Gossip or Concern

[kj3880]

Gossip or concern? Here's a character defect that I'm working on. Anyone else?

Love,
KJ

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Wouldn't you agree gossip sometimes is spreading what you've been told but, can't substantiate?

[Sugah]

Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?

Just tonight, I expressed a concern I have for a couple of members to another member. I have had the concern for awhile, and I had decided I needed to approach one of these two members (it's a man and a woman -- I want to talk to the woman). The person I spoke with is very close to the man, and I wanted to make sure my thinking was reasonable and that my motives were in the right place. I don't consider that conversation gossip.

Now, if I had just been passing along what I'd observed with no desire to be helpful -- that's gossip, IMO.

Let love -- selfless love -- be the guide.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[soconfusednow]

I struggle with this at work with two women, one is 43 and the other is almost 20. Those two will go out, be friendly, and the young will will work with me and shred the other one to pieces....I dont get it. I try to change the subject, as I dont want to get involved. The young one is very immature and has untreated issues, very dysfunctional, but so manipulative and backstabbing.

I just want everyone to get along. I dont have good boundaries. The older one doesnt have an unkind word to say about her supposed "friend"..ugghh....

I get along with the both of them, but the catty one embellishes and dramatizes everything...it's all drama. I just dont want to hear anymore, and it's so hard for me to say this. Because it never comes out right.

I come from the depths of hell. I have no right to judge anyone. I have so much baggage that lindsey lohan's struggles look like a freaking disney movie..LOL

Anyway, I guess I wish I had stronger boundaries and just didnt give a rats butt about what people thought.

Gossip hurts. Am I guilty of gossip, of course...it's within the last 6 months, Ive taken a good look at my actions. But sometimes, I feel I stand alone in my thinking. Live and let live.

[soconfusednow]

Thanks for bringing this concern up.

[andyaddict]

Self-righteous anger can also be very enjoyable. In a perverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us, for it brings a comfortable feeling of superiority. Gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination, has its satisfactions for us, too. Here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Actually, if you're working on you, there isn't enough time in a day to worry about other people's defects. At least in my case.

Funny, you brought this up. There's a woman in my home group, real active member. Supposedly, she's ran up a big credit card bill on her step dad's card. This is being investigated by the feds. due to the purchases made in different states.


I've been telling every one, I hope, this isn't true. Saw a shirt Sat. with this on it.
Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. Spanish Proverb.

I think, I'm going to always remember this one

[Lily]

For me gossiping about others is stealing. It is stealing their character and it is wrong. That is why I try really hard to obstain, whether it be concern, a supposed prayer request, etc.

I try to only repeat something if I want help on how to handle it and then I try to keep names out of it.

It is hard being a woman sometimes cuz we want to get in our 25,000 words daily.

Where words are lacking sin is not present. This means for me, the less I speak, the less I blow it. Plain and simple.

[NewBeginning010]

Originally Posted by Sugah

Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?

Just tonight, I expressed a concern I have for a couple of members to another member. I have had the concern for awhile, and I had decided I needed to approach one of these two members (it's a man and a woman -- I want to talk to the woman). The person I spoke with is very close to the man, and I wanted to make sure my thinking was reasonable and that my motives were in the right place. I don't consider that conversation gossip.

Now, if I had just been passing along what I'd observed with no desire to be helpful -- that's gossip, IMO.

Let love -- selfless love -- be the guide.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Thank you Sugah, this is a great guide. Intent is the key.

[Gmoney]

I'm opinionated...very much so. If you ask me, I can offer an opinion on just about anything. But where I try to draw the line is when it comes to the affairs of others - especially when I have no proof or facts to back up what I say. For me, gossip is spreading rumors without any major concern for truth or the feelings or harm it may cause the person its based on. I have to often ask myself, "Would I like someone saying this about me?" So...usually, when a rumor is brought to me about someone else, my response is, "Oh really? Oh well...that's their business."

Now...there are other times when I'm told something and I have a genuine desire to help. And if I hold a conversation with the carrier of that info based upon what I can do to help them (or others), I don't see that as gossip. I agree with Sugah that intent makes a difference.

G

[kj3880]

Here's an area that I sometimes fall short, and sometimes I also don't know where the line is between gossip and concern. An example where I'm confused:

My sponsee sister, LB, came to homegroup on Thurs with both black eyes and a swollen lip. She looked as though she had been severely beaten. I asked her if she was OK, then said "call me if you need to talk." She said that she "hasn't been calling anyone." She didn't share and after the meeting, she rushed off. It is well known in our area, due to him starting fights at meetings about her, that her husband is very jealous and can also be violent.

Anyway, today I met with her and my sponsor to do my fifth step (went well), and I asked her if she had seen LB this week? Sponsor said "She hasn't been calling me for the past two weeks. I hope she is OK." I shared my concern about LB's black eyes. I didn't know if sponsor could or would say or do anything to help, but I felt like I should tell her. Was that gossip, do you think?

Love,
KJ

[Sugah]

No, KJ, I don't think talking to someone with whom you'd assume she's close about your concerns. I'll pray your sister sponsee gets some help (and it sounds like she needs some outside the scope of what NA can offer her).

Congrats on doing your fifth step, too.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Gmoney]

I agree...that's not gossip.

[Wolfchild]

Concern is a form of personal responsibility.
Gossip is an indication of emotional immaturity.
Concern is one of the ties that bind us all together.
Gossip is one of those forces that could pull us apart.
Concern is honestly expressing how i feel about others.
Gossip is dishonestly revealing what someone else is feeling.
i express genuine concern after prayer & meditation with God.
i risk gossiping if i don't listen to God's direction to keep quiet.
Concern touches our hearts in a spirit of love and compassion.
Gossip inflates my ego by viewing someone else as inferior to me.
Concern can be shown when i am in harmony with spiritual principles.
Gossip seems attractive when there is discord within my daily program.

i have not intentionaly gossiped within our local fellowships, or here at SR, because i have seen the damage this type of behavior causes. i have dealt with the reasons why i created and fed into gossip, in the past, through the 12 Steps. People's trust in me means too much to me to blab personal information to anyone else other than God or my sponsor. i take anonymity very seriously and i will not divulge something that i know in my heart will cause harm.

[2ala2]

Originally Posted by Wolfchild

i will not divulge something that i know in my heart will cause harm.

I like that!
My conscience usually knows what gossip is and what is not.
It difficult for me to live with gossip, however, i catch myself doing it. It is my default mode when I am not consciously working the Steps.
Lately,It has been less in frequency and in intensity.I believe that to be due to the program.
The best amend to harm done is to stop this behavior.