How do you love yourself?

[NickA090609]

Hello, I'm pretty new to recovery. This time around I got 50 days clean today . People always say I need to learn to love myself and figure out who I am before I start looking for a new girlfriend. How? I mean I love girls and being close to them, but I do no want it to mess with my sobriety. Also, this is hard because I get depressed a lot of the times and I'm thinking about going to the doctor for it. Is that considered a relapse? I'm going to get benzo's..

[Sugah]

Work the steps, Nick. I got rid of a lot of crap that wasn't lovable in that way -- and uncovered a person who was.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Wolfchild]

i learned to begin loving myself by watching other people love me. i began to make progress in this when i stopped rejecting others(and myself!) based on my rationalizations & justifications that i was unworthy of being loved. Through working the 12 Steps, i am able to relate to myself without hatred, fear, or resentments. In working thru the 12 Traditions, i regain the ability to love others without my ego demanding any results.

[andyaddict]

Originally Posted by NickA090609

People always say I need to learn to love myself and figure out who I am before I start looking for a new girlfriend. How? ...

What is it that you find admirable in others, when you figure that out start behaving that way. Want to cure "low" self-esteem? Start performing esteemable acts for a change.

My input on the relationship spectrum, I pose YOU a question:

Today... are you the man that the woman of your dreams is searching for?

If not, then you got some work to do before you let your little friend out to play then huh?

Originally Posted by NickA090609

Also, this is hard because I get depressed a lot of the times and I'm thinking about going to the doctor for it. Is that considered a relapse? ..

Not necessarily. A doctor can be an integral tool for any person's overall health. However... they have also been wonderful tools for addicts to get legal drugs to get high rather than get well.

Here, you might think to consult your conscience before you consult your doctor.

Originally Posted by NickA090609

I'm going to get benzo's..

That might be a funny amongst the crowds you are hanging with now, but to me, with you being new, and suggesting a trip to the doctor, it is no laughing matter. This kind of dark humor for the addict can have some unintended consequences psychologically - as in desensitization towards the process of relapse.

In certain cases this might be akin to someone sneaking up behind a bomb tech trying to defuse an explosive and yelling "BANG!!!"

Anyway... Read today's JFT reading, it's right up your ally on this one.

andy

[Gmoney]

Congrats on the 50 days, Nick! WTG!!

I've heard that same "learn love yourself" stuff, too. And I doubt if I would ever suggest what someone else "needs to do," especially when it comes to love. What I'd share is what I did, what I felt, what I believed, and what worked for me.

I never truly believed that I didn't love myself. What I believed was that I just didn't love myself enough.

I once read somewhere that in order to build self-esteem, one has to do esteemable things. For me, that meant I had to do positive stuff that made me feel good about being me. The biggest thing that made me see myself in a better way was staying clean. Sure there was a bunch of little things, too (hygiene, appearance, exercise, etc...), but gradually as I began to do better...I felt better about who I am. Working the steps and getting involved in service were very big for me as well. Even our NA program tells us that we have to act our way into better thinking instead of thinking our way into better acting.

Most of the relationship books I've read say we have to work on ourselves (and get healthy) in order to become attractive to healthy mates. For me, working on the things that I needed to do to become a responsible, productive and active member of society has increased my view of my worth or value as a person. The steps were the solution.

be blessed,
G

PS - Do you really think benzos are the answer?

[ashleek]

I had to love myself again too. I look back and think how horrible I was to myself when I was using and how horrible I treated other people and when I got sober and started thinking man I need to take better care of myself. Showered everyday, put on my make-up and fixed my hair, put on clothes that made me feel good and stuff started looking up. I found that I am a happy, sarcastic, badass girl! I found who I used to be, the person I used to love. I am a fun loving kinda girl and I have been such a b^tch to others but that's not me.

It will come in time! Do whatcha gotta do to make urself feel better and the rest will come.

[NickA090609]

Thanks for all the input!)

[kj3880]

I sure can remember that achy, raw feeling of being new and clean and lonely in the rooms. I remember that big hollow place that the drugs used to cover up. I remember wanting to fill it with anything. A relationship, sex, junk food, whatever, just something, to fill up that feeling.

It's easy to fall into fixing that feeling with a relationship, but from what I see, those new recovery relationships tend to be pretty much what you can imagine they'd be. Chaotic, crazy, full of fighting and drama, in my experience.

I'm not saying I didn't fall into dating when I was newer. I did, at about 6 months in, against my better judgment, with another newcomer. It was a 6-week disaster. I didn't have enough self-esteem or clarity to choose a partner who would treat me with respect, so I was abused, and then stalked. It was painful, but luckily, I remained honest with my sponsor, and she helped me get free of this person.

I certainly would have been better off if I had waited until I'd a year clean and done some step work. Almost nobody does wait, but I know that dating at 18 months clean is a whole lot more sane, and that I make better choices, and that I now have more skills and self-esteem to keep myself safer from harm. And I'm a better partner now! A whole lot less crazy and selfish, for sure. Some might even say a good catch!

If you want my suggestion, it's worth it to wait! A queen of a woman won't be interested in you right now, because you've work to do. But all good things are worth the wait and worth the work! You're worth it!

By the way, what work are you doing on your recovery? Docs are great, but what about hitting a meeting a day?

Love,
KJ

[LowBottom]

I was told to make a list of everything I want in a partner and as soon as I am that list than I am ready to look for a partner. I am just sayin......

And I had years of work to do on me before I was anything close to who I was looking for.

[Missybuns]

I think the best first thing I did to love myself in early recovery was to open my mind up enough to let go of being right all the time. This particular change helped me with pretty much all other relationships I developed since getting clean.

It was no mystery my relationships with the opposite sex had been for the wrong reasons.

I understand from personal experience what LowBottom replied. A sponsor I had early on (in the first year) suggested I make that list. After doing so, I made my step work my priority.

I am grateful I did.
Peace,
Missy

[Thx2HP]

When I got clean at 32 (I'm 47 now), I had 20 years experience on how "NOT" to do relationships. I knew how to pick the wrong guys for the wrong reasons; how to have unsafe sex; how to stick and stay when I should cut and run. I didn't know the difference between sex and love or that just cause a guy was fine didn't mean he was good for me. It took a long, long time before my head stopped popping up like some damn prairie dog in meetings, just cause some guy mentioned he'd just gotten out of prison (still can't believe how appealing that was!).

I told myself that I wasn't even going to think about dating or sex until I'd worked the steps through at least once. Actually, once around the drugs and then once again around men. I needed to become the best me I could be to bring to a relationship.

It took me 12 years (yup, you heard right!), but then HE came into my life! Roy also had 12 years at the time and was in recovery. We've been together for over 3 years now, and it's the only healthy relationship I've ever had. I'm not recommending you wait 12 years (I've heard guys can actually explode at even the thought of going "without" that long). But do give yourself (and your potential girlfriend) the gift of working through the Steps once before embarking on relationships...at least consider it :0)

[Lily]

I got clean in 1991 and didn't have a "date" until 1996 NO JOKE! We got married in 1998. I used to pray all of the time for a spouse, I didn't marry until I was 33, then widowed at 36. This time I knew I could remain single forever...but I married again at 38 to a widower and he is wonderful, we have been married 7 1/2 yrs.

I had many crushes in the "rooms" but nothing ever materialized. Neither of my husbands have been addicts...which definitely has it's pros and cons. So glad I didn't pick someone while I was still sick-both times. I relapsed with both husbands (small ones where they had no idea) ....husband number one was terrified I was going to tell him I had cheated on him when I sat him down...he was relieved. Husband number 2 just keeps loving me and at times I have NO IDEA why... but I am so grateful....

I too made the list and didn't settle. Hang in there Nick and most likely you won't be dateless for 6 yrs like I was! Sheila