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|05-06-2013, 04:18 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2013
Terrified of Relapsing
I normally try to avoid being gloom-and-doom, but I'm pretty scared- not depressed, or sad, or sorry, but actually terrified- that I'll relapse again in the future on heroin.
There's nothing I want more in the entire world than being clean. I needed to tell people the truth, because I feel like sometimes in the rooms it's hard to come clean about how truly scared I am. I know I can't save my ass and my face at the same time ... I'm learning.
I'm such an addict. Like an addict-addict. The kind that dies from their addiction(s). The rest of my life is orderly. I'm a successful professional with a good reputation in my field. Yet, I struggle with intense cravings and restless desire. It can feel all-consuming, to the point where I lose my mind, literally. No person in their right mind would ever use heroin. But I did. All the while getting on the Dean's List each semester in school, excelling at multiple internships and being an exemplary employee, at the same time. No one could imagine that I'm an addict. I just don't seem that stupid. But I am!
I'm struggling with a really intense fear that I will succumb to using again. Working on my relationship with my Higher Power is difficult, because I don't have an HP yet that doesn't think I should use. The HP I have right now is mostly indifferent to me using, provided I don't hurt anyone in the process. Since I've always been gainfully employed and funded my own addiction with money I've earned at work, technically, my HP doesn't seem too judgmental about me dying from using. Why? How can I change this? I'm pretty freaked out!
By the way, I quit smoking cigarettes over four years ago and never looked back. Why can't I do the same with opiates? What the hell is wrong with me?
I had a small f-up this past weekend with Suboxone, which I'm currently taking each day at a small dose. This is the first time I've gone off my doctor-mandated plan which has included a steady taper. I've always done exactly what the doc said, even when it made me nervous or experience some cravings. The clinic loves me - the doctor practically considers me a peer, and throughout my life I've found it easy to minimize my disease because other people usually think I'm doing just fine. That I'm normal.... Whatever that's supposed to mean ....
Thanks in advance ...
"You never know what life is like, until you have lived it." -- Marilyn Monroe
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|05-07-2013, 10:52 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2010
I think for me, selfishness is the root of all my fear. I think waaayyy ! too much about me, myself, my problems, my fears....me, me, me.
I follow the AA program which teaches us what to do with fear...
We ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.
Do the best you can each day.
Take spotlight of self.
Give yourself a break.
Be encouraged today!
|The Following User Says Thank You to Veritas1 For This Useful Post:|| |
|05-09-2013, 12:41 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York State
Hi GraceRecovery...I'm Gmoney and I'm an addict:
Since you didn't mention how long you've been clean, I'm assuming that you're fairly new to recovery. Welcome.
My experience in early recovery was similar to yours. I had a lot of anger, resentment and fear going on with me. I was afraid of today and tomorrow...especially tomorrow. And coming from a background of multiple relapses...it was only natural to not have a lot of confidence in my ability to stay clean. Similar to you, I was a "functional addict" who was educated and established...and looking back...I realize that it was my "terminal uniqueness" that kept me from being willing to go to any lengths to stay clean. Oh sure...I could get clean...and did so many times. But it was only after I came to NA that I found lasting recovery.
In NA I learned that, just for today, I never had to use again. I learned that as long as I kept it just that simple, I could stay clean one day at a time. As I began following the suggestions of meeting attendance, reading the literature, joining a home group, getting a sponsor and working the steps...I found my fear of using lessening and my faith in recovery growing. It wasn't long before my obsession with using became a thing of the past...I was free to live in today.
NA teaches us that we can call our Higher Power God, The Program or The Group. Just for today I choose to rely on all three because NA is a God-given program and the Fellowship is the help that God provides for me to recover. On a daily basis I know I can rely on the NA program and the fellowship to help restore me to sanity. Fear is a lack of faith...and if you go to meetings there is overwhelming evidence of the program working in the lives of the NA members there.
If we can do it...so can you.
"We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident." - Basic Text, 5th Ed.
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