A Sponsorship Guide For 12 Step Programs by M.T.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
A Sponsorship Guide For 12 Step Programs by M.T.
Just as my 12 Step program helped me organize and simplify my life, this guide dramatically helped me to organize and simplify my sponsorship methods.
A little while ago, I was wishibg for a "learning day' on sponsorship. How nice it would be, I thought, to ask questions of other sponsors---as a group--and learn from their experiences. It seemed to me that my experiences were probably being duplicated every day, yet I didn't have access to all of those results (as we often do we so many other topics of recovery that are shared in meetings). Rather than reinventing the wheel with every situation new to me, I thought it would be easier, and more beneficail, to learn from others who had been there before me.
The process started by developing a questionaire, then interviewing people whose recovery I admired and who I knew were experienced sponsors. Altogether, seventeen sponsors were interviewed.
I am writing this as a service, there are so many books and pamphlets on the steps, and so little on this all-important aspect of the recovery process. In meetings we share the most intimate details of our lives, but it is the rare share that talks about sponsorship: Either we have a sponsor or we are a sponsor---or both! But not every person has a great sponsor (this read is for you) and even if you do, there are bound to be situations that come up that are not in their own sponsor's experience (this read is for both of you). And even if a sponsor has experience with an issue, their approach may not be the best for the situation at hand. Realizing that, the sponsor may not know what to suggest (this read is also for you). I've found that it's tough enough to know what direction to take with your own life, let alone to direct someone else's----even if you have some objectivity about it. This is meant as a resource for those new situations and for new ideas to old situations.
Does this thread answer every question about sponsorship? Of course not. This is not meant to be the last word on the subject, but the first. I hope you get as much out of reading this as I have in writing it.
Can you hear me now! Can you hear me now!
Just for Today----------------------I am Clean and Sober
A little while ago, I was wishibg for a "learning day' on sponsorship. How nice it would be, I thought, to ask questions of other sponsors---as a group--and learn from their experiences. It seemed to me that my experiences were probably being duplicated every day, yet I didn't have access to all of those results (as we often do we so many other topics of recovery that are shared in meetings). Rather than reinventing the wheel with every situation new to me, I thought it would be easier, and more beneficail, to learn from others who had been there before me.
The process started by developing a questionaire, then interviewing people whose recovery I admired and who I knew were experienced sponsors. Altogether, seventeen sponsors were interviewed.
I am writing this as a service, there are so many books and pamphlets on the steps, and so little on this all-important aspect of the recovery process. In meetings we share the most intimate details of our lives, but it is the rare share that talks about sponsorship: Either we have a sponsor or we are a sponsor---or both! But not every person has a great sponsor (this read is for you) and even if you do, there are bound to be situations that come up that are not in their own sponsor's experience (this read is for both of you). And even if a sponsor has experience with an issue, their approach may not be the best for the situation at hand. Realizing that, the sponsor may not know what to suggest (this read is also for you). I've found that it's tough enough to know what direction to take with your own life, let alone to direct someone else's----even if you have some objectivity about it. This is meant as a resource for those new situations and for new ideas to old situations.
Does this thread answer every question about sponsorship? Of course not. This is not meant to be the last word on the subject, but the first. I hope you get as much out of reading this as I have in writing it.
Can you hear me now! Can you hear me now!
Just for Today----------------------I am Clean and Sober
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
On Sponsorship
I have a Narcotics Anonymous sponsor who works a Narcotics Anonymous Program. We work the steps using the step writing guide in the above post..."How It Works " (a WSO approved piece of Narcotics Anonymous literature) .. I also try to suggest to my sponsees that they only try to work steps from one fellowship at a time with one sponsor, and if they want to continue to work with me we get going on the NA step writing guide. Before I sponsor anyone I hand them IP #23 (Sponsorship)and ask them to read it through and then give me a call. Was told "If you want what we have do what we do" I been doing what they did and I'm getting what they got. Everytime I try and customize the program Iget unproven results.. I have learned not to wander too far from the proven course without a co-navigator.
Gooch Just For Today I am clean
One Disease
One Program
One Promise
"Unity means never having to say I am sober"
Gooch Just For Today I am clean
One Disease
One Program
One Promise
"Unity means never having to say I am sober"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Re: A Sponsorship Guide For 12 Step Programs by M.T.
Originally posted by Pernell Johnson
In meetings we share the most intimate details of our lives, but it is the rare share that talks about sponsorship:
In meetings we share the most intimate details of our lives, but it is the rare share that talks about sponsorship:
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Sponsorship
It appears you are antagonistic or think you have a patent. You should at least remain open, willing and able to be objective. Not to say you are because you are not but there is always more to be revealed.
In the fellowship we learn that if we turn over our will, things will just "come." Our Higher Power will put in our path the things we need. This was precisely the case with this coming together. Here are some of the sponsors who appear on this page in this writing and reading.
Bob. B--Los Angeles, California--thirty-two years (has sponsored more than a hundred)
Lisa A. Plantation, Florida--eleven and a half years (has sponsored thirty)
Marriasha--Santa Monica, California---fourteen years (has sponsored twenty five)
Bea S.--Staten Island, New York--six years (has sponsored twelve)
Jeanette A.--Los Angeles, California----thirty-two years (has sponsored more than sixty)
Don--Los Angeles, California--fifteen and a half years (has sponsored a hundred)
Marge M.--Los Angeles, California-- fifteen years (has sponsored fifty)
Leigh G.--Los Angeles, Calfornia--ten years (has sponsored thirteen)
Natalie C.--Las Vegas, Nevada--ten years--(has sponsored thirteen)
Karen W.--Los Angeles, California--four and a half years (has sponsored six)
Lois Z.--Carson City, Nevada--nine years (has sponsored thirty)
Danny M.--Culver City, California--four and a half years (has sponsored ten)
Sunny S.--Las Vegas, Nevada--nine years (has sponsored thirty)
Suzanne--Los Angeles, California--thirteen years (has sponsored three)
Charles H.J.---Los California---ten years (has sponsored thirty-five)
Ed--New York City, New York---seven years (has sponsored fifteen).
In the Beginning
"I tell my sponsees not to compare their recovery to anyone else's; I can only compare me to me."
In the fellowship we learn that if we turn over our will, things will just "come." Our Higher Power will put in our path the things we need. This was precisely the case with this coming together. Here are some of the sponsors who appear on this page in this writing and reading.
Bob. B--Los Angeles, California--thirty-two years (has sponsored more than a hundred)
Lisa A. Plantation, Florida--eleven and a half years (has sponsored thirty)
Marriasha--Santa Monica, California---fourteen years (has sponsored twenty five)
Bea S.--Staten Island, New York--six years (has sponsored twelve)
Jeanette A.--Los Angeles, California----thirty-two years (has sponsored more than sixty)
Don--Los Angeles, California--fifteen and a half years (has sponsored a hundred)
Marge M.--Los Angeles, California-- fifteen years (has sponsored fifty)
Leigh G.--Los Angeles, Calfornia--ten years (has sponsored thirteen)
Natalie C.--Las Vegas, Nevada--ten years--(has sponsored thirteen)
Karen W.--Los Angeles, California--four and a half years (has sponsored six)
Lois Z.--Carson City, Nevada--nine years (has sponsored thirty)
Danny M.--Culver City, California--four and a half years (has sponsored ten)
Sunny S.--Las Vegas, Nevada--nine years (has sponsored thirty)
Suzanne--Los Angeles, California--thirteen years (has sponsored three)
Charles H.J.---Los California---ten years (has sponsored thirty-five)
Ed--New York City, New York---seven years (has sponsored fifteen).
In the Beginning
"I tell my sponsees not to compare their recovery to anyone else's; I can only compare me to me."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
"My gratitude speaks...
When I care and
When I share with others
The N.A. way."
"We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our Traditions.
As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well."
" The Twelve Traditions of N.A. are not negotiable. They are the guidelines that keep our fellowship alive and free."
I know that our answers are in the traditions.
The 12 Traditions of narcotics anonymous
I think what causes the alarms that go off for me is that you are the moderator and this particular forum is very special to me. I'm having a difficult time not feeling threatened by past experience's where I've seen NA meetings that get so mixed up, I'm not sure whether we are going to read from the Basic Text, the Big Book, the Bible or the Koran, or Ask Heloise. The result has been disheartening. Before NA addicts died with nary a chance to find their way home. Some found a God of their understanding and managed to recover their life. Some found their way to AA and were able to identify. Jimmy K and some others got together (addicts weren't supposed to associate.. it was a felony at the time ) and figured out that the steps of AA might work for others if they played down the God thing and could talk about the nature of addiction. I sure am grateful they did.
Pernell maybe I would feel more comfortable if I knew your story. I need for all of us to be accountable to the newcomer and when we share an implied Narcotics Anonymous message, do our best not to blur it or add to it what has worked for us that we heard somewhere else. (Outside contibutions mean more than $$)
I'm certainly open to the possibility of appearing antagonistic. Did appearing defensive and protective of the Narcotics Anonymous program also occur? I am not dually diagnosed . (Many years before "getting it" I was asked to lie and call myself an alcoholic so I could get a slot in a treatment center. I felt prostituted. How would you have felt if they had asked you to deny your family to receive treatment?) I don't have dual citizenship. I am a member of Narcotics Anonymous. I am an addict. In identifying myself as an addict I also identify myself as having a strong conviction in the belief that there is only one disease.. Addiction. Whether I smoked, snorted, shot, drank, or sat upon fill in the blank to satisfy my obsessive, compulsiveness I found my way to Narcotics Anonymous and learned how to work THE program. not my program .. my program got me to denial,depression, desperation, and degradation.
I don't think I have a patent on recovery. I know that there are many who have found other ways to recovery. I have the utmost respect for the AA program as it illuminated the path to recovery for the addicts who could not relate or were shunned in that fellowship. If and when I do attend AA meeting's to honor my friends who get their recovery there, if I speak I identify myself as an alcoholic out of respect for their traditions. When I am in that house I feel a welcome guest. It wasn't alwasy that way. Things have changed. There are AA members who feel the same and when they come to NA meetings they respect the traditions of NA and identify themselves as addicts. Since we can only keep what we have by giving it away, its been pointed out that I better give away what I have learned works and is time proven.
I am open, objective, and willing or I would not have conferred before posting last night. I spoke to other addicts on the phone and online. I do not attack your credibility or your recovery. I do not disagree with the nature of the topic. Before I posted here I checked the other boards to see if this was being simultaneously posted on AA.
I and others are curious to see where this is going. Perhaps I am being overprotective of the message, but I am a product of those I admire most who have years of hard earned experience, working the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous, and one point they have driven home is that the unity found in the Narcotics Anonymous message must be preserved and respected.
from what is the NA program:
"N.A. is a non-profit Fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only ONE requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that THEY WORK.
There are no strings attached to N.A. We are not affiliated with any other organizations, we have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any Political, religious or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion or lack of religion.
We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean."
When I care and
When I share with others
The N.A. way."
"We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our Traditions.
As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well."
" The Twelve Traditions of N.A. are not negotiable. They are the guidelines that keep our fellowship alive and free."
I know that our answers are in the traditions.
The 12 Traditions of narcotics anonymous
I think what causes the alarms that go off for me is that you are the moderator and this particular forum is very special to me. I'm having a difficult time not feeling threatened by past experience's where I've seen NA meetings that get so mixed up, I'm not sure whether we are going to read from the Basic Text, the Big Book, the Bible or the Koran, or Ask Heloise. The result has been disheartening. Before NA addicts died with nary a chance to find their way home. Some found a God of their understanding and managed to recover their life. Some found their way to AA and were able to identify. Jimmy K and some others got together (addicts weren't supposed to associate.. it was a felony at the time ) and figured out that the steps of AA might work for others if they played down the God thing and could talk about the nature of addiction. I sure am grateful they did.
Pernell maybe I would feel more comfortable if I knew your story. I need for all of us to be accountable to the newcomer and when we share an implied Narcotics Anonymous message, do our best not to blur it or add to it what has worked for us that we heard somewhere else. (Outside contibutions mean more than $$)
I'm certainly open to the possibility of appearing antagonistic. Did appearing defensive and protective of the Narcotics Anonymous program also occur? I am not dually diagnosed . (Many years before "getting it" I was asked to lie and call myself an alcoholic so I could get a slot in a treatment center. I felt prostituted. How would you have felt if they had asked you to deny your family to receive treatment?) I don't have dual citizenship. I am a member of Narcotics Anonymous. I am an addict. In identifying myself as an addict I also identify myself as having a strong conviction in the belief that there is only one disease.. Addiction. Whether I smoked, snorted, shot, drank, or sat upon fill in the blank to satisfy my obsessive, compulsiveness I found my way to Narcotics Anonymous and learned how to work THE program. not my program .. my program got me to denial,depression, desperation, and degradation.
I don't think I have a patent on recovery. I know that there are many who have found other ways to recovery. I have the utmost respect for the AA program as it illuminated the path to recovery for the addicts who could not relate or were shunned in that fellowship. If and when I do attend AA meeting's to honor my friends who get their recovery there, if I speak I identify myself as an alcoholic out of respect for their traditions. When I am in that house I feel a welcome guest. It wasn't alwasy that way. Things have changed. There are AA members who feel the same and when they come to NA meetings they respect the traditions of NA and identify themselves as addicts. Since we can only keep what we have by giving it away, its been pointed out that I better give away what I have learned works and is time proven.
I am open, objective, and willing or I would not have conferred before posting last night. I spoke to other addicts on the phone and online. I do not attack your credibility or your recovery. I do not disagree with the nature of the topic. Before I posted here I checked the other boards to see if this was being simultaneously posted on AA.
I and others are curious to see where this is going. Perhaps I am being overprotective of the message, but I am a product of those I admire most who have years of hard earned experience, working the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous, and one point they have driven home is that the unity found in the Narcotics Anonymous message must be preserved and respected.
from what is the NA program:
"N.A. is a non-profit Fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only ONE requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that THEY WORK.
There are no strings attached to N.A. We are not affiliated with any other organizations, we have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any Political, religious or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us, regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion or lack of religion.
We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 60
Hey Gooch,
I read Pernell's post and understood where he was going with his post.
I read your post and understand what your saying but what does all that have to do with what Pernell was talking about sponsorship? You have a lot to vent about AA and NA; maybe you should do that on your own thread. I agree about how I feel when I have gone to AA meeting and I am an addict but I say what am am in any fellowship "I am an addict". I choose not to go to AA because I don't feel like I belong. I try to get as many as I can to NA. They deal more with the addictions; not just the using and of what. Because you can be addicted to so many things and people.
Pernell, my experience with sponsorship. Well, I have to admit I went about 8 months of my sobriety w/o one. I was in limbo but still had a strong recovery network and attended meetings on a regular basis. Sponsorship is very important, but recovery is individual. We just work with each other to stay clean.
I read Pernell's post and understood where he was going with his post.
I read your post and understand what your saying but what does all that have to do with what Pernell was talking about sponsorship? You have a lot to vent about AA and NA; maybe you should do that on your own thread. I agree about how I feel when I have gone to AA meeting and I am an addict but I say what am am in any fellowship "I am an addict". I choose not to go to AA because I don't feel like I belong. I try to get as many as I can to NA. They deal more with the addictions; not just the using and of what. Because you can be addicted to so many things and people.
Pernell, my experience with sponsorship. Well, I have to admit I went about 8 months of my sobriety w/o one. I was in limbo but still had a strong recovery network and attended meetings on a regular basis. Sponsorship is very important, but recovery is individual. We just work with each other to stay clean.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
"We keep what we have only with vigilance, and just as freedom for the individual comes from the Twelve Steps, so freedom for the group springs from our Traditions.
I am just doing what I have been taught, remaining vigilant.
If it says NA on it it belongs to the members of Narcotics Anonymous.
If it doesn't then it's an affiliation or an outside interest.
read the traditions, discuss them at meetings.
The hard won experience it speaks of in the postamble speaks to the pioneers in AA that fought to keep their unity. None of us might have had the opportunity to recover if they had strayed from their primary purpose in the 5th tradition.
I am just doing what I have been taught, remaining vigilant.
If it says NA on it it belongs to the members of Narcotics Anonymous.
If it doesn't then it's an affiliation or an outside interest.
read the traditions, discuss them at meetings.
The hard won experience it speaks of in the postamble speaks to the pioneers in AA that fought to keep their unity. None of us might have had the opportunity to recover if they had strayed from their primary purpose in the 5th tradition.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
What Makes A Good Sponsor
What makes a good sponsor? Some suggestion to give a newcomer who has asked you to sponsor them. The most important things told to our sponsor by their sponsor.
There is a common belief that a strong foundation is instrumental to long-term recovery. What newcomers do in their first ninety days and in their first months with a sponsor are key to how they will work the rest of their program. During this formative time, what basic things can you have your sponsees do to set this foundation and establish your relationship with them? Below are some suggestions. Quite honestly, I believed that our sponsor participants, especially on a question as basic as this one, would have pretty much the same answers. I was quite surprised to find out otherwise. It is consistent throughout that the answers are inconsistent. Everyone has an individual approach, and it's a plus to have so many perspectives to choose from. You may not choose to do what they did, but what they did may help you choose what to do.
What makes a good sponsor?
M.T.: I think a good sponsor is someone who has worked the steps, has a strong program, and is passionate and inspired about her program.
Charles: I think a great sponsor is one who is available whenever possible, one who always reminds us of who we are and why we're doing what we're doing. In other words our biggest problem is we forget. I recently (in the past three years) moved away from somebody I loved very much, and then got back with that person and continued the relationship. My sponsor reminded me of why I moved out. I'm ten years sober, and I moved out at seven years sober. Moving out was one of the best things I ever did. I forgot why I moved out, and after he asked me the question three times, I remembered why. But I had to hear the question asked three times. I consider myself a pretty good listener. So, for all of us, not just for my own experience, our biggest problem is we forget.
That's what Bob and Bill did for each other. They didn't talk to each other; they listened to each other
I don't like "don'ts". I like "dos". I think "don'ts" have a way of being self defeating. I'd like to see: This is what we do." I'd like to see that over and over again. "This is what we do to stay sober." I don't want to hear anything about, "We don't do that." That's crap. We do everything. So I think, if we get into what we do to stay sober, that's where the emphasis should be.
My responsibility as your sponsor is for you to see that I love you, and in that sense, loving to myself. As your sponsor, I also try to get you to see (no matter how big, mean and tough or nasty you are or how many things you've gone through) that your parents aren't responsible for your actions. And, again, I'm here to love you and to be loved. That's the key to the program.
When I come back, we will hear from "Suzanne" on the subject, "What makes a good sponsor?"
There is a common belief that a strong foundation is instrumental to long-term recovery. What newcomers do in their first ninety days and in their first months with a sponsor are key to how they will work the rest of their program. During this formative time, what basic things can you have your sponsees do to set this foundation and establish your relationship with them? Below are some suggestions. Quite honestly, I believed that our sponsor participants, especially on a question as basic as this one, would have pretty much the same answers. I was quite surprised to find out otherwise. It is consistent throughout that the answers are inconsistent. Everyone has an individual approach, and it's a plus to have so many perspectives to choose from. You may not choose to do what they did, but what they did may help you choose what to do.
What makes a good sponsor?
M.T.: I think a good sponsor is someone who has worked the steps, has a strong program, and is passionate and inspired about her program.
Charles: I think a great sponsor is one who is available whenever possible, one who always reminds us of who we are and why we're doing what we're doing. In other words our biggest problem is we forget. I recently (in the past three years) moved away from somebody I loved very much, and then got back with that person and continued the relationship. My sponsor reminded me of why I moved out. I'm ten years sober, and I moved out at seven years sober. Moving out was one of the best things I ever did. I forgot why I moved out, and after he asked me the question three times, I remembered why. But I had to hear the question asked three times. I consider myself a pretty good listener. So, for all of us, not just for my own experience, our biggest problem is we forget.
That's what Bob and Bill did for each other. They didn't talk to each other; they listened to each other
I don't like "don'ts". I like "dos". I think "don'ts" have a way of being self defeating. I'd like to see: This is what we do." I'd like to see that over and over again. "This is what we do to stay sober." I don't want to hear anything about, "We don't do that." That's crap. We do everything. So I think, if we get into what we do to stay sober, that's where the emphasis should be.
My responsibility as your sponsor is for you to see that I love you, and in that sense, loving to myself. As your sponsor, I also try to get you to see (no matter how big, mean and tough or nasty you are or how many things you've gone through) that your parents aren't responsible for your actions. And, again, I'm here to love you and to be loved. That's the key to the program.
When I come back, we will hear from "Suzanne" on the subject, "What makes a good sponsor?"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
From Chapter 5 "What Can I do" the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text -
"We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street, helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor's clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction-one addict helping another.
One of the most profound changes in our lives is in the realm of personal relationships. Our earliest involvements with others often begin with our sponsor. As newcomers we find it easier if we have someone whose judgment we trust and can confide in. We find trusting others with more experience to be a strength rather than a weakness. Our experience reveals that working the steps is our best guarantee against a relapse. Our sponsors and friends can advise us regarding how to work the steps. We can talk over what the steps mean with them. They can help us to prepare for the spiritual experience of living the steps. Asking God as we understand Him for help improves our understanding of the steps. When we are prepared, we must try out our newly found way of life. We learn that the Program won't work when we try to adapt it to our life. We must learn to adapt our life to the Program."
"We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street, helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor's clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction-one addict helping another.
One of the most profound changes in our lives is in the realm of personal relationships. Our earliest involvements with others often begin with our sponsor. As newcomers we find it easier if we have someone whose judgment we trust and can confide in. We find trusting others with more experience to be a strength rather than a weakness. Our experience reveals that working the steps is our best guarantee against a relapse. Our sponsors and friends can advise us regarding how to work the steps. We can talk over what the steps mean with them. They can help us to prepare for the spiritual experience of living the steps. Asking God as we understand Him for help improves our understanding of the steps. When we are prepared, we must try out our newly found way of life. We learn that the Program won't work when we try to adapt it to our life. We must learn to adapt our life to the Program."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Suzanne
I think it's the same thing that makes a really good person: to be a good sponsor, you have to live what you're teaching. I don't think it works to tell people what to do if you're not doing it yourself. It's really easy to boss people around, give them direction, and act like you're a know-it-all. It's much more difficult to live and practice these principles in all our affairs. I think if that's what you're doing in you're in your life, then you're going to be a good sponsor, because you're an example. That's what this program is, a program of attraction, not promotion, to share my experience, strength, and hope for fun and for free.
Being a sponsor doesn't mean you have to know everything. It means you're just down the road, a few steps ahead of the person behind you. If you don't know, there are lots of people you can ask. It's like a mentoring program, more than anything else, not like being someone's mother, father, baby-sitter, boss or caretaker. It's a loving extension of your knowledge, your experience, your strength, and your hope. You do it for fun and for free. If you're not having fun doing it, there's something wrong with your attitude and your approach. I really have a problem with this party line in a lot of NA/AA meetings: If you don't go to meetings all the time, you're going to die, if you don't get a sponsor, you're going to drink and drug and die---a kind of fear driven focus to go to meetings and have a sponsor. I know a lot of people who are sober who don't go to NA/AA and don't have a sponsor. I think people can stay sober and work the steps by being involved in the fellowship and by participating. I don't think you get the degree and depth of sobriety without working with someone, because someone doesn't get to know you intimately. I have friends on the East Coast who have been sober for many, many years, and they've never written a Fourth Step. It is written that we help another alcoholic/addict. So, I think all of our relationships with people in meetings, we're really sponsoring anyone we have a conversation with. There may be just somebody who we're more particularly connected to in sponsoring.
Marge: Someone who's willing to share all of her experience, strength and hope, not just the fluffy parts; someone who is willing to try to pursue her spiritual search so that she is the best human being that she can be at any given time. And someone who is willing to put aside her stuff to direct her attention to someone else. Sometimes that requires a lot of willingness.
When I come back, we will hear from "Mariasha" on What makes a good sponor?
Being a sponsor doesn't mean you have to know everything. It means you're just down the road, a few steps ahead of the person behind you. If you don't know, there are lots of people you can ask. It's like a mentoring program, more than anything else, not like being someone's mother, father, baby-sitter, boss or caretaker. It's a loving extension of your knowledge, your experience, your strength, and your hope. You do it for fun and for free. If you're not having fun doing it, there's something wrong with your attitude and your approach. I really have a problem with this party line in a lot of NA/AA meetings: If you don't go to meetings all the time, you're going to die, if you don't get a sponsor, you're going to drink and drug and die---a kind of fear driven focus to go to meetings and have a sponsor. I know a lot of people who are sober who don't go to NA/AA and don't have a sponsor. I think people can stay sober and work the steps by being involved in the fellowship and by participating. I don't think you get the degree and depth of sobriety without working with someone, because someone doesn't get to know you intimately. I have friends on the East Coast who have been sober for many, many years, and they've never written a Fourth Step. It is written that we help another alcoholic/addict. So, I think all of our relationships with people in meetings, we're really sponsoring anyone we have a conversation with. There may be just somebody who we're more particularly connected to in sponsoring.
Marge: Someone who's willing to share all of her experience, strength and hope, not just the fluffy parts; someone who is willing to try to pursue her spiritual search so that she is the best human being that she can be at any given time. And someone who is willing to put aside her stuff to direct her attention to someone else. Sometimes that requires a lot of willingness.
When I come back, we will hear from "Mariasha" on What makes a good sponor?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
From it works How and Why.. Step One
“Beginning with the first step, a sponsor can share his or her own experience with thet steps. Listening to our sponsor’s experience and applying it to our own lives is how we take advantage of one of the most beautiful and practical aspects of recovery: the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.We hear in our meetings that “I can’t but we can” Actively working with a sponsor will give us some first-hand experience with this. Through our developing relationship with our sponsor, we learn about the principle of trust. By follwing the suggestions of our spondor instead of only our own ideas, we learn the principles of open-mindedness and willingness. Our sponsor will help us work the steps of recovery.
Talking honestly with our sponsor about our drug use and how it affected our lives will help us work the first step.”
“Beginning with the first step, a sponsor can share his or her own experience with thet steps. Listening to our sponsor’s experience and applying it to our own lives is how we take advantage of one of the most beautiful and practical aspects of recovery: the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.We hear in our meetings that “I can’t but we can” Actively working with a sponsor will give us some first-hand experience with this. Through our developing relationship with our sponsor, we learn about the principle of trust. By follwing the suggestions of our spondor instead of only our own ideas, we learn the principles of open-mindedness and willingness. Our sponsor will help us work the steps of recovery.
Talking honestly with our sponsor about our drug use and how it affected our lives will help us work the first step.”
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Mariasha
Sponsorship means different things to different people. Do they need to be controlled? Do they need to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it? No. Do we need ongoing love and support inm our recovery? Yes. I think we could all benefit from having a mentor or a partner to walk the path with just check in with and touch base with. When you're in isolation, recovery is measured by the degree you participate in it. To think you've arrived and no longer need to check out reality with another human being is a dangerous position to take.
I've chosen to sign up for the long run because of what I receive as a result of that surrender. I've never been totally comfortable with labeling myself. But that is partially why it took me two years to find a sponsor. When I first was clean, I was about to be married, I was in a committed relationship. I had just been accepted into graduate school, and I had never been arrested. I had good relations with my family. I had never written a bad check. I'd never been evicted. I was not a "curb creature," as I heard talked about in a meeting. I was pretty much an upstanding member of society. When I looked around the room, there weren't too many people who fit that bill. There wasn't a lot of clean time in this area; there was very little. I can count on one hand the people who had as much or more time than I had in this area. What was suggested to me (I think it was one of the most valuable things I ever heard) was try to find somebody whose life seems to improve as a result of working the Twelve Steps of NA who can teach me about working the steps. It doesn't matter what she looks like, what her sexuality is, what her experience has been, what her religion is, or what her familial status is. What matters is, Is she staying clean and does she work the Twelve Steps of NA? Choose somebody based upon those criteria and let go of the other stuff. I picked a sponsor who was as opposite from me as you could possibly imagine. But she was working the Twelve Steps, and she was of service and still is today. She has not relapsed; she doesn't relate to some of the experiences I've had, but she relates to the feelings. She always relates to me on a "feel" level. That's my biggest suggestion: If you're looking for a sponsor, try not to think twice about the criteria you're using to make that selection. Do you respect her and see her as knowledgeable? Do you speak the language of the heart with one another? Do you feel she is a positive role model? That is what your decision should be based upon. Not how similar you are in terms of status symbols.
Bea, Danny and Ed will weigh in on "What makes a good sponsor?" when I return.
I've chosen to sign up for the long run because of what I receive as a result of that surrender. I've never been totally comfortable with labeling myself. But that is partially why it took me two years to find a sponsor. When I first was clean, I was about to be married, I was in a committed relationship. I had just been accepted into graduate school, and I had never been arrested. I had good relations with my family. I had never written a bad check. I'd never been evicted. I was not a "curb creature," as I heard talked about in a meeting. I was pretty much an upstanding member of society. When I looked around the room, there weren't too many people who fit that bill. There wasn't a lot of clean time in this area; there was very little. I can count on one hand the people who had as much or more time than I had in this area. What was suggested to me (I think it was one of the most valuable things I ever heard) was try to find somebody whose life seems to improve as a result of working the Twelve Steps of NA who can teach me about working the steps. It doesn't matter what she looks like, what her sexuality is, what her experience has been, what her religion is, or what her familial status is. What matters is, Is she staying clean and does she work the Twelve Steps of NA? Choose somebody based upon those criteria and let go of the other stuff. I picked a sponsor who was as opposite from me as you could possibly imagine. But she was working the Twelve Steps, and she was of service and still is today. She has not relapsed; she doesn't relate to some of the experiences I've had, but she relates to the feelings. She always relates to me on a "feel" level. That's my biggest suggestion: If you're looking for a sponsor, try not to think twice about the criteria you're using to make that selection. Do you respect her and see her as knowledgeable? Do you speak the language of the heart with one another? Do you feel she is a positive role model? That is what your decision should be based upon. Not how similar you are in terms of status symbols.
Bea, Danny and Ed will weigh in on "What makes a good sponsor?" when I return.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Bea, Danny and Ed
Bea; I don't know what a good sponsor is. What does that mean, "a really good sponsor?" Sponsors are good because they're there for you in your life, and even if they're not there the way you want them to be, you get something out of it, you still learn something. I don't like this idea of firing sponsors. I don't like that lingo. If someone takes the time to care about you, that's very special.
Danny; I think the most basic thing that makes a really good sponsor is caring. If somebody comes into this program and connects with someone who cares, then he'll start to care about himself. I think that's one of the things that's so intimidating about asking someone to sponsor you. When somebody asks you, it's like "Wow!" "Why" and " Thank you" at the same time. Most of the people I sponsor have approached me at meetings I go to regularly where they have heard me share. I think it's also important for a sponsor to stay humble. By that I mean I have to share my stuff with my sponsees and stay open to learning from them and not be so arrogant that I feel I know it all and can tell them everything they need to do. Sometimes I'm in awe of the mystery that presents itself. Sometimes a sponsee presents a problem and I'll say, "I don't know; let's figure it out." I think those things help to cement that bond that allows the work to be done. If it's not there, the work won't get done.
Ed; Work the steps in every area of your life. And when you don't, learn to laugh at yourself.
Danny; I think the most basic thing that makes a really good sponsor is caring. If somebody comes into this program and connects with someone who cares, then he'll start to care about himself. I think that's one of the things that's so intimidating about asking someone to sponsor you. When somebody asks you, it's like "Wow!" "Why" and " Thank you" at the same time. Most of the people I sponsor have approached me at meetings I go to regularly where they have heard me share. I think it's also important for a sponsor to stay humble. By that I mean I have to share my stuff with my sponsees and stay open to learning from them and not be so arrogant that I feel I know it all and can tell them everything they need to do. Sometimes I'm in awe of the mystery that presents itself. Sometimes a sponsee presents a problem and I'll say, "I don't know; let's figure it out." I think those things help to cement that bond that allows the work to be done. If it's not there, the work won't get done.
Ed; Work the steps in every area of your life. And when you don't, learn to laugh at yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Some Suggestions to Give a Newcomer Who Asked You to Sponsor Him/Her
M.T.: The suggestions given to me were simple---and numerous. In New York, where I got clean, at the beginning of almost every meeting, written into the format, were the suggestions (so every group acted as a collective sponsor to the newcomer): If you're new, there are no rules in Na, but there are some suggestions." They went on to read: "Make ninety meetings in ninety days, and if that sounds like a lot make a meeting a day and the ninety will take care of itself (this made sense to me and told me I only had to worry about it a day at a time); get a phone number at every meeting you go to so, at the end of ninety days, you will have ninety phone numbers; use the phone: a meeting is only an hour -and-a- half long; your disease is with you twenty-four hours a day. Get to meetings early and help set up, stay after and help clean up; sit up front
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Another suggestion we have seen work is to ask the potential sponsee to read IP # 23 (Sponsorship) ( I would post it here but don't have a copy in my literature collection currently). It explains what a sponsor is and what to expect from one. Equally importantly it explains what not to expect from a sponsor. Most importantly a sponsor is someone who has a working knowledge of the 12 steps of NA and applies them in their lives and can guide the newer member as they learn to practice them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Leigh/Some Suggestions To Give A Newcomer
They have to make at least ninety meetings in ninety days, to get phone numbers and to use them to call three people a day. They must make one or two meetings a day; some people need three meetings a day, depending on how they used. What I recommend depends on the state they're in. If they're having seizures or not bathing, I tell them the most important thing is not to use. Some people have big problems going on, and I try to get them to focus on staying clean and the concept of having a successful day. If they're coherent, I'll have them write a first step.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
J.P./Suggestions To Give A Newcomer
The first thing is to call me every day and leave a message if I'm not home. The main thing is that they go through the motions. If they want me to call back, they need to ask for it. I tell them to make meetings regularly. Sometimes there's a cloudy zone with people coming out of rehabs and detoxes who are exposed to multiple felowships. I ask them to choose one fellowship. If they choose other than NA, I tell them they can call me until them they can call me until they find someone in the other fellowship. No one is left in the cold.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Natalie/Suggestions To Give A Newcomer
I ask them, "To what lengths are you willing to go to for your sobriety? To what lengths are you willing to go to follow the program?" The "correct" response is, "Any lengths to change my life." If they're not sure, I tell them to ask themselves, "Why did I come to AA?" When I first came in I wanted to do it my way. I thought you didn't understand that all my problems were everyone else'sfault. Only later did I realize I was to blame. I was told to "just do it" and I did. That's is how I pass it on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
Jeanette/ Suggestions To Give A Newcomer
I tell them to keep a rock in their pocket to remind them to call their sponsor. I suppose calling everyday is the most important thing. It begins to get them into good habits. I tell them to go to meetings, no set amount, because they won't be using in a meeting. If they're messed up, they need to be in a meeting. I feel my way along with the person I'm dealing with and then see what to suggest. Sometimes they just have to get comfortable going to meetings. I'll have them read the book so they become familiar with the program; it's not like a demand. Mostly, I get women with three, four, or five years clean, so I tell them just read the Twelve and Twelve through.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
