No regrets
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
No regrets
In the wee hours of the morning on Thursday I found myself in the emergency room at the hospital after work. It was my heart. Twenty years clean has healed alot of the physical problems brought on by active addiction but there is some wreckage that can't be resolved and the damage done to my heart falls into that category.
This was my third heart attack and I thought this one was going to be the last. Funny thing though, as I lay there with machines hooked up everywhere, I started running through my day in what I figured was going to be my last tenth step and I realized something.
I didn't wake up that morning in prison or under a bridge; instead I woke up in my comfortable bed, in my beautiful house, next to the woman I love. I was able to tell her I loved her, I called my father like I do every morning and tell him that I love him too. I called two newcomers in NA throughout the day and told them that I was thinking of them. I went to my job and worked an honest days work trying to keep food on the table and care for my family.
At the end of the day, faced with what could have been my final tenth step, I had not a single regret or anything that I felt that I had to make amends for. As Ilooked back on my day I realized that there was noting about my day that I would have changed. I had lived it exactly how I would have if I had known that it was going to be my last day.
That is the gift of this program - to think that the wretched shell of a person who crawled into this program back in 92 would have ever journeyed to a place where I could live my day without a single regret is beyond comprehension. I survived of course, but you know, it would have been a good day to die. Since that turned out to not be the case, it's a good day to live too.
This was my third heart attack and I thought this one was going to be the last. Funny thing though, as I lay there with machines hooked up everywhere, I started running through my day in what I figured was going to be my last tenth step and I realized something.
I didn't wake up that morning in prison or under a bridge; instead I woke up in my comfortable bed, in my beautiful house, next to the woman I love. I was able to tell her I loved her, I called my father like I do every morning and tell him that I love him too. I called two newcomers in NA throughout the day and told them that I was thinking of them. I went to my job and worked an honest days work trying to keep food on the table and care for my family.
At the end of the day, faced with what could have been my final tenth step, I had not a single regret or anything that I felt that I had to make amends for. As Ilooked back on my day I realized that there was noting about my day that I would have changed. I had lived it exactly how I would have if I had known that it was going to be my last day.
That is the gift of this program - to think that the wretched shell of a person who crawled into this program back in 92 would have ever journeyed to a place where I could live my day without a single regret is beyond comprehension. I survived of course, but you know, it would have been a good day to die. Since that turned out to not be the case, it's a good day to live too.
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