Today it starts

[roma92]

Today, Thursday, May 06, 2004, its 5:16am and I am numb. Today I decided I am going to sign that book, I want it so bad, something as simple and foolish as putting my name and a date in a book and its my world right now!

I am numb; I stood over the toilet for 15 mins, a full bottle of pills in my hand. Fighting, the addiction screaming in my head, HAHAHA! Now I know how Frodo felt when he had to throw the ring in the volcano! (MY PRESIOUS!). I thank all of you, your words and your encouragement that gave me the strength to toss and flush, I did it! Now I am numb, its day one, in about one hour the full throttle of the withdrawals will kick in and my hell will begin, tonight’s meeting couldn’t come fast enough, I just hope I get the chance to speak tonight! I think I may make some phone calls to people who have offered it.

At 1:00 I am seeing my Doctor about a new, non-narcotic treatment that may cure me of my pain, may, no guarantees, but the chances are really good. The trick is I have to NOT ask for a refill. I want more than anything right now to be clean for the rest of my life, more so than my addiction, but ask me in a few hours when I have RL, sweats, incessant yawning, runny nose, anxiety, shakes, nausea, ask me then, I am afraid my addiction will grow into Godzilla on steroids and convince me to ask for a refill!

You guys keep me strong, I want it more than anything, but not letting you all down, facing the guilt and shame of relapse is the extra push I think I need.

Pray for me


((((everyone)))))

[spirit]

hey roma,

well done, that sounds like a really tough thing to do.

good luck with the next steps and keep going forward

you know what to look out for so you already heavily armed!!

cheers
kath

[Cec]

roma92,
My thoughts are reaching out to you today that you will find a genuine peace. It's so important to just reach out. As I have found this week, asking for help is the key. You folks gathered here at this site made the difference for me this week. Now, I hope we can help make a difference for you!
Cec

[mackat]

roma92
whole passle of halfling folk on your side- and i sense the presence of a wiz or two
hang in there
hugs
mackat

[bikewench]

Roma...

I will be praying for the warmth and calmness of the ALL to fill you today. That you may detach from the physical... and surround yourself with the healing power of creation.. which you are a part of.

I pray that you have continued clarity around using... and that you will rise above your addict and get to live the promises of the program... for they are real... and they are worth the pain.

[Gooch]

what mack said! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers today. If I remember correctly, you indicated you weren't too sure about teh God stuff...If you need to call on a higher power for the strength to get through the next 5 minutes, feel free to borrow mine.

[Dan]

Yep, and if Gooch's is busy, mine just loves the overtime!
Will be doing the Gandalf thing with you today roma.

[ashley80]

Roma, I admire your courage. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Ashley

[In memory of miracle]

(((roma))) Wow! I am sendin pray your way.. you are a power of example !Peace...Trish. :boat

[godsonmyside]

At times you may want to turn back, no matter what dont pick up. You can have my higher power too. Pain at the time seems like hell, on the other side the rewards are great. hang in there.

[phoenixfalling]

I am completely impressed Roma - just tossing those took so much strength that I know you can get through the withdrawal. I am now Day 7 - and I'm feeling a little better, and you will avery day too. Make sure your doc helps with the withdrawals - be strong - Peace be with you.

[roma92]

Thank you everyone, it means allot to me, more so than I can say. Late in the day, 3.5 hours till my NA meeting, withdrawals have kicked in and its been hard, I really hate myself for having to be here again. No use in joining the shoulda, woulda, coulda club now, but still, this sucks!!! I tell you though, I am glad I flushed those pills and I didn’t ask my doctor for a refill this afternoon, cause if I had those pills, I just don’t know.

Thank you for the prayers, I need them, and I am praying to God myself, work is going to be very hard over this next week or 2!

[ashley80]

My thoughts are with you. I hope the WD's are not as bad as you fear. I am facing the same myself in a day or so. I think the FEAR is the worst part. And again, much admiration for your courage in flushing your pills.
Ashley

[mackat]

roma
big congrats on flushing
you are being held in prayers

mackat

[Timebuster]

Roma

God Bless You.. Hang in there.. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Timebuster