Multiple Relapse
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Actorchris, I read your post with interest because I have always had the same problem with people. I take my strength from solitude rather than from being social. I've always been very pretty and appealing physically but I am very shy. I can't tell you how many times I've been called snooty or stuck up or contrary. This has always upset me. Men have threatened to hurt me because they said I thought I was too good for them. I see I'm not alone with this sort of thing. I absolutely get what you're saying. It's interesting to hear about somebody else's problems with this sort of thing. This is one of the chief reasons I picked up alcohol at age 15. It made all that shyness go away. When I stopped drinking 6 or so years ago, I was faced again with all that shyness. That was when I picked up the Vicodin. It was wonderful at first but it went the way of all heavy opiate use....downhill. Now I'm back to myself. It's hard because I don't really know how to manage all this social difficulty on my own. Not much to say about it. Hard doesn't begin to cover it.
Evolving Addict
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Posts: 3,067
Hi Fam,
Good luck and best wishes to all who are new and/or struggling in early recovery.
I can't speak for others, but I recall being pretty desperate in my early days...so much so that I made it a point to take every suggestion offered in meetings. I mean, I did the 90 meetings in 90 days...and most days I did 2 or 3 meetings a day because I was unemployed. I joined a home group and got involved in service - I made coffee, was the greeter and alternated as secretary (chairperson/leader).
I guess I'm fortunate to live in an area where NA is fairly large, because there were always weekend meetings and even late-night weekend meetings. Our Activities Subcommittee regularly put on events like dances or speaker jams that took place on the weekends, so always had something to do that involved recovering people. Even today we have a Friday & Saturday night meeting and both are from 9:00 - 11:00pm.
Getting involved with the fellowship is a suggestion that I found to be crucial for success in recovery because returning to the old people, places and things (bars, clubs and folks who use & drink) is a recipe for relapse...regardless of clean time. I realize that getting socially involved in the fellowship can be a challenge or downright uncomfortable...but as the literature tells us, we have to be willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and do some things we don't want to do. Getting a phone list and calling members when we want to use also helps.
That's what worked for me.
G
Good luck and best wishes to all who are new and/or struggling in early recovery.
I can't speak for others, but I recall being pretty desperate in my early days...so much so that I made it a point to take every suggestion offered in meetings. I mean, I did the 90 meetings in 90 days...and most days I did 2 or 3 meetings a day because I was unemployed. I joined a home group and got involved in service - I made coffee, was the greeter and alternated as secretary (chairperson/leader).
I guess I'm fortunate to live in an area where NA is fairly large, because there were always weekend meetings and even late-night weekend meetings. Our Activities Subcommittee regularly put on events like dances or speaker jams that took place on the weekends, so always had something to do that involved recovering people. Even today we have a Friday & Saturday night meeting and both are from 9:00 - 11:00pm.
Getting involved with the fellowship is a suggestion that I found to be crucial for success in recovery because returning to the old people, places and things (bars, clubs and folks who use & drink) is a recipe for relapse...regardless of clean time. I realize that getting socially involved in the fellowship can be a challenge or downright uncomfortable...but as the literature tells us, we have to be willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and do some things we don't want to do. Getting a phone list and calling members when we want to use also helps.
That's what worked for me.
G
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Thanks G ;-) i see you are a longtime in recovery , fantastic:-).
Its great that you put so much into it.
The hardest part for me is finding the motivation.
But you make a great point about not returning to old haunts , people , etc that can jeopardise recovery.
In my case , its most of my family .....events etc .....all gone
Thanks for your input xx. :-)
Its great that you put so much into it.
The hardest part for me is finding the motivation.
But you make a great point about not returning to old haunts , people , etc that can jeopardise recovery.
In my case , its most of my family .....events etc .....all gone
Thanks for your input xx. :-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Hi Chris 
Its really good that you had challenged your struggle to connect to people before; I think I should do that more? To force myself into a scenario whereby I have to interact. It's even more cool that a result of your connections is that you succeeded in not only helping yourself at times but help others too. I think that's great too..sorry I'm a bit rubbish at explaining myself at the best of times* but erm so yes I understand I think, maybe differently as I don't think I get close enough to somebody for them to like me to begin with (to then choose not to?) I understand it in a way but I see it as having barriers up when trying to 'connect' and make friends.Then when you trust them and let those barriers down you are open to be hurt so I distance yourself constantly and it's an ongoing battle? Like protection? Instead I sit in this flat where I spent the last hour kicking the hell out of my radiator to get it working otherwise I'll freeze my nuts off! I feel quite lost and empty and it's all my own doing so I have to find a way to either live with it or change but finding help groups is intimidating. I am only just learning about forums and using these as a support tool, I think doing this alone isn't a good option for me right now as I still feel as though I should seek support from people I can 'see' of that makes sense but it's all I have at the moment and all I can manage with this social anxiety I suffer daily, that it is better than nothing. I too feel pride in helping others because I have nothing worth fighting for for myself alone and yet strangely I fear death so that keeps me going ha ha! I have always been told that my greatest skill is boosting the confidence of others...perhaps they look at me and think 'hey I aint got it so bad' lol! Joking, I do like to boost confidence of others and support then, I feel I can relate to you there? I did some traveling many years ago and working with charities (voluntary) helping people, I loved it but I my other masterful skill was hiding my own demons, not helping me. Now I have let it get out of control and for once I need help. So I got a casual job helping my landlord with his shelves in his corner shop in exchange for a roof over my head but that doesn't stop my addictions. I'm only a week into recovery and I admit I keep needing to exceed my prescribed meth dosage which I'm getting frustrated at but it's the most determined I've been in 12 old years so I'm still patting myself on the back, kinda. Also got some antiseptic gel for the sores. At the moment my fear is relapse too but you must forgive for yourself for a relapse though Chris, it's part of recovery, better that no relapse occurs of course but it's how you deal with the relapse that matters. Your next move in the recovery chess game, drugs move one, you move one...make sure you're the one saying check mate to end the game though. Wow made that up myself, my creative brain cell works sometimes he he. Also if helping others through recovery helps you too Chris then I say that is a good pursuit. You clearly have the empowerment and you are very aware of the world and the fragility of a plagued mind...at the same time as being confident that* healing* is not an unachievable challenge. I understand that acting a Mr personality may feel safe too but never forget to be true to yourself too. Are you an actor? Cool So yes, be safe too and good luck for Friday my friend! Jake
Its really good that you had challenged your struggle to connect to people before; I think I should do that more? To force myself into a scenario whereby I have to interact. It's even more cool that a result of your connections is that you succeeded in not only helping yourself at times but help others too. I think that's great too..sorry I'm a bit rubbish at explaining myself at the best of times* but erm so yes I understand I think, maybe differently as I don't think I get close enough to somebody for them to like me to begin with (to then choose not to?) I understand it in a way but I see it as having barriers up when trying to 'connect' and make friends.Then when you trust them and let those barriers down you are open to be hurt so I distance yourself constantly and it's an ongoing battle? Like protection? Instead I sit in this flat where I spent the last hour kicking the hell out of my radiator to get it working otherwise I'll freeze my nuts off! I feel quite lost and empty and it's all my own doing so I have to find a way to either live with it or change but finding help groups is intimidating. I am only just learning about forums and using these as a support tool, I think doing this alone isn't a good option for me right now as I still feel as though I should seek support from people I can 'see' of that makes sense but it's all I have at the moment and all I can manage with this social anxiety I suffer daily, that it is better than nothing. I too feel pride in helping others because I have nothing worth fighting for for myself alone and yet strangely I fear death so that keeps me going ha ha! I have always been told that my greatest skill is boosting the confidence of others...perhaps they look at me and think 'hey I aint got it so bad' lol! Joking, I do like to boost confidence of others and support then, I feel I can relate to you there? I did some traveling many years ago and working with charities (voluntary) helping people, I loved it but I my other masterful skill was hiding my own demons, not helping me. Now I have let it get out of control and for once I need help. So I got a casual job helping my landlord with his shelves in his corner shop in exchange for a roof over my head but that doesn't stop my addictions. I'm only a week into recovery and I admit I keep needing to exceed my prescribed meth dosage which I'm getting frustrated at but it's the most determined I've been in 12 old years so I'm still patting myself on the back, kinda. Also got some antiseptic gel for the sores. At the moment my fear is relapse too but you must forgive for yourself for a relapse though Chris, it's part of recovery, better that no relapse occurs of course but it's how you deal with the relapse that matters. Your next move in the recovery chess game, drugs move one, you move one...make sure you're the one saying check mate to end the game though. Wow made that up myself, my creative brain cell works sometimes he he. Also if helping others through recovery helps you too Chris then I say that is a good pursuit. You clearly have the empowerment and you are very aware of the world and the fragility of a plagued mind...at the same time as being confident that* healing* is not an unachievable challenge. I understand that acting a Mr personality may feel safe too but never forget to be true to yourself too. Are you an actor? Cool So yes, be safe too and good luck for Friday my friend! Jake
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Hi Jake! Hi Elseware! And everyone else!
Thanks Elseware, that is interesting. Sounds like we battle some of the same demons. Except I've never been accused of being shy, lol. Quite the contrary. But in the end, truth is, I might as well be. Because I end up in the same place. Alone. Which I actually LOVE. And PREFER. But then it gets lonely after a while.. And then when I want connection I realize I dont have any relationships. Anyone to connect with. Even when I go to a meeting not really connecting. Smiling, waving, shaking hands- yes. Even telling someone I liked their share. But not really any real connection. And truth is, even if someone invites me to coffee, I'm really not interested. So its a difficult see-saw. Wanting to be alone/but wanting connection. I know I gotta keep pushin. Finding ways to connect, even if its just for sake of helping others. I got a newcomers phone number yesterday at the meeting. He had 1 day. Not sure if he even wants to try and stay sober. I told him after meeting I was new and needed some people to call to help me stay sober. Truth is, I just wanted his number so I could check on him, but if I put it to him that way he'd be turned off. So I approached it as though I needed HIS help. Which worked
He gave me his number. I called him late last night after my class. We chatted a minute, just as a couple of sober newer guys. Agreed to talk again, meet up a meeting soon. So i just play the "hey I'm a newcomer role too" so that I can make him comfortable, and find a way to be of service, even if its just checking up on him and letting him know he's not alone.
And then there's connecting on here. Finding people I can be honest with about my issues. And let them be honest back w/me. Its good. Its a way for me to connect. So I keep pushing. I keep at it.
Jake for your share! Yea man, we can definately relate to each other. You sound like a good guy man. Yes, I agree with your idea of maybe needing to get out to see some actual people you can SEE who are in recovery. Hell, sometimes best I can do is show up somewhere and sit in the back of the room and just take it all in. Smile, shake a hand or two that's offered, and then retreat back home. I know, ideally, I'd be finding people to call/hang out with. But because of these other issues at work, thats just not always in the cards for me. But def getting out and at least showing up, hearing the message, seeing the hope in other peoples faces. Or even the pain. It does something for me.
I like your chess match analogy. Thx for the encouragement. I'm sad/disappointed I relapsed. And its scrambled my brain. I'm unsettled. I'm fearful. I've lost a lot of serenity that came with having 2 years sober. I hate that. So I'm just trying to keep at it, get my brain back to normal. Learn and use what I can from the experience.
You guys keep at it. Do what you need to do to get/keep yourselves healthy. I'll do the same I'm headed out for an audition then meetings again today w/writer/directors about my short film idea. So you guys keep up the good work and let me know how you're doing. I'll do the same - Chris
Thanks Elseware, that is interesting. Sounds like we battle some of the same demons. Except I've never been accused of being shy, lol. Quite the contrary. But in the end, truth is, I might as well be. Because I end up in the same place. Alone. Which I actually LOVE. And PREFER. But then it gets lonely after a while.. And then when I want connection I realize I dont have any relationships. Anyone to connect with. Even when I go to a meeting not really connecting. Smiling, waving, shaking hands- yes. Even telling someone I liked their share. But not really any real connection. And truth is, even if someone invites me to coffee, I'm really not interested. So its a difficult see-saw. Wanting to be alone/but wanting connection. I know I gotta keep pushin. Finding ways to connect, even if its just for sake of helping others. I got a newcomers phone number yesterday at the meeting. He had 1 day. Not sure if he even wants to try and stay sober. I told him after meeting I was new and needed some people to call to help me stay sober. Truth is, I just wanted his number so I could check on him, but if I put it to him that way he'd be turned off. So I approached it as though I needed HIS help. Which worked
He gave me his number. I called him late last night after my class. We chatted a minute, just as a couple of sober newer guys. Agreed to talk again, meet up a meeting soon. So i just play the "hey I'm a newcomer role too" so that I can make him comfortable, and find a way to be of service, even if its just checking up on him and letting him know he's not alone. And then there's connecting on here. Finding people I can be honest with about my issues. And let them be honest back w/me. Its good. Its a way for me to connect. So I keep pushing. I keep at it.
Jake for your share! Yea man, we can definately relate to each other. You sound like a good guy man. Yes, I agree with your idea of maybe needing to get out to see some actual people you can SEE who are in recovery. Hell, sometimes best I can do is show up somewhere and sit in the back of the room and just take it all in. Smile, shake a hand or two that's offered, and then retreat back home. I know, ideally, I'd be finding people to call/hang out with. But because of these other issues at work, thats just not always in the cards for me. But def getting out and at least showing up, hearing the message, seeing the hope in other peoples faces. Or even the pain. It does something for me.
I like your chess match analogy. Thx for the encouragement. I'm sad/disappointed I relapsed. And its scrambled my brain. I'm unsettled. I'm fearful. I've lost a lot of serenity that came with having 2 years sober. I hate that. So I'm just trying to keep at it, get my brain back to normal. Learn and use what I can from the experience.
You guys keep at it. Do what you need to do to get/keep yourselves healthy. I'll do the same
I'm headed out for an audition then meetings again today w/writer/directors about my short film idea. So you guys keep up the good work and let me know how you're doing. I'll do the same - Chris
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
MrWotsit, wow, that was an epic post! You are in a tough spot I can hear that. I think it is very uplifting how one of your first thoughts is trying to help others. You may be on to something there. I have social anxiety also. One of the ways I've dealt within my life was to become a nurse. That put me in a position of authority and from there I was able to deal with things better. And it gave me place from which to help others. I liked that a lot. Have you thought about NA? You probably have but it might be a real help to you. Because you will be in a prime position to help others and also help yourself. You have much to contribute. Much to offer. You sound like a real sweet person trying very hard to get out of this awful opiate trap. Which I am in myself. Although clean now for about 6 weeks. I sure wish you well! Elseware
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 15
Thank you Elsewhere, I'm not all that though; just a loner battling being a loner he he. I have thought is NA, I went once, two years before I had a relapse. I whimped out though and walked out half way through because I was a bit stressed about it all, everybody talkinf about about addiction made me panic I guess. I will build my confidence back up and it try again for this time around, maybe it will help me. Did it help you? I am ok on my own at the moment, I always have been and in fact better with no people around me initially but I appreciate this isn't healthy so yes, I am not refusing the idea of battling my social anxiety. In fact a woman asked me if I'm single the other day *blushed* I guess I must look a bit better already in just a week, more human? lol! I just ignored her though, I'm rubbish, she was pretty too and I thing she live in the same building so maybe I'll be braver next time if there is one. What's the point of this story? Oh yes, I will work on my anxiety but that is something I can't help really, just improve I hope. You seem nice too Elsewhere, very calm and steady and that is a good vibe. You are too Chris. You both are like me too that we protect others but maybe that is why we struggle? Maybe we are so giving to others that we have nothing left to give to ourselves. It's a balancing act we need to learn, to give and keep some strength for us too and when others want to give, be able to take a little and give back ect ect ect. Much like on these forums, they are great practice for that :o) Jake
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Hi guys! Hi Mr. Wotsit. Thanks for the share.
No I can say for sure that I do not suffer from spending too much time/energy helping others and not myself. I understand exactly what you mean, and I have seen that in others, but that is def not me. If anything, I lean the other way. Which is why I'm trying to push back against my grain, to be less self centered, do more to try and see how I can help. But thats more of an ideal I'm trying to work at. At this point I'm still way more closed off, too myself. Especially since relapsing. That's the biggest difference I've noticed. Where having 2 years sober I really started to get healthier psychologically, becoming much more open, after the relapse I'm so much more closed off again. Even edgy at times..
In fact, I got into a verbal altercation with manager at grocery store tonight. I didnt yell or anything, but I did call him a name and give him some **** for an attitude I felt he caught with me. That's not cool. And thats like old Chris behavior, back before, when I was getting sober last time I was like that. Even at meetings. When I'm in this state it makes me just not want to interact much. I feel myself all the more closed off. And I know others can sense it. Its like even when I'm smiling and being polite people can see in my eyes the non verbal communication of "im not interested in communicating, please leave me alone". Noticed all week and even in classes where before I felt comfortable, now felt uncomfortable. Thank God one just ended and the other is about to. I'd suspected through how I've been feeling in those classes and even through a couple of interactions that I'm just not well enough for all that right now. I just end up making a mess. Turning people off. So yea, gonna take a break from all that right now.
Which is disappointing realizing that I've regressed back so far in that way..
But, another big reason to keep working at sobriety again. I'm just so much healthier all the way around when I've been sober for a while. I think especially after the year mark.
I know I'll get there again. My mind is so made up this time. Got almost 2 weeks sober again. Stopped with the "multiple relapse" each weekend that had me start this post. I'm def over that. Now just a matter of trying to get healthy again.
Socially, just gonna try and keep getting myself to meetings. Shake a hand or two. Push myself to at least say hi to newcomers after meetings. And hopefully in the mean time the regulars wont get too turned off at my lack of desire for a lot of interaction.
Seeing myself get out angry tonight really disheartened me. It validated my fears that I'm sick right now. You guys know what I mean. That stuff we deal with that has nothing to do with being an alcoholic/addict. But which def gets made worse by using.. So yea, I'm just disappointed that I'm so sick again with that stuff after making so much progress. But, what i can do but just learn, make it another reason that I make recovery a priority, and just keep moving forward.
I start therapy with a guy on Fri. I'm a touch skeptical, thought I really probably could benefit most from female, but male is what I was assigned. So gonna give it a shot. Going to go in with an open mind.
In other news, I had 2 good auditions today and I met my father for lunch, who happened to be in the area for work. We had a nice visit, mainly because we both avoided anything controversial. But it was nice. Seemed we both showed up with a desire to make most of the visit and it turned out well. So, thats my day. Some good, some not so good, but I'm working at it.
Hope you guys are well. Let me know whats up with ya'll. Or anyone else who may be listening
Chris
No I can say for sure that I do not suffer from spending too much time/energy helping others and not myself. I understand exactly what you mean, and I have seen that in others, but that is def not me. If anything, I lean the other way. Which is why I'm trying to push back against my grain, to be less self centered, do more to try and see how I can help. But thats more of an ideal I'm trying to work at. At this point I'm still way more closed off, too myself. Especially since relapsing. That's the biggest difference I've noticed. Where having 2 years sober I really started to get healthier psychologically, becoming much more open, after the relapse I'm so much more closed off again. Even edgy at times..
In fact, I got into a verbal altercation with manager at grocery store tonight. I didnt yell or anything, but I did call him a name and give him some **** for an attitude I felt he caught with me. That's not cool. And thats like old Chris behavior, back before, when I was getting sober last time I was like that. Even at meetings. When I'm in this state it makes me just not want to interact much. I feel myself all the more closed off. And I know others can sense it. Its like even when I'm smiling and being polite people can see in my eyes the non verbal communication of "im not interested in communicating, please leave me alone". Noticed all week and even in classes where before I felt comfortable, now felt uncomfortable. Thank God one just ended and the other is about to. I'd suspected through how I've been feeling in those classes and even through a couple of interactions that I'm just not well enough for all that right now. I just end up making a mess. Turning people off. So yea, gonna take a break from all that right now.
Which is disappointing realizing that I've regressed back so far in that way..
But, another big reason to keep working at sobriety again. I'm just so much healthier all the way around when I've been sober for a while. I think especially after the year mark.
I know I'll get there again. My mind is so made up this time. Got almost 2 weeks sober again. Stopped with the "multiple relapse" each weekend that had me start this post. I'm def over that. Now just a matter of trying to get healthy again.
Socially, just gonna try and keep getting myself to meetings. Shake a hand or two. Push myself to at least say hi to newcomers after meetings. And hopefully in the mean time the regulars wont get too turned off at my lack of desire for a lot of interaction.
Seeing myself get out angry tonight really disheartened me. It validated my fears that I'm sick right now. You guys know what I mean. That stuff we deal with that has nothing to do with being an alcoholic/addict. But which def gets made worse by using.. So yea, I'm just disappointed that I'm so sick again with that stuff after making so much progress. But, what i can do but just learn, make it another reason that I make recovery a priority, and just keep moving forward.
I start therapy with a guy on Fri. I'm a touch skeptical, thought I really probably could benefit most from female, but male is what I was assigned. So gonna give it a shot. Going to go in with an open mind.
In other news, I had 2 good auditions today and I met my father for lunch, who happened to be in the area for work. We had a nice visit, mainly because we both avoided anything controversial. But it was nice. Seemed we both showed up with a desire to make most of the visit and it turned out well. So, thats my day. Some good, some not so good, but I'm working at it.
Hope you guys are well. Let me know whats up with ya'll. Or anyone else who may be listening
Chris
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hiya Chris :-) kudos to you , i just love your honesty.
You say you are closed off etc , yet in here i find you totally the opposite.
You speak from your heart and are so articulate .
What you feel you are lacking you makeup 10fold in here and you are going to help so many people in (SR)
.i love reading your posts
:-)
You say you are closed off etc , yet in here i find you totally the opposite.
You speak from your heart and are so articulate .
What you feel you are lacking you makeup 10fold in here and you are going to help so many people in (SR)
.i love reading your posts
:-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Actorchris, you are being so hard on yourself for what you see as your lack of participation in the meetings. And things in general. Seems to me you're going there and going beyond your comfort zone as much as you can right now. The meetings do say "Take what you need and leave the rest". It's ok to do that. Maybe it's time to get comfortable with who you are right at this time instead of beating yourself up for what you are not right now. Right now you're sort of withdrawn into yourself. Taking stock. Maybe that's where you need to be. Yes, you have to try not to be rude but it's ok to be yourself right now even if nobody else likes it or gets it. Be gentle with yourself. Your anxiety seems very high. High anxiety is so uncomfortable and it leads to much undesirable behavior. Try to let some of it go and just be where you are right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 68
Hi guys! Snoozy, thanks for the kind words Elseware, you as well.
Today is the Friday. Weekends were a problem last month, but no more. Not using NO Matter What! No desire. And even if desire came, I'd fight through it. Make a call. Both.
Using no longer an option.
Got an audition this morning and then my first therapy session with this therapist. Now, what I really wanted was a female who specializes in attachment disorder, or at least has a lot of experience in it. What I was assigned was a guy, who it sounds like specializes in addiction.. So I'm a little skeptical going in, but going to go on positive and open and see how it feels. And if I don't think its a fit I'll just say so. But I am HOPEFUL. I've been wanting to get help with this issue since i finally figured out what it was about a year ago. But which I've been suffering with my whole life, just never knew what it was.
In fact, recovery, ironically, made it all the more difficult to figure out! Not that I am at all sorry for spending most of adult life in recovery, it saved my life ( I had 3 years, then 5 years before getting this last 2 years)
But when I would tell my sponsor that I thought there was something else wrong with me, something that made me not want to interact and which got in the way of me having relationships like the other people I saw in recovery (or in life), he would say, "Oh thats just your ego's need to be different". And I would nod and go along.
When I would say, "I dont really want to interact with other people very much" He would say, "That's just your disease's desire to keep you isolated" .. And for years this went on. Over a decade. But this problem persisted, and grew. Kept me from ever really getting all there is to get in recovery because as well known as I always was, I didnt have any relationships. And if anything, people thinking I'm stuck up made it more difficult because I had to face a good deal of disdain.
So ANYWAY, I say that to say that is was really liberating to finally figure out what is really going on, and that i in fact DO have something else I'm dealing with that others even in recovery are not, and which may have been a driving force in my using drugs, but which actually has nothing to do with my "disease of addiction". Completely seperate matter. Related, but seperate. So now I'm just glad to have finally identified that and now I'm hoping to finally be able to get some help. Though, I worry about my prospects. I'm at least going to take the action I can take.
So thats it for today guys. I'm gonna do those two things, then maybe go to a coffee shop tonight and write. That's what's up with me. Hope you guys are well today. Love to hear latest with you!
Chris
Elseware, you as well. Today is the Friday. Weekends were a problem last month, but no more. Not using NO Matter What! No desire. And even if desire came, I'd fight through it. Make a call. Both.
Using no longer an option.
Got an audition this morning and then my first therapy session with this therapist. Now, what I really wanted was a female who specializes in attachment disorder, or at least has a lot of experience in it. What I was assigned was a guy, who it sounds like specializes in addiction.. So I'm a little skeptical going in, but going to go on positive and open and see how it feels. And if I don't think its a fit I'll just say so. But I am HOPEFUL. I've been wanting to get help with this issue since i finally figured out what it was about a year ago. But which I've been suffering with my whole life, just never knew what it was.
In fact, recovery, ironically, made it all the more difficult to figure out! Not that I am at all sorry for spending most of adult life in recovery, it saved my life ( I had 3 years, then 5 years before getting this last 2 years)
But when I would tell my sponsor that I thought there was something else wrong with me, something that made me not want to interact and which got in the way of me having relationships like the other people I saw in recovery (or in life), he would say, "Oh thats just your ego's need to be different". And I would nod and go along.
When I would say, "I dont really want to interact with other people very much" He would say, "That's just your disease's desire to keep you isolated" .. And for years this went on. Over a decade. But this problem persisted, and grew. Kept me from ever really getting all there is to get in recovery because as well known as I always was, I didnt have any relationships. And if anything, people thinking I'm stuck up made it more difficult because I had to face a good deal of disdain.
So ANYWAY, I say that to say that is was really liberating to finally figure out what is really going on, and that i in fact DO have something else I'm dealing with that others even in recovery are not, and which may have been a driving force in my using drugs, but which actually has nothing to do with my "disease of addiction". Completely seperate matter. Related, but seperate. So now I'm just glad to have finally identified that and now I'm hoping to finally be able to get some help. Though, I worry about my prospects. I'm at least going to take the action I can take.
So thats it for today guys. I'm gonna do those two things, then maybe go to a coffee shop tonight and write. That's what's up with me. Hope you guys are well today. Love to hear latest with you!
Chris
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