The hurt that fuel my addiction

[Timebuster]

Hi my sr family

I have been doing a lot of soul searching in last forty eight hours. Going back into my past, looking at different times in my life,. I can’t remember too much about my early childhood. But I do remember being in all sorts of trouble with my mom, usual kid stuff playing games, being bad and driving my mother up the wall. In nineteen sixties New York had a black out. Our lights and the neighborhood and street lights went out. We were in complete dark. I remember being so scared. I started crying out for my mother. I was terrified I didn’t know what was going on. I ask her what happen to the lights and I remember her saying to me, you see what you did God is punishing you for being bad. I look at my mother and I believed her. God did this because of me, God is one powerful dude. Scared and thinking about all the things I did wrong in my young life I decided right there and then that if I don’t believe in God then he went be able to hurt or punish me. So I completely closed my heart to God. If I only knew then that decision was going to hurt me for a very long time. So now am a teenager growing up fast. But something is missing, I feel uncomfortable with life, there is this void in inside of me. I don’t feel loved and I feel empty inside. Mind you that drugs and alcohol were not in the picture yet. In nineteen seventy two I meet my first love. I fell deeply in love with these girl. I felt alive. Someone who loves me. The feeling of emptiness being uncomfortable and the void were all gone. She was a my dream come true. We did everything together, we went everywhere together, we talk on the phone for days it seemed. She was my first sexual partner. We both like sports and we liked the same teams. We played football she quarterback and I would receive. She would pitch and I would hit. She had some arm for just being 5 ft 2. A year and a half went by and we got engage. I was never that happy in my hole life. Then one day she called me and I knew there was something wrong from the sound of her voice. She said she didn’t want to be with me anymore and that we should breakup and then she hang up the phone. I tried to call her back several hundred times but she wouldn’t pick up the phone. I was shattered, my heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest. I started crying I mean crying I loved her so much she was my world. I was in so much pain I cant even describe it. The next day I went to her house but she didn’t want to talk to me. I pleaded with her please: please talk to me, tell me what’s wrong what happened she refused to come out to talk to me. I was so hurt I cried all the way home. For weeks I tried to get in touch with her but she refused to speak to me. A month later me and a friend drove over to her neighborhood. I went down the street were she lives and there she was, holding hands with her new boyfriend. Seeing her with him crushed me. At that moment I knew it was really over. On the way back home I made a vow never to love again. I closed my heart not just to women but to all of life. I somehow thought that would protect me from being hurt again. After this relationship my life was never the same I went downhill. I needed to numb this pain. I started drinking Alcohol then the Drugs and then came the horrible relationships that came and gone. No women could fill the shoes of my first love. I was so much in love with this girl that after thirty years, I still had vivid dreams of her. She was my reason for living, She was my higher power, she was my God. I could not let her go, it destroyed me. The only two women in my life that I truly loved. Because Of one I stop believing in God and the other one broke my heart. I know I said a lot but I needed to get in touch with these feelings I need to get better. Today I’m clean and sober and I have found my higher power that I choose to call God. Am also working on love and intimacy.

Thanks for Listening
Timebuster

[bikewench]

Today I’m clean and sober and I have found my higher power that I choose to call God. Am also working on love and intimacy.

Hey Timebuster...

Sounds like your making all the beneficial moves for yourself.

Trying to make a human our HP is a recipe for disaster for sure.... and even putting another human before our HP on the priority list is also dangerous for addictive personalities. But... once one knows that soul swallowing hole is out there and we know what it looks like... it gets easier and easier to not fall in.

Besides... the one common denominator in all my failed relationships was ME! So... I obviously set myself up for certain responses.



Just keep on keeping on... ; )

[Gooch]

Hi TB.... had a similiar experience when i was young.. a man i trusted to teach me about god told me I was a sinner for going fishing with my dad. I'm the one who decided not to have anything to do with god after that because I believed some knucklehead insted of trusting what I allready knew in my heart about god.

Glad your here and working on your part in things. it gets better.

[dotcom]

time,

i would have to agree with bike and gooch. it is not them, it is how WE react to THEM. blame just makes life a whole lot more bitter and digs the hole deeper. my ex did numerous unjustices to me, etc. and i blamed him for so long for my unhappiness and misery... when in fact, it was ME who is responsible for making ME happy. and now i can see it was a two way street. regardless if it was not a 2 way street, holding resentments and blame puts it all on us. now, who wants that?! i am really enjoying not taking things from the group i go to to "heart". im going back tonite to it and am going for ME. not for drama, not becuz of anything else but ME. i could blame all my using on my ex because he gave me my first line. but, ya know... he is not my business. he is no better or worse than i am and it is my choice to use/get clean. being mad at him just enables me to use/b**** more. think about it. are you happy with YOU?

hugs,

dot