Terrified of Relapsing
I normally try to avoid being gloom-and-doom, but I'm pretty scared- not depressed, or sad, or sorry, but actually terrified- that I'll relapse again in the future on heroin.
There's nothing I want more in the entire world than being clean. I needed to tell people the truth, because I feel like sometimes in the rooms it's hard to come clean about how truly scared I am. I know I can't save my ass and my face at the same time ... I'm learning.
I'm such an addict. Like an addict-addict. The kind that dies from their addiction(s). The rest of my life is orderly. I'm a successful professional with a good reputation in my field. Yet, I struggle with intense cravings and restless desire. It can feel all-consuming, to the point where I lose my mind, literally. No person in their right mind would ever use heroin. But I did. All the while getting on the Dean's List each semester in school, excelling at multiple internships and being an exemplary employee, at the same time. No one could imagine that I'm an addict. I just don't seem that stupid. But I am!
I'm struggling with a really intense fear that I will succumb to using again. Working on my relationship with my Higher Power is difficult, because I don't have an HP yet that doesn't think I should use. The HP I have right now is mostly indifferent to me using, provided I don't hurt anyone in the process. Since I've always been gainfully employed and funded my own addiction with money I've earned at work, technically, my HP doesn't seem too judgmental about me dying from using. Why? How can I change this? I'm pretty freaked out!
By the way, I quit smoking cigarettes over four years ago and never looked back. Why can't I do the same with opiates? What the hell is wrong with me?
I had a small f-up this past weekend with Suboxone, which I'm currently taking each day at a small dose. This is the first time I've gone off my doctor-mandated plan which has included a steady taper. I've always done exactly what the doc said, even when it made me nervous or experience some cravings. The clinic loves me - the doctor practically considers me a peer, and throughout my life I've found it easy to minimize my disease because other people usually think I'm doing just fine. That I'm normal.... Whatever that's supposed to mean ....
Thanks in advance ...