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Old 01-18-2013, 08:08 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Crush on a girl in my NA meeting!

Has anyone ever had a crush on someone that you've met in NA?? She has 18 months and I have 53 days lol She's just so beautiful and I want to talk to her and maybe even ask her out. I dunno tho does NA have rules against this kind of stuff??
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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NA doesnt have rules.
i didnt listen when suggested to not get into any relationships for the 1st year. found out i was only gonna get someone as sick as me attracted to me. i didnt have anything to offer exceppt the sick man i was.it wasnt good. it kept me from working the steps and changing me.

2 sickies dont make a wellie.
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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What tomsteve said.

There's good reason it's suggested not to get into any relationship for at least a year. That time is well spent on getting yourself well. If you're not well, neither will be the relationship.
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Old 01-18-2013, 12:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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"2 sickies don't make a wellie"
...so true.

They don't have "rules", but it is suggested to stay out of a relationship your first year of recovery. This is the time to focus on YOU, and getting better. Of course, everyone is different. I met my boyfriend when I had 40 days clean, he had almost 5 years clean. We now live together and are expecting a child together. You have to ask yourself how much you truly have to offer in a relationship, and be 100% honest with the answer.

Don't forget, you can't give love to someone the way they deserve to be loved until you truly, unconditionally love yourself.
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Old 01-18-2013, 01:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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curious, babygrandx, how's the relationship working out for you? My story is almost exactly the same, except baby came along 3 years ago. Relationship is still sick. Neither he nor I did the work necessary to be first healthy ourselves.
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Old 01-18-2013, 01:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I've had crushes on women in my homegroup. Yes.

I would like to meet a woman who doesn't smoke or drink. Putting the one-year clean requirement aside for a second, I wonder what is the proper approach to meeting women in the fellowship? I have heard so many stories from women in NA about how guys in NA have done and said wildly inappropriate things and it sounds like they get hit on all the time by men in NA. It's creepy and unhealthy and maybe unsafe.

I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or endanger anyone's recovery or sense of trust in the program, but, well, it would be nice to have some companionship with a woman who is clean.

I'd consider dating a non-addict, but having a drink or wine on a date has always been part of the romantic dinner date that I can't imagine the weirdness of a date with a non-addict and no drinking, or she has a few but I don't. Add this to the fact that I'm lousy at dating and relationships and I haven't been on a "date" date since high school that didn't involve a beer or a glass of wine or smoking herb.
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Old 01-18-2013, 01:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Fatally,
I read what you write and clearly you have much to offer a mate. You'd do well, I really believe, to get yourself in a solid place first, before investing in a relationship. I truly think that had I given myself that first year off habitual drug use to focus on being healthy myself I'd have a much sounder relationship now. Instead I never gave myself time to really work on what needed work. I thought that since I wasn't using I was good to go. But it's those reasons we use in the first place that need to be dealt with. Using isn't the problem, it's merely a symptom of what is the problem.

Enjoy the company of others, for now. Use the time to build on fashioning yourself into the person you want to be. Friendships, I've found, have so very much to offer. Be a friend for now, relationship later. Just a suggestion however of course, based on observation of self and others.
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Old 01-18-2013, 01:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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curious, babygrandx, how's the relationship working out for you? My story is almost exactly the same, except baby came along 3 years ago. Relationship is still sick. Neither he nor I did the work necessary to be first healthy ourselves.
We are very happy together. Like I said, he's been around for a minute now so he has had the time to practice the spiritual principals in his daily life, build a network, get some steps under his belt and I am obviously a lot newer than him but he has been very supportive and very understanding of my own personal growth with my recovery, and my God. We keep our recovery not only first, but separate from each others. Maybe you guys should take some time for yourselves? It's so important!
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Look,the two of you have a problem. It is important that you focus on sorting out the problem rather than getting in to a relationship that may complicate an already complicated case. However, if you genuinely fall for each other, you can still forge on and who knows....
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:28 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Has anyone ever had a crush on someone that you've met in NA?? She has 18 months and I have 53 days lol She's just so beautiful and I want to talk to her and maybe even ask her out. I dunno tho does NA have rules against this kind of stuff??
NA Basic Text states, “One of our biggest stumbling blocks in recovery seems to be placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others. Relationships in early recovery can be a terribly painful area.

The key too our recovery in this area is found in the NA quote…"unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others." When we get into a relationship we can easily put unrealistic expectations on other people. We want them to love and adore us sometimes becoming hurt and angry if we see any evidence to the contrary. In fact, some of us can be so guarded that we refuse to love someone else until we get an absolute guarantee they will not leave us (a definite unrealistic expectation).

Of course no one can live up to unrealistic expectations so as the basic text says, "If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands.” So what is the key to a successful relationship?

Faith….a dependence on a higher power that is greater than any dependency on another person. When we believe our Higher Power loves us and is looking out for our best interests our fear lessens. We realize that people go in and out of our lives. People are placed in our lives for our own best interest, and people leave our lives for our own best interest. Our Higher Power loves us so much that he removes people from our lives to make room for better ones.

So what can we do to help this process? Practice. Allow people to move in and out of your life without any expectations. Date lots of different people and enjoy yourself.

Just don’t become sexual, until you have dated for awhile and have decided it is someone you would like a committed relationship with. By this time some of your fears should have subsided as well as some of your expectations.

Here is a link to a non-approved NA literature. Relationships and Recovery: A Basic Text on Relationships for Addicts and Alcoholics: Joey B.: 9781450703369: Amazon.com: Books The Author: Joey B. has been clean and sober for over twenty years.

Please keep me informed of your progress.

TB
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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There's beautiful women everywhere(in my city anyway)I leave the girls in meetings alone,Im sure they are there for recovery and not to get hit on.

I know if I asked a girl out at a meeting and she said no,Id probably never go to that meeting again...but thats me.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I have a little over a year clean and I highly doubt I'm ready for a relationship.. at least I can be honest with myself today. I met a girl who had 30 days clean and I had like 60. We exchanged numbers and it moved really fast. It didn't work out and I'm extremely lucky I didn't relapse or harm myself, that's how bad it hurt. I was so raw emotionally that there's no way I should've been putting myself in my situation. But I learned from my experience and haven't been in a relationship since. It really sucks sometimes, but the whole goal for me is to be happy with myself. It becomes unhealthy when I'm relying on someone else to provide me happiness. There's an old-timer in my group who says when he started coming around everyone said two years no relationships, then that turned into one year. Now you hardly ever hear anyone talk about it at my group. I've seen newcomers go back out with each other, and have had friends where their girlfriends in the program go back out and it's not pretty.. At the end of my day my sponsor told me the choice is yours but ask yourself if you are equipped to deal with the consequences. I'm hard headed and even though I knew the answer was no I got involved lol.
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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the last time i relasped, which was in 2010 i had right at 8 months clean and it steemed from a very very nasty breakup. she had 60 days, and broke up with me and started dating someone else in the group, pretty much just to rub it in my face. i didn't handle it well. then i called my sponsor and that was the straw that broke the camels back beucase he got tired of me calling and told me to find a new sponsor.

even with that said, i wasn't ready. this about it like this. the girl has 18 months you have 53 days. what do you think you have to offer who has 18 months of soberity? you are barley clean. it's not a knock on you but why set yourself up for a let down. then you being the addict that you are like i am, you get down on yourself beucase you don't think you are good enough but in reality you just aren't there yet. you dont' have aything to really offer anyone beucase you haven't fixed YOU yet.


I got al ittle over 2 years clean. i am 29, i work out everyday and i'm single. i PROMISE YOU lol, that once you get your **** together the women aren't going anywhere. and if they do go somewhere you didn't want them anyway. just be patient. this coming from a guy who is used to preetty much getting to pick and chose which women he wants to date having to sit for a year or so year and some months while very cute woen in and out of recovery are dating guys he knows he stacks up better than, but it just wasn't my time yet.

worry about YOU. give yourself a year at least to fix YOU. the women will come. maybe even that one.
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Old 02-16-2013, 04:57 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I had a massive crush on a guy in my home group in early recovery. Knee knocking.

One of the first and most useful things I learned in recovery is that feelings alone won't hurt us. We can feel them. We can sit with them, it's what we choose to do with them, behavior that might end up hurting us and others or helping us and others.

I don't think it's a bad thing to remember that the people in the room are addicts. Most addicts have issues with more than one thing. It's not just substances. We have a tendency to be pretty erratic, all or nothing in our lives in general.

And people new to recovery often relapse. Or are still in relationships with people who use. Getting involved with someone we don't know, and exposing ourselves to all their unresolved issues just isn't safe. I don't need an addict with a bunch of addict friends to know my personal business, where I live etc. There IS something to that "Anonymous" thing. Truly.

I know me. And I know how I get in relationships. And I had just gotten out of a relationship with an addict with 4 years clean, and it was nutso, even though he lived and breathed NA (lived in a half way house working with other addicts).

I also had a front seat view of the drama of relationships between other people in the rooms. Boy oh boy, you couldn't make up stories like THAT if you tried!

A crush is a crush is a crush. It can be fun and painful and make you feel more alive than you've felt for a long time. Enjoy that, feel it, don't need to act on it. A crush isn't the same as love or friendship or partnership. It's wild attraction, and all fine and well, but it's often wise to keep a crush to ourselves, whether it be in or outside the rooms.

When I get too involved with people in the rooms, it's no longer Anonymous. I find myself worrying over what they think, how they will react, etc and I find myself undermining my own recovery. And that was with NON romantic/sexual relationships.
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Old 02-16-2013, 07:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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If the rule is, "no relationships for the first year" than does that mean that I should not get a job the first year either? A person should just focus on meetings and nothing else?
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Old 02-16-2013, 10:00 AM   #16 (permalink)
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If the rule is, "no relationships for the first year" than does that mean that I should not get a job the first year either? A person should just focus on meetings and nothing else?
Hi Justfor1,

There is no rule in NA pertaining "no relationships” the 1st year in recovery. Its only a suggestion.

The newcomer, my life is unmanageable and I want to share it with YOU.

Keep recovery at the forefront of our life. Get a sponsor, work the steps, get a commitment. All other things will come on our Higher Powers time, not ours.

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Old 02-16-2013, 10:47 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I agree with TB. There are no rules regarding relationships in the first year (or any year of recovery) in NA. The suggestion of staying out of a "romantic relationship" or making any "major decisions" is one that originated in treatment facilities a while back. Although these suggestions aren't from NA doesn't mean that they don't have merit. I recall when I had 3 months or so clean...and although many of the women I saw and met in meetings were attractive to me, I knew that I wasn't in any shape to enter into a relationship...especially a healthy one. Honestly...I was tore up, confused and my feelings were all over the place. That's what I had to offer.

NA teaches us to keep our priorities first. I've seen way too many members (old and new) get distracted by relationships before putting in the work to become healthy themselves, and the results were generally disasterous. Some stay clean, keep coming back and are the wiser from their experience...some don't.
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Old 02-19-2013, 02:32 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Note, dating in the rooms is not taboo. that's not what i am trying to say.

I'm saying that crap in general, you should not be worrying about dating someone else if your house is not in order. That generally takes a year to a year and a half. by house I mean mental, physical, financial, etc. You need to get back on your feet.

And you DEFIANTLY don't need to be dating an ADDICT with less than one year clean. You don't know what character defects that person might have or what their true intentions are.

There was a girl that if she is still clean in NA and she's still single i'd date her in a heartbeat. very very pretty, smart, serious about her recovery.. but when i met her she only had like 6 months and she going through DHS and all that and it's just too much to deal with and i had my stuff to deal wtih. But if she's still clean now she has right at 2 years beucase she's 2 months less than I am.

Don't be in a rush. I never erlaly had a problem with women so I don't necessarily go out of my way to date inside the rooms but if someone strikes me as someone i have to have in the rooms if they are doing what they are supposed to do there is no real issue.
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Old 02-19-2013, 02:40 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Hahaha I'm sure the MAJORITY of people in recovery have had this experience. If not, certainly a lot have! I know I did. Luckily for me, I was way too shy to voice anything to her and didn't up taking it anywhere because I know if I did, I would have relapsed. I just got into a relationship 3 months after celebrating 2 years and it has been some of the hardest times for ME because allllll of my insecurities were multiplied by like 5 in a relationship. That is my story though and I'm not saying it will happen to you. Just what my experience has been.

There aren't any rules against it either and the only thing I would say if you do pursue it is to make sure your clean time is NUMBER ONE over everything. It is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING if you are an addict and girls/relationships can certainly take the focus off of it. In my opinion, staying alive is much more important than having some good times with a lovely female...
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Old 02-19-2013, 10:02 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I have noticed people who go to AA meetings as couples, who both identify as alcoholics. I have no idea if they met each other through AA or not, but it isn't unlikely. as for myself I have a crush on a woman at my nominal home group who is probably five to ten years older than me and has a bunch more sober time, so I have no qualms about dreaming of her, though she is a small business owner and very self-sufficient and everything so throw it all together and I have very little chance.
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