponsor and you guys helping me through. I appreciate all the support. :-)
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-09-2013, 06:05 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
SnoozyQ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,350
Well done Chris , you got through another day ;-)

You seem focused by coming here into SR and as you cant afford the counsellor at the moment.
You are doing the next best thing cos this is a form of counselling in itself.

Look forward to seeing you tomorrow on day 4

Excellent job so far :-) doing great

Threshold i know what you mean about the paycheck and spare time :-/
So easy to go off the rails.

Elsewhere ...geez i could barely make it til lunchtime at times so i totally get what you are saying..then morning drinking changed everything for me :-(

...and my last try at sobriety came unstuck cos like you said , you feel great ...its scary stuff
SnoozyQ is offline  
Old 10-09-2013, 11:36 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Thx Snoozy. I'm glad your here. I just got home from 2nd meeting. Gonna hit sack soon. Hoping for good night sleep. Check in tomorrow. Night guys.
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-09-2013, 11:40 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
SnoozyQ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,350
Night Chris ;-)) see you for day 4 tomorrow xx


:
SnoozyQ is offline  
Old 10-10-2013, 12:00 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
The Long and Winding Road....
 
Vandermast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 897
hey chris

if its any consolation I am a few days sober after a bender last weekend.....I have had two recoveries, one of 7 years and one of about 18 months.

I am seeing a counsellor for that extra support also.

stay in touch mate, we can help each other

all the best
Vandermast is offline  
Old 10-10-2013, 04:55 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Elseware's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Actorchris, how are you doing today? It being Thursday and all I just wanted to check in and give you a little support. I know how Thursday nights can be. I want you to be OK and I know you can be. LOVE, Elseware
Elseware is offline  
Old 10-10-2013, 05:14 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Hi Elsewhare! Hi everyone else I'm good today. Getting strength back. Head slowing down. Have myself busy in my life pursuit all day today in various ways.

I also got word today that I've been approved for counseling services at a center where I can get them for reduced rate based on income. So I'm excited about that. Should start next week.

I'll be starting step 1 w/sponsor tomorrow and going to house meeting/speghetti dinner tomorrow night. And I've been calling a couple people every day. So, yea, doing better today. And working hard at staying on the path though the weekend.

Thx for checking on me!! Makes me feel good Chris
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-11-2013, 08:59 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Hi Chris, I find this post inspirational. Thank you. I'm new here so I'm sorry for the lack of experience in advance. I relapsed two years ago but I am now battling again and am on the 3rd day fight; just been set a course of meth (again) too but I understand it's this whole thing of ''I've done all this before and failed so can I do it again and right this time?'' Well, I've deceide it's not ''can I'' for me it's going to have to be ''I will do it this time, I have too or I will lose...'' ect ect. Bit cheesey man but I know this is this only way I can see things from here and I feel in the same position as you. But anyway, keep up the inspiration and keep on the straight and narrow. Well done!
MrWotsit is offline  
Old 10-11-2013, 12:48 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
SnoozyQ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,350
Hiya mr Wotsit :-)
So glad you joined us , you are in the right place , there is sooooo much support here .
Keep posting and let us help you thought this .

There is always someone here :-)

SnoozyQ is offline  
Old 10-11-2013, 03:27 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Hi Mr. Wotsit, glad you here man! Yea dude, I been there, as you can tell from the title of my thread here.

I tell you, speaking of cheesy, I got something that just jumped out at me so crystal clear this time. Its been showing up plain as day.

In my case, I've really been playing small in the a key area, and that is in being the leader and contributor I am capable of being. Both inside recovery and outside. I've been holding back.

Truth be told, because i have an attachment disorder issue (that I'm finally going to start getting some help for starting next week!) that has made it hard for me to establish and maintain relationships, including and sometimes especially, in the rooms of recovery. Through no fault of their own. Ive had many many fine people try. But part of what goes on in me just makes me not interested.

Now, in the past, in some of my better recovery, I have made the decision that i am going to be a stand for other people. Regardless of my attachment stuff. That I am going to commit to being a stand for others. And through that, have led meetings, and sponsored, and been the leader and motivator that I can be. But then I've lost steam and faded back into the background again. Thinking "whats the use", etc.

But what I'm really clear about for me today, is that I really HAVE to make my contribution here. I really do. What connection that is possible for me is really most experienced through being that person, showing up for others, and making my recovery and my life about really using what I have to help others. When my life is about THAT, recovery has meaning and purpose. When my life does not center around that, even recovery loses its meaning and purpose for me.

So, at the risk of sounding cheesy myself, I just have to share out loud that I really have to make strong effort to be the contributor Im able to be. In meetings now by reaching my hand out to other newbies. On here by messaging other newbies. Taking people to coffee and listening. And what ever other ways present themselves over time.

And also outside meetings, like I've now jumped back into writing and creating this short film and I'd outlined. I've got meetings set up all next week with writer/directors who love the concept and want to be a part of it. And I have the ability to help lead that project, and to get my voice out there and make my contribution.

So, just wanted to share that. I'm really present to how important in my life and my recovery really showing up to be who I can be for others really gives recovery itself more purpose and meaning for me.

I hope you're well today bud. And keep sharing and letting me/us know your here and whats going on. Helps us all Thx- Chris
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-12-2013, 08:02 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Hi guys! Another day sober. I'm depressed today. I can feel it. Its strong. No inclinations to drink. Mind really made up about that. But just depressed. I'm going to go out to a coffee shop in a bit and write for a while. I know that it will pass. I hope to feel well enough tomorrow to get some exercise. I usually work out 5 days a week and I've worked out 3 times in past 3 weeks cause of the relapses. And none in the past week. So I know my equilibrium is off.. Just trying to get through and keep myself positive.

Hope you guys are well tonight Chris
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-13-2013, 12:36 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Elseware's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Actorchris, you sound discouraged in your last post. I hope this passes for you. I am about 6 weeks out from the Vikes and I am finding myself at loose ends, too. So much of my life was caught up in addict behavior. Everything seems so empty now. I have no motivation to do anything but put one foot in front of the other. I feel paralyzed and unable to do anything. I have to force myself to do the smallest things. But one thing I am doing is trying to get some natural endorphins going by walking out everyday for a long, fast walk. It's the only thing I have any heart for. It's what is keeping me going. This feels like walking into the unknown. I've been using drugs or alcohol since I was 15. (62 now) Your idea of getting some exercise is a good one. It's the only thing that helps for me. I used to drink before I started with the Vicodin. I stopped drinking but then picked up the pills. They got out of hand fairly rapidly. Well, the one thing I wanted to say in this long rant is that getting some exercise surely can't hurt and it will probably help a great deal. Good luck and keep posting!
Elseware is offline  
Old 10-13-2013, 02:03 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Thx Elseware I did go out and walk around my neighborhood. I've been working out hard core 5 days a week for years, but not having exercised any at all in over a week, and only twice in past 3 weeks, since first relapse, has definately affected me and my psychological state I'm sure. So it was a victory to get out and just take a nice walk. Listen to some inspiring movie soundtracks (my fav I've got class later. Working on my scene for class. Trying to get myself prepared and motivated to go. I've paid a lot for it..money I dont have honestly. Plus being in my craft is good for me as well. So, thx for suggestion. I'm getting better. Sounds like you are too. One day at a time.

Chris
actorchris is offline  
Old 10-14-2013, 06:45 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Hi Chris, mate you are so insightful and deep, I envy that! Wish I was as articulate too. I’m not sure what an attachment disorder is as such but I have Asperger’s (maybe it’s similar?) Asperger’s is a spectrum of autism but a milder version of it I suppose. I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of years ago after I had a heroin overdose and sent to rehab for an intensive programme of meth. I guess it explains a lot about why I struggle with social interaction; much like you? It’s annoying, I do understand more than you realise, I found it hard to find help after rehab and just went into a panic when I was in an NA meeting (hence relapsing). I couldn’t look at anybody or speak without breaking out into a sweat and stress so just got up and left. Not their fault like you said too, just us and our distancing from others. I do live alone, estranged from my family and I only have two friends who don’t use (one in rehab and my landlord lol). So I got a cheap laptop, falling to bits but it does the job and here I am. I am now trying to get clean for Christmas, hoping that my family will see me changed and invite me this year (first in12!) and well I don’t know, one can always hope. I have a bad infections in my arms from needles too so that has scared me to get clean, more my left arm. I’m on meth again for a couple of weeks but I will need to pull off them for some antibiotics to ease the infection. Anyway I’m rambling, you’re short film sounds like it’ll be great and what talent! I wouldn’t know where to start. Your ability to organise of meetings to help others too where do you find this strength?!  Keep positive my friend; you have so much to give! Cheers, Jake
MrWotsit is offline  
Old 10-14-2013, 09:15 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Hey Jake,

First off, thx so much for compliments

But I must say, I havent been organizing any meetings anytime lately. Just thinking back to during some of best recovery, when I was involved more in that way. I still wasn't really connecting with people all that much (though I think its worsened since then), but I was at least in the action of trying to use what I DID have to help others. the ability to organize a meeting. The ability to lead. The ability to share honestly about my experience. I think i helped more people through inspiration in my shares and my example than anything else. And that has always been the case, inside and outside recovery. There are many people here in LA who don't know, but through seeing my journey on facebook, then seeing me on tv a little (commercials) and knowing where I've come from they see that as inspiring. Some of them. So they tell me.

So that's an example of me not really having success with connection on an individual level, but having success with connecting with people in the way that I am able. Touch, move, inspire, entertain. That's my mantra. And what I'm trying to do with my life. Specifically because (I've figured out) its my own way of connecting with the world, sharing myself. Its funny, I'm 6'0 tall with wavy black hair and a funny, irreverant personality that would allow me access into pretty much any friendship or group. Except, that because of my "stuff", I have no desire whatsoever. And if I make myself be around people for too long, they start to see it. I shut down. I want to be away from them. Which they can sense. And then makes them think I'm stuck up. Which makes them actually NOT LIKE ME. So I go from being someone who people find interesting and are at east with and want to know, to someone people decide is stuck up and inaccessable and then don't like. This happens in every group. Including AA/NA groups..

Acting lets me step in, be mr. personality for that little while, then retreat back into the safety and comfort of my solitude. Writing/acting/storytelling in general, allows me a way to share myself with the world in a way that I am not in actual day to day life. Far more comfortable in front of a camera or group of people than I am trying to go to coffee with them.. So, that is why I am driven in that way I think. Telling stories allows me to share myself, and to our original point, allows me to share with them that they are not alone. Touch, move, inspire, or entertain them in some way. That is what I have to give.. Daunting as this pursuit may be.

So yea, socially, recovery wise, all of that I'm with you. Going to meetings is not easy for me. And I just relapsed last month after going 5 days a week for over 2 years. Despite the discomfort and disdain that eventually formed toward me among many who thought I was "stuck up". I went anyway.

But you and I have to stay clean. If discomfort in the meetings is my cross to bare for now, I can bare it. But it makes it much easier, if I find a way to plug in somehow into offering what I have to offer. Gives me more skin in the game. More meaning and purpose to my recovery. So I'm trying to get back to there somehow. Even if only through finding 1 person a day on here I can write to and encourage somehow. Something, that makes my recovery more than just about me. Cause I dont give enough of a **** about me for that to be the reason. And neither of us have a family to stay sober for. So its gotta be about how we can use all this to impact others I think. In whatever way we can.

Meanwhile, I'm starting with a therapist on Friday. Will my first time going to see someone specifically for my condition, since i've just figured out what it is in the past year. I'm skeptical, its a guy, but I will be open and try and get some help. I'd love to get some help.. Its painful living this way..

Keep up the good work my friend. Sounds like you're cleaning up. Stay the course and those wounds will heal; they physical ones, ones with your family, and the ones inside..

With love, brother

Chris
Chris
actorchris is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:10 AM.