Life on life's terms

[jane_668]

Today was a very emotional day for me. I had flashbacks from my past drug use. The insane thing is that instead of seeing the results of my old way, I started to have cravings It's like Im addicted to pain. It's extrmely painful for me to face life clean and not numb. If I have resentments I think about using; if I am happy I think about using..It's so frustrating sometimes waiting for the obsession to be lifted. I start questioning if I will I ever learn how to function like normal people. Will I ever be able to handle stress without over-reacting. I usually write down my thoughts everyday. I was reading my diary today and noticed that I almost wrote "today was a hard day" every single day. It seems that I am definately the problem. I have no idea how to live or to deal with life. I have an altered sense of reality. My sponsor says taht my problems are luxury problems. I want the world to be a perfect , problems free world so that I can be happy. But this is just an illusion. It's very hard sometimes evern with 4+ months clean. Im drug free but I still dont know how to function normaly. I am still as dysfunctional as before but without drugs.

I am scared because it seems I have a lot to do and I hate responsibilities. All what i feel like doing is numbing my feelings and not feeling pain. Yet, I have hope that someday I will be able to find the happiness that I am looking for. That with time, I will be able to fill the emptiness that I feel. I now have an HP that will never fail me. I jsut have to believe that I can make it too.

[keithj]

Jane,

I stay out of this forum, usually, because I identify more as an alcoholic than an addict. But, this post caught my eye, because the solution for both of us is the same.

Have you ever considered that being recovered means life on God's terms, not life's terms? Meaning whatever comes my way in life, I have to deal with it as God would have me be.

Just maybe, the only thing you should be talking to your sponsor about is what Step you are currently taking. Those are the actions that will get you to life on god's terms.

[meditation]

I see a therapist for dealing with irrational fears. Fear that I will be rejected, fear that I will be a failure, fear of the unknown and fear of things that might could happen but haven't happened. I also procrastinate and put off things that are painful. I decided that this really is keeping me from living life gloriously. The pain of feeling fear and fearing responsibilities was so bad I have had to meet it head on in order to cope with it. I can't avoid it any longer and the more I DON'T avoid it the better I am able to cope with things. It's a mental mindset sort of like being in a rut and eventually pain will lead you out of that cycle. Just as pain from using led you to stop using.
I have to learn how to be adult again and learn how to not have an instant reward for every single responsible thing I do now. I do feel better since I've taken action.

[REZ]

Keep on staying clean, going to meetings, talking to your sponsor, and working the steps, and things will be better. Like most people, I had a tough time dealing with emotional pain early in recovery because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. My solution to any emotional disturbance was to get high. So I had to learn to live without drugs, which was not easy. I had many tearful moments, angry rants, and sleepless nights, but I survived, without drugs. Gradually, things got better. Hang in there--keep coming back.

[Gmoney]

The "normal" state for an addict is to use. It isn't unusual that it takes an addict in recovery some time to develop coping skills for the things we once would use over. This is why I believe we are taught in NA that recovery is a process and not an event. Learning a new way to live life without the use of drugs doesn't happen overnight for any of us, and it certainly doesn't happen without growing pains.

As addicts, we are self-centered. The "King Baby Syndrome" comes to mind. We like the easier, softer way. Even with time clean I still find myself looking for the "easy" button. But reality tells me that there's going to be hard days, days when I think things are hard (but they aren't), smooth days, and days that are just...days. Living life on it's own terms simply means to me, that no matter how I perceive my day I don't have to get high to deal with it. NA taught me that I had to have a personality change in order to recover. I had to grow up or die.

The steps are the solution to my ultimate problem - ME. I kept coming to meetings, working the steps, sharing and listening. My life got better....yours can too.

G

[24hrsAday]

Originally Posted by jane_668

Today was a very emotional day for me. I had flashbacks from my past drug use. The insane thing is that instead of seeing the results of my old way, I started to have cravings It's like Im addicted to pain. It's extrmely painful for me to face life clean and not numb. If I have resentments I think about using; if I am happy I think about using..It's so frustrating sometimes waiting for the obsession to be lifted. I start questioning if I will I ever learn how to function like normal people. Will I ever be able to handle stress without over-reacting. I usually write down my thoughts everyday. I was reading my diary today and noticed that I almost wrote "today was a hard day" every single day. It seems that I am definately the problem. I have no idea how to live or to deal with life. I have an altered sense of reality. My sponsor says taht my problems are luxury problems. I want the world to be a perfect , problems free world so that I can be happy. But this is just an illusion. It's very hard sometimes evern with 4+ months clean. Im drug free but I still dont know how to function normaly. I am still as dysfunctional as before but without drugs.

I am scared because it seems I have a lot to do and I hate responsibilities. All what i feel like doing is numbing my feelings and not feeling pain. Yet, I have hope that someday I will be able to find the happiness that I am looking for. That with time, I will be able to fill the emptiness that I feel. I now have an HP that will never fail me. I jsut have to believe that I can make it too.

jane: Thank You For Your Honesty.. it All Starts With Being Honest

[kj3880]

I agree. At least you are being honest with your feelings. When I felt like you feel, I was clean, but not working steps. Steps, for me, were the way up and out of that feeling. Today, there are many more good then bad days!

Love,
KJ

PS: have you ever heard any speaker tapes by Doreen from DC? There is one of her talks at XA's site (google XA) and go to the NA speakers part, then the single speakers, then choose the talk by Doreen. Always lifts my spirits to hear her!

[jane_668]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

When I felt like you feel, I was clean, but not working steps. Steps, for me, were the way up and out of that feeling

KJ- I am working the steps with my sponsor. I am answering all the NA guide questions. If you read some of my old post you'd know how much I changed but change takes time and is painful. It's easy for me to give up and say I dont want to do this anymore.

I think what I felt was because of answering some guide questions on step 2. I tried to remember some stuff but couldnot. My memory sucks. I cannot remember many things. Anyway next day , I was at work doing something and then had flashbacks. I felt like living them again. It was extremely painful for me. I remembered one incident waking up in ICU. I was in a coma for 5 days. I couldnot walk as my nervous system was almost paralyzed. I was 19 . My eyes were still blurring but I could hear an old woman calling her brother telling him" Brother can you hear me..". I felt like a loser . Some bad memories I burried in my subconcious. I just gave up on life. I didnot expect to live. I didnot want to live.

Today, my life is different in so many ways. But it's easy for me to give up when I face trouble or bad memories. I am just scared that I may never be able to pull through. The thing is I was raised in a family were no matter what I did it was never enough. I didnot know how to be good enough for them. It's like I have a list of all the " I should do" in my head. But this is frustrating. I am trying to remind myself daily that I donnot have to do things perfectly and will never be perfect no matter how much I try. It's ok to make mistakes sometimes. I started to pray daily for the courage to carry on especially at times of pain and discomfort. I pray for patience and endurance. When I talked to my sponsor she said Im doing so good. She said my next target is to get the 6 months chip. I told her: "what if I couldnot make it". She smiled and said :"Oh I know you will make it because you are doing all what you should be doing". I felt strong again.

My focus is on today. My sponsor kept telling me to bring myself to the present. Today, I know my day is as I set it to be. If I think negative it will be negative but if I focus on the good things it will turn positive. So I am doing a gratitude list trying to see the brighter side of life. Negativity sometimes can be a habit. Also my mood swings are making it harder. Anyway, still clean and still counting. I have 132 days clean. Grateful for another clean day.

[kj3880]

I'm not saying what you are or are not doing. In my response, I just said that when I wasn't working steps, I felt the way you describe. All I can share is my experience. I went through a bit of a funk after I finished the fourth step because it took time to get over the feelings going back through some of that junk brought out. Know what I mean? Anyway, I certainly didn't mean to imply that you aren't working on your recovery. I don't keep track of who's doing what on here or in my face-to-face recovery world, because I try to keep the focus on what I need to do. It may be self-centered, but it seems like when I start to advise others or share anything other then what I did or do, it is less than helpful.

Love,
KJ

[Sugah]

This may be a little off topic, the way the discussion is going, and it's definitely my experience, not some fact of the program or steps, so take it for what it's worth.

I can't separate "life on life's terms" from "life on God's terms." My view of God and spirituality holds that everything has a value and a reason, and it's my own classification of it that accepts or rejects that. Acting on God's will for me means (to me) that I find my harmony in the whole process. I will feel sad, have pain, feel joy, be surprised, and all of those "things" or "states" are, or can be good. It's when I resist or view them in selfish terms (my will) that I suffer -- and that can be true for joyous "life" as well as painful "life." My attachment in a selfish way to joy sets me up for suffering when it's time to move on from joy and into a more painful (still valuable) place.

Like I said, take it for what it's worth, or ignore it completely if it doesn't fit with your view of the spiritual.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[jane_668]

Sugah- thank you.

I can't separate "life on life's terms" from "life on God's terms."

It's when I resist or view them in selfish terms (my will) that I suffer -- and that can be true for joyous "life" as well as painful "life."

It makes sense. Someone once told me that it's not natural to always feel good unless we're high. I can understand better now. It's just that I first started working the steps to stay off drugs. Then , I started seeing people who were years clean and happy. I wanted what they have. I wanted to be happy and organized...I thought that steps helps us avoid pain . It was just a thought. Now , I am starting to get a more realistic view of life. That the purpose of steps is to help us face emotions as they come and not feel good everyday. For me, drugs were means for a mental escape away from life's problems. I never knew how to deal with problems. I would numb my feelings and the anxiety would disappear. I worry too much about everything. Sometimes I wish my brain would shut up. My sponsor is helping a lot and also my therapist.

Even with time clean I still find myself looking for the "easy" button

But yeah, there's no quick fix for my problem. I have to go through the ups and downs of recovery. I have to learn through trial and error. My sponsor keeps encouraging me to write down my thoughts no matter how silly or crazy they are. I feel better just by writting them. Then next day I come here in a different state of mind. Sometimes I even laugh at what I wrote. But this helps me a lot. I started to see that it always pass; good things pass and bad things pass. My thoughts change daily. Every situation I pass through and not give up is a success to me. I dont want to expect much from myself at this point except getting through my day clean. I donnot want more.

[jane_668]

I can't separate "life on life's terms" from "life on God's terms."

I am still thinking about "Life on God's terms". I am not sure that it's exactly what I was looking for when I started working the steps. I am on step 2 now and this steps talks about honesty, willingness and open- mindedness.

Honesty = My old way failed completely
open-mindedness= perhaps there's a new way that may work
willingness= willingness to try the new way

I have recognized these 3 key elements. I know I should change my old way to a better way that makes me more manageable. However, I didnot think that this new way would be God's way. I believe that I am an agnostic. I know there's God but I try to avoide any HP discussions. It seems that step 2 and 3 are all about HP. The steps wont work unless I use an HP in my life. So, it's only fair not to judge something I havenot tried before. I tried drugs and they led me to destruction so trying God's way wont be worse. At least I wont destroy myself in the process. So I have to try this new way of life and then I can judge if it works or not.

[Sugah]

Jane, I use the word "God" because it's easy to spell and most folks understand when I say it that I'm talking about a HP. The risk, however, is that it's imbued with a sense of religiosity and dogma -- and my concept of God is not.

Perhaps it would be helpful to you not to think in terms of a specific word but in an essence -- do you or are you willing to consider the existence of something more powerful than individual human agency? A Higher Power need not be a "being." It can be anything -- an organizing principle, a harmony, an energy, a sense that "we" can do where "I" cannot. All it tasks is a willingness to believe that a Higher Power exists, not that you are certain of Its characteristics and attributes.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[yonanjan]

[QUOTE=Sugah;2493292]
Acting on God's will for me means (to me) that I find my harmony in the whole process. I will feel sad, have pain, feel joy, be surprised, and all of those "things" or "states" are, or can be good. It's when I resist or view them in selfish terms (my will) that I suffer -- and that can be true for joyous "life" as well as painful "life." My attachment in a selfish way to joy sets me up for suffering when it's time to move on from joy and into a more painful (still valuable) place.

Wow Sugah....this is good stuff..

Thank you for sharing this.

[kj3880]

Jane,
That's all it takes to get started, from what I have found, just a willingness to try the new way. It isn't required that we believe with all our hearts that it's going to "work" for us. For me, the belief that steps are the way up and out came after they started working. When I began with step work, I just hoped it would help me. I was just willing to give it a shot, since nothing else had worked.

The other thing that I'm thinking about is you sound like I felt when I got started about two years ago. I was raised with faith, and though I never decided, even when I was really sick, that God didn't exist, I didn't feel his presence in my life when I was using. So my faith was just kind of a hope that God would still love me. Because I didn't feel worthy of love. Not at all.

My first conversations with my Higher Power were just "God, if you are real, just give me a little faith that you care about me and that you are there."

And he did. It sounds weird, but that little conversation or "prayer" was the beginning of my new relationship with a Higher Power. A very personal relationship that has very little to do with the by-rote faith that I learned as a child. This relationship with a Higher Power is something I can rely on, something that feeds my soul. The only thing that somehow fills that void that I felt all of my life.

Love,
KJ

[jane_668]

I was raised with faith, and though I never decided, even when I was really sick, that God didn't exist, I didn't feel his presence in my life when I was using. .

You know KJ, I always felt God's presence in my life but my relation with Him was a hate-blame relation. You see my mom's sickness effected me a lot. I didnot think it was fair that I had to be a mom to my mom. I had to take care of her and give her medications. I wanted to be a kid but the repsonsibilities forced me to be an adult at a young age. I saw other girls telling me I have to ask mom ..and I didnot have anyone to ask. I was alone and shy. My dad was too busy. At the age of 14 I would cry myself to sleep. I just blamed God for everything. I thought He created this and He has to solve it. I lived my whole adolescent years as a responsible teenager. I was the girl all mothers want. But when I was 18 , I went completely from one extreme to another. I went from being the most responsible girl to very irresponsible and suicidal. I was fed up . I thought drugs would solve my issues but the solution turned to another problem. So I gave up on life. When I tried to commit suicide, I prayed to God and asked Him to forgive me. I Knew it was wrong to kill ourselves. I told God that I cannot deal with this anymore so please forgive me. Then I woke up in ICU and realized that I could eevn succeed in this.

Since that day I've always felt God's presence in my life. God wanted me to be here for a reason. I'm alive today because of Him. That's why I want to change my relation with Him. I was so lost and confused. I used to pass out.

So my faith was just kind of a hope that God would still love me. Because I didn't feel worthy of love. Not at all

Yeah, I felt like I didnot deserve his love. I was flirting with death daily. But I am grateful to be alive today. I started praying. I listened to what you folks said. I started talking to Him. I pray daily for faith that would fill the emptiness I used to feel. I pray for patience and guidance.

Today, my life is so much better. I have hopes, dreams and value life. It's just that when I face problems I tend to run away. Today, I dont want to do that anymore. I am not a coward anymore. I know that I was celf centered and I have to look for another center to depend on and that's God. Thank you guys so much for all your feedback. I thank one specific person on SR who helped save my life. That person was patient enough with me.I guess God speak to us through people. I have direction in my life today. Somedays are hard but I learned that it always pass. Thank you SR.

[jane_668]

We like the easier, softer way. Even with time clean I still find myself looking for the "easy" button. But reality tells me that there's going to be hard days, days when I think things are hard (but they aren't), smooth days, and days that are just...days.

Im still working step 2 with my sponsor and it seems Im doing fine. Im changing daily. My sponsor suggested that I pick up topics and discuss each in 3 meetings. She thinks this would help me to see where I am progressing and where I need to work more. I can see progress especially in looking for the easy way out and quick fix . It's working somehow. I am more patient but I can be better. I see how the obsessive and compulsive nature tells me I have to do things and do them now.

My sponsor says that whenever I am not happy in my recovery then that means I am doing it wrong perhaps I am not applying the steps. However, I should keep in my mind that I am looking for progress and not perfection. I can be hard on myself sometimes.

[Timebuster]

I know true surrender, for me, doesn't come about until after I've spent a considerable amount of effort at manipulating or influencing a desired outcome. But once it becomes evident that I cannot change anything, I have to accept that I've done the best that I can do and leave the rest to my HP. Over time I've got a lot better at understanding what it is I can or cannot change, and as a result, I save myself a lot of grief. The wisdom to know the difference is a beautiful thing. By Gmoney

Life on life's terms.

No truer words can be spoken.

Ivan

[kj3880]

Your sponsor says that if you aren't happy, you are doing it wrong in recovery? Am I understanding that correctly? If so, I have to respectfully disagree for me. For me, I often feel that my addiction was a result of drugging myself so I wouldn't feel anything other than good or "happy" emotions. In my recovery, I am learning, slowly it seems, that sometimes it isn't all sunshine and daisies. I am learning to accept that it isn't possible to always be happy.

I mean, if someone I love dies, am I supposed to feel happy? Bad stuff happens to good people, even when they are living right. I don't feel fantastic every minute of every day (though certainly, I'm feeling much happier then I used to in my active addiction). Sometimes when I'm upset or angry, that can be a way to figure out what I need to change, but sometimes I just have to be accepting that it's time to grieve someone or something that I have to let go of.

Love,
KJ

[jane_668]

[Sometimes when I'm upset or angry, that can be a way to figure out what I need to change

KJ I didnot understand it too. I thought it was natural to feel sad sometimes especially after years of drugging my emotions. However, she thinks that if recovery is all miserable then why bother get off drugs. She's right in a way. I would pass through period of anxiety and irritability. When I tell her I am anxious, she would tell me ok let's see what happened today. Then I notice I put myself in situations harmful for my recovery or be around toxic people(this includes negative people).

I know that I am not immune against pain but maybe I deal with pain and unhappiness in a wrong way. Forexample, when I am sad instead of falling in the pity-party I can work on steps, go for a walk, chat with a friend.. Her point was that I shouldnot deal with situations now clean as I did when I was using. I shouldnot just study steps but apply them daily. My daily life should reflect my progress in the steps. But as I said before, progress not prefection. Each day clean I'll deal with life better.